Bread related fury

[BlackAmericanoNoSugar]

AIBU to think that there should be some sort of mandatory punishment for people who use a bread knife for anything other than cutting bread? I think a short, sharp flogging would be punishment enough. For instance, this morning someone (DH almost certainly, he's a known knife-related CF) used it to spread marmalade.

And also, not punishable because some people genuinely can't help it, I think that learning to cut even awkwardly shaped loaves of bread in a vertical line is a necessary life skill. And any grown man (or woman, but in this house it's a male problem) who can't should be ashamed of himself and have to wait hungrily until the resident straight cutter finishes her lie-in to have morning toast.

I hardly ever start an AIBU thread, but I'm feeling a bit masochistic so am up for the character assassination that will surely follow. The bigger the logical leap in the assumption about my personality the better, 'controlling' and 'unpleasant' are too obvious, so I have already done that for you.

thenightsky if you are squashing your bread then you are putting too much downward pressure on the knife. Just draw the knife forward and backwards in long strokes and it will move downwards by itself as it cuts. (Lesson number one in correct bread cutting from my mother.) I've never seen an electric bread knife in action so I can't comment, but I suspect that the short forward-backward action will tear and crumble the bread a bit.

Waitingonasmiley42

Urm, what?

Another household here that only buys sliced bread. Far more even than we'd ever do.

I bake beautiful bread, but can't cut straight slices. I'd no idea I could blame it on being left handed. My other knife skills are fine and I'm excellent at butchery.
I just make my husband do the cutting. He uses a bread knife from WW2 (has the "Utility" mark on it) and he's very particular about who is allowed to use it.

at cutting from both ends. Nobody in my family has tried that, fortunately.

If we are all sitting down to lunch I usually pre-cut half the loaf, and then cut more when there is only one slice left, it helps keep my blood pressure down.

DS fucked up my Dyson wand with a blockage and, in my fury I used my best little knife to dislodge the offending item and MY KNIFE SNAPPED. Yes. Ruined. Let that be a lesson to all knife abusers.

So I was punished ( having lent an item returned useless- indeed no good deed goes unpunished). What do you have planned for DH? Flogging seems a bit lenient.

Left handed DH is the only one in the house who cuts bread straight. Rest of us think skew-whiff slices are much more interesting. He also sucks his teeth when I use a paring knife to release the seal on a jar of jam.

No such thing as a "useless wedge" of bread in our house - all sorts of uses for stale bread.

OMG Titty that youtube link shows my exact problem! goes off to order left-handed bread knife Thank you

I have found my people, but my murderous rage extends to all incorrect cutlery usage. Eg, cake fork to eat dinner with! Or a teaspoon to eat soup/breakfast with. It makes me want to kill them, but I don't have enough space under the patio!

My mother was brought up in the Rhondda Valley, in a mining family before the war (born late 1920s). I have really fond memories of her telling me about running down the hill as a little girl to the village communal baking oven with two unbaked loaves and 1/2d per loaf to get them baked. I love that idea, a village communal oven.

@ScienceIsTruth ooh I love a cake fork, but they're tiny, why would anyone eat dinner with them?? I will on occasion however, eat a yoghurt with a teaspoon if it's in a small pot.

@ScienceIsTruth, because of the current state of the NHS, I have been forced on a number of occasions to eat my breakfast cereal with a soup spoon at work. I can just about cope with years of below-inflationary pay rises, but cutlery nonsense is the final insult IMO.

I use my bread knife to cut tomatoes. I am completely unashamed.

Was it Paddington?

So - any tips for the perfect slice please?

Get a bread guide. You pop the loaf in and cut through every slot if you want sandwich thickness and every second slot if you want toast thickness. Use a bread knife. That’s it really.

My DH claims not to be able to tell the difference between a dessert spoon and a tea spoon. But I can ignore that with equanimity because they are only being put in the wrong section of the right drawer and not being wrongly used, and because if I said anything about it he might stop emptying the dishwasher altogether and I would have to do it myself. Interestingly it's only when he's emptying the dishwasher that he can't tell the difference, if he is picking up a teaspoon from the drawer to take the teabag out of his cup then he does notice if it's the wrong size and will put the dessert spoon back in the right place and take a teaspoon instead.

I'd forgive wonky bread (I can't do it well), but DH's cheese cutting/grating drives me mad. Instead of starting at one end and cutting from that end until it's finished, he takes it completely out of the packaging and cuts/grates it in every direction. I went to cut some cheese cubes for the DCs and 4/6 faces of the block had been grated from. And he moves it up and down on the grater instead of just downward strokes...

My DH is left handed. He isn't allowed to cut bread.

Yes. Knives are handed. Eg, DH spreads butter from right to left thus using the smooth side of a table knife. I spread from left to right thus using the serrated side*

Have you not heard of a butter knife?

Mornings 🤣🤣🤣

Bread knives are perfect for tomatoes.

My grandma used to expertly cut slices from the loaf horizontally, I don't know how.

No bread knife issues in this house, but DH uses our nice wooden handled steak knives for any job which requires a sharp knife. Then puts them in the dishwasher so the wood gets damaged. I’ve tried hiding them but he would rather search them out than just use an ordinary knife. Grrr.

And he moves it up and down on the grater instead of just downward strokes

Is he getting it confused with something else?

DH is left-handed, has his own left-handed bread knife and still cuts wedges rather than slices.