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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not let father to hospital for birth ?

101 replies

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:06

Approaching the birth of my son
The father left when I was 26 weeks pregnant- no warning just said he’s been unhappy and left, I have a child to someone else who adored this babies father and he didn’t say bye to him either
Since then I’ve had no help buying or preparing anything and no texts asking how we are unless I initiate it ( we are having growth scans every week as baby is measuring very small and likely to come early !)

I am having an ELCS
Is it ridiculous to not tell him when? Obviously he is welcome to see baby at the house when I’m home but I know from experience how wiped I was after my first section
I don’t want him thinking it’s his ‘ right ‘ to be there- I did give him the option of us getting on good terms before baby came so he could come into my section and stay here on paternity but nothing materialised

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there- but I don’t want that stress when I’m in hospital so I really wanted other people’s opinions on what they would do!

Also.. if he did try to come and I decided I didn’t want him there- would the hospital stop him?

OP posts:
BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 09:44

@Bluebell87275 nope the father or other partner has no legal rights in these cases simply as they aren't the one giving birth.

They also if not married/in civil partnership have
no legal rights to the baby when it is born, and have to be assigned those rights.

If the partner behaves themselves and takes on responsibility then the mother will have no issues handing over some rights and make it easier for them to be formly recognised as a parent.

SequinsOnEverything · 15/09/2018 09:48

If I were you I couldn't forgive him for hurting my son by not even saying goodbye to him. And as he hasn't considered anyone else's feelings, I wouldn't consider his and wouldn't let him be there.

BewareOfDragons · 15/09/2018 09:48

Don't tell him when you're having the baby.

He has no right to be there; it's your medical procedure.

I think people have to realize that adding so much additional stress to an already stressful procedure isn't fair or reasonable by having him there. It just isn't. Nothing wrong with letting him know after the baby has been safely delivered.

Bluebell878275 · 15/09/2018 09:48

OP tell the hospital staff when you are admitted and before the procedure starts that the father is abusive and they will ensure he's not let in

Absolutely disgusting 'advice'. OP has said nothing about him being abusive, yes, he's an unsupportive arse but not abusive! That is a serious thing to accuse someone of being, and to be ok to lie about it!? Disgusting.

TooTrueToBeGood · 15/09/2018 09:50

He has no right to be there. Even if you were still in a relationship he would have no right. If he cared about you or the child he would respect your wishes and put them before his own, again even if you were still in a relationship. Tell the hospital that you do not want him anywhere near you or the baby and let them deal with him.

nakedscientist · 15/09/2018 09:50

I personally believe that this man has no rights to be in the hospital, at all.
He walked out and has not bothered about the baby.

Be strong and see him when you are at home, and have a friend with you so he can't get away with being an arse to you.

ItsColdNow · 15/09/2018 09:52

I can’t understand why any man who’d walked out would have any rights to be at the birth or in the hospital at such a vulnerable (and special) time. He’s given up those rights by walking out and if he wants such privilege he should have been treating you with respect and ensuring that would be a reasonable expectation. There’s also you other child to consider. To walk out and be so callous to you both is really not acceptable.
I would tell the hospital you don’t want him to be present or visit until you are ready.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 09:53

Id really recommend NOT putting him on the birth certificate

RayRayBidet · 15/09/2018 09:53

OP stop worrying about looking bad. You can't look as bad as him leaving a pregnant partner and not saying goodbye to the stepson who loves him.
Tell him what you want to tell him.
If you don't want him there that is absolutely your right.
He lost his right to be involved when he left you.
Good luck for the birth and hope you and baby are well

sexnotgender · 15/09/2018 09:53

He has no right to be there or even visit you in hospital. You are a patient and can ask that he not be allowed in.

Inertia · 15/09/2018 09:55

Don't tell people your section date unless it's someone who actually needs to know eg family member caring for older child- just give a general (later) due date if asked.

Tell the Mw / hospital in advance that your Ex has threatened to turn up at the birth and you don't want him there- you don't have to have anyone there. Nobody has the right to demand attendance at someone else's hospital procedures. And no matter what people personally believe, the father does not have the right to be there either.

Give the baby your surname and don't put father's name on BC - if you are not married he can't go on it unless he registers the birth with you anyway, I would register the birth before telling him. He can apply to court for PR afterwards, but you can't remove it if you change your mind.

Save your niceness for your children, not the man who dumped them.

And go through CMS for maintenance.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 10:01

@Branleuse he can apply to be put on it later and it isn't hard for the father to be out in it.

However aren't married it is up to the mother to arrange the appointment to register the birth, and if he doesn't turn up at the right date and time then he doesn't go on the certificate.

