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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to think the school are at fault?

179 replies

Marie0 · 14/09/2018 18:39

My DS 13 (year 9) has really bad behavioural problems.

He's in a vicious cycle in school. He doesn't learn anything due to him being sent out class due to his behaviour and then when he doesn't understand his work he starts to misbehave again due to frustration of not understanding.

He hates most of his teachers as they don't have the time of day for him and are seemingly waiting for him to make a wrong move to send him out. As a result school have put him on a different time table to his friends so he attends lessons with teachers he gets along with who will 'tolerate' him and hopefully he will learn something.

We regularly meet with his head of year (once a term) and the content of the meetings are just about his behaviour. (Disrespectful, truancy no motivation). It didn't really occur to me that there may be a learning difficulty as I presumed teachers would be able to pick up on this?

We've just been told they did a test and he has the reading age of 8!

AIBU to think the vast majority of his behavioural problems are probably down to the fact he most likely has a learning difficulty and that school should have been on this a lot sooner?

OP posts:
cantkeepawayforever · 15/09/2018 13:49

he's basically functionally illiterate

Tbh, that's not true. As someone said earlier, though i don't know the source of the statistic, the average reading age in the UK is 9. Tabloid newspapers require a reading age / reading ability roughly equating to the old level 3 - the reading and comprehension ability of a good 7 year old or an average 8/9 year old.

Are all tabloid readers genuinely functionally illiterate? I would say not. If you regularly hear 8 year olds read, it is about fluency, and about the comprehension of more complex vocabulary / understanding of nuance. An 8 year old can read Famous Five books easily, but would have to stop and sound out lots of words in the Hobbit, for example. A genuine 8 year old might not understand certain concepts that they could read the word for ('rape', for example), but an adult who had that in their spoken vocabulary and understanding would be able to read it easily.

So someone with a reading age of 8 might miss nuance, might not read rapidly and fluently if the text is of a higher difficulty, might have to stop and decode complex words frequently, and might find specific unfamiliar types of word - legal language, scientific vocabulary - challenging. However they would not be functionally illiterate, as they would read most common words in most common contexts well.

Lizzie48 · 15/09/2018 13:57

I have 2 adopted DDs, DD1 is 9 and struggles to keep up due to SEN. In her case, it's numeracy she struggles with; she's slightly behind with reading but not noticeably so. The difficulty for us in helping her is that she has a tendency to refuse to engage, because she believes she can't do it. Thankfully, her behaviour is good in school (though not at home), so she stays in the classroom, just remains 2 years behind in numeracy.

Parents are mostly not trained teachers, and it's hard to know how to help. Having said that, we've pushed hard for DD1 to have the help she needs, and we've finally managed to get it for her attachment issues connected to her adoption. It remains to be seen whether it helps with the learning.

I have to say, though, that it's hard to believe that the OP wasn't made aware of her DS having a low reading age. We've been aware of DD1's difficulties since she was in year 1, because we've been to every parents' evening and have asked for extra meetings to discuss them. It does appear that she hasn't been all that proactive.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 14:08

I'd have considered a reading ability of eight as functionally illiterate and as such lacking the skills required in every day life. However I'm wrong. An average reading age of nine in the U.K. is shocking, and I could see why a parent who personally has the reading age of nine wouldn't spot the issue With their child.

With that statistic, it would mean more responsibility on the school, as they do have to then assume the parent may be equally incapable.

TittyGolightly · 15/09/2018 14:09

The OP clearly is capable though. (See their other threads.)

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 14:16

Sorry, that was a a general statement And not aimed at the op. I've no clue of her reading age, but I'd have assumed a competent adult reader would be able to spot if their own child's reading has not progressed over a number of years.

Sarahandduck18 · 15/09/2018 14:26

Not surprising the ops not come back

seven201 · 15/09/2018 15:14

Yabvu. Take some ownership of your child and parent them. Sorry for being so harsh. I hope your son gets the help he needs. Start fighting for him and helping him.

RangeRider · 15/09/2018 18:03

OP has started a thread about DS having suspected ADHD on the Teenagers board.... No mention of his reading skills.

