'As long as baby is healthy' AIBU?

[TiaToblerone]

Probably being over sensitive and prepared to be told IBU here but here goes.....

I am 38 weeks pregnant and been struggling the entire pregnancy, hyperemesis until 30 weeks, but still vomiting daily, crippling SPD and antenatal anxiety and depression which I've been having counselling for.

Anyway, a friend who I don't see all that often as she lives a fair few miles away, called me just for catch up and asked how I was doing... I explained all of the above and just said I was generally feeling a bit miserable, she said 'oh... well as long as baby is healthy that is all that matters'. This made me feel a bit, well, annoyed I suppose. Of course I am hugely grateful and feel lucky that baby is healthy and doing okay, but why ask how I am doing if that's all that matters? And it's not the first time someone has said something like this to me.

After I had my first baby I had to return to the hospital 3 days after being discharged as I developed a nasty infection after c section and wound up with sepsis and static bowel, so was in a pretty bad way. Baby came in with me as I was BF. My MIL called in a panic after being told that baby and I were back in hospital and I explained what was wrong and she said 'Oh thank God, I thought something was wrong with the baby. That's okay then'. That's it, no ' hope you get better etc' like my health didn't matter at all. I mean again I was thankful that my baby was fine but to be treated like my health didn't matter, as long as baby is okay, makes me feel completely worthless in a way.

AIBU to feel this way?

Sorry - it’s because in comparison to hyperemesis and spd and the things you mentioned, it is all that matters, it really is. If baby wasn’t healthy it would be so much harder to cope. It’s easier to take misery upon ourselves.

That doesn’t minimise your suffering but I suppose tries to highlight what you are going through it for, a silver lining as it were.

Mil was rude though

Colleen Balllinger recently made a video covering that issue. I'll link it, you might find it helpful.

It seems harsh but in a way our health is secondary to that of baby - as in how many of us would take the pain if we could to stop our child suffering? Or choose hyperemisis, spd and one if it would prevent a stillbirth?

It’s just easier to deal with our own pain than our child's I think.

Some people just have to respond on a positive note. My step-mother is like this - you can tell her something full of problems/sadness and she will just say, "Oh well, at least...…" and give a positive spin to some part of it, even to the point of falsifying what was said! They don't seem to realise that it is more appropriate and compassionate to acknowledge the difficulties being communicated

That being said - op I am sorry you are suffering and I hope it’s over soon. Are you having another section? Soon?

Sorry - it’s because in comparison to hyperemesis and spd and the things you mentioned, it is all that matters, it really is. If baby wasn’t healthy it would be so much harder to cope. It’s easier to take misery upon ourselves.

No it isn't all that matters. Mothers matter as well. I'd happily go through hyperemesis and SPD if it's a choice between me suffering and my baby suffering, but a) it isn't and b) acknowledging when you're miserable doesn't make you a less caring mother.

YANBU op, it's like when women have a horrendous time in labour and left with injuries. But none of that matters because of the healthy baby. That's why maternity services are so shite sometimes. Actually women's health does matter.
Hope you are OK, I know you aren't really. You're nearly there. Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy

choose hyperemisis, spd and one if it would prevent a stillbirth?

But it’s not either/or. You may still have all these issues and still have a baby who has health problems. They are separate issues and the child’s health is not dependent on how much the mother suffers in pregnancy, or indeed postpartum if she has long standing injuries.

Yes they are separate. But seeing a healthy baby as a silver lining when the mother is suffering because of that pregnancy hopefully puts it a bit into perspective and is a normal thing to say. Who knows, maybe it’ll make the op feel better too.

No one mentioned a mother being less caring when they acknowledge their own misery and suffering.

But in response to those specific things mentioned in OP, sorry but I do think a healthy baby makes it worthwhile. I had a really healthy pregnancy and a stillbirth. I’d have swapped in a heart beat.

I hate this from the other side. Shit pregnancies and a baby that wasn't 'healthy'. Although not life threateningly so. My not healthy baby was just as precious as my healthy one. I didn't feel better about the pregnancy just because I knew the baby would be healthier.

Well it clearly doesn't make the OP feel better, as the OP's said it didn't.

The problem isn't saying that the healthy baby is a good thing - of course the healthy baby is what the mother wants! It's this idea that nothing else matters at all, that you can be iller and more miserable than you've ever been in your life in pregnancy but you should just smile and suck it up. Why? You aren't more likely to get a healthy baby by going through hyperemesis and SPD and antenatal mental health problems. You can want a healthy baby more than anything else in the world, and still wish you didn't feel like crap when you're pregnant. You don't stop mattering just because the baby matters.

Hmm, I have seen so many parents with new born with serious issues, while I was in hospital with my ds.
If you can take offence for people around you not commenting/thinking about your well being, you are the lucky ones.Though I do agree it's very insensitive, and it's natural to get annoyed.

I had hyperemisis but not spd.

My DS was long awaited so really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy. Due to a discovered blood condition on top needed regular scans to make sure he was ok.

I felt miserable, exhausted and had when people would say only a few months and the sickness will stop felt completely dismissed. Imagine in any other life where you vomit for 9 months and people go only a few months to go.