MaiaRindell · 15/09/2018 10:01

The section will be happening to you and your body. It's only his concern after the baby is born. Your son or daughter will have to right to see him too, but not when you are at your most vulnerable.
If you're worried about looking bad, then make sure he is the first person you tell, and make sure he knows it. I would NEVER want my ex in the room.

agedknees · 15/09/2018 10:03

He can’t cherrypick the parts of being a parent he likes.

Go in, have baby, get home and then tell him. You’ll feel emotionally and physically stronger in your own home environment.

Good luck with the birth.

WindDoesNotBreakTheBendyTree · 15/09/2018 10:04

He has no rights in relation to the child's birth - legal or moral.
He can meet the child on your terms, when you are ready. So, no, don't tell him until you're home.
I would register the birth in hospital before you leave, without him on the birth certificate, so that when you do meet he cannot pressure you to name him or call the baby by him mum's name or whatever things he thinks he has a "right" to.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 10:05

@Bluebell878275 emotional abuse is still abuse.

It isn't OK threaten/bully a pregnant woman just because she is carrying a child with your DNA.

TwistedStitch · 15/09/2018 10:05

Yes he can apply to be added to the birth certificate but that doesn't mean OP has to hand him PR immediately. I certainly wouldn't, with a man who is already asserting his 'rights' and pushing boundaries I would want to give myself a bit of breathing space after major surgery and as a new mother without worrying about him demanding his legal 'rights' because I put him on the BC. If he went to court then that would hopefully come with stipulated contact and legal protection.

Maidsrus · 15/09/2018 10:08

Absolutely he has no right to be there.

But if you think that if there is a chance he might “improve” and start to take an interest or even pull his weight in parenting, probably don’t do it in a confrontational way. Would your child benefit from having this man in their life? If yes, an amicable relationship would make things easier in the long run. I’m not saying give him more than his due - unless he wants regular access you call the shots completely as to if and when.

I’d say it was an emergency and you weren’t well enough to get in touch. Then tell him when you are ready.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 10:08

@WindDoesNotBreakTeBendyTree lots of hospitals make you register them later now at your LA's offices due to cutting down on the number of registry offices.

However it is up to the mother to make the appointment if the couple aren't married and if the father can't make it at the time chosen by her, then it's his tough luck.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 10:09

Can someone insist to be tested as the father of someones baby if the mother denies it or doesnt consent though?

Just saying as theres several things i had to take my ex into consideration such as travel and relocating, which if the guy has already fucked off before the baby is here, i really think someone shouldnt have a further say on a womans life for the next 18 years, just becayse he happened to ejaculate in her. Think of your future and dont be tied to him

TheProvincialLady · 15/09/2018 10:12

He’s showing you exactly who he is with these demands and threats.

Show him who you are by standing up for yourself. You don’t make yourself look nice to him or anyone else by rolling over and giving him rights he doesn’t have, you make yourself look weak and clearly he’s the kind of person to take advantage of that.

Keep your ELCS date private.
Tell the staff that your ex is not allowed to visit you either in theatre or ward afterwards.
Don’t put him on the birth certificate. Let him apply for his parental responsibility - this will demonstrate that he actually wants it, rather than giving it automatically (with all the potential issues it brings) to someone who hasn’t demonstrated any interest or concern for his child
Don’t give the baby his surname as this will make it harder for you to travel internationally.
Stop initiating contact with him about the baby - if he is interested, he will get in touch. Imagine he was carrying your baby and not you - wouldn’t you be buying things/asking about their welfare etc? The fact that he isn’t says a lot about him and his commitment to his baby doesn’t it?

TomHardysNextWife · 15/09/2018 10:12

I think you can still involve him ie tell him the date/send pictures. But you do it on your terms, not his. Make it crystal clear that you appreciate he will want to meet his child but that your needs come first here and it will be when you are well enough to deal with it.

He lost his "rights" when he walked out on you.

BlueBug45 · 15/09/2018 10:13

@TwistedStitch - it doesn't.

Once a child is born it's about the child's individual rights not the mother's. A child has a right to have a relationship with both parents even if the parents hate each other.

However for the first 6 months until the child is weaned if the mother is breast feeding there isn't much that the other parent can demand and get for obvious reasons.

Bluebell878275 · 15/09/2018 10:16

*emotional abuse is still abuse.

It isn't OK threaten/bully a pregnant woman just because she is carrying a child with your DNA*

No, it's not ok to threaten or bully anybody! The OP hasn't made any indication of emotional abuse in their relationship or after. He wants to be at the hospital, she doesn't. That's not emotional abuse, it's a difference of opinion (an important difference but not abusive). Abuse is a very serious thing to so flippantly accuse someone of.

TwistedStitch · 15/09/2018 10:17

BlueBug what doesn't? Putting him on the BC gives him automatic PR. My advice to the OP is not to do that. He can apply to court if he wants PR and then a contact order could be sorted out at that point. Giving him immediate PR is of no benefit to the OP or the baby.