'As long as baby is healthy' AIBU?

[TiaToblerone]

Probably being over sensitive and prepared to be told IBU here but here goes.....

I am 38 weeks pregnant and been struggling the entire pregnancy, hyperemesis until 30 weeks, but still vomiting daily, crippling SPD and antenatal anxiety and depression which I've been having counselling for.

Anyway, a friend who I don't see all that often as she lives a fair few miles away, called me just for catch up and asked how I was doing... I explained all of the above and just said I was generally feeling a bit miserable, she said 'oh... well as long as baby is healthy that is all that matters'. This made me feel a bit, well, annoyed I suppose. Of course I am hugely grateful and feel lucky that baby is healthy and doing okay, but why ask how I am doing if that's all that matters? And it's not the first time someone has said something like this to me.

After I had my first baby I had to return to the hospital 3 days after being discharged as I developed a nasty infection after c section and wound up with sepsis and static bowel, so was in a pretty bad way. Baby came in with me as I was BF. My MIL called in a panic after being told that baby and I were back in hospital and I explained what was wrong and she said 'Oh thank God, I thought something was wrong with the baby. That's okay then'. That's it, no ' hope you get better etc' like my health didn't matter at all. I mean again I was thankful that my baby was fine but to be treated like my health didn't matter, as long as baby is okay, makes me feel completely worthless in a way.

AIBU to feel this way?

I totally get this. I’ve not had anything this severe but it’s likw when you get pregnant you are a vessel and nothing more - to some people.

That said, Im 22 weeks and I’ve seen midwives and a consultant and they definetly asked how I was and seemed to care too

Your friend and mil sound like dicks. Of course you matter. I am the opposite sometimes my friends with babies tell me off because i ask all about the mother and forget to ask about the baby.

It's the end goal though isn't it? A healthy baby..... so I guess in a roundabout way she's saying well done, keep going, almost there!!

I wouldn’t say you’re being unreasonable at all with regards to the second incident you mentioned, you’re still a person and if you’re in hospital it’s still a concern! Though admittedly less of a concern for them than the baby being in hospital IYKWIM?

However first one possibly, but she was probably just saying that to get you to remember that despite all the stuff you’re going through, it’s for a good cause - as if you could forget!

I have a friend who was just treated as a host body for her ILs GC, and when she had given birth they didn’t ask how she was once. It was quite sad and I don’t think she’s ever quite forgiven them.

It's the end goal though isn't it? A healthy baby..... so I guess in a roundabout way she's saying well done, keep going, almost there!!

Hmmm.... I never really considered that. I suppose that could be what she means. It wasn't phrased well though 'that's all that matters' I think that's the part that bothers me the most really.

I think you probably over shared and she didn't know what to say.

Its absolutely crap if you are someone who has difficult pregnancies and sometimes its hard for other people to understand. However unless she is a really close friend, and it sounds like she isn't, I would have thought a comment about it being a tough pregnancy would be enough?

I think the ‘healthy baby’ thing is fine for the parents to say but when someone else (perhaps particularly in-laws) say it, you are right, it does make the mother sound like an unimportant incubator.

I think youre being over dramatic and emotional because you're full of hormones and baby at the mo. 🤷‍♀️

She didnt mean anything by it. She was probably just looking for something nice to say........sad thing is that pregnancy and babies are only interesting for the woman carrying them and the guy who put them in there.

I don’t think she meant anything at all by it. Just a stock phrase to trot out. But I probably would have said ‘we aren’t talking about the baby, we’re talking about meeeee! And I’m fucking sick and miserable’.

I think it's when people just don't know what to say.
When all you really need is for someone to say "oh no, that sounds really shit "

Your post could have described me btw.
And it IS shit.
Currently 37+4, have had a good cry yesterday and today as SPD has suddenly got so bad I can't weight bear on my right leg and am using crutches (badly).

There are a couple of people I have felt like calling to have a bit if a moan, but am not as I can't cope with the "Oh well, not long now " and " but baby us ok?" Comments.

Hope your day/week improves TiaToblerone

I think she meant well all be it in a cack handed way. Of course you want a bit of empathy and for people to care how you are too I get that.

Yes you are probably right. I know she didn't mean anything by it. Probably would have been better to say 'well at least baby is healthy'. That probably would have sounded a lot better! I'm definitely being over sensitive I know, and I'm not going to call her out on it or anything, just wanted to know if my feelings are valid or I'm just being a drama llama. Probably the latter!!

I think it's a totally shit thing to say. A healthy baby isn't the end of it - a healthy, happy mother is important to that baby's well-being. Your health and happiness is interlinked.

Argh, it's just how everything is minimised because your pain/illness/distress happens to be caused or made worse by pregnancy.
Yes the hormones might mean I am more likely to be teary about it, but they don't make me think the pain is bad.
It IS bad.

People can be so dismissive

It is still a shit thing to say even when people unthinkingly mean well by it. Of course you want a healthy baby, but you're allowed to not want to feel miserable yourself!

It's an oft-touted phrase but it pisses me off, because the implication is that a) your health and wellbeing are secondary to that of the baby and b) if the baby isn't healthy then you've failed somehow.

It is a rubbish response.

It says that your suffering is unimportant. That isn't going to make anyone feel great.

I am sure your friend didn't mean to be horrible OP, but it is a crap response.

I was thankful that my baby was fine but to be treated like my health didn't matter, as long as baby is okay, makes me feel completely worthless in a way.
I should think that what MIL really meant was that it was a relief that the baby was okay because they're so much more vulnerable at that stage whereas you, as ill as you were, are in a better,stronger position to recover.

Won't go into details but my body is basically fucked from having kids
And if one more person says 'but at least you have healthy kids'
I will actually loose my shittttt

A mothers health does matter

It's this mindset which is why so many women are left to suffer and get fobbed off!

Grrrr

I think youre being over dramatic and emotional because you're full of hormones and baby at the mo.

Oh come on, she has been dealing with anxiety, depression, SPD (very painful) and hyperemesis (absolute hell). She's having a tough time because she's having a tough time, not because her strange woman-chemicals are imbalanced and making her irrational. And if your friend asks how you're doing you're allowed to tell them, you aren't required to shut up about it because ugh babies are boring.

This is another really irritating thing about pregnancy: you can't even feel pissed off without it being put down to 'being hormonal'. Five hundred years of medical progress but once we're pregnant we still get this pseudo-medieval nonsense about imbalanced humours.

What an awful pov your friend and MIL have.

Hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well.

my mum said, shortly after I'd had my first one and had a large PPH and a pretty gruesome orderal 'your nan and I were saying women are so much less tough these days'.

I do think that there's a lot of suck it up comments about when it comes to mums - suck up that baby never sleeping, it's good for the baby, suck up the pain of bf. Plenty of unsympathetic noises to come...

That's why you have to make sure you make sure your needs are met.

Yanbu at all. And as for your MIL when you were ill after your previous birth that is just appalling .

Thank you all!

At least I know I'm not just being daft and I had a valid reason to feel upset by her comment!

my mum said, shortly after I'd had my first one and had a large PPH and a pretty gruesome orderal 'your nan and I were saying women are so much less tough these days'.

Well that's because a lot of women wouldn't have previously survived childbirth with some of the things they can now be (thankfully) sorted with medical intervention. So women were either 'though' or dead.