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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the school are at fault?

179 replies

Marie0 · 14/09/2018 18:39

My DS 13 (year 9) has really bad behavioural problems.

He's in a vicious cycle in school. He doesn't learn anything due to him being sent out class due to his behaviour and then when he doesn't understand his work he starts to misbehave again due to frustration of not understanding.

He hates most of his teachers as they don't have the time of day for him and are seemingly waiting for him to make a wrong move to send him out. As a result school have put him on a different time table to his friends so he attends lessons with teachers he gets along with who will 'tolerate' him and hopefully he will learn something.

We regularly meet with his head of year (once a term) and the content of the meetings are just about his behaviour. (Disrespectful, truancy no motivation). It didn't really occur to me that there may be a learning difficulty as I presumed teachers would be able to pick up on this?

We've just been told they did a test and he has the reading age of 8!

AIBU to think the vast majority of his behavioural problems are probably down to the fact he most likely has a learning difficulty and that school should have been on this a lot sooner?

OP posts:
Waitingonasmiley42 · 14/09/2018 18:41

How is his behaviour at home and at any clubs/hobbies?

EricTheGuineaPig · 14/09/2018 18:42

I don't wish to be mean but didn't YOU notice he had a learning difficulty? Surely you realised he had reading age of 8?

MissusGeneHunt · 14/09/2018 18:43

Yes, potentially, as should the primary school...

Glad they've got the test done though - I had to push for DS's, and we're still none the wiser in terms of why he can't transmit information from his head to his hand (i.e., write it down). Reading is fine as are speech and understanding.

Did you ever notice any problems with reading at any stage? Did you highlight any reading issues with either school?

Hope you get it sorted, it may be the root of all the problems.

monkeysox · 14/09/2018 18:43

Yabvvvvvu. Your child is 13 and you've not noticed they have the reading ability of a year 3 child.
School should be aware as most secondaries assess reading age when children start Y7.

SoyDora · 14/09/2018 18:44

Had you not noticed that he was behind with his reading?

Original poster
Marie0 · 14/09/2018 18:45

waiting - his behaviour is bad at home too

missus - yes I highlighted at primary school and he went to catch up sessions so I assumed it was being dealt with

OP posts:
monkeysox · 14/09/2018 18:45

The problem is that you assumed.
Do you read with him

Quartz2208 · 14/09/2018 18:46

OP the sad truth is that getting these things diagnosed and recognised 99% of the time is the parents responsibility

Poloshot · 14/09/2018 18:46

Blame culture. Sort his behaviour out as a parent.

Original poster
Marie0 · 14/09/2018 18:47

monkey - yes I assumed - no I don't think I am at fault. I'm not his teacher

OP posts:
Sisgal · 14/09/2018 18:47

Why is it up to the school to notice? he's your child. I took my son to be assessed as I picked up signs/noticed something wasn't right myself. You have my sympathy..but your annoyance at the school is very misplaced

monkeysox · 14/09/2018 18:48

I agree that your anger is misplaced. You have failed your child.

JuiceBoxMonster · 14/09/2018 18:51

You spend much more time with your son than his teachers do and you don't have to deal with 30 other children at the same time.

If you didn't notice, what chance have they got?

Fiveletters · 14/09/2018 18:51

You’re his mum!

Anasnake · 14/09/2018 18:52

'I don't think I'm at fault. I'm not his teacher.'

You're his parent, what are you doing? How much reading have you done with him ? School are testing him and have put him on a more accommodating timetable. Start looking at your own part in this.

ilovesooty · 14/09/2018 18:52

It doesn't sound as though you've taken any proactive steps to read with your son at home. Sitting back passively and expecting the school to take all the responsibility evidently hasn't had the desired effect.

Wolfiefan · 14/09/2018 18:55

His bad behaviour is because he “most likely has a learning difficulty”?
But he behaves badly at home too?
So it can’t be down to him finding work hard.
He’s playing up. They have to think of the other 29 students in the class. They can’t stop teaching eneryone else because your child is playing up.

Waitingonasmiley42 · 14/09/2018 18:55

If his behaviour is also bad at home then I don’t think you can entirely blame the school for anything. It’s just as likely he has such a low reading age because he has spent years not engaging in his education.

planetclom · 14/09/2018 18:56

I used to think this until both my sons got diagnosed with autism and when they got the diagnosis all I ever got after was well we don't get any training in special needs but dispute this they spent years telling me there were no problems.

And no why should a parent know a child has reading age of 8 I have no idea what a reading age of 8 is why should she. My son could read but his reading age was 8 for years now it's 15. 8 and he is 13.1

starcrossedseahorse · 14/09/2018 18:56

How much do you/have you read with him? If he does not read at home ever, he will definitely struggle at school.

There may be no SEN involved here, he might just be behind due to not enough reading at home plus being out of class more than he is in due to his poor behaviour.

Twotailed · 14/09/2018 18:57

I am also a bit surprised that you weren’t aware his reading is so poor. Do / did you read with him at home? Or check his homework?

This is probably a contributing factor so hopefully now that you know you can work on solving the problem. But I think it will take you being more involved as well, so you aren’t missing the signs. Have you looked for online resources to help you support him?

HavelockVetinari · 14/09/2018 19:00

Don't you read with him at all? Confused

Jane1727 · 14/09/2018 19:02

monkey - yes I assumed - no I don't think I am at fault. I'm not his teacher

Surely as a parent your child's education is your responsibility. Yes, the school and his teachers play their part to educate but in my opinion ultimately you as a parent are responsible for your child's education.

EricTheGuineaPig · 14/09/2018 19:02

Honestly, I think you've all dropped a bollock here. Someone should have noticed that there was something going on for your son that went beyond poor behaviour. The blame game won't help him anyway. They've done the test, you know there are some issues so now you need to focus on how best to help him.

WilburIsSomePig · 14/09/2018 19:08

monkey - yes I assumed - no I don't think I am at fault. I'm not his teacher

Are you for real? He's 13 and YOU didn't realise his reading is so weak. How could you not know? When was the last time you read with him, or do you absolve yourself of all responsibility when it comes to your child?

What test did they do? If it was a Star Reading test, it will certainly not be appropriate to diagnose a learning disability. Schools do not diagnose, they assess to a degree. You don't seem to have a bloody clue about your own son and seem to think that the teachers should be bringing him up and not you. Absolutely shameful.