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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To end a marriage over sex (or lack of)

79 replies

Castleinthesky10 · 14/09/2018 20:12

Name changed for this
Feel like shit. My husband has gradually lost his sex drive and is just not interested. I thought it must be me so I have lost a stone (also did this for me) and I back to my pre pregnancy weight
I have also had my fango waxed as a desperate last resort as he has always wanted me to do it.

Tonight I came down in some sexy new underware and a g string to show off my waxed bits and he says ‘can we just have a cuddle I am knackered”. Go to sit next to him and discover he has not even got a bit of a hard on.

I am sat upstairs now and just devoured a huge bar of chocolate as I am now thinking what is the point in looking good and keeping the weight off. I also feel stupid I went for a wax for him thinking it would turn him on. It fucking hurt.
We have talked about this but he is always too tired or says I am being too full on. He also accused me of going to bed to early which kills the mood so I have made an effort to stay up and go to bed when he does but nothing
He works full time and runs, cycles and swims a hell of a lot and he is never too tired for those.

I am so fed up of being knocked back and don’t know if I can carry on like this.
It is a great father, providers and we laugh together. He tells me I am gorgeous every day and when we are on a night out I will catch him looking at me from across the room and he will smile.
He is perfect (well as near as dam it) in every other way but I am 34 and not ready to be celibate yet

OP posts:
ratherbeshowjumping · 16/09/2018 07:42

@Castleinthesky10 I'm not sure I could stick out 7 years!! 18 months has been bad enough.

I've told him that I'm going to go back on bc as struggle really badly with painful periods - happy to go through the pain each month if we were trying and apparently we are but we are very much not....!!! He's really saddened by this "well it definitely won't happen now" - it's definitely not going to happen anyway!!!!

Exactly the same, he's never once done that.

Sky sports genuinely is the bane of my life.

Aimarge · 16/09/2018 08:44

Could you buy a rabbit Wink I couldn't go that long without an orgasm I'd be climbing the walls.

bridgetreilly · 16/09/2018 08:47

I would rather this way and have a crap sex love then have mind blowing sex and the rest of our life’s together be shit.

I think this is REALLY important to remember. This might just be a season but the rest of your relationship is what's important. Focus on the reasons why you love him and are happy with him, and stop worrying about the sex just for the moment.

AuntieFesterAdams · 16/09/2018 08:53

He might be low in testosterone...has he had that checked?

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 16/09/2018 09:08

I hope he doesnt expect oral then, that tastes worse.

He sounds pretty selfish. He blames you for no sex being too much. Blames you for his sports trip because you've been poorly. I'm curious, does he blame you a lot?

BettyCrook · 16/09/2018 09:10

I really think that he is gay.

LonelyOversharer · 16/09/2018 09:12

I read so many of these threads. It's awful really.

For starters, if he's competing seriously, he'll not be "cheating" with steroids as especially triathletes need to be strong but whip thin. And then the risk if getting tested and caught (it does happen) would mean being disowned by his peers.

I'm in the same boat op. Except I'm 42 and in year 7 of this. It is so utterly grim and soul destroying. I am completely stuck though. I work ft, dp picks the dc from school etc. But he is like an au pair who sleeps in my bed. We have been through every permutation of asking/screaming/begging/gp visits/changing appearance etc. All to no avail. It is him. We both know it is him. But nothing changes. He just doesn't value sex. Once a week is a dream! Try once a fucking year.

I only wish there was some way of knowing before hand. So many of us are stuck in mis-matched libido relationships. I wish there was an easy answer.

The answer isn't always porn either. A low libido is just that. Dp would rather read a technical sport training manual ooo such a turn on ...how on earth could I top that Mine doesn't even watch sky sports. Or game. Or anything. He just doesn't need sex.

Haireverywhere · 16/09/2018 09:15

I am having marriage counselling for similar issues (but a different cause) and it is slowly starting to help. It's not a problem unless one person is unhappy with the frequency and or quality. Then it erodes self esteem and causes resentment if you wait too long to address it. So I'd suggest you talk about it again.

Aside - OP my friend's husband was booking annual leave and pretending to go to work when he was really meeting his OW. That's just a thought in case any other potential red flags come up.

LonelyOversharer · 16/09/2018 09:17

Sorry, to answer your op, no, you are not unreasonable to leave.

Oh and by "stuck" I mean living with someone you care for deeply, fully share a life and dc with, but find yourselves mismatched in the libido department.

Alwa · 16/09/2018 09:18

No advice but that's totally rubbish. I hope you find a solution.

butterflysugarbaby · 16/09/2018 09:23

He sounds awful sorry op and you deserve better.

Don't rule out an affair. You say he does not have time for one. Everyone can find time for an affair. Also, he does sound like he may be gay.

LokiBear · 16/09/2018 09:30

Does he watch pornography? Porn addiction can have a massively detrimental impact on a mans sex life. I ask because you've said he has issues with ejaculation. Real world sex becomes boring when a man is addicted to porn and they need more and more stimulation. Just an angle you might not have considered.

