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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end a marriage over sex (or lack of)

79 replies

Castleinthesky10 · 14/09/2018 20:12

Name changed for this
Feel like shit. My husband has gradually lost his sex drive and is just not interested. I thought it must be me so I have lost a stone (also did this for me) and I back to my pre pregnancy weight
I have also had my fango waxed as a desperate last resort as he has always wanted me to do it.

Tonight I came down in some sexy new underware and a g string to show off my waxed bits and he says ‘can we just have a cuddle I am knackered”. Go to sit next to him and discover he has not even got a bit of a hard on.

I am sat upstairs now and just devoured a huge bar of chocolate as I am now thinking what is the point in looking good and keeping the weight off. I also feel stupid I went for a wax for him thinking it would turn him on. It fucking hurt.
We have talked about this but he is always too tired or says I am being too full on. He also accused me of going to bed to early which kills the mood so I have made an effort to stay up and go to bed when he does but nothing
He works full time and runs, cycles and swims a hell of a lot and he is never too tired for those.

I am so fed up of being knocked back and don’t know if I can carry on like this.
It is a great father, providers and we laugh together. He tells me I am gorgeous every day and when we are on a night out I will catch him looking at me from across the room and he will smile.
He is perfect (well as near as dam it) in every other way but I am 34 and not ready to be celibate yet

OP posts:

MrsStrowman · 14/09/2018 20:15

How old is your baby? Has he not quite reconciled the fact that you can be a mum and still an intimate partner?

Ticcinalong · 14/09/2018 20:16

Sorry you are experiencing this. It’s hard when people have different sex drives and it’s hard when you feel rejected.
Only you can decide if it is worth ending the marriage over.

Does he take any medications? Could he be stressed or depressed? Any chance he’s having an affair? And did it just tail off over time or has sex never been a huge part of the relationship?
Maybe is something more to it.

NancyDonahue · 14/09/2018 20:18

How often do you actually have sex? Does he ever inititiate? Is he still wanting kisses, cuddles, hand holds?

Annandale · 14/09/2018 20:18

Has he had problems getting/maintaining an erection generally? It sounds like a classic fear reaction to not being able to 'perform'. Very tough on men.

AmIRightOrAMeringue · 14/09/2018 20:24

Have you tried speaking to him about it? Not in the moment or when you've just been rejected but at a separate time. And trying to avoid any blame but from a point of view of you're worried about the marriage or if there's anything wrong with him. It's not really fair if get puts all the blame on you for being full on or whatever. Most couples have differing sex drives but manage to reach a compromise but at the moment it's all on his terms

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 14/09/2018 20:33

We cuddle and hand hold all the time. I would like a few more kisses then I get and a times a bit more passionate and they tent just be be mouth closed pecks. He does have a synosis issue though that he says makes it hard for him to snog as he nose is blocked a lot of the time.

We have had a chat about it all and he says he still fancies me and wants sex with me and when we do have it he will say “oh we need to do this more often”. But then it’s months till next time. He says he has no erection issues though he does struggle to cum
He is as honest as the day is long, but I can’t help thinking there has to be something going on (it’s not an affair, he is always back here after work and when he is not with me he is with his dad on the footy or with his mates in the pub. (The mates are also good friends with me but the men get together to play pool and darts once a week)

OP posts:

Travis1 · 14/09/2018 20:39

Honestly op I’m struggling with the same thing. Funnily enough my DH is 34 too. We’re maybe hitting once a week/fortnight but we have no kids both work day jobs etc. On paper we should be at it like bunnies but we’re not. It is getting to breaking point for me so watching this with interest and thinking about you

GirlsBlouse17 · 14/09/2018 20:42

I could be wrong but I think you're trying too hard. Men enjoy the chase when a relationship is in the early stages but can get bored of it or are too tired once a relationship settles and the mundaneness and hardship of every day life takes over. I think you should continue with doing things to look good but do it for your benefit, not his. I don't think talking with him about lack of sex helps because it just adds pressure and makes sex a chore and he will be embarrassed and self conscious. I think you need to be more subtle about sex and try and recreate the early days of your relationship when you were starting to get it together and giving each other subtle sexual signals and flirting and then brushing past him or your hands touch slightly or allow a little bit of cleavage to be exposed, but do not offer sex to him, not until he is gagging for it!

Anyway, that is what I think but expect others won't agree 🤐

Bluelady · 14/09/2018 20:46

I do agree and was thinking exactly the same thing.

IcedPurple · 14/09/2018 20:57

. Men enjoy the chase when a relationship is in the early stages but can get bored of it or are too tired once a relationship settles and the mundaneness and hardship of every day life takes over.

Women too.

EdWinchester · 14/09/2018 21:02

I agree, you're trying too hard.

You look desperate which is very unattractive, imo.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 14/09/2018 21:04

Find some hobbies.
Become less available......

Bimgy85 · 14/09/2018 21:05

If it's that important to you, yanbu

For me sex is only a very small percentage of a relationship and I prefer a deeper love/different ways of showing affection rather than sex

ItWentDownMyHeartHole · 14/09/2018 21:11

If I were you I’d ignore GirlsBlouse’s advice, a little dated I feel. You’ve got a problem and if he won’t talk about it I would suggest you go to therapy (to work out what your boundaries and choices are) and maybe see if he’ll join you.
He’s either gay, porn addicted, asexual, punishing you, terrified you’ll get pregnant, seeing someone else or just very, very selfish. If none of those things were previously apparent then he’s not playing fair. You could do better.

arethereanyleftatall · 14/09/2018 21:13

It's up to you whether this is a deal breaker or not. It wouldn't be for me, as I could give or take sex now.
I think it must be horrible for you, when you went to so much effort though. That was kind of you.
Please realise it isn't you, some people have low sex drives which just get lower and lower.
I also play a lot of sport, and to be honest, I do prioritise that above sex. I get more of a kick out of scoring a goal for example, than having a shag. Does mean I'm knackered of an evening.

