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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just realised exclusive partner is swiping on women online

97 replies

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 10:54

I’ve been with my new partner for three months, we had the exclusive chat a month in. He initiated this. We agreed we’d take things slowly but only see each other. I stay the night and see him a few rimes a week.

The last fortnight he’s been cancelling arrangements last minute. I had a gut suspicion that he was looking elsewhere/seeing other women after a friend mentioned she’d spotted him on Tinder.

So stupidly I joined tinder with a different name, age and photo (borrowed from a friend with her agreement). Lo and behold within a day of joining, he’s swiped on “me” (him first) and we’ve matched. I’ve sent an introductory message.

I know that I need to dump him and walk away. I feel gutted because I’ve missed the signs of players before. I feel totally taken in by him and feel that I need to see for myself if he’d reply to the message, how far he’d take it, if he’d send rude pics, mainly because I can’t quite believe his actions as they’re so different now to who I thought he was. I feel that I need facts about him being a lying scumbag so I can walk away knowing he isn’t who I thought he is.

Assuming he responds to my hello, what do I do next? I obviously can’t add him to messenger or WhatsApp as it is my phone number and I can’t chat to him on the phone. And how do I get him chatting and opening up in terms of finding out how secret he keeps me. I have got an old phone but I’m not sure if I can get a short term sim only card.

OP posts:
Charm23 · 18/09/2018 10:57

You know he's not invested in your relationship because he's looking elsewhere already! You don't need any further proof or to get him to tell you any of his secrets. Get rid of him now!

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 10:58

I realise I’ve been naive and feel totally stupid. I have completely fallen for him, and thought we had a relationship. I need answers and I know if I asked him, he’d wriggle his way out of it or do the fake tears. I need to see for myself who the real him is.

OP posts:
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 10:59

I tend to doubt myself /analyse so I need to see with my own eyes that he’s happy to not only swipe but chat and make arrangements with other women.

OP posts:
theOtherPamAyres · 18/09/2018 11:02

You don't need to do anything more. Just move on. No explanation, no discussion, just tell him.

If you confront him, he'll know how you got your evidence - and think that you are weird.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 11:05

I need to see for myself who the real him is

You've seen it. You don't need to know any more. Are you secretly hoping for a different outcome? That he will say "I have a girlfriend" and you can stay with him? If you're not doing that then why torture yourself further? I can understand women who've been in a relationship for years, upon finding their partners on these sites, would want to know more. But you have been with this guy for 3 months! He's already been cancelling arrangements so you know he isn't on there just to "chat". The only sensible action is to cut him from your life completely, and you know enough already to do that.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 11:06

Cross posted with Pam there but she's absolutely right. Walk away now with your dignity intact.

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 11:06

I want to see if he’s prepared to chat/make arrangements. I trusted him and thought he was serious about me. God knows how many others he has swiped on or is talking to.

OP posts:
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 11:07

And when I walk, do I say anything or give a reason?

OP posts:
finnmcool · 18/09/2018 11:08

Don't give this arse wipe anymore of your time and energy.
Definitely don't give him the ammunition to call you unhinged. He will leap on that as an excuse for his crap behaviour.

AnyFucker · 18/09/2018 11:08

What is the point ?
He is looking at other women online. That is all you need to know, surely.

finnmcool · 18/09/2018 11:09

Turn it round on him. Tell him, he's not what you want.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 11:11

See, I could be wrong but it makes me feel that if you see him just swiping and doing nothing else, you'll think that's ok and stay with him. And this is what you are hoping for. You want to go to extreme lengths to find out something you already know. That doesn't make sense.

greenBalloondeflating · 18/09/2018 11:11

Tbh this one... I wouldn't even bother telling him he's dumped. Just block, delete and have a visibly active profile on Tinder.

Leave him trying to work it out and thinking as deeply as you have been

ToadOfSadness · 18/09/2018 11:11

God knows how many others he has swiped on or is talking to.

He has been cancelling arrangements with you, he will be seeing other people, you don't need to demean yourself by trying to make him ask you out, you know what he is. You picked a 'wrong un', get rid now.

Beaverhausen · 18/09/2018 11:11

Personally the fact that he is on tinder should be enough for you to walk away now.

i would just freeze him out, not bother any communication and do not give him the satisfaction of you telling him that you know what a scumbag he is.

Never give a slimeball the satisfaction

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/09/2018 11:13

Ditch him. This initiating contact business is just you obsessing over him. He's not worth it. He's lost interest and he's looking for new women. That's all you need to know.

IABURQO · 18/09/2018 11:15

Send him one text from your phone "I do not wish to meet you again because you have been cheating on me." Then block his number, email etc.
Meanwhile, set up your own dating profile (maybe somewhere other than Tinder) and set up a few quick dates, get out and enjoy yourself.

Mumoftwo12345 · 18/09/2018 11:15

I agree with Finnmcool
Leave him thinking he's substandard

Littlechocola · 18/09/2018 11:18

‘Exclusive’, ‘swiping’?

I feel old.

PlinkPlink · 18/09/2018 11:18

I kind of get where you're coming from. I'd want to make it absolutely clear, no shadow of a doubt, that he's in the wrong and there's no wriggling out of it.

Whilst I don't agree it's the right course of action, I can't say I wouldn't do the same.

Do the usual chit chat... hi, what do you do, how long have you been on here, what kind of things are you interested in. Then maybe suggest meeting up for a coffee and mention how you think he's really hot (men can't resist a good ego stroking). Then you'll have what you need.

Go back to your phone. Just say "Thanks for confirming what a tosser you are. Sorry I can't meet you for coffee on (whatever date arranged)". Block and delete. Then go out with a friend for a few drinks, have a good whinge and a moan, then move on.

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 11:24

I need the reassurance that my instincts were correct, I’ve been ignoring them and believing him because he’s so attentive when he’s with me.

I don’t want to tell him about knowing he’s chatting to others , I’ll withdraw then say it isn’t working for me.

OP posts:
Djnoun · 18/09/2018 11:25

Use Kik. You can set up an anonymous account on there.

PaintingOwls · 18/09/2018 11:27

I would mess with him a bit. Offer to meet up but then don't turn up. Say you're running late. Waste his time. Maybe say you'll meet him then message him on your real account asking to meet up at a time that would overlap and see what he says. But then I'm nasty and vindictive...

Oh then just ghost him. Block him. Move on.

MumW · 18/09/2018 11:33

@PaintingOwls, my first instinct was similar - arrange to meet up, then turn up late and dump him - but wondered if that was a bit Hmm, maybe not...

PaintingOwls · 18/09/2018 11:38

Don't waste your time and energy actually turning up. If he messages you just keep saying sorry running late, traffic nightmare, will be 10 minutes... See how long you can drag it out for.

And also block him irl on everything. Do not give him the opportunity to work his way back in.

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