To not let father to hospital for birth ?

[Sideofthelake]

Approaching the birth of my son
The father left when I was 26 weeks pregnant- no warning just said he’s been unhappy and left, I have a child to someone else who adored this babies father and he didn’t say bye to him either
Since then I’ve had no help buying or preparing anything and no texts asking how we are unless I initiate it ( we are having growth scans every week as baby is measuring very small and likely to come early !)

I am having an ELCS
Is it ridiculous to not tell him when? Obviously he is welcome to see baby at the house when I’m home but I know from experience how wiped I was after my first section
I don’t want him thinking it’s his ‘ right ‘ to be there- I did give him the option of us getting on good terms before baby came so he could come into my section and stay here on paternity but nothing materialised

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there- but I don’t want that stress when I’m in hospital so I really wanted other people’s opinions on what they would do!

Also.. if he did try to come and I decided I didn’t want him there- would the hospital stop him?

Absolutely disgusting 'advice'. OP has said nothing about him being abusive, yes, he's an unsupportive arse but not abusive! That is a serious thing to accuse someone of being, and to be ok to lie about it!? Disgusting.

FFS. All she has to say is it’s not in my best interests for him to be here. The end. Are you happy now? It will achieve the same thing.

OP, he has no rights in this situation. None. He cannot wait outside a theatre and he cannot visit you in the maternity unit if you let them know you don’t want him there as it’s not in your best interest. You don’t have to go into anything but rest assured he has no rights in this regard. I used to work in A&E and had numerous times (too numerous to count) where I had to tell someone they had 2 choices as the patient didn’t want them there, leave without a fuss and don’t come back or security will forcefully escort you out and endure you don’t get back in, your choice.

Also please don’t think he has the right to visit you at home if you don’t feel comfortable with this. He can wait several weeks until you feel fit enough and ready to go out then he can see the baby in a coffee shop or park for 30min/1hr or whatever suits you and you feel comfortable with. If he wants rights he can do the hard yards in getting them and no court is going to give him any sort of substantial access to s newborn, it will be snippets of time with your there or in a supervised capacity if necessary.

*ensure

Him stating it’s his right to be there is at odds with the rest of his conduct. I suspect he said that just to be argumentative but his behaviour shows he isn’t in the least bit intestested in you, your other child or the baby so I suspect this will be a non-issue and he won’t attempt to show up even if you do tell him. Don’t worry OP

You must let your Midwife and hospital staff know your wishes, and that he is abusive so that they are aware, and don't let him in.

Hospitals usually only allow one person and that person is supposed to be there for the mother, not witness the baby’s arrival.

That's true; that's why if you have a GA no one is allowed in except medical staff. Do you have someone who will be your birth partner, OP? That will solve the immediate problem of who will be with you in theatre. Then rather than announce the birth to the world straight away, just tell your birth partner and whoever is looking after your DS. Let others, including your ex, know in you're own good time.

neverstopexploring disagree. If OP and her partner were "friends" with separate lives and households who decided that they both want to have a baby without a relationship and then to co-parent that baby then yes, he would only have a responsibility towards the baby.

In the OP's situation however, they were a family, the child was conceived with an intention to be raised in a family so OP was fully within her right to expect that her partner would be there for her and for the family. He was supposed to be a partner not a sperm donor. OP wrote that she had no idea he felt this way so it's total gaslighting on his part.

She already has a child whose father isn't around. To subject her to it again, at such a vulnerable time, is disgusting. If he was so bloody unhappy why did he conceive a child with her, why didn't try to do something earlier? As a baby's father he can still redeem himself but he was a very shit partner to OP.

If he gets bitter and angry then he needs to start facing up to the consequences of his actions. You should not be putting the needs of you and your children aside to accommodate the whims and tantrums of a grown man who abdicated his responsibilities.

Yes, discuss it with the mental health midwife and she will help you make a plan.

Going forward you absolutely have to stop caring what he or his family think of you. They have done nothing whatsoever to deserve your consideration.

I would say it’s impossible right now to plan completely for the days and weeks after the birth but you need a buffer person to manage their requests and demands. Do you have a friend or relative who could do that? I would also be wary of offering three evening visits as your older ds may we’ll be unsettled and find out which will cause all sorts of problems.

You need expert advice on how to best meet the needs of both children. The way he has abandoned your ds is sickening and protecting him is way more important than bonding time between the absent daddy and his new child. He made these decisions and now he can deal with the consequences.

