'As long as baby is healthy' AIBU?

[TiaToblerone]

Probably being over sensitive and prepared to be told IBU here but here goes.....

I am 38 weeks pregnant and been struggling the entire pregnancy, hyperemesis until 30 weeks, but still vomiting daily, crippling SPD and antenatal anxiety and depression which I've been having counselling for.

Anyway, a friend who I don't see all that often as she lives a fair few miles away, called me just for catch up and asked how I was doing... I explained all of the above and just said I was generally feeling a bit miserable, she said 'oh... well as long as baby is healthy that is all that matters'. This made me feel a bit, well, annoyed I suppose. Of course I am hugely grateful and feel lucky that baby is healthy and doing okay, but why ask how I am doing if that's all that matters? And it's not the first time someone has said something like this to me.

After I had my first baby I had to return to the hospital 3 days after being discharged as I developed a nasty infection after c section and wound up with sepsis and static bowel, so was in a pretty bad way. Baby came in with me as I was BF. My MIL called in a panic after being told that baby and I were back in hospital and I explained what was wrong and she said 'Oh thank God, I thought something was wrong with the baby. That's okay then'. That's it, no ' hope you get better etc' like my health didn't matter at all. I mean again I was thankful that my baby was fine but to be treated like my health didn't matter, as long as baby is okay, makes me feel completely worthless in a way.

AIBU to feel this way?

YANBU.

Mothers are forgotten, and expected to just get on with it. Until I had my c-section, I'd never been in hospital, never had an operation, so didn't know what to expect, and thought it was normal to be given paracetamol, and just sent home with very vague instructions on wound care. The midwife visited once (to give me an incorrect appointment - which didn't exist when I turned up), then from that day onwards I had to drive to one clinic or the other for my and the baby's checkups (different clinic in a different nearby town every time - goodness knows why)

Then DP had knee surgery, and by God the difference! The surgeon actually visited him afterwards! He stayed in more than a day after! They gave him actual, good stuff pain relief, and a little travel pack of dressings, and a pamphlet on what to expect and when to go to the doctor in case of trouble.

The difference was gobsmacking.

@TonnoEMaionese This is so true!!

My brother (healthy mid 20s) had a routine appendectomy a couple of years ago. It was keyhole surgery and went well. Yet he was kept in for four days, was given morphine in hospital and then discharged with two weeks' codeine and had excellent after care and follow ups.

I was kicked out of hospital two days after major abdominal surgery with a couple of packets of paracetamol and Ibroprofen and a newborn!!

YANBU at all. Yes, a healthy baby is important obviously, but a healthy Mum is important too!

I hope the rest of your pregnancy goes well, and you’re both ok 💐

I completely understand you. Any illhealth is invalidated by the promise of a healthy baby as if that makes a third degree tear m/infected wound/hip problems simply go away. Who cares about your lifelong incontinence when baby is healthy.

I hope you are feeling ok, OP

women are so much less tough these days

Women simply expect to be treated like human beings these days and not incubators. My DM has the same attitude and thinks we are all just “snowflakes”

I don’t think either your friend or MIL were trying to be horrible.

Your friend was trying to be positive, what else could she say? I’d take what she said as a way for her trying to bouy you up, kind of like almost there you’ll soon have a gorgeous healthy little bundle in your arms and this will be a distant memory (hopefully).
When I was suffering really bad SPD and other problems the thought of a healthy little baby was all that kept me going some days (but I’d had a lot of miscarriages prior).

Your MIL, was probably terrified your baby had taken ill, it’s awful when newborns are sick it’s really hard getting them through it. She should have asked after your health tho, that was mean of her.

Congratulations on your pregnancy and I hope everything goes well, you’re at the home stretch now. You’ve done really well. I say that as someone who needed a walking aid last pregnancy due to spd, I know how horrendous the pain can be.

women are so much less tough these days

Women these days are shoved out of hospital after a c-section 2 days later. When my GM had her babies via normal delivery she was kept in and waited on hand and foot for 2 weeks. On this evidence the opposite seems to be true

@TiaToblerone - it's both hilarious and horrifying in equal measures isn't it. Don't get me started on pain relief though. If I heard one more time while I was in pre labour 'have you tried a warm bath' I would have exploded. In fact, it was rage at being continually asked that that saw me through the complete exhaustion that contractions every 20 minutes for the best part of a week caused.

Women these days are shoved out of hospital after a c-section 2 days later

Try < 24 hours - I had DS by c-section at 4 in the afternoon, and was out by lunchtime the next day (and that's only because I was last on the rounds for discharge)

Yeah I think you are being over dramatic. Very unnecessary. Your friend didn't mean anything by it, and loads of people say this.

Congrats on your baby by the way.

Sorry but WTF does 'women are so much less tough these days' mean, exactly?!

Years ago women stayed in for 10 days after their baby was born. Now you're lucky if you stay a full day!

I don't think it's intentional exactly but I can relate to this, I very much felt like a vessel when I was pregnant. My in laws were only ever interested in the health of the baby. Then when I had my first child we called round to see my parents on our way home from hospital my dad clearly excited was all over the baby and forgot to even ask how I was, in fact he didn't really acknowledge me!!! Just didn't cross his mind, just kept asking if everything was fine with the baby.

