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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To end a marriage over sex (or lack of)

79 replies

Castleinthesky10 · 14/09/2018 20:12

Name changed for this
Feel like shit. My husband has gradually lost his sex drive and is just not interested. I thought it must be me so I have lost a stone (also did this for me) and I back to my pre pregnancy weight
I have also had my fango waxed as a desperate last resort as he has always wanted me to do it.

Tonight I came down in some sexy new underware and a g string to show off my waxed bits and he says ‘can we just have a cuddle I am knackered”. Go to sit next to him and discover he has not even got a bit of a hard on.

I am sat upstairs now and just devoured a huge bar of chocolate as I am now thinking what is the point in looking good and keeping the weight off. I also feel stupid I went for a wax for him thinking it would turn him on. It fucking hurt.
We have talked about this but he is always too tired or says I am being too full on. He also accused me of going to bed to early which kills the mood so I have made an effort to stay up and go to bed when he does but nothing
He works full time and runs, cycles and swims a hell of a lot and he is never too tired for those.

I am so fed up of being knocked back and don’t know if I can carry on like this.
It is a great father, providers and we laugh together. He tells me I am gorgeous every day and when we are on a night out I will catch him looking at me from across the room and he will smile.
He is perfect (well as near as dam it) in every other way but I am 34 and not ready to be celibate yet

OP posts:

busybarbara · 15/09/2018 10:19

Are you doing at least half of the household chores? Also you should try having some dates where sex is entirely off the table to take the pressure off. Those are the two most common suggestions I see when men complain about sexless marriages at least Oh, and that a relationship isn't all about sex and noone NEEDS it.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 11:51

speak for yourself Barbara. If my relationship didnt have sex in it, id look for a relationship that did.

Sandstormbrewing · 15/09/2018 12:02

Branleuse Barbara was being tongue in cheek as when men post on here about the lack of sex in their marriage the get told to go more house work, don't mention sex and that if that doesn't work then back get used to it as no one needs it.

Which is very different to the advice the OP is getting on this thread.

Branleuse · 15/09/2018 12:48

yeah, people do often say that to men and I think its a bit weird. You dont put housework in and sex comes out. I also think men have the right to end a relationship that stops meeting basic needs.
Youd hope that in most healthy relationships there would be enough other benefits and love to be able to tide you over in shit times, but we all know thats not always the case.

MatildaTheCat · 15/09/2018 12:56

Has he always had a low sex drive or is it since pregnancy and birth? Or since marriage? Some men experience something called the Madonna- whore complex. My friend’s DH almost never had sex with her for several years after they got married. It was almost a deal breaker as she wanted dc but he finally got over it.

Rejection is really hurtful but the refusal to discuss or explore the reasons are even worse.

stegosauruslady · 15/09/2018 13:01

I left my exH for precisely this reason. He wasn't up for sex more than once every few months, wouldn't get any medical problems ruled out claimed to be 'tired' and 'stressed'...turns out he had a porn problem and sex couldn't match up to it.

stevesmithsmum · 15/09/2018 13:03

The trying too hard is just a red herring.

OP, trust me. Most blokes would be all over you like a rash if you dressed in a g string, shaved! ....... Jesus!

I’m not sure what’s going on in his head, but it ain’t "normal"

Marie0 · 15/09/2018 13:14

lol steve

My DH would love the G string and shaved - defo not 'normal'

Get the impression sex is a BIG part of most people's relationship. Guess I'm in a minority. We have sex when we have the time and energy.

Sometimes that can be a long period of time, but neither of us feel rejected - I think the problem is you have a completely different sex drive. He seems to still find you attractive - unless you think the comments are maybe to appease you?

You definitely should make less effort (in an obvious way) and get to the bottom of it, with talking. Find a way to get him to open up.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/09/2018 13:33

Libido is close lined to ability to smell strangely . If his sinuses are blocked that could be the cause. Had a friend who had surgery on his nose and was warned by his doctor that it might affect his ability to smell and therefore his libido. I thought wtf and did a bit of research. It is actually a thing. Go figure.

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 15/09/2018 13:52

He has managed to make me feel like even more shit this morning. He is meant to be doing a triathalon next weekend. I have been dignosed with anemia five days ago and prior to this DH has been getting up with DS everyday as I have felt awful in the mornings (DS sleeps till half seven) and letting me sleep. He has suddenly said he is considering not doing the trithalon as he has not been in the pool for 2 weeks (usually goes before work). Way to make me feel totally shit

OP posts:

Deadringer · 15/09/2018 13:55

Being attractive and available is all most men would require so I don't agree with the pp who said you are too available. It is not you or anything you are doing, something is going on with him, whether it's his health, just general low sex drive or something else. He doesn't have to have sex with you if he doesn't want to but he owes it to you to talk to you about it.

Movablefeast · 15/09/2018 16:43

I think the health check is very good advice and surely should be the first step. Have you broached the subject with him OP?

Thatsfuckingshit · 15/09/2018 16:51

Op i think you are taking this too far. He stated a fact. He hasnt been in the pool for while. Thats it

Namechangingagainjustbecause · 15/09/2018 16:59

You need to really think about whether you are happy with a sexless marriage. It will never change. I’ve tried every trick in the book to try and get my marriage healthy in the intimacy department over the past 15 years and nothing has worked. I have now resigned myself to living without it. Like your dh, my dh is wonderful in every other way so I decided to stay with him. Now that I don’t ever expect it it is easier to deal with not getting it. Slightly.

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 15/09/2018 18:21

Sorry he said that the reason he had not been in the pool is because of me. He could have gone this morning when I was up with DS but no he was tired. He can also go to the pool in the evenings or after work

OP posts:

MajesticWhine · 15/09/2018 19:51

My H does triathlon too and it involves a huge amount of training. I wonder if there is a link between overtraining and low sexual drive?

SirB0bby · 15/09/2018 22:41

How old is your DS? Maybe his prudish upbringing means that your having given birth to his child means that he struggles to see you as a sexual being and he is conflicted. This happened to a friend of mine (and apparently Elvis too)!

Djnoun · 15/09/2018 22:46

Break up.

ratherbeshowjumping · 15/09/2018 22:55

Op I'm so pleased I've found this thread. I posted this morning with the exact same issue.

My DH is also 34 🤔
We too have a great relationship, I'm 100% sure he is not having an affair, claims to be too tired but not tired enough to watch sky sports all night.

How long has this been going on for you? X

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 03:55

I would say about 7 years, it’s a wonder we managed to conceive DS. We had sex twice in one year and one of those times DS was conceived.

He keeps saying he wants another one but I think he thinks I am going to be the next immaculate conception

OP posts:

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 03:56

Also he has never given me oral sex as he thinks it would taste awful

OP posts:

Original poster

Castleinthesky10 · 16/09/2018 03:57

My DH also stays up till about midnight watching sky sports.

OP posts:

sadiesnakes · 16/09/2018 04:31

Are you sure it's sky sports he's watching?🤔

MrsTerryPratchett · 16/09/2018 05:07

Could he be gay?

MaggieSimpsonsPacifier · 16/09/2018 05:29

Could he be overtraining or taking some sort of steroid/supplement? This is quite interesting:

uk.askmen.com/sports/bodybuilding_150/197b_fitness_tip.html

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