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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not let father to hospital for birth ?

101 replies

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 09:06

Approaching the birth of my son
The father left when I was 26 weeks pregnant- no warning just said he’s been unhappy and left, I have a child to someone else who adored this babies father and he didn’t say bye to him either
Since then I’ve had no help buying or preparing anything and no texts asking how we are unless I initiate it ( we are having growth scans every week as baby is measuring very small and likely to come early !)

I am having an ELCS
Is it ridiculous to not tell him when? Obviously he is welcome to see baby at the house when I’m home but I know from experience how wiped I was after my first section
I don’t want him thinking it’s his ‘ right ‘ to be there- I did give him the option of us getting on good terms before baby came so he could come into my section and stay here on paternity but nothing materialised

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there- but I don’t want that stress when I’m in hospital so I really wanted other people’s opinions on what they would do!

Also.. if he did try to come and I decided I didn’t want him there- would the hospital stop him?

OP posts:

Original poster

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 10:17

Thankyou all so much for the advice !
He is saying he still wants to be involved and I fully intend to let him- but I think what he doesn’t understand is he’s lost the right to an open door policy

I don’t want him coming to my home everyday with the almost 4 year old he walked out on wondering why he is suddenly back purely to visit a baby
The change will be big enough for him and I refuse to do that to my child

My concern is that the father will be very bitter and angry if I don’t allow him to come to the hospital but at the same time I don’t think I should be the only one putting all my feelings to one side. This pregnancy has been awful since he has done this it’s completly knocked me for 6, at 26 weeks pregnant with my first my mum committed suicide so for this to happen this time has turned my world upside down and brought back all those awful horrible alone feelings.
I jusy want to do the right thing by my children but I was struggling to see what the right thing is !

OP posts:

slithytove · 15/09/2018 10:18

Don’t tell him the date
Get through the birth, get home
Tell him when you are ready
Do not put him on the BC

slithytove · 15/09/2018 10:19

He does sound abusive
A decent person wouldn’t do this

NeverStopExploring · 15/09/2018 10:21

What ever choice you make do it for what’s best for you and your newborn baby not through anger and hurt of him leaving. Leaving anyone during pregnancy is awful but when is a good time to leave if your unhappy? When the baby is just born? When you have lived together for years as a family? Or does he just stay and eventually you both end up miserable? I’m not defending him but people are attacking him for leaving but I don’t see how staying and leaving months down the line would have been any better. You don’t know how you will feel on the day or what you will want so plan for the surgery and make your decisions once the baby is here.

Original poster

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 10:24

I can understand that, but I think it’s the way he’s done it which is hurtful
For me he should have tried to make it work as I genuinely had no idea
Or he should have at least been better about it
Leaving my other child without a bye for me is awful, for me when he moved in with us a family he took him on- so jusy leaving isn’t acceptable.
Things like not buying things not asking how we are etc for me is wrong

Especially as I said to him even if he came to see my little one and kept good contact with him then things would be better when baby arrived as it would be fine him coming round. I don’t think it’s ok to not see my child for 3 months then turn back up :(

OP posts:

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 10:24

You sound really strong OP and like youve been through enough shit that you can see straight through this guy.

Uncreative · 15/09/2018 10:31

CHILDBIRTH IS NOT A SPECTATOR SPORT!

He has every right to see his child after the baby is born. But fuck all right to be in the delivery room or operating suite. At that point, your wishes are paramount. You should choose someone who will help you, support you and calm you and clearly that isn’t him.

Incidentally, having someone that will help you, support you and calm you is also what is best for the baby at that stage.

Hospitals usually only allow one person and that person is supposed to be there for the mother, not witness the baby’s arrival.

Uncreative · 15/09/2018 10:35

Just wanted to add, as a parent, I do think he has a right to see his child but....you should set the terms. Obviously, he can’t take a newborn baby away from its mother. I would strongly suggest you make things easier for yourself and not put his name on the birth certificate. It can always be added later if you want to but will make your life much easier in the short term if it isn’t.

Sarahandduck18 · 15/09/2018 10:37

You need to tell the hospital you don’t want him there.

What he has done is emotional abuse which is a form of domestic abuse.

You’re baby shouldn’t be exposed to him until he can prove he is a worthwhile father.

Offer him a contact centre to assess him if he really does want to be a father.

Absolutely DO NOT register the baby with him and don’t burden the child with his surname.

Original poster

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 10:37

Yeah he will definitely see baby, my plan is to offer 3 evenings a week once my older child is in bed (7pm).
I was reading online which says little and often is best for a newborn.
It’s mainly just the hospital and logistics of it all that concerns me, I definitely don’t want him there when I’ll be recovering I can’t see him being any help to either of us

OP posts:

Original poster

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 10:40

I just feel abit vulnerable about it all. He has his mum and quite a big family who will no doubt be unhappy if I don’t allow him to the hospital
And I feel like I have no one in my corner. My friends ( childless ) said just let him it’ll save arguments but I don’t think they understand. I remember bleeding through pads struggling to feed just generally feeling disgusting and I don’t want to add feeling awkward and uncomfortable to that

OP posts:

miketv · 15/09/2018 10:42

Another one here saying that being at the birth is only to support you - and it sounds like he's not shown any recent examples of giving a monkeys about the OP, just his "right" as a dad.

