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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Just realised exclusive partner is swiping on women online

97 replies

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 10:54

I’ve been with my new partner for three months, we had the exclusive chat a month in. He initiated this. We agreed we’d take things slowly but only see each other. I stay the night and see him a few rimes a week.

The last fortnight he’s been cancelling arrangements last minute. I had a gut suspicion that he was looking elsewhere/seeing other women after a friend mentioned she’d spotted him on Tinder.

So stupidly I joined tinder with a different name, age and photo (borrowed from a friend with her agreement). Lo and behold within a day of joining, he’s swiped on “me” (him first) and we’ve matched. I’ve sent an introductory message.

I know that I need to dump him and walk away. I feel gutted because I’ve missed the signs of players before. I feel totally taken in by him and feel that I need to see for myself if he’d reply to the message, how far he’d take it, if he’d send rude pics, mainly because I can’t quite believe his actions as they’re so different now to who I thought he was. I feel that I need facts about him being a lying scumbag so I can walk away knowing he isn’t who I thought he is.

Assuming he responds to my hello, what do I do next? I obviously can’t add him to messenger or WhatsApp as it is my phone number and I can’t chat to him on the phone. And how do I get him chatting and opening up in terms of finding out how secret he keeps me. I have got an old phone but I’m not sure if I can get a short term sim only card.

OP posts:
BanananananaDaiquiri · 18/09/2018 14:31

It’s been a big wake up for me and I need to get myself more clued up as to how these types play women.

You've spotted red flags (even if you ignored them) and issues within three months OP, you seem reasonably clued up to me. I think what your 'BF' has been doing is out of order but it sounds now as though you're making excuses for what is essentially catfishing. You seem more concerned about the technological challenges of hiding your online identity than cutting adrift this bloke who isn't worth any more of your time and mental energy and moving on.

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 15:30

I’ve got very attached to him and I’m devastated that my instinct has been proven correct. I just want information because I know seeing how far he’d be willing to go will help switch off my feelings for him. I want to read him say that he isn’t seeing anyone, has been single for however long he says and that he hasn’t slept with anyone for xyz etc. And just what he wants from meeting up as I know that he’s a flirt and upfront about sex.

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 18/09/2018 15:47

I need the reassurance that my instincts were correct, I’ve been ignoring them and believing him because he’s so attentive when he’s with me.

You might not get that. If he doesn't meet with "you" is that because he wouldn't have gone further with it or because he had a better offer or doesn't fancy whomevers picture you've used that much?

If he stops talking to her, will you make another fake profile? A crowd of them? Test out different styles and personalities?

You know everything you'll ever realistically know. This isn't exclusive to him. It hurts but that'll happen sometimes.

The good thing is that you did see the red flags, you just ignored them. Don't let anyone bypass them in future.

TwoWitTwoWoo · 18/09/2018 15:48

Ah okay, I see, you want to torture yourself a bit more. Carry on.

InspectorIkmen · 18/09/2018 15:50

I just want information because I know seeing how far he’d be willing to go will help switch off my feelings for him

Is this because you're completely in denial about what an absolute shit he is? You don't believe it and you don't believe what every single person here is telling you? You think there's hope for this relationship? There is not.
Forget your 'smoking gun'. Just walk away with your dignity intact.

PlinkPlink · 18/09/2018 16:17

Starting to agree with everyone saying move on gracefully.

I would have had the same reaction as you, at first. I don't know why I didn't reference my own experience earlier though.

We hadn't had an exclusive talk but I'd come back to one bloke, after getting some bits for his flat, looking at girls on Badoo. Like I say, we hadn't had an exclusive chat but he could have fucking waited until I was gone to browse other women. Just a matter of respect. I didn't see him again. I ended it as soon as I got home.

Ending it gracefully is much better OP.

auntyflonono · 18/09/2018 16:26

I would ghost him. Time to move on!

cricketmum84 · 18/09/2018 16:27

Dump him.

And enjoy every second of it Grin

Shallishanti123 · 18/09/2018 16:57

Don't torture yourself... I've been there and trust me, it doesn't make it any easier.

Just ghost him.

Shallishanti123 · 18/09/2018 16:58

I wouldn't even give him a reason. I'd just block his number and forget about him.

Sparklyfee · 18/09/2018 17:13

He can't and won't reassure you or make you feel better. He will never change.

Ghost him. Let him wonder what's going on for a change

StormcloakNord · 18/09/2018 17:42

Embarrassing.

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 17:47

I was right as to how far it’d go, I’m officially ghosting now

OP posts:
Djnoun · 18/09/2018 18:20

What happened, OP?

brighteyeowl17 · 18/09/2018 18:25

Massive giant player 😐

Hissy · 18/09/2018 18:28

Bake a huge welcome home cake for your self esteem love! Well done for ditching him! (((Hug)))

Shallishanti123 · 18/09/2018 18:43

Aww no, what happened? What a shitbag. Hope he sharts midthrust next time he gets lucky.

FunSponges · 18/09/2018 18:51

Oh dear. Did he send a dick pic?

PlinkPlink · 18/09/2018 18:54

Shallishanti 😂😂😂😂 let's not ponder on that image for too long

Well done OP... update on how far that was? I'm with the others, I reckon it was an aubergine fest... a small aubergine fest

RayneDash · 18/09/2018 19:01

What happened? Did he send you any pics? Fair play to you for ghosting him. You don't need someone like that in your life. You would turn into a nervous wreck whenever he went out.

crispysausagerolls · 18/09/2018 19:34

Send another dick pic of his back to him 😬

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/09/2018 22:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

RedPencil · 18/09/2018 23:04

@KeepServingTheDrinks I think you posted on the wrong thread!

KeepServingTheDrinks · 18/09/2018 23:14

I so did, Red. I've asked MNHQ to delete it!

Aintnothingbutaheartache · 18/09/2018 23:18

Oh stop playing silly games. Your whole relationship sounds absolutely ridiculous