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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Teacher man handing 4 year old DS

112 replies

Essexdarling · 17/09/2018 17:41

Aibu to want to March down the school and slap New headmaster for putting his hands on my 4yo DS?
So ds started reception last week, first full day today, in assembly he was talking, the new head yanked him off the floor by his arm and dragged him to sit with his teacher... ok so I understand reasonable force to ensure safety of students from themselves and to others etc... he’s 4! He’s talking to his friend in assembly. If he had told him to go sit with the teacher he would have! I got the story from my 2 older DD’s who were in assembly too, both same story. Should I be pulling him up for man handing my child with no good reason?! Or is this supposed to be acceptable?? Help pls (p.s no I do actually want to slap him)

OP posts:
Toastedstrudel · 17/09/2018 18:05

“He was sitting on the floor in the hall and was yanked to his feet by the headteacher grabbing his upper arm and pulling him up then marched to sit with his teacher”.

Completely normal, reasonable and within a teacher’s rights.

GreenTulips · 17/09/2018 18:05

Ask the class teach suprised reception are in assembly already

Original poster
Essexdarling · 17/09/2018 18:05

It’s also ds’s first ever school assembly not saying he’s a saint, he’s not, but he’s 4 years old and I do feel it was unnecessary to pull him up to his feet by his arm, he would have gone to sit with the teacher if told to do so. I’m going to take some of your advice and read up on the schools policies, and have a chat with him about it, I’m not happy about it and would not manhandle my own children in that way unless they were putting themselves or others in danger then I 100% agree with restraint and removal.
Thanks everyone

OP posts:
Jammiebammie · 17/09/2018 18:10

Something almost identical happened when my eldest dd was around 8 - female teacher grabbed her arm in assembly and made her sit at the side, then started screaming at her in front of everyone. Dd came home with a red mark on her arm, and very upset.
I was furious but spoke to the school calmly, the head arranged a meeting, but if I’m honest they handled it really badly - the accused teacher was in the room with the headteacher and they had called dd out of class and she felt really pressured by both of them saying that dd was lying, it was awful!
They wouldn’t take the word of the other kids either, I was furious and said I was taking it further.
Long story short we ended up moving schools, and that teacher left shortly after, unsure if it’s related or not.
You can either call the school and speak to the head himself, or as it’s him in question, do you have a parent liaison you could discuss the issue with?
What do you want the outcome to be? Would an apology to you and your son be sufficient?
I can see how a brisk grab can appear worse though - but it should have been handled better - asking your son first to move, and then guiding, without the grab.

NeedSomeTimeInTheSunshiiine · 17/09/2018 18:12

*“He was sitting on the floor in the hall and was yanked to his feet by the headteacher grabbing his upper arm and pulling him up then marched to sit with his teacher”.

Completely normal, reasonable and within a teacher’s rights.*

Disagree completely. I mean, if he was sat on a dangerous ledge, normal and reasonable. But at four years old, and chatting in assembly, a complete overreaction.

Fraying · 17/09/2018 18:15

I'm not sure it is within a teacher's rights to pull a child up from the floor to standing using only one arm.
I'd speak to the teacher to clarify what happened. Your DDs are old enough to be able to tell the difference between 'helped your DS to his feet' and 'yanked him by the arm'. The former is acceptable. The latter isn't in these circumstances.

VickyEadie · 17/09/2018 18:16

Just to confirm that teachers can "manhandle" children if they think it necessary.

Parents who say "No-one touches my child" will be proved wrong from time to time.

Original poster
Essexdarling · 17/09/2018 18:16

Thank you, I don’t even want him to apologise, Just don’t do it to a child unnecessarily again :)

OP posts:
SleepyMcEdie · 17/09/2018 18:17

Is there any chance the teacher was holding his arm to help DS navigate his way out of the audience without falling on the other sitting children?

If not and it was definitely as you have described then I would request a meeting with the headteacher to find out why he teacher felt the need to handle your child in that way.

plumcat · 17/09/2018 18:18

Swift kick to the balls I say

Fraying · 17/09/2018 18:20

Vicky teachers can't manhandle a child for no reason. And a 4-yr-old chatting in assembly isn't a good enough reason.

PassMeTheHaribosAmego · 17/09/2018 18:20

Can I just ask Essex how far away was his teacher ?

Ragwort · 17/09/2018 18:22

What are you saying to your child about him chatting during assembly?

I can't believe you would go in all guns blazing just on the hearsay of other children.

I feel really sorry for teachers.

Wolfiefan · 17/09/2018 18:24

You have no idea how “unnecessary” it was.
You wouldn’t do it “that way”? You don’t know how he did it?
He’s not a saint? So maybe he was being a PITA and stopping the assembly from running as it should?
Go in. Ask what happened. ffs don’t start saying you want to slap the Head. That is completely bonkers and an overreaction.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2018 18:27

I'm assuming no actual mark or harm? If so it's a different matter.

not sure if teachers are allowed to do this?

To confirm what vicky said- they can. No point arguing that he's done something explicitly 'wrong'. He will just say he was guiding him and you will get nowhere.

Absolutely reasonable to go in for a chat and explain that your child was upset and he may have been rougher than intended. I would couch that with a clear emphasis that your child has been spoken to about misbehaving in assemblies.

Your DDs are old enough to be able to tell the difference between 'helped your DS to his feet' and 'yanked him by the arm'.

They can, but they often don't. Kids who did something wrong will deflect to the point of self deception.

bastardkitty · 17/09/2018 18:29

Completely normal, reasonable and within a teacher’s rights.

^ absolute horse shit!

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:30

Teachers do have the right to put their hands on a child if it’s necessary.

donquixotedelamancha · 17/09/2018 18:30

Teacher man? I’m not sure why his sex is relevant.

The only one who could ever reach me
Was the son of a teacher man

Spikeyball · 17/09/2018 18:33

"I'm not sure it is within a teacher's rights to pull a child up from the floor to standing using only one arm."

If a child has to be moved, pulling up by one arm isn't a safe way to do it.

PermanentlyFrizzyHairBall · 17/09/2018 18:34

If it was me I would go in to clarify. As told by your DD's it does sound like a ridiculously heavy handed reaction to a young child talking. I wouldn't expect a teacher to use force unless it was necessary for a child's safety. I would be very calm though and open to the idea that DD's may have got the wrong end of the stick.

StressedToTheMaxx · 17/09/2018 18:38

I taught P1. At an assembly mass one of my children was chatting. I clicked my fingers- not the politest but it worked-, child looked up, I waved to say come here and he came and sat beside me.
The only time I have ever touched a child was to separate 2 fighting children.
Putting your hands on a child is just not needed.

Maldives2006 · 17/09/2018 18:41

This is why i’m very pleased my daughter spent her formative education upto yr 3 overseas where she didn’t start formal education until the age of 6.

My oldest child was once made hysterical by the screaming of the deputy head of his primary school to the point the class teachers were upset. For an incident that the deputy head admitted was not his fault and I still regret not going ballistic.

Maldives2006 · 17/09/2018 18:41

It was at the age of 4 in a British international school

YeTalkShiteHen · 17/09/2018 18:42

StressedToTheMaxx I was well impressed with DDs P1 teacher’s method, she claps to a particular rhythm and they all stop what they’re doing and clap back the same! It worked beautifully! sorely tempted to try it at home

PurpleDaisies · 17/09/2018 18:43

I was well impressed with DDs P1 teacher’s method, she claps to a particular rhythm and they all stop what they’re doing and clap back the same! It worked beautifully! sorely tempted to try it at home

That only works if you train them to do it. Plenty of children ignore the clapping and just carry on.