to think the school are at fault?

[Marie0]

My DS 13 (year 9) has really bad behavioural problems.

He's in a vicious cycle in school. He doesn't learn anything due to him being sent out class due to his behaviour and then when he doesn't understand his work he starts to misbehave again due to frustration of not understanding.

He hates most of his teachers as they don't have the time of day for him and are seemingly waiting for him to make a wrong move to send him out. As a result school have put him on a different time table to his friends so he attends lessons with teachers he gets along with who will 'tolerate' him and hopefully he will learn something.

We regularly meet with his head of year (once a term) and the content of the meetings are just about his behaviour. (Disrespectful, truancy no motivation). It didn't really occur to me that there may be a learning difficulty as I presumed teachers would be able to pick up on this?

We've just been told they did a test and he has the reading age of 8!

AIBU to think the vast majority of his behavioural problems are probably down to the fact he most likely has a learning difficulty and that school should have been on this a lot sooner?

It sounds like you're the problem.

I agree yes they should have picked it up but it appears that just containing him in lessons was their priority. That's the first step, so finding out his reading/learning difficulties probably came 2nd.
As parents though it's up to us to pick things up and push for assessment. Schools aren't a child minding service where we dump them and wash our hands, then blame them. So you are being somewhat unreasonable in blaming them whilst not accepting that you had the responsibility too of picking it up

You’d be better off putting your energy towards working with the school and your son about how to improve his literacy than trying to lay blame.

AIBU to think the vast majority of his behavioural problems are probably down to the fact he most likely has a learning difficulty and that school should have been on this a lot sooner?

Yes. Having difficulty reading does not result in behavioural problems. Most children who have additional needs are lovely students. Similarly, poor reading skills and poor behaviour doesn't automatically mean a child has a specific SEN- sadly poor parenting is a common cause.

Difficulty accessing the work might make him frustrated, but I assume you aren't making him read at home? Yet he is still poorly behaved there.

It sounds more like his behaviour had inhibited his learning and makes it difficult to tell whether there is something else going on.

And no why should a parent know a child has reading age of 8 I have no idea what a reading age of 8 is why should she.

I would know if my child was only able to read words at a primary level at age 13. I think most parents would.

School are not there to bring up your child. That's your job. When I worked in schools it was very obvious which parents spent time with their kids at home and which ones didn't.

YABVU

I think there is fault on all sides here tbh.

As a secondary school teacher (who doesn't teach English or even an essay based subject) I would certainly notice if a child as not at age related expectations. Already with my new classes I know exactly which children struggle with what and I put things in place. If necessary, I refer to the SEN team for further investigation. So yes, someone at school should have noticed.

Equally though, you as a parent have a responsibility to be involved in your child's education. Did you read with him when he was at primary? Do you/did you look at his homework/school books? I have a child of my own and would notice if he didn't seem to progress or struggled.

With the behaviour, as a teacher, I am prepared to put in as much support as I can to ensure that a child can access lessons and activities. I will endeavour to use as many of my positive behaviour management strategies as possible to keep a child in class. However, if all that fails and the child is very disruptive, I have to send them out so that they don't disrupt the learning of every other child in the class.

I would suggest a meeting with the school SENCo to discuss looking into your son's needs. Can you afford a tutor once a week for English to give him some intensive help?

You are at fault. You are his parent. His education is your responsibility. This includes the choice of school. He is in a school that isn't meeting his needs because you put him there. You haven't done anything to address his academic difficulties beyond telling the school to do so (you haven't even checked up on whether the did). Again, instead of dealing with his behavioural problems your are trying to make someone else responsible. The buck ends with you I am afraid.

Sounds like the fault primarily lies at home.

when did his difficulties start? before school age or did they develop during primary school? do you have other children or is he your only child (ie did you have a basis of comparison with your other children) Has he been diagnosed as dyslexia or adhd? has he ever been assessed by SENCO as having other special needs? (op my questions are not blaming you they are genuine queries)

Ridiculous
Take some responsibility

I'm afraid you absolutely have to accept partial blame for this. You as a parent should be paying more attention to his learning and development. With growing strain on schools and teachers and such huge class sizes they absolutely need to additional support of help at home and you have neglected to show an interest in his learning, simply leaving it to be the school's problem

If he’s not reading at home and he’s barely in lessons to read at school, how is it a surprise that his reading age is so low?