Sunnymeg · 14/09/2018 21:14

I would try and persuade him to go and see his GP about the tiredness and lack of sex drive. There may be an underlying medical cause.

ThrillitDontkillit · 14/09/2018 21:17

I was you, still am actually, but my DH has had a life changing illness, which he can now blame. But we both know the problem was there beforehand. also like you, trouble cumming but can get it up okay. Blames tiredness, but is fit and has time and energy for a lot of other things.

Like your DH, he is a great father to our ds, provide, companion, friend. He knows me, my quirks and anxieties and knows just how to make me happy in every way. But like you, sexually, it is pretty dead.

I have blamed myself, dressed up, dressed down, considered he may be gay, convinced myself he could be having affairs... Cried, considered having sexual affairs, shouted, scream, sulky, been reasonable, been unreasonable... Everything. Until very recently I thought the only way was divorce.

But I love him, his company and our life. Our ds is happy and stable.

I recently just told him I felt wretched abd frustrated, and I could try and cope with the no sex, but couldn't cope with the no intimacy. He needed to try. He needed to acknowledge that this isn't normal and I was suffering. Just to show me that he at least thought about it sometimes. I was calm, just sad.

Since then, he has tried... It has been better. But not anywhere near what I would consider normal or satisfactory. For now it is enough that he is openly acknowledging my frustration. But I still remain wanting.

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 15/09/2018 07:15

Thanks for the advice. I am 100 sure he is not having an affair, he does not have the time in inbetween work and home life. I know he is at work all the time he should be as he works with my brother. Also he is that clumsy about things i would find out within about 10 seconds if he was.
Maybe I should stop trying as hard. I have a bit of cleavage the other day and he came up to me and said it looked so sexy and out his arms around me. DS was in the next room so that’s as far as that went.
I have tried to spice things up a bit should as saucy texts but no go, he said he makes him feel silly.
The only thing I can think of is his parents are very prudish and never talked about sex at all. DH found everything out through mates and sex Ed. I know DH was teased about the size of his penis when showering after sports at school (he is very much a grower not a shower). I have suggested councilling or seeing the GP but he is too embarrassed
I am not going to leave as I am so happy with him except for this. I would rather this way and have a crap sex love then have mind blowing sex and the rest of our life’s together be shit.’

OP posts:

Sandstormbrewing · 15/09/2018 07:34

It isn't you, it's him. You could look like his fantasy women and he still wouldn't be interested.

My husband is gorgeous, I love him with my whole heart and he's just wonderful. But I don't want sex with him. I don't want sex with anyone. I'm not depressed, I'm just not interested in sex. I have a low libido. It hasn't always been this way but I seem to have 'burnt out'. There's no medical reason.

I wouldn't blame my husband for leaving me, and I wouldn't blame you for leaving yours. Ultimately if he doesn't want sex and there's no medical cause then you just aren't matched in that department, only you can say if you can live with that.

BarnabyBungle · 15/09/2018 07:53

Travis1

Not really the same at all.... OP is going months without, not a week or so. You’ve simply got sex drives that are somewhat mis-matched... most couples will get that at times in their relationship. It’s unusual for couples to be like bunnies the whole time.

BarnabyBungle · 15/09/2018 08:00

I agree, you're trying too hard. You look desperate which is very unattractive, imo.

Disagree... She’s doing exactly the things that you would expect to turn a man on, if he was so inclined.

I’ve never known a man yet (who’s inclined to be sexually interested) to say stuff like “I wish you hadn’t shaved your bits (just like I’ve said I liked) and worn that thong in an effort to make me horny.... you really must make less effort to turn me on if you want to get some.”

Movablefeast · 15/09/2018 08:26

She is not acting desperate, if I behaved like that (except the waxing can't be doing with it) I would be beating DH off with a stick! We are both turning 50 and DH is all over me like a rash. He loves everything about me and my body and is very keen to show me how much!

I think you really must see a sex therapist. I couldn't imagine a sexless marriage for maybe 50 years

SwordToFlamethrower · 15/09/2018 08:39

You are not trying too hard OP! It's him not you. I was in a sexless relationship and no matter what I did, nothing would happen or he would stop part way through. It was horrible. Got me down a lot.
We split in the end. I resented him. Especially because I was getting so much attention at work. Even in the coffee shops I was sat in, the barrister used to make eyes at me.
I couldn't stay with him any longer and we split up. Before I moved out of town I contacted the barrister and had one night with him. It was the best sex I had in YEARS. I was so glad I did it. I made me realise how much I had been missing.

Fast forward 9 years and I am in a relationship with my soul mate for the past 4 years. We cannot keep our hands off each other. I have the best sex life I've ever had and feel sexy and beautiful! And I am in my 40s whereas in my 20s and 30s I was miserable.

Be sexy for yourself, not for him. Love yourself first. Then you will realise that he is no good for you. There will be a queue of men lining up to be with you. Go for it! Start your adventure!

Sassielassie · 15/09/2018 10:10

Has your DH had bloods done recently? Only asking as this sounds similar to a friend of mine. She was at her wits end then by chance they discovered her DH was diabetic and hadnt realised. Once he got that under control his sex drive returned to normal. Might be worth ruling out before you decide to walk away if this is the only issue.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 10:11

Dump him. This will slowly kill you inside.

Ive been where you are. Its humilating and soul destroying.

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