You. Are. In. Charge.

FFS. All she has to say is it’s not in my best interests for him to be here. The end. Are you happy now? It will achieve the same thing

No..I don't think false abuse accusations should be taken lightly

I don't believe he should be watching the birth for the Mother's sake, however I do believe he should be there to see his child afterwards or at least be told when the birth was happening. Let's not forget the baby is going through surgery too..if anything happens to either Mum or baby (God forbid) he should at least be in the vicinity. I think that's responsible.

Anyway, OP, you have a good head on your shoulders and seem to be wanting the best for everyone. I hope your ex grows up soon. Good luck, you deserve to be happy.

So was it your ex who did such a good job of eroding all your boundaries, or had somebody else already done that before he came along?

His behaviour does sound controlling, and that is what abusive means. That combined with the way your boundaries seem to have been entirely eroded to almost nothing, you don't trust your own judgment, where you can't see how incredibly reasonable you're being, where you're bending over backwards to subjugate your own needs to his demands about his "rights" (I assume he doesn't have such strong views on his responsibilities on your rights or the rights of your child?), where you're afraid to stand up for yourself... Not normal or healthy.

Your comment about your dad being a "typical dad" is confusing but would explain a lot. You know how you've described him isn't what most people would think "typical dad" means, right? I can understand how that's set you up to have such low expectations from your own partners though.

I hope by now you feel much more confident in doing what's right for you. I'm so sorry he's left you in this situation and is now making it more stressful and distressing for you and your little one.

You don't need to tell him when you give birth, you don't need to tell him anything until you're back home and feel able to deal with him and the pressure he puts on you. That is perfectly reasonable. Looking after yourself is absolutely the right thing to do here.

Why is it responsible to have him there? It’s responsible to have the medical professionals there, and it could be considered responsible to have the mother’s next of kin there as long as that person has been given the authority to make decisions if the mother is unable to. In the OP’s shoes , I wouldn’t want a man who has already abandoned his partner and baby to be making any emergency decisions.

You can believe what you like, and have whoever you want at your own hospital admissions. This man has no rights to demand access to the hospital to see the OP , and as she is the admitted patient and the baby is with her, she controls who is allowed in to see them.

I'm not fussed about the screeching opinions of people who don't have the ability to recognise what abuse even is. There's nothing "disgusting" about pausing to evaluate and accurately label potentially abusive behaviour.

Just because you're ignorant about what abuse is, doesn't mean the rest of us have to bow to your shouting about men's rights and "false accusations".

The only disgusting thing is the ignorant person who feels entitled to shout people down and guilt trip someone in a vulnerable position, BB.

If it's the baby that matters then I am sure it gives no shiney shit if he is there or not! Imo all a baby NEEDS is a dm with good mh and boobs!
So keeping him away until YOU feel up to dealing with him is totally acceptable.

YANBU you are having a medical procedure and have every right to decide who is there/not there. Don’t tell him when you are going in, and let’s him know his child has been born once you are ready.

My DSIS went through pretty much the same thing. She told the father once she was home and settled, and feeling less vulnerable. She also registered birth without him in certificate and gave DN her surname. As predicted, DN father has had very limited contact over the years - his choice.

I've not screeched or shouted. I gave my opinion which the OP asked for. You have NO idea how familiar or not I am with abuse.

however I do believe he should be there to see his child afterwards or at least be told when the birth was happening. Let's not forget the baby is going through surgery too..if anything happens to either Mum or baby (God forbid) he should at least be in the vicinity. I think that's responsible.

The thing is that what you believe may as well be the equivalent of a unicorn as there are no legal obligations in this regard. Also not sure about obs in your system as I was never involved in that regard when working over there but over here only the mother is considered as an inpatient. The baby does not have that status unless it is admitted in its own right which would only happen if it had to go into a special care unit or nicu etc. Basically it is considered to be rooming in with the patient who is the mother. All of this is pertinent when considering who has what rights. As a patient the Mum has no obligation to have the estranged father visit after birth and one could argue this is irresponsible if it adversely affects her mental well being. He has absolutely no rights at all at that stage.

