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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Teacher man handing 4 year old DS

112 replies

Essexdarling · 17/09/2018 17:41

Aibu to want to March down the school and slap New headmaster for putting his hands on my 4yo DS?
So ds started reception last week, first full day today, in assembly he was talking, the new head yanked him off the floor by his arm and dragged him to sit with his teacher... ok so I understand reasonable force to ensure safety of students from themselves and to others etc... he’s 4! He’s talking to his friend in assembly. If he had told him to go sit with the teacher he would have! I got the story from my 2 older DD’s who were in assembly too, both same story. Should I be pulling him up for man handing my child with no good reason?! Or is this supposed to be acceptable?? Help pls (p.s no I do actually want to slap him)

OP posts:

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 19:36

Aibu to want to March down the school and slap New headmaster for putting his hands on my 4yo DS?
Not batshit? Really?
Jeez I feel sorry for the teachers for the next few years.

AmIUnderstandingThisCorrectly · 17/09/2018 19:37

Who would want to be a teacher these days. They can't win.

foxotterhare · 17/09/2018 19:39

Who would want to be a teacher these days. They can't win.

Yes. Because it's so difficult not to haul children about.

Actually, the great thing about most teachers nowadays is their marvellous ability not to behave like this.

Elephantinacravat · 17/09/2018 19:40

The head should have only done what they did if your son was being so disruptive that the assembly could not carry on and it was necessary to remove him from the situation entirely. I have been in this situation and had to remove a Reception child with the help of the head teacher from an assembly because he was jumping up and down and shouting. We also had to make sure that we were using the correct grip (under the arm) etc and that witnesses could see this was happening. This was one of many many incidents in that particular class where we had to be very careful when physically removing a child from a situation (ah what a fun year that was......)

This whole thing about 'reasonable force' is a big thing in teaching at the moment, with safeguarding rules etc. Any teacher touching a child unless they absolutely have to, needs to be very careful.

I would go in and speak to the teacher first, if only to find out what it was that your son was doing which meant that the head felt they needed moving during assembly. Then try and find out how the headteacher handled him, and then go from there. Don't go in there all guns blazing, but do be clear that you are aware of what has happened.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 19:42

Who would want to be a teacher these days. They can't win.

How can they not win? None of the teachers I know would ever consider doing what OP described. It would be completely unprofessional. IF the teacher did that OP is totally correct to be angry. I would imagine though that DD's might have misunderstood what happened as it would be very unusual for a teacher to behave that way.

BoneyBackJefferson · 17/09/2018 19:42

Essexdarling

Your DD's are in the upper years of primary that puts them at the other end of the hall to your youngest.

Do I think that they are telling the truth? Yes I do.

Do I think that they from that distance saw everything and understand entirely what went on? No I don't

As others have said find out all of what went on and not just something from the back of the room.

VickyEadie · 17/09/2018 19:43

As I said I came home and when I was told what had happened, that was my first reaction, I then called my mum who works in a School, she said that’s excessive, I came in here to get another unbiased view. Wish I hadn’t have bothered. Have fun on those high horses, night all!!

You do realise that asking for opinions, then flouncing when they aren't all agreeing with you, is a tad batshit?

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 19:44

Wolfiefan

It's very clear from her OP that she's heard a story and it's got her in protective wolf mum mode - she hasn't gone down to the school or gone batshit at anyone - that was very very clear in her OP.

kateandme · 17/09/2018 19:46

no no op its just very difficult sometimes to try and get clear picture from typed words so I didn't want to say anything or think anything before I got it correct in my head.
I understand ur worried.more so because no matter what happened from ur sons reaction be it whether he was touched,talked to or what for you son to be this upset means there is something to be sorted and im sorry for that.
reassure him this evening.let him know hes safe.let him no his mum is there for him so will go and see if you can make this better.
I would be really "errmm" if my child came home to tell me this too.and really upset if only because ive seen them so.
but for now don't let him feel ur worry and get him upbeat.ask him what he might be looking forward to tomorrow.lessons/friends/school lunch.
there is nothing worse than a child in fear so just try and keep everything calm and look after the both of you.
id go in and talk to them saying what you've heard from your son.his upset over whatever happened.start iff you can at the lowest level of angered.be calm.there is nothing better than being calm in these situations.you come off so much better for yourself and ur son.if you need to then ramp it up having heard the explanation then ur in ur right to do so.but hear it all from the basline first.