When anyone has a baby I make a point of asking about the mum both in pregnancy and after the baby arrives. I think everyone just forgets about the mum or even worse acts like she's less important!!

I totally understand. I’d be really disappointed in a friend who responded like that. I have always made a point of asking pregnant friends how they are and howTHEY are doing. Same as childbirth. Always ask how the mum is. I also generally buy a present for the new mum herself rather than the baby - on the basis that the baby gets loads of stuff and when you’re a new mum, you give up so much of yourself it’s nice if someone gives you something personal. Hope you’re feeling better soon. Xx

If a non-pregnant person had months of constantly being sick and in chronic pain that couldn't be managed with pain relief and left with impaired mobility, would that be worthy of sympathy? I'm sure most would say it was, so why should a baby as an outcome negate maternal suffering?

It pissed me off with the SPD that on the NHS timeline, being referred at 20 something weeks, you'd be getting close to your due date before being given crutches/ pelvic supports to help (referal to physio+ minimum time for exercises before self referal for aids). Should people be left to limp around until their fractured shin bone is nearly healed before getting crutches? Why is it acceptable to push pregnant women to crisis point first? I only made it to the appointment to get a pelvic support because I'd already sourced crutches before otherwise there was no way I could have heaved myself from the car to the clinic area otherwise. First time round it was just dismissed as "pregnancy aches and pains" by the time I couldn't get around the supermarket. 3 weeks later I was near housebound for the final weeks unless somebody else ferried me door to door and a minimal level of movement was required.

I can't stand "pregnancy isn't an illness". It can do a fucking good impression of one.

I'm sure your friend is just trying to put a positive spin on things but I totally get what you mean. My eldest was an awful sleeper as a baby and toddler and me and DH were discussing it and he said "I feel really protective if your sleep and well being too though". It was so lovely to have it acknowledged that I was actually a person too.

I am sure your MIL cares about you, just that if the baby had been ill this would be much more serious due to the age and fragility of a baby. You are a healthy adult and are stronger so more capable of coming back fit and well. (I am guessing! Only you can know what she meant and how much she cares about you)

As for your friend, I am not sure she knew what to say. When a friend is suffering and it is is something you haven't experienced, it is often hard to find the right words of comfort and reassurance.

Of course your health matters, and the best person to really care about that is you (and your medical team) Your body and health are important, and you are not unreasonable to want your friends and family to care about you.

I am sure your MIL cares about you, just that if the baby had been ill this would be much more serious due to the age and fragility of a baby. You are a healthy adult and are stronger so more capable of coming back fit and well. (I am guessing! Only you can know what she meant and how much she cares about you)

I also have no doubt that if it had been her darling son she would have been much much more concerned.

Oh - I do this to pg women, hadn't thought it might be annoying. Your DM and MIL are probably more my age and we have more or less forgotten how awful pg is and how loooong it takes. It's something soothing to say and shortcut for "I know Christmas is a long way away but just think of that shiny bike!!!" a bit of a weird thing to say now that I pause to think.

I can see why you got annoyed, but I really don't think what they said means they don't care about you.
And once there's something wrong with a baby, you wouldn't care less about what people say, because you wish you can be the one who's
suffering instead of your baby.

I think people just have no idea how utterly horrendous hyperemesis is. And you’ve had it bad, plus a whole host of other awful things too. It’s just shit. I’ve had hyperemesis with all three of my pregnancies and plenty of similar comments to those you’ve heard. It’s just so glib and dismissive of the trauma you’ve been through...I genuinely felt traumatised for a long time by my first HG pregnancy and it has changed how many children we have and the age gap etc as it is so horrible.

Yes we are immensely grateful for our babies. They are my greatest blessing. But my word pregnancy is awful and you are well within your rights to expect a lot more sympathy. Congrats on reaching the final weeks...you have done so incredibly well. I wish you a very straightforward birth and speedy recovery.

I had some awful pregnancy symptoms (SPD, undiagnosed preeclampsia) and people would say to me, come on you aren’t ill, only pregnant!

Except that pregnancy can make you very ill. If you were my friend I would have said how well you had done so far, you only had the last stretch to go, rest up, only do what you can, want to borrow my pregnancy belt, shall I come round for a cuppa etc

There are lots of things to say that don’t negate everything you are going through.

Yes Purplepjs. I got told "you'll forget all about it once the baby's here!" with hyperemesis. I didn't.

Yes, I agree that the healthcare for pregnant and post-natal women is pretty crap pretty often and that this 'as long as baby is healthy' thing is partly to blame.

I'll add that a woman's mental health can be just as important as her physical health and that more needs to be done.

I have a close friend who has been arguing with her GP surgery for a repair for two years. She was stitched up badly after a forceps delivery and is in constant, mild pain as a result. As long as her baby is healthy right?

It was only after I had my own child that I started to realise how crap pregnancy is. I had struggled to conceive, (PCOS, needed Clomid) so was delighted to be pregnant, but oh my God I hated it! Now whenever I have a friend who's pregnant/has a new baby, I always make sure I ask how they are and sympathise if they're having a tough time, whereas previously I might have made some similarly trite remarks.