Also think OP should register child alone, with her surname. He can apply to be on the birth certificate separately but he shouldn't be allowed to steam roll the OP into doing everything his own way.

OP do what's best for you, including not telling him about the date of your section. If your baby has to arrive before 37 weeks it's possible that they may need a brief stint on scbu- even more reason why you should explain to the midwives/staff about your situation, so that he sees the baby on your terms.

MandalaYogaTapestry · 15/09/2018 10:42

neverstopexploring err, no it is not understandable to leave your family and pregnant partner just because you feel unhappy. You have responsibilities now so you pull yourself together and try to make it work. It's not just about you anymore. Jesus...

Colbinabbin · 15/09/2018 10:43

I was in very similar circumstances when I had my third child.
I advised the father the day after I birthed my daughter. There was no way he was welcome at the birth. I needed to be focused on birthing, recovering and feeding not meeting his needs.
He was welcome in my home during the day when my older two were are school but since he had broken my kids heart by leaving, I had to protect them too.
He stopped visiting after a week, saw DD again at 4 months then again at 11 months then we never saw him again. DD is now 5.

Juells · 15/09/2018 10:45

I don’t want it to come accross as bitter that I don’t want him there

HRTFT but I can't get over that you'd even think this. Why shouldn't you be bitter? He's been a shit and abandoned you when you needed support.

miketv · 15/09/2018 10:45

Just read your update OP. We have your back. You are being completely reasonable. Definitely tell staff that you don't want him there and make sure you get plenty of help.

bullyingadvice2017 · 15/09/2018 10:47

Go for it op. Sounds like you would be better of on your own.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 10:47

childbirth is absolutely NOT a spectator sport and nobody has the right to be there. Even if you were still with the guy, if you dont want somebody to see you like that, then you dont have to. How degrading.

BumpInTheOven · 15/09/2018 10:58

He has absolutely no rights until YOU assign them to him (if you choose to)... it is your labour... your recovery... your body, your choice, your baby..

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities

The gov website has bit more info about it, but until the baby is registered anything you choose to share is at your discretion.

I hope al goes well x

sleepingdragons · 15/09/2018 10:59

IME maternity wards are much more careful about who is and isn't allowed in.

Don't tell him the date. Ask the midwives not to let him in if he turns up.

StressedToTheMaxx · 15/09/2018 11:00

I felt quite vulnerable after my second c section infront of my supportive partner. So I couldn't even imagine how you would possible feel in front of this man.
You really need to put you first to make sure baby gets here safe and you cope emotionally.
It sounds like you trust your friend to come in with you, so that friendly face will give you reassurance in a room full of strangers.
It's okay to be a little selfish sometimes. Your needs come first right now.
And the idea of visits at home when your other child is asleep is fair on your older child, as they will be confused as it is.
I hope it all goes smooth OP

NeverStopExploring · 15/09/2018 11:01

@MandalaYogaTapestry he has responsibilities to his new born baby no one else. A break up of a family is always awful but if it doesn’t work it doesn’t work. Only the op and her ex know the full ins and outs and I don’t condone his actions but this has nothing to do with the relationship break down or how he left, why or when. I don’t know him or the op.This is about the op making decisions as to at what point to involve him to which I said to make the decisions that are right for her and the baby not based on raw emotion which is what some seem to be suggesting with don’t tell him it’s been born and send him the child mantanance bill

KnotsInMay · 15/09/2018 11:01

“He lost his right to being there as soon as he walked out on you, “ Et, no, he didn’t have a ‘right’ in the first place!

Make it very clear to hospital staff you don’t want him admitted or to know whether or not you are even there.

See how you feel once your baby is born and text him whenever you like. You don’t know how you will feel about it, emotionally or physically. No need to make a plan that has to be stuck to.

And ask your birth partner not to put it on social media or text until you are happy for the news to spread. It is your news, no one else’s.

ohtheholidays · 15/09/2018 11:02

No don't allow him in the hospital OP!

Tell the hospital and they will refuse to let any in that you don't want at the hospital.

I know it's hard and I do know how you feel I went through the same when I was pregnant with my 4th DC,I ended up cutting off contact because of his and his familys behaviour and he's not seen our DS since he was 1 and he's now 17 and he's never seen our DD and she's 15.

It was the best decision I ever made!

If you think you will get hassle from him and his family speak to a solicitor,I did and got a letter sent and it worked.
You said your friends don't understand do you have other family that you can talk to that can support you?If not speak to your midwife and explain what's happened and is happening they can offer you support and so can your HV after the baby is born.

Original poster

Sideofthelake · 15/09/2018 11:06

Unfortunately the only family I have is my dad. I absolutely adore him but he is a typical dad, he doesn’t display much emotion he is very go with the flow and he hates confrontation.
I have been reffered to the enhanced midwife team for additional mental health support - I have my first visit on Monday so I didn’t think but I am probably best mentioning it to them

OP posts:

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