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Original poster

Just realised exclusive partner is swiping on women online

97 replies

Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 10:54

I’ve been with my new partner for three months, we had the exclusive chat a month in. He initiated this. We agreed we’d take things slowly but only see each other. I stay the night and see him a few rimes a week.

The last fortnight he’s been cancelling arrangements last minute. I had a gut suspicion that he was looking elsewhere/seeing other women after a friend mentioned she’d spotted him on Tinder.

So stupidly I joined tinder with a different name, age and photo (borrowed from a friend with her agreement). Lo and behold within a day of joining, he’s swiped on “me” (him first) and we’ve matched. I’ve sent an introductory message.

I know that I need to dump him and walk away. I feel gutted because I’ve missed the signs of players before. I feel totally taken in by him and feel that I need to see for myself if he’d reply to the message, how far he’d take it, if he’d send rude pics, mainly because I can’t quite believe his actions as they’re so different now to who I thought he was. I feel that I need facts about him being a lying scumbag so I can walk away knowing he isn’t who I thought he is.

Assuming he responds to my hello, what do I do next? I obviously can’t add him to messenger or WhatsApp as it is my phone number and I can’t chat to him on the phone. And how do I get him chatting and opening up in terms of finding out how secret he keeps me. I have got an old phone but I’m not sure if I can get a short term sim only card.

OP posts:
Original poster
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 11:40

I should have seen the signs - early cock pics, love bombing prior to sex, insisting his phone apps weren’t shut down but were running in the background and that was why he was showing as being online/ offline on bumble, messanger, WhatsApp when he wasn’t, telling me every last detail about his life but not asking anything in return about mine.

I will wait and see if he replies to my message. I have a second email address which I could use to add a second local profile.

I’m pissed off and want to see for myself what these blokes are capable of. It’s been a big wake up for me and I need to get myself more clued up as to how these types play women.

OP posts:
Storm4star · 18/09/2018 11:49

All the things you mentioned aren't good signs but this one stands out to me more than the others

telling me every last detail about his life but not asking anything in return about mine

I've chatted to a lot of men like that! And I now treat it like a red flag.

If a man isn't interested in who you are as a person then he's not looking to get into a relationship with you.

Original poster
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 11:52

Storm, I noticed that he’d tell me everything about his kids, job, ex, pets etc yet not ask questions about mine. If I sent a pic to him of something I’d been doing, his next message wouldn’t mention it, it’d be back to talking about him.

Eg. Me “we’ve been out to xyz” and his response wouldn’t say did we have a good time or acknowledge it in anyway. It’s odd that I know so much about him yet he knows little about my day to day life.

OP posts:
mariniere · 18/09/2018 12:02

Early cock pics! And you are still there ? Jeez.
OP do yourself a favour, stop wasting your own time and energy on the charade and just tell him you’re not that into him.

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 12:04

Yeah I chatted to a guy a while back who wanted to speak on the phone. I thought oh that's nice and gave him my number. He started calling most days and I thought it was a positive sign. Until a few phone calls in I realised he only ever talked about himself and, same as with you, if I tried to bring up anything about me, no acknowledgement. I knew this man's life story and he hadn't even asked what I do for work or anything basic like that! So I told him he was too self absorbed and I didn't want to chat any more!

Men who are like that aren't looking for a partner. They're looking for an audience. Even if a man like that is faithful, he still won't be a good partner. He won't care if you've had a bad day at work, or if you want to celebrate some good news because they just won't be interested.

Eliza9917 · 18/09/2018 12:17

Do you need another phone? Can't you just message in tinder? (I don't know, I've never used it).

Storm4star · 18/09/2018 12:22

If you want to still go ahead I think kik is the answer. No phone numbers involved and loads of people seem to use it in online dating (although usually attached people who don't want to give their numbers out!).

InspectorIkmen · 18/09/2018 12:28

Thankfully I'm too old for all this shit but I do have to ask this because I'm baffled.
A guy sends you a cock picture in a text message and you go on to have a relationship with him? Is that right? Seriously?

AnyFucker · 18/09/2018 12:53

Cock pics ?

And you have been giving this tosser the benefit of the doubt ?

Raise your bar, fgs

Original poster
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 12:55

It was after we’d talked on the phone a few times and had done a lot of flirting. I did see it as a red flag but then he was so non player like in person, I let it go.

