Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To do the MIL admin?

85 replies

Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 12:25

Like many people, I do the presents and cards for MIL. I check with her whether she wants to come for Christmas. I make sure she has contact with DD. I do this because dp wouldn’t do any of this whether I dropped it or whether I had strong words with him. He just wouldn’t.

I’ve gone backwards and forwards with this over the years but I’ve decided I’m going to stick with this, the reason being that she is 82. I have it within my power to make her feel wanted, it reduces her anxiety and she is elderly.
Knowing the above, would you still say, not your mum, leave it to him?

OP posts:
stellabird · 18/09/2018 13:39

I've had two husbands and yes I have always done the admin for both families. I like doing it and neither of my DHs was into gift / card buying or sending. It's a personal thing and if you like it, keep doing it.

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 13:41

I nearly totally agree Nikita. But my MIL is 82. If I decided now, No more Wifework, she’d be virtually abandoned.

OP posts:
TwiceAsNice22 · 18/09/2018 13:44

I’m separated and still do the mil admin 😂 I send pictures, have the kids make cards to send, Skype and even hang out with my ex inlaws when they visit and my ex is at work (they live overseas).
I don’t mind at all as I like them and they love my children. I can see why doing the in law admin could grate on your nerves and how you wouldn’t want to feel like you have to do it. But in my case, it’s no skin off my nose and my ex mil really appreciates the photos and updates etc.

Mitzimaybe · 18/09/2018 13:45

I still do most of this - his family birthday reminders, sometimes I will buy or make cards, sometimes I tell DH that I haven't time and he will have to go and buy a card. If I didn't mention it or do it it myself, it wouldn't happen.

However, he does most of the cleaning, washing up, laundry and half or more of the cooking. I do the shopping and clean the bathrooms. Basically we split the chores. So I don't mind.

goingonabearhunt1 · 18/09/2018 13:45

I just don't think most men think this stuff is important. Not sure if there's a resolution tbh. So it's up to you (probably depends how much you like your MIL) but I don't think it's right for MIL to solely blame you when it doesn't happen, why isn't she asking your DH about it?

thatwouldbeanecumenicalmatter · 18/09/2018 13:47

Nah, instead of sacking off cards etc for your MIL I’d be sacking off cards etc for your DH - see how he likes it. Plus you still end up doing the same amount of admin.

DelurkingAJ · 18/09/2018 13:54

Sometimes people honestly don’t mind though. In our house I do all admin in term time (DH works ridiculous hours in a boarding school) so birthdays that fall in term I sort. Xmas we do our own families and if there are birthdays etc in the holidays DH is in charge.

On balance it happens I do more but it works for us and is therefore nobody else’s business!

Postino · 18/09/2018 13:58

Presumably most men like receiving presents though. How can they care so little about giving back?

(yes I am heartbroken and bitter at the moment, but I think the point might still stand)

OnBail · 18/09/2018 14:00

I would carry on doing it for your MIL. I used to do it for DP but wouldn't do it now.

I did all the present buying, card sending etc for all birthdays and Christmas, fathers day, mothers day etc for his mum, dad, sil, bil and their kids and the extended family.

I have told this story under another user name - after 3 years of doing this i made a grave error which turned out to be unforgivable - i sent his nan a Christmas card with her name on and not Nan - complete oversight on my part, i always called her Edith not her name and not nan so didn't really think about it too much when i wrote the card.

Well the shit hit the fan, his nan stopped talking to me and dp, it caused world war 3 in the family and everyone took her side. She died a couple of years ago and still never spoke to me, thats 13 years she held a grudge for and my relationship with his family never really recovered from it. She forgave DP after about 6 months. I cant believe nobody in the family pulled her up on it for being so silly but they all took her side.

After all that i told him to do his own gifts and cards etc and i have never done it since. World War 3 over a fucking Christmas card.

If me and DP split up and i found someone else i would never do it again.

underneaththeash · 18/09/2018 14:04

I used to do it for my MIL too, however, I got sick of the ungratefulness, complaints and all the moaning and passed it on to DH. I don't think she moans or complains any more or less now, but we do see her less often.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 18/09/2018 14:11

I would do it, because it's the right thing to do.
But my opinion of my DP would plummet.