TeachesOfPeaches · 16/09/2018 09:30

I thought you were going to say this had been going on a few months not seven YEARS Confused

It must be terribly humiliating to stand there dressed up and be turned down. I think you need to give him an ultimatum.

KC225 · 16/09/2018 09:36

Wow OP. Your initial post is misleading, you stated that your DH has gradually lost intrest in sex but it seems that it has been an ongoing issue. 7 years and he is only 34. Twice in one year when you were trying to conceive.

Your further updates suggest your DH has a deep routed hang up about sex, so ignore the sexist 'men want to do the chasing, your trying too hard' drivel. He has never tried oral sex for the fear it would taste horrible. Has he never experimented? His inhibitions are his and I think you need to know let him know that the lack of intimacy and feeling on rejection is having massive impact on your self esteem. Suggest seeing a sex therapist. His excuse of being tired when he spends so much energy of his physical activities doesn't cut it.

Good luck OP.

BettyCrook · 16/09/2018 09:36

Even if he was having an affair he would still be having sex to not make the wife suspiscious and because he doesnt have respect for either women and its sex!!
Gay in denial.

Joey7t8 · 16/09/2018 10:01

You have my full sympathy, OP. I went through similar when I was early 30s, and to put in all that effort for no response was soul destroying.

In retrospect the mistake I made was that I was too loyal, and my ex knew it. In retrospect, being totally focussed on her - and probably giving an air of desperation - would’ve been even more of a turn off.

Keep making the effort with yourself and let other men see how attractive you. It’ll give you a much needed ego boost, and your husband’s desire may well be re-awakened when he sees you get attention and by your confidence.

Original poster
Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 20:14

I don’t think he is gay. I have seen him practically drooling over a couple of the female characters in Game iof thrones and the tudors etc. I also found a dirty magazine about 4 years ago which was all female and I caught him watching girl on girl porn. I think the porn may be it. I thought it has stopped after that one time and he must be covering his tracks brilliantly as I have checked the browsing history of our devices quite a few times.

OP posts:
Original poster
Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 20:17

Also he was a 25 year old virgin when we met, he had had girlfriends but nothing serious. When we first name starting having sex for the first 5 years years we were like rabbits and then it’s gradually tailed off. I did have some issues with pain and sex but that was before it all tailed off and I sorted the problem by coming off the contraceptive injection. I think the porn may have started then

OP posts:
Original poster
Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 20:19

I am 34 he is 41

OP posts:
Sandstormbrewing · 16/09/2018 20:45

I'm amazed at the number of people who think there must be something 'wrong' - gay, low testosterone, porn addiction, affair. The man likely has a low libido, no cause, nothing wrong, just a low libido. It happens. Not everyone wants much sex.

It's unfortunate that the OP has a higher sex drive, but ultimatums won't help and will just make him feel worse about something that's just who he is. OP needs to decide if she can live with it or not as it probably won't get better. Either accept it and move forward or accept it and move on to someone new.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2018 21:04

I'm amazed at the number of people who think there must could be something 'wrong' - gay, low testosterone, porn addiction, affair.

Fixed that for you.

I know two relationships with next to no sex where the man is gay. One Irish Catholic, one weird childhood and controlling parents. I know many lesbians that ended up with women after marriages, relationships and so on. It's more common than you think.

Sandstormbrewing · 16/09/2018 21:10

It's more common than you think. Low libido is more common than some people in this thread realise.

And being in a same sex relationship after being in a hetro one doesn't make you gay all along.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 16/09/2018 22:01

Low libido is normal and fine. Making your partner feel desperate and at fault for the lack of sex life is not. It's indicitive of a selfish prick, whatever the sex

You arent compatable. You see it. He would rather make you feel bad for feeling it.

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2018 22:09

How this Internet forum thing works sand is you suggest what you think it might be, other people suggest what they think it might be and the OP applies those things to her situation. It could be low libido, sexuality, affair or steroids. OP is best placed to think about that.

WillowPeach · 16/09/2018 22:37

I guess it depends what’s most important to you OP. My OH and I have been having issues in the bedroom for a while. We love each other dearly and have lots of affection daily, but we’re just not active in the bedroom. Like you, I was beginning to think he was going off me because he was never in the mood or always tired.

Finally we got to the root cause of the problem - he was diagnosed with ME and gall stones so is waiting on an operation. Because of this, his health has been atrocious and it’s been as long as February since the last time we did the deed. I love him more than anything though so leaving him over this never crossed my mind.

Maybe you could ask your partner to go to the doctors - there may be a legit reason he’s always too tired. Too long work days, not enough sleep, depression, iron deficiency, underlying medical condition. Is he on any medication for anything? I am on Sertraline for OCD so that affects my sex drive so that’s something to consider.

You married him for a reason, I don’t think you should throw your marriage away over this but only you can decide.