To do the MIL admin?

[Davespecifico]

Like many people, I do the presents and cards for MIL. I check with her whether she wants to come for Christmas. I make sure she has contact with DD. I do this because dp wouldn’t do any of this whether I dropped it or whether I had strong words with him. He just wouldn’t.

I’ve gone backwards and forwards with this over the years but I’ve decided I’m going to stick with this, the reason being that she is 82. I have it within my power to make her feel wanted, it reduces her anxiety and she is elderly.
Knowing the above, would you still say, not your mum, leave it to him?

OP - have you asked him how he'd feel if your DD made so little effort with him when she's older?

We decided in our family that I would do my parents presents and cards and he would do his. This worked for about 20 years. I have no idea why some wives/ partners seem to take on this role for the husband?

I told my husband and his family early on that I would never be doing this kind of thing. And I have stuck to it after nearly ten years together. I am his wife not his PA. He is a capable professional and if he makes effort he can remember and do it himself. I have enough to do for my side of the family and no one expects him to do that so why the other way around? Sometimes he remembers, occasionally he forgets but that's his issue and his family know exactly who is sending things to them or not.

Oh, the poor old soul. Please don’t leave her in the lurch.

My DH had no idea when his (now late) DM’s birthday was. Even if he had, he would never have got it together to buy a card and a stamp and get the bloody thing to the post box. Or to buy some flowers and chocolates and either take them or send them to her. He’s not a bad person, just didn’t like his DM very much and wouldn’t have seen the need to make an effort.

I had no idea that this was a common practice. I’m quite cheered to know I wasn’t alone, and that my DH isn’t any more of a lazy fucker than other people’s DHs.

I am the MIL admin person in my house. DH is useless at this but he does care for his DM.

I realised when I had DC that it is not a not caring issue - my DH and my DS have dyslexia and are very disorganised - not all people with dyslexia are but mine are - so he simply forgets all this stuff.

My MIL really appreciates me doing this and I think it is nice for her to have someone who does it for her. My DH is also grateful - but I think when he was looking for a wife he wanted someone who was more organised than he was - and boy did he score with me (super organised).

So I would continue to do it - you are making an older woman very happy. And she knows it is you so she is happier still. Also I feel it is a way of showing my DH how much I love him as I am not one for overt displays of love and he is.

If/when I get into another relationship it'll be with a man who wouldn't expect me to do his family's admin.

I suspect many dps are similar to the one mentioned above - would never see their wife's family again if she dropped dead. Possibly for childcare.

My exh will probably never choose see or contact any of my family, including his 3 nieces he's been uncle to all their lives, ever again. He's widely considered a nice guy and I bet no one will ever even comment on it, let alone reproach him.

One year I didn’t buy the Christmas presents like I usually do for the children I left it to Mil to do, unfortunately it was a disaster so I took over again so a least they get age appropriate gifts and Mil doesn’t get stressed, I wrap them and dh gives them to her to give to her grandchildren.

I don’t mind doing it, I just wanted to see if it could be done but obviously not.

I don’t - and I absolutely like my MIL and FIL, but I have always been clear from the start with DP that I would never do the gift managing. When I happen to see gifts I think they would like, I’ll send DO the link or a pic, but he deals with buying/wrapping/sending etc.

In view of your MIL, I think it’s really kind of you to do this. A bit sad your DP won’t do this for his 82 year old mother. I hope he at least won’t complain if his kids do the same to him one day!

There are often threads on here that seem to come down very hard on women who do this sort of stuff for their DHs. But it's not wrong or bad for you to do it, if you're happy to. What would be wrong would be if you didn't want to do it but everyone blamed you for things that weren't done and assumed that your DH's penis prevented him from taking any responsibility.

Those of you who do it because if you didn't, it wouldn't get done - does this mean that your PIL/BIL/SIL etc never got cards and presents from your DP before you came on the scene?

I don't do it. Why would I? Seems odd to me, very 1959s housewife, which I most certainly am not!

I didn’t do the admin one Christmas, years ago to see what would happen. And I gave him fair warning.
Obviously nothing happened. MIL was very reproachful of us both and has never forgotten. She let it snowball in her mind so that she will often say, “you 2 don’t care. You never get me anything,” despite this only happening once!
I was mortified. It was water off a duck’s back to him.

Yes Derelict, I did this for exh (never again!) and before/after me his family never got anything from him

I never quite understand this - those of you who do this, when did you start doing it? Surely not right at the beginning of the relationship (a new girlfriend who started buying cards for your mum from you would look mad, wouldn't she)? So there must have been a transition point - when and why? My DH has bought his parents cards and presents throughout our relationship, just as he did before he met me. I just can't imagine one year suddenly me doing it, without even being asked - he might ask me to pick up a card while I'm in town (as I would him) but why would I suddenly take it upon myself to do it?

His dsis was upset about it recently. I got her something, but pigs would fly before he'd get my dsis anything

I was trained to do it Margaret. It was the woman's role that I was taught/observed as a girl. Also presented as a sign of being a good loving woman. Please don't blame the women

I do my family and he does his.

We are both adults and work full time.

I don’t use my vagina to write Birthday cards etc. So not sure why it would be my job?

He keeps in touch with his mother regularly, if he didn’t that would be his choice and why would I override that?

"I was trained to do it Margaret. It was the woman's role that I was taught/observed as a girl. Also presented as a sign of being a good loving woman. Please don't blame the women"

Yes to this.

I think these situations evolve. You don’t know your partner is going to be a 1950s man when you’re young and in your 2Os.
I can’t remember earlyexactly the trajectory for me, but I think I started out not realising he wouldn’t bother and having a resentful MIL when I was younger. She appeared to be disappointed in us. In my 30s I probably became more pragmatic, took on these jobs but constantly tried in vain to get dp to do them instead. In my 49s, as I said earlier, I’m doing it because she’s one and frail. I can’t let her down, not because I believe it’s my role but because I don’t want to see an elderly woman bewildered and unhappy.

Yes Derelict, I did this for exh (never again!) and before/after me his family never got anything from him

See the selfish part of me would think, if they didn't do it before I met them, then why start now! After all, it's not as though their families would have been expecting any different!

I do it also. Mostly because DH and MIL are very similar and they wind each other up, i on the other hand know how to deal with their personalities, so I can arrange family get togethers, gifts, and what not, without issues arising.

Each to their own but I do think some women have been suckered into taking on all the thoughtful family stuff whilst the OH does sweet FA. It's just an abdication of a caring responsibility which is enabled by the woman. By all means remind him but don't do it for him.

However, in this case the OP has been doing it too long to stop now and MIL is an elderly lady who has been hurt by the lack of attention in the past. OP, can you encourage your DP to do something for her? Does he even sign the cards you get? Does he send you cards and gifts?

I can't speak for the IL situation because mine were dead when we met. Obviously, my husband's ex used to sort his kids out. It became obvious very soon that this just didn't register on his radar and I quite enjoy it so happily took it on. The kids know it's me but they don't seem unduly bothered.

My DP sorts out his contact with his family and I sort out mine with mine. He's a capable, functioning adult just like me and there's no earthly reason for it to be any other way.

I read so many posts on here where a MIL doesn't see her grandchildren/doesn't like the way their visits are organised/etc and it's ALWAYS the woman bearing the brunt and being given the blame.

Well, fuck that. Men need to step up and women need to stop doing their work for them.

Northern runner-it’s similar here. If he did get on the phone to discuss a plan, phones would be slammed down because he wouldn’t attempt to tailor the conversation to take account of any confusion she might have. Then he’d get frustrated that she didn’t understand. He sees the conversation simply as a relying of facts.