TonnoEMaionese · 18/09/2018 14:13

I leave it to DP. MIL still contacts me.

The reason is my family is very laid back about cards and birthdays etc. We just say happy birthday/give gifts the next time we see each other, it's no big deal.

DP's family is more uptight about it, and since I don't even agree with it, I'm blowed if I'm going to muck about doing it if he can't be bothered, when he was raised in the whole habit of doing it.

Butteredparsn1ps · 18/09/2018 14:13

I have found it easier to split presents and cards along gender lines - so I do female relatives and DH does the menfolk. It seems easier for both of us this way.

Postino · 18/09/2018 14:16

That is absolutely staggering OnBail Shock What a nightmare family!

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 18/09/2018 14:18

I've just ordered the first part of SiL1's christmas present (she's dh's sister). If I didn't do that, she, their other sister, children and parents wouldn't get anything. I buy his secret santa (luckily I know all his colleagues fairly well...possibly better than him in some cases) and write all the cards etc. I facilitate all the visits to both sets of Grandparents partly because I oversee the calendar and remember who is invited to what and when.

Thinking about it, I've actually been doing it since before we were a couple as we were close friends by the first Christmas we knew each other and I went Christmas shopping with him.

If I didn't do it, he wouldn't bother because to him, me and our dc are the only family he cares about. His parents adore our dc and would be broken hearted if they never saw them. My own df was very similar.

Postino · 18/09/2018 14:22

The more I think about it the more I find this trait deeply unattractive.

I predict I'm going to be single for a looooooooooong time

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 14:24

How horrible for you Onbail. People can be so odd!!

OP posts:
Notacluewhatthisis · 18/09/2018 14:26

I would do it, because it's the right thing to do. But my opinion of my DP would plummet.

This ^

CMOTDibbler · 18/09/2018 14:31

Dh does his family, I do mine. He's quite capable of putting reminders in his phone for family birthdays and ordering a card on Moonpig or present on Amazon (and though he is frantically busy, can do this on the train easily enough).

If anyone has an issue with me because I don't do this, then thats their issue not mine

RomanyRoots · 18/09/2018 14:33

If you are happy doing it then knock yourself out, but you need to speak to him about what he's going to do when she needs caring for, not just the cards and gifts.

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 14:46

He can do big things e.g if he needed to speak to hospitals, arrange a care Home etc. He can do things as long as they seem important to him!

OP posts:
lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2018 15:06

OP does he treat you the same way?

That is, does he insist that he gets to decide what is important for you, rather than listening to you? Does he balk at any conversation which goes beyond 'relaying information'? Refuse to do things he cannot see a benefit (to him, directly or indirectly) in doing?

My question, deep down, is whether someone with such a self-interested approach to life is capable of love.

lottiegarbanzo · 18/09/2018 15:15

And just to clarify, I understand people like this may have a strong sense of duty and willingness to do practical things for someone else, that they deem important. I'm not saying they are wholly selfish. Selfish and self-interested are different things.

But, I think someone who believes they get to decide what is important for other people, can love only their own idea of that person. The idea they have formed, about what that person means to them. They are not interested in actually getting to know another person and loving them for who they reveal themselves to be.

I find it hard to believe this would not be a consistent and entrenched pattern of behaviour.

Original poster
Davespecifico · 18/09/2018 15:24

He is very similar with me Lottie, perhaps a bit more attentive, but a similar pattern in all aspects of his life.

OP posts:
MorrisZapp · 18/09/2018 15:36

Obviously keep doing it, because she's old. But in general, nah. Fuck that nonsense.

It does take nerves of steel though. I leave all DPs side to him. He has a tiny family, I have a massive one. I have to sit through excruciating present exchanges in which his sil has bought us thoughtful, generous gifts nicely wrapped, and we give her one item as per her Christmas list, hastily wrapped.

But as much as it's embarrassing, I won't budge. They are not my job to sort out.