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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let father to hospital for birth ?

101 replies

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:06

Approaching the birth of my son
The father left when I was 26 weeks pregnant- no warning just said he’s been unhappy and left, I have a child to someone else who adored this babies father and he didn’t say bye to him either
Since then I’ve had no help buying or preparing anything and no texts asking how we are unless I initiate it ( we are having growth scans every week as baby is measuring very small and likely to come early !)

I am having an ELCS
Is it ridiculous to not tell him when? Obviously he is welcome to see baby at the house when I’m home but I know from experience how wiped I was after my first section
I don’t want him thinking it’s his ‘ right ‘ to be there- I did give him the option of us getting on good terms before baby came so he could come into my section and stay here on paternity but nothing materialised

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there- but I don’t want that stress when I’m in hospital so I really wanted other people’s opinions on what they would do!

Also.. if he did try to come and I decided I didn’t want him there- would the hospital stop him?

OP posts:
DragonMamma · 15/09/2018 09:11

YANBU

You’re having a medical procedure, the hospital or you don’t have to allow anybody in the theatre that you dont want there.

I had this issue with my first DCs bio dad, he tried to say it was his ‘right’ to see her be born. I soon put him straight on his ‘right’ to see anything being pushed out of my fanny!

Original poster
Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:12

Thankyou! A family friend has offered to come into theatre with me which puts me at ease
Did you allow the father to the hospital ?
I’m hoping to be home as quickly as they allow me so I’d really rather he just saw the baby at home rather than making me feel uncomfortable in hospital

OP posts:
Branleuse · 15/09/2018 09:13

Yanbu. Fuck him. He impregnated you then fucked off. He deserves nothing. Not even to know about the child until you bill him for child maintenance.

Confusedbeetle · 15/09/2018 09:13

Your choice

ThanksHunkyJesus · 15/09/2018 09:14

Do what makes you comfortable. You're the patient and he's been unsupportive so far.

Bunbunbunny · 15/09/2018 09:14

If he’s going to cause you stress do not have him there, you’re having surgery you wouldn’t have him there for any other surgery.

He lost his right to being there as soon as he walked out on you, you gave him a chance and he’s showed you how he feels. Speak to the hospital they can stop him coming in.

Good luck & best wishes

TwistedStitch · 15/09/2018 09:15

YANBU. You are the patient, your comfort is the only thing that matters here and being relaxed and well supported is best for you and baby. He has no rights at all in this situation.

Inertia · 15/09/2018 09:15

Yanbu.
You will be the patient, he has no rights whatsoever to be a spectator at any part of any of your medical treatment, whether birth related or otherwise.

His parenting responsibility to the child begins once it is born, but it's up to you when you tell him.

Angrybird345 · 15/09/2018 09:16

Don’t tell him! He’s not shown interest and doesn’t care about you so sod him.

Creeper8 · 15/09/2018 09:18

yanbu

Original poster
Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:19

Thank you it’s nice to hear people’s opinions !
Realistically do I tell him baby has arrived once I’m out of theatre and say he can visit when I’m home ?
Or do I just wait till I’m home to tell him?
We have a lot of mutual friends so I think he would find out when baby arrives in all honesty

OP posts:
MiddleClassProblem · 15/09/2018 09:19

Firstly, it doesn’t sound like he’s even asked to be there. If he really wanted to he would be fighting for it.

Secondly, it’s a big thing that your body is going through. You should only have someone there if you are happy and comfortable with it.

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2018 09:21

You could just tell family rather than your mutual friends. You take the time you need.

Original poster
Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:21

The sad thing is he’s expressed it’s his ‘ right’ to be there and he will be waiting outside the theatre room regardless of wether I let him in.
I don’t think he’s pushing it because in his mind ( he knows I’m soft ) he expects to be there

OP posts:
Marriedwithchildren5 · 15/09/2018 09:24

Let him be the one to find out. He's treated you terribly! You owe baby and you first. When that's settled let him know for baby's sake.

PanamaPattie · 15/09/2018 09:26

I wouldn’t tell him when your baby is born. He left you. Don’t put him on the birth certificate and give the baby your surname - not his.

MrsBartlettforthewin · 15/09/2018 09:27

Ward staff won't let him in with out your permission- make sure it is on your notes just in case he tries it.

Don't tell him anything until you are ready.

RangeRider · 15/09/2018 09:27

Don't tell him when it is & don't tell anyone else who can't be relied on to keep it off Facebook. That way he can't turn up and won't know until you decide to announce it.

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2018 09:28

It’s not his right and the hospital will not let him wait outside theatre or, indeed enter the unit if you give that request.

I’ve said this before, as a midwife it can be a VERY bad idea to have former partners there. Emotions run high, it gets messy and the mother often feels let down, sidelined by the baby and generally rubbish.

Don’t tell him the date, by not involving himself in the pregnancy he has forfeited that ‘right’. Invite him to visit when you are ready. If you want to maintain a cordial relationship just say the birth was an emergency due to poor growth.

Original poster
Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:32

Ah I hadn’t thought of saying it as an emergancy!
Because somehow I am still bothered about ‘ looking bad ‘ when deep down I know I should just do what’s best for me really.
My hospital have never seemed that strict on visitors ?
When I had my first child my Gran turned up and I had no idea she knew baby had arrived or had no idea she was coming! Would this be different if I specifically said I didn’t want him there ?

OP posts:
Quangot · 15/09/2018 09:33

YANBU. Make sure the hospital staff know you don't want him to be let in.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 09:35

If you aren't married then he has no rights over the child when it's born only you have automatic parental responsibility. Plus as multiple PPs have said you are the patient while in hospital regardless.

You can be nice to him and allow him to be put in the birth certificate instead of making him go to court to claim parental responsibility. This would mean he had to attend the appointment to register the child's birth with you. If you are going to that nice make sure you don't give the child his lastname. He has absolutely no rights in naming the child. If he tries to insist on any names tell him to sod off.

He however has to pay child maintenance regardless.

Aeroflotgirl · 15/09/2018 09:37

Don't tell him, and you don't have to have him with you when you have the baby, it is up to you when or if he sees the child after the birth. You call the shots.

Bluebell878275 · 15/09/2018 09:37

I personally believe in these kind of circumstances that the Father does have a 'right' to be there, not in the theatre or watch the birth, but I do believe he should be in the waiting room or somewhere so he can meet his child after birth. He doesn't sound supportive so I understand not wanting him there at all.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 09:40

OP tell the hospital staff when you are admitted and before the procedure starts that the father is abusive and they will ensure he's not let in.