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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To do the MIL admin?

85 replies

Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 12:25

Like many people, I do the presents and cards for MIL. I check with her whether she wants to come for Christmas. I make sure she has contact with DD. I do this because dp wouldn’t do any of this whether I dropped it or whether I had strong words with him. He just wouldn’t.

I’ve gone backwards and forwards with this over the years but I’ve decided I’m going to stick with this, the reason being that she is 82. I have it within my power to make her feel wanted, it reduces her anxiety and she is elderly.
Knowing the above, would you still say, not your mum, leave it to him?

OP posts:

auntyflonono · 18/09/2018 15:58

I did all the wife work for years, facilitated MIL's relationship with her son then grandchildren. He would have done nothing if I hadn't.

When my own mother died I told him I didn't wan't to do a mothers day card for MIL, it was too upsetting. He was fine with it. It was only a few years later that I realised he had just stopped sending a card.

Last year there was a family argument, over something trivial and completely blown out of proportion by her. I got all the blame, so now I do nothing at all. Its rather nice!

cupofteaandcake · 18/09/2018 16:06

I don't do DH's and consequently his family get no birthday cards or presents and no christmas presents. I stopped sending any Christmas cards a couple of years ago.

Personally I think this reflects very badly on him (and any man that doesn't do these things) and shows a lack of respect, care and love for his family. Interestingly enough he loves a big fuss made of his birthday and finds time to organise weekends away with his mates, research and buy new technology (you get the picture). If he can't be bothered why would I?

His sister used to email me about stuff all the time and these emails were just forwarded on to him to deal with. It took a long time for her to understand that I was no responsible for the relationship. I do like them and we get on well but it's up to DH to look after his relationships.

Lastly, I've already dropped into conversation with my children, especially DS, that they are responsible for this kind of thing. Afterall they know me better than some person they've just met.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2018 16:22

I don't think that's unusual OP. And of course it's a lovely thing that you do it. I'd just see it as a relationship between her and you, not anything particularly to do with him.

Laureline · 18/09/2018 16:22

I had the same thing with my SIL, she would text me (recurrently!) asking for pictures of the kids, etc. I told her and DP they can sort this out - my own sister wouldn’t ask DP for that!

Seems a small thing, and it’s of course nice of her to care, but I know it’s a slippery slope into “wife work” so put a halt to it.

PaintingOwls · 18/09/2018 16:26

In your position I wouldn't stop, but I've never done it personally in my relationship. I am responsible for my side and he for his. This has meant his parents and siblings have gone without cards and gifts some years and directed their anger and disappointment at him. He's an adult and he's perfectly capable of setting reminders in his calendar to buy/send gifts etc.

DialsMavis · 18/09/2018 16:31

Inahve a great relationship with my MIL and am happy to grab a card or gift if DH is completely snowed under or will pick up something for her if I see it and think she will like it,
but no I leave the admin to him

Havaina · 18/09/2018 16:37

I agree it would be cruel to stop now (assuming she's not abusive to you).

DH sorts out his mum, I sort out mine. He had vague notions of me calling his mum every week. As much as I like his mum, that just was never going to happen as I'm not a phone person and don't call anyone once a week.

sexnotgender · 18/09/2018 16:44

He had vague notions of me calling his mum every week. As much as I like his mum, that just was never going to happen as I'm not a phone person and don't call anyone once a week.

Does he call your mum once a week?

How odd why would he think that?

Havaina · 18/09/2018 16:51

No idea. No he only calls my mum a handful of times a year. But he does suggest we take her out regularly and have her over every other week).

Sciurus83 · 18/09/2018 17:11

I refuse to do it because I do all the other social admin and I don't see why his family should be my responsibility. As a result we barely see his parents. I have spoken to her about this and said it's his responsibility, to which she laughs and says oh well he takes after his Dad I once was talking about it with my parents and my DD said oh he needs you to do that for him to which I guffawed a 'why?!', we both work full time. It really annoys me he doesn't buy his nieces birthday presents or send them cards. I still won't do it for him. I do remind him and make sure it's written on the calendar, he still doesn't do it. I take no responsibility.

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