Wolfiefan · 15/09/2018 18:21

Or the fact he’s a PITA at home either.

TittyGolightly · 15/09/2018 18:24

Not so much a drip feed as a splattergun!

Thatssomebadhatharry · 15/09/2018 18:28

This does scream DM journo but I’ll give you the benefit of the doubt.

Ffs you are blaming teachers for YOUR bad parenting. You failed your child. You!

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 15/09/2018 18:48

Telling a Mum who feels desperate that she has failed her child. Nice.

I despair of this place sometimes.

Thank god the teachers in my family understand parents who are anxious and worried and don’t immediately judge them,

Some of you are horrible people.

Bombardier25966 · 15/09/2018 18:59

She calls her son vile, and wonders why he acts out.

The family do need help, but that's not going to do any good until she acknowledges the bigger picture.

It's a sad situation all round.

DisneyMillie · 15/09/2018 19:08

I think OP should have noticed but then I also think school should have highlighted it much earlier. My dd’s school gives us her reading age annually as part of her year end report which means it would have been obvious as soon as he stopped progressing.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 19:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

abbsisspartacus · 15/09/2018 19:14

I've flagged up issues with my son with the school they told me he is fine and I just need to toughen up as I was a weak parent I was literally physically dragging him to school five days a week, weak my arse! My youngest has been at the same school since he was two I knew he was delayed I just took him to salt outside of school didn't mention a thing to the school almost four years later they have finally admitted he has an issue they might need to get him assessed if I don't mind? Sometimes schools like to find shit out for themselves

CherryPavlova · 15/09/2018 19:17

Blame is rarely helpful. The child has been failed all round by both parents and from what is said, schools. But.....we don’t have the primary schools perspective, do we? It’s entirely possible they tried to address poor behaviour, poor performance and got nowhere.
I find it very difficult to believe a parent regularly reading with their child, filing in reading logs, talking to other parents and attending parents evening hasn’t realised there is a problem until year 7. You don’t need a degree in primary education to realise your child is struggling.

You need to sort a plan pretty quickly and support the school in addressing both behaviour and underachievement.

1981fishgut · 15/09/2018 19:25

Marie0

monkey - yes I assumed - no I don't think I am at fault. I'm not his teacher
Confused

we our our children first teachers and the fact you are unaware of this means you are the issue my daughter has SN she is 5 just started school I knew before she started she would have issues with read spelling and numbers because I do all these things with her

SemperIdem · 15/09/2018 19:50

Blunt

I’m astonished by that. At 7 my reading age was 14. The idea that the reading age of 9 is the average across NT adults is horrifying.

NC11 · 15/09/2018 20:23

OK OP now you have vented about who is to blame. What are you going to do with your child to improve his reading to support him?

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 20:24

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bluntness100 · 15/09/2018 20:44

SemperIdem,agree, I'm shocked too. I thought the poster who mentioned it must be wrong so googled it to confirm, and it is indeed nine years old.

So i think based on this sad statistic then schools need to accept the average parent cannot help their child past the age of nine. At that age they are no more capable than their child. As shocking as that is. So if we want kids to progress past this stage, then schools need to make that happen and assume the parent can't.

Lizzie48 · 15/09/2018 20:53

Sadly I really do believe it. I remember spending a month in lodgings whilst doing my training in EFL (English as a Foreign Language). The landlady didn't possess a single book in the house. I couldn't understand it, being a bookworm myself with too many books, but in view of this research it's not at all surprising.

ChiaraRimini · 15/09/2018 21:10

To all-there's no need to pile on OP and say she has failed him, you don't know the full story.
OP you are completely right that he will be struggling with everything if his reading is so far behind! You need to push the school to find out what they can offer to help him catch up. If he has not had any extra help until now that seems wrong. Did he pass his SATs at end of primary school? Id be thinking about moving schools before GCSEs to somewhere that can support him better TBH.

ineedtostopbeingsolazy · 15/09/2018 22:27

There really are some arseholes on this thread