Also, no idea why it would be necessary for him to be in the vicinity in the absolutely rare event something would go wrong (don’t worry OP, nothings going to happen). What’s he going to do, jump in and commence CPR . Also, given he is not married to the OP and there is no birth certificate yet (don’t know if he will be on there anyway, up to OP), he has NO legal standing in regards to any medical decisions for the baby so he is of no advantage at all in this regard and no point him being on standby for it. He also has no right to make any medical decisions at all in regards to the OP, he is not her next of kin. So, as he has absolutely no responsibilities at all, it would NOT be irresponsible to not want him in the vicinity.

Don't tell him when it is.
I'd also be inclined to not put him on the BC. He would have to be present to be on it assuming you're not married.
However I wonder if this changes your right to claim maintenance off him, not sure so best to check that out.

Speak to your midwife op and make sure the hospital knows that he is not be admitted. He has no right to be there and you must do what is right for you to safeguard your mental health.
After that think carefully about what name to give your child and whether or not to put him on the birth certificate. That decision is up to you, there is also the option of a contact centre for contact, if you don't want him in your house.

@Sideofthelake just wanted to say I was in a very similar situation to you so it sounds from your posts. My ex and I split up when I was still pregnant and he said he should be there too 'I have rights' blah blah blah -and messages from his Mum saying similar etc. He also didn't come to any scans I had (my choice) tho I did get him pictures. I refused him and said I only wanted my mum in there.

My friends too, all but 1 said oh just let him in it's really harsh that's his baby etc but I was adamant I didn't care what they said.

When I went into hospital to give birth I told every midwife and nurse my situation, and whilst I don't think he was that bothered really just wanted to throw his right around in case he turned up I wanted them to be prepared. I, however, agreed he could come to the hospital in the later stages and wait outside to be let in once I was a bit sorted. The midwives I had were amazing and kept asking me when to let him in, if I was sure I was ready etc and when I had complications which delayed it went outside and explained it to him so he kept calm/didn't kick off etc.

I think if you make sure you tell everyone (all staff) then you will be fine and they should will respect your wishes. Good luck!!

Thankyou so much for all the reassuring replies.

It’s all so overwhelming I have barely slept. I think I worry so much about how I ‘ look ‘ or come accross because I’d hate him to have no involvement and potentially blame me for not allowing him at the birth ( probably just me overthinking )

I’m hoping I can stay strong and not tell him my csection date is, my mums best friend said she’d come in witn me which would be amazing help and then I think I just need to play by ear for what will happen after that
I could message him when I’ve had her but I just worry he will turn up at hospital - or I could message when we’re home but again I worry this looks very nasty and I know I shouldn’t even care !

Sideofthelake what's your plan for when you go back home. Will you have friends or family with you?

I'm worried he may use your vulnerable state (recovering post section) to bully you to do what he wants.

Please, please tell your midwives what's going on.

Do you have friends who can come be with you when he comes to see the baby? And just to be with you generally to give you support?

I’ve arranged care for my little one so for the first week it will jusy be me and the baby at home!
I’m sure my friends will come and visit, my dad has offered us to go and stay at his but I’d much rather be in the comfort of my own home when recovering and I’m sure he will swing by lots he only lives 5 minutes away.

I think I need to be fully prepared to be doing this alone - I don’t want to expect all this magical help and then when baby arrives feel swamped. I think that would make me vulnerable and give in to anything he says - so I’m hoping now if I focus all my energy into getting the last bits ready and being prepared I’ll be ok

I was however tempted to email him- to tell him I won’t be in touch till she’s here and once she is here we will arrange visits little and often as recommended by Cafcass
Is this a good idea ?

I think I need to be fully prepared to be doing this alone

Yes, but you may be doing it alone for a long time, being kind to yourself just after you have had a csection. It's OK to ask for help when you've just had major surgery - although not in a way that makes you feel swamped of course.

No one would expect a man to look after a baby on his own when he'd just had major abdominal surgery, it just wouldn't happen!

But mainly what concerns me is that he'll use your vulnerable state to take advantage, this is really common.

You seem to find it tough to stand up to him, what I was getting at really is for you you make a plan so you have some emotional support and back up, to help you stand up to him.

Sorry I mean to write:

It's perfectly reasonable to be kind to yourself just after you have had a csection.

Honestly, he didnt worry how it looked when he left you 26 weeks pregnant.
He doesn’t worry how it looks not to be concerned about the welfare of his unborn child.
He doesn’t worry how it looks not to be financially providing for his unborn child.
He doesn’t worry how it looks to be threatening to turn up unwanted and invit d like some kind of nasty vigil.

I think you can allow yourself some slack on how you look. You don’t have to look perfect.