OP posts:
minmooch · 18/09/2018 13:17

Saying this very gently but the cock pic should have been your very first red flag. He's a player.

To say his apps are running in the background should have been your second. He's a liar.

Talking about himself all the time - your 3rd red flag.

Do not do any more on line dating until you have set your bar higher, set your own boundaries and have confidence in yourself and what you want from a partner

Don't bother communicating with him. He's a self absorbed, lying player.

BanananananaDaiquiri · 18/09/2018 13:23

Why you're three months in and he's already back on dating apps (if he ever left them) and matching himself to other women. This is not a man who is committed to you or the relationship. There are only three ways this plays out:

  1. he meets someone else he decides to become 'exclusive' with, and dumps you without a second thought
  2. he keeps stringing you along for the nights he can't find a better offer, and you end up invested in a relationship with an out-and-out cheat
  3. you dump his disrespectful arse and get back out there to find someone who appreciates what you're worth

Which of those scenarios do you prefer?

HypoCali · 18/09/2018 13:36

Personally I would break up by telling him that you’re after someone better in bed, but I am a vindictive bitch Grin

Original poster
Whydoyoudothat · 18/09/2018 13:40

Is it correct that apps run in the background and show you online? If I’m on WhatsApp and flip to another screen on my phone without swiping WhatsApp, off the screen first, would I show as online or offline? I’m not technologically minded and that’s a useless description of what I mean

OP posts:
Storm4star · 18/09/2018 13:43

I know with whatsapp at least, you may still show online for a short time but after a few minutes it would show you as offline if you're not actively using it.

Sparklyfee · 18/09/2018 13:45

I leave my apps on in the background all the time and i show as offline when I'm not using the app.

He's a player. Has he replied to your message on tinder?

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/09/2018 13:47

He sent you a dick pic before you'd even met him? And you were prepared to date him? Are you mad?

If someone I was flirting with sent me a dick pic I'd go "Yuck!" and drop him. You need higher expectations of men: very much higher.

Remember that low expectations mean you accept poor treatment. If you want a man who'll treat you well then raise your standards.

Sarcelle · 18/09/2018 13:49

Cock pictures?! Is that what they do on these online sites, offer or even worse, just present you with pictures of their dicks? They really do think the world is as fascinated by dangly appendages as they are themselves!

pretendingtowork1 · 18/09/2018 13:49

you're going out with someone who sent you a picture of his cock? have some self respect!

trumpetoftheswan · 18/09/2018 13:52

You don't need to see for yourself what these men are like. You've already seen it.

You were astute enough to recognise last minute cancellations as red flags and your instincts were right.

You need to walk away (send a 'this isn't working for me' message if you like and don't get drawn into any more) then read, discuss and think what non-player men are like and how you might meet them.

Clue (although you know this one by now) they don't send cock pics to someone they've been in touch with though Tinder!

Best of luck and enjoy dumping him.

StormcloakNord · 18/09/2018 13:52

Eugh.

You're totally deluding yourself trying to justify what is basically catfishing him, giving reasons that are total bull.

Get some self respect and don't bother with him?! Honestly where is your self esteem? Cringe.

Sarcelle · 18/09/2018 14:01

The OP is hurt, and why not? Some tough love on here, we have all made mistakes. However, she is looking for closure, but she already has it, she knows he is a wrong un so no point in trying to delve deeper. Finish it with dignity on your part. Message and say you are not for me, take care, all the best etc and then block.

TwoWitTwoWoo · 18/09/2018 14:03

Cock pics? Get some standards OP.

If you had met him out in a bar or something and he had flopped it onto the bar stool would you have considered taking this "relationship" any further from that point?

Your cat-fishing plan is beyond childish. He doesn't respect you. Move on gracefully.

Prawnofthepatriarchy · 18/09/2018 14:09

Cock pics? Get some standards OP.

If you had met him out in a bar or something and he had flopped it onto the bar stool would you have considered taking this "relationship" any further from that point?

Your cat-fishing plan is beyond childish. He doesn't respect you. Move on gracefully.

^^ This. It may seem harsh, OP, but you'd do best just to dump him and then perhaps do some reading or even get some counselling about why your standards are so low.

You'll never meet the kind of man you deserve while you waste your time with heartless players.

Herewegoagainx1000 · 18/09/2018 14:14

You should meet him somewhere and then have the friend you borrowed the pictures from come in and meet him... the leave with her and block him :-)