AmIUnderstandingThisCorrectly · 17/09/2018 19:49

Yes. Because it's so difficult not to haul children about.

Actually, the great thing about most teachers nowadays is their marvellous ability not to behave like this.

Removing a child from a situation when they are not behaving is not "hauling" them about. That is an unnecessary and overtly emotive descriptor designed to make the situation into something it clearly isn't. Discipline is an important part of the school ethic, both for the good of the individual and the school as a whole. I'm sure you would be the first to complain if your child came home and told you that OP's child had disrupted their learning environment. As I said, the poor teacher can't win.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 19:50

“Protective wolf mum”?
WTAF? Reasonable people don’t say they want to thump teachers based on a secondhand story about an incident with a child who isn’t a “saint”
Ask the school what happened. If you’re not happy then follow complaints procedure. But don’t start being all hysterical about children being “manhandled” and “dragged.”
Not unless you are after a slot on the Jeremy Kyle show.

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/09/2018 19:52

I don’t know wolfie

I hate the raging and aggression but I’d be pretty annoyed if my child had been pulled around.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 19:54

he was walloping the child next to him and the HT spotted it.

That was my initial thought. The teacher obviously thought he needed to be moved urgently. I also would question how being dragged and being guided would look different to a sibling in another part of the hall. Isn't it likely that the teacher used his hand to guide your son to stand where he wanted him to stand without having to speak and disrupt assembly. If he did drag then clearly thats not reasonable force but I would definitely go in and clarify. Him crying at home is likely to be about the humiliation. I would have thought if he just spoke once a gesture telling him to stop would have been enough so would imagine it was more serious than that. Frankly in a 3 year olds first day at school I am surprised he was talking in assembly, usually reception children behave like angels on their first day and find assembly terrifying.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 19:55

Only rumour says he was.
I would go in. Ask what happened.
No point raging and fuming when you don’t have all the facts. And if the teacher did behave in an unacceptable manner (it happens) then it won’t help you resolve the issue.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 19:56

Sorry x post. That was to continually.

continuallychargingmyphone · 17/09/2018 19:56

Of course. But I would be angry. I wouldn’t rage about it but I’d be annoyed

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 19:58

No point being annoyed until you have all the facts.

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 19:58

Many on here have told you the best course of action, is to calmly approach the school and find out before deciding how to react.

It’s best for your son, your DDs at the school and yourself in the long run.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 17/09/2018 20:02

4 year old

NotTheFordType · 17/09/2018 20:03

Bloody hell.

Starlighter · 17/09/2018 20:05

It always worries me with posts like this, people are so quick to assume the children are lying or something else happened to make it acceptable ... I’ve seen it so often. So what kind of message does that give children?

Slightly off topic but ChildLine always encourages children to tell the truth and they are assured they will be believed but so many posters quickly dismiss their feelings and version of events. It’s so disturbing to read.

OP, a teacher should not be putting their hands on your son. No excuses.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 20:06

Teachers can put their hands on a child. In certain situations.
The older kids won’t have seen and heard everything.

PurpleDaisies · 17/09/2018 20:09

OP, a teacher should not be putting their hands on your son. No excuses.

This is plain wrong. It might not have been right in this particular circumstance (it is impossible to tell from the op) but teachers can use touch to keep children safe.

rainingcatsanddog · 17/09/2018 20:11

It's a small village school. 9 in a year for Reception so whole school is about 63 kids with y6 at the back (possibly on benches as in many schools)

I am inclined to believe your DDs and think that the people who disbelieve them assumed that they were at a bigger school (say 60 in a year) where y6 wouldn't be able to see much at all.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 20:11

As I said, the poor teacher can't win.

Yes they can. If the incident happened as OP described the teacher was in the wrong, you don't put your hands roughly on a child unless absolutely necessary and certainly not just because they're taking in assembly. I would absolutely not go into school to complain because a 4 year old was talking in assembly.

I do agree with PP that it may well have been that the DD's didn't see exactly what really happened BUT if it did happen as described then the teacher was wrong. It's not at all a case of can't win. You have to use proper behaviour management techniques - there isn't a choice between do nothing and do something completely OTT and heavy handed.

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