AIBU? Help resolve an argument please!

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Interested in opinions on this disagreement please! We have two DC age 4 & 2.

Parent A: thinks there should be rules around food in the home that help teach children general societal norms/expectations. For example - things such as dunking toast into milk or fish fingers into orange juice or chips into ice cream etc. should be actively discouraged at all times because in a restaurant/public setting these things would be frowned upon or result in a telling off.

Parent B: thinks that people (regardless of age) should be allowed to experiment and,if they like something generally considered unusual, they should be allowed to do as they please whilst at home. Education on socially acceptable eating habits would take place when relevant (i.e. no dunking dinner in your apple juice whilst at a restaurant/your friend's house/at school etc.).

So....who do you agree with? 😁

A (mostly).

A 4 year old should not be dipping a fish fingers in their drink. A 2 year old should be guided not to.

A if they are going to eat it. B if they are just making a gross mess that turns everyone's stomach. My child plays quietly with her broccoli or unsourced pasta shapes and makes up little scenarios and stories with them but I wouldn't allow playing with food that makes a huge mess ( outwith baby and toddler years) or is noisy or would put other people off eating.

B

I like cheese and peanut butter on toast (I don't really like butter).
And my favourite sandwich is tuna, cheese and sugary mint sauce.
Most people will disagree but each to their own and without any experimentation these things wouldn't be found.
(I don't get them very often as both are unhealthy.)

unsauced pasta!

B. The only real argument against A is wasted food, but that's not necessarily the case with B. If it is though, then I'd lean more toward A.

Why would you tell them off for it at a restaurant and not at home though? If it's ok, it should be ok anywhere. Different people like different things. I find it disgusting that English people have curry with chips but apparently that is socially acceptable in (certain parts of) England (it isn't in other parts of the world!)

Definately A - if only because as a parent on a tight budget I couldn’t afford for the children not to eat their meals because they had experimented and didn’t like the result!

A

Half way between.

I'd make clear what is 'experimentation' when it's happening. Make a game of it. But, you can't just switch rules when you're out, or, especially, at someone else's home - that in other respects resembles your home. That expectation is unrealistic and massively confusing for a child. It sets them up to fail.

Training dcs in good manners is a slow and lengthy process and does require consistency.

Food combinations don't necessarily fall within the 'table manners' boundary though. They are a different thing. By all means try out unusual food combinations - just as you would new recipes.

B with encouragement to experiment (Heston Blumenthal anyone?) but an addendum about wastage. You dip your carrot sticks in your ribena, you eat them.

A, having worked as a waitress as a student I've seen what happens when children are given option B, unsurprisingly it's not the parents who clear up the food mushed into seats and tables, dropped on the floor because 'i don't like it', well no I could've told you that dipping your chicken in squash wouldn't taste nice... B also gives the message that food is to be played with, I've seen few children who play with their food in this way and also eat well at a meal time.

Though, your OP is mostly about dunking. That's probably a phase that will pass. It is also messy and wasteful if the result is unpleasant (usually is). Dd had a 'dropping bits of food into her drink' phase. The result was always unpleasant. It was both discouraged, as wasteful and messy, and passed quite quickly as phases do. We did make real smoothies and milkshakes to demonstrate a better way.

Definitely A.

'Food is not a toy and meals are not a playtime' ! - ha that's exactly how i got through the early years. Food should be fun.

A, but applied gently and with realistic expectations in the early years.

Definitely B

Putting too many rules round eating and not getting food on you whilst learning to eat and learning about new tastes and textures causes fussy eating and food phobias later on.

Children who are fussy eaters or have difficulty with food are helped by learning to play with food through dietetics and speech therapy. We really encourage experimenting and being messy eaters in the home. It's important.

B for the 2 year old, they’re still getting to grips with food and eating so I wouldn’t show any form of ‘discouragement’ really in that context.

And leaning towards A for the 4 year old but more gentle explaining the publicly accepted way of dining rather than getting cross!

Are you going to say which kind you are?

B.

DS2 has an ASD diagnosis. If it's not pasta or fruit he ain't eating it. I'd be overjoyed if he ate fish fingers dunked in yogurt or carrots with chocolate sauce!

A. Even for the 2YO.

I would allow B when they were babies and weaning. But no, by two they should be able to understand basic table manners.

I'm also reading your OP again wondering how and why ice cream and chips are on the table at the same time?!

Why is it good table manners to use this sauce but not that one, to have this food combo but not that one?

Would any Option A types consider my Sri Lankan flatmate to have had bad manners because she ate her fruit with salt? What the difference between eating lamb with redcurrant jelly and ham with syrup?

A all the way, with B, only if it involves the kids during the cooking or prep stage. Because the example I want to set them is
manners at the table, knives, forks unless its a meal that can be eaten by hands, no dunking in drinks or dissecting things: At the same time I try and give them choices eg encouraged to serve themselves from bowls, decide what sauces or not they want, often have meals like fajitas where they can control whats on their plate and how they combine it, (though they know they have to eat some salad as well!)

Lots of B when they are in the kitchen/learning to make snacks or drinks eg lets make Nutella banana pizza with the leftover dough, lets see what goes with strawberries, what sort of sandwich will we try
dont mind the kids asking to try odd combos of things but wasting and ruining a meal thats been cooked for them, or disgusting and off-putting table manners are not acceptable

Mostly A
But I allow them to lick the yoghurt lids saying only at home. This kind of small things is ok I think.

Hi, sorry, mad busy day today. Thank you for all of your responses, very interesting!

Yes, I am indeed parent B - I tried so hard to write a neutral op! The original disagreement arose when dh told ds(4) off this morning for dipping his toast into his milk and was (correctly) told that mummy says it's ok.

I should clarify that the other examples in my op were just flippant, top of my head ideas and haven't actually happened! I did, however, say to dh that I wouldn't restrict food combinations to ones I personally find appetising. I do not condone wastage of food and if he did want to dip his fish fingers into orange juice then my take would be that he can try it with a small piece (and then probably find it disgusting). It's not about wanting my super special little prince and princess to be allowed to express their creativity and genius through food, but about that fact I believe the should be free to choose what they like to eat by themselves. Ds also happens to like strawberry jam and marmite toast sandwiches together - dh for some reason doesn't see this as a problem, go figure?!

Anyway, thanks again for all the responses, much appreciated!

A -as everyone has to learn table manners, I mean can you imagine going to a dinner and your kids sis doing this at seven because you wanted him to experiment. I know I'd feel embarrassed