It is a long pregnancy when it doesn't run smoothly . The misery does pass once the little one is here but actually a little compassion when going through helps.

Yep my sympathies, I remember telling DM I was feeling awful with morning sickness, her response was "That's good, it means the baby is doing well"

I’m just coming from a different viewpoint. I don’t see it as the worst thing in the world that presumably wellmeaning friends are trying to find a silver lining to a crap pregnancy. It’s a short journey to getting something wonderful, and sometimes that can be forgotten when it’s really miserable.

It’s not applicable in all cases - but mostly rubbish pregnancies are just a short lived stepping stone to a lifetime, and for that reason, many issues in pregnancy do matter less. they still matter, but outcome is more important than journey, at least to me and probably some others.

And none of that means that compassion isn’t deserved of course

but outcome is more important than journey, at least to me and probably some others.

Well of course outcome is more important than journey. I have had several losses in pregnancy, I would do pretty much anything for a healthy outcome with a happy healthy baby at the end of it. But you don't get extra healthy-baby bonus credits for suffering in pregnancy, it doesn't work like that. It is mean for people to say to the OP: well the baby matters, therefore you don't.

Hyperemesis for me was like having norovirus for 9 months solid. It wasn't just "ooh I feel a bit sicky but I want a baby so I don't care." I was really, really ill, and having people say "as long as the baby's healthy then that's all that matters!" didn't make me feel better, it just made me feel even more miserable and lonely.

A healthy baby is hoped for and it can help some cope with some of the pain, and I agree that many people just say it in those situations to have something positive to say, but I can entirely get why it hurts to feel like your pain doesn't matter. I'm sure it helped my spouse a bit that our daughter was healthy while I was unconscious and full of tubes, but he was still upset and concerned and thankfully his family was kind and considerate to us.

I've been on a high dependency ward post-birth and have seen many mothers who had serious issues. I know mothers who have lifelong medical problems from pregnancy and childbirth and still mourn mothers whose issues became too severe. Our pain and our outcomes matter equally.

Most rubbish pregnancies are short lived and most babies are born well, but saying a healthy baby is all that matters to someone looking for sympathy can make it harder for mothers with medical issues and families with unhealthy babies or mothers to really discuss issues openly. It can come across as positive light in hard times and it come across just as easily as trying to guilt someone into not complaining or worrying about themselves because of what 'really matters' and result in suffering women and families feeling very isolated from others.

I am having a very similar pregnancy OP - severe hyperemesis, SPD, antenatal anxiety/depression. It's shit. And I also get very very fed up with "as long as the baby is ok" like I'm just an irrelevant cooker!

It's actually pretty cruel IMO, as when you have this sort of pregnancy you can get to the point where you feel so utterly miserable that you're not feeling all that much towards the baby. I was like that with my first and with this one too. Fine once the baby arrived, but towards the end I just wanted it to be over and I barely cared about the baby as I was in so much pain and just utterly drained and exhausted - that's what it can do to the mother and her mental health.

As PP said, it just makes you feel even more lonely

I had pretty severe spd on my first pregnancy, from the end of the first trimester. It drove me to the brink of depression for the first time in my life, and utterly marred my pregnancy. The week after having a section, with a newborn, was an utter breeze compared to the pain of the week before having my baby.

I'm now 8 weeks pregnant with my second. I knew I was pregnant before I took the test at 2 days late, because my spd started back up again, (it had never fully gone, but the sudden flare up was different). I've already been in tears with it, and know that I'm likely to be housebound for most of my pregnancy. I'll be lucky to escape permanent damage.

I choose this. Obviously to me, long term its worth the pain, but if someone tells me that the baby is all that matters, I'll be telling them exactly where to go.

You poor thing. It is bloody tough and a long slog. Well done for getting through.

There is such a mindset that the mother isn’t worth a second thought and it’s very damaging. People are dicks is the conclusion I’ve come to through thorough scientific research (aka. Life)

YANBU OP, I had a similar conversation with the health visitor after DD1 was born and just thought “What, so I don’t count at all anymore?” It really pisses me off when people say stuff like that. (She actually turned out to be really nice and was really supportive when I developed PND, but talk about making a bad first impression!)

I always think "as long as the baby's healthy though, eh?" is just a politer way of saying "OK you've talked about your pregnancy for long enough, time to get back to talking about me now".

Isn’t this that's all that matters an exaggeration though? I know I think that in comparison to the pregnancy illnesses mentioned, but op’s friend didn’t say that - which is specifically what I was discussing.

I just think that “at least baby is healthy” doesn't come from a bad place and doesn’t mean mum doesn’t matter. Some people are rubbish at dealing with bad news, especially involving mental health or things they have no personal experience of.

I dunno. I’m skewed. For me ‘baby is healthy’ are the only words I want to hear in pregnancy. Pregnancy is hell for me but if I get to bring my baby home at the end of it I honestly don’t care.

Maybe it’s just worth acknowledging we are all different and if people get it wrong they are hopefully coming from a good place so it’s not worth feeling upset.