You are absolutely right OP you are not his teacher. You're his blinking Mum who has a responsibility for making sure he is raised with the skills he needs to function amongst his peers. How on earth you could not notice this when you read with him is beyond me, unless you're not doing that? I'm sorry OP but you are not doing your child any favours by looking to blame and/or excuse their behaviour.

PumpkinPie2016 thanks for giving the OP a balanced and constructive reply.

Whatever the reason for his low reading level (which you should have picked up on years ago), his behaviour is your responsibility.

How do you think teachers feel when confronted with children who have bad behaviour and inept parents? No wonder they are leaving the profession in droves.

Your son needs a positive educational experience at home and at school. Currently his behaviour is letting him down in both arenas. I think you would do well to consider working with the school on an education and behaviour plan. Ask for a senco to assess for a learning disability. His reading age may however be due to poor behaviour. That’s a reality you have to prepare yourself for. Start reading with him daily.

What kinds of thing is he interested in?

to other mumsnet we don't know background of op or dc - from experience & observation of other parents with dc with educational, mental, asd, learning or behavioural difficulties it is always easier to blame parents - not all parents have the resources (educational or social) to understand how to help their dc & schools may not have the resources to explain or support parents into helping their children especially if they don't themselves understand what causes the issues in the first place.

Ok, this is all a bit snipey. There is no point blaming OP wondering how she's managed to miss this. She has. So it can't be that glaringly obvious to her or the teachers, despite these new test results.

Did the school not give you any indications at parent's evenings? What prompted the test now? What has been the discussion when he's continually not been able to do his classwork?

Somethings gone wrong here, which is not your fault OP, but in the same breath, why have you let it slide so long? If this is an ongoing issue, why have you not been probing into the what's and why's?

In the nicest possible sense, could the issue be that his behavioural issues (which could be due to SEN?) be responsible for his low reading age? Rather than the low reading age be the cause of the behaviour problems?

Gosh you're getting a rough ride OP. I don't know what a "reading age of 8" is. My daughter is 7, she can read fine - she doesn't struggle at all. How would I know that a 13yo is supposed to read better than this? How would I judge it? Surely above 8 it's not about actually being able to sound out words on a page and I'd certainly expect a school to flag with me if she wasn't reaching age related expectations. And of course there's a correlation between poor behaviour and struggling at school - that's not saying learning difficulties would always lead to poor behaviour. But undiagnosed learning difficulties that lead to struggling without support might well.

Oh poor kid. What's happening next? Is he having an assessment with an educational psychologist? Are they doing a dyslexia screening? I agree with you, OP, that this seems like a vicious cycle and will need some professional support to sort out.

I'm not surprised OP hasn't returned for a while, these replies are awful... 'you have failed your child' - seriously?

Really horrible, some of you should be ashamed.

Why is it up to the school to notice? he's your child.

Well, if it were me, because:-

1. I have zero other 8-year-olds to compare him with, everyone at the school has experience of hundreds
2. It's literally 100% the schools job to,

a) teach him read b) perform quality control on a)

Of course it's nice when parents are able and willing to help, but it shouldn't be ever be necessary. Because lots of parents are both able and willing.

YOu say you're not his teacher and therefore aren't responsible for his learning?

Then it could be argued that his teachers aren't his parent and aren't responsible for his behaviour.

Let me assure you, if he is being sent out of lessons due to his behaviour, his behaviour is truly foul. Your kid hits the beginning of GCSEs next year and if he won't engage, he's going to get left in the holding pens to wait it out until he can take a level 1 vocational course at 16 - IF he manages to not get expelled.

Contact the school and ask for more communication from them. Strip his room and take his tech and make him earn it back. You basically have until July to sort him out, because you're right you know, you're NOT his teacher. You're his PARENT.

are not both able and willing