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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Losing a friend over a wedding

92 replies

Fili96 · 14/09/2018 16:41

I recently ended up ending my friendship with my best friend of three years, ultimately due to her wedding, which is planned for August 2019. I was asked to be a bridesmaid and told she wasn’t having a maid of honour which is fine, I had no problem with this as I was happy just to be there and involved.
The whole drama started in a group chat where I said I was going to do a speech and she told me that I’d been pretty shy, hadn’t been interested in planning the wedding with her and that I had no interest in meeting her fiancés family.
I sent her a text trying to find out what was wrong and was hit with 7 long messages of things I had done ‘wrong.’
At the engagement party I transported balloons and also spent over 30 minutes setting up a balloon arch which was left to the last minute as her fiancé had failed to set up the marquee until an hour or two before the event started. I sat with ex work mates, one of which is also a bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid spent the night inside interacting with only a handful of people. She knows I’m an introvert and not comfortable nor have any desire to seek out and interact with people, though I did have a small conversation with the few people she introduced me to, because I wanted to make her happy.

The next morning we had to go back to get the car and she was mad at me for sitting down and talking to the few people there instead of helping her mother clean up after her party, even though she sat down the entire time to eat. I feel like this was a horrible thing to expect as my own personal opinion is you wouldn’t expect your friends to completely set up and clean up your party when you easily could do it, it just came down to poor planning and over catering.
We’ve been talking about her wedding for well over 2 years, well before she even got engaged. I’ve oohed and Ahhed and looked at so many things with her but apparently I wasn’t interested or excited enough for her, so much so that despite my attempts to go dress shopping with her, I wasn’t invited.
She even tried to have a go at me for not being there for the passing of her family cat, even though she never told me about it and I only found out two days later via social media.
We haven’t spoken nearly as much as we used to over the last few months, we’ve both been very busy with work and life in general, though she did try to tell me she speaks to the other bridesmaids more than me though I remember a time before she asked them where they didn’t speak to her for weeks and months at a time.

I said to her that our friendship was between us, not between her fiancés friends and family and that while I can be polite, have a conversation and get along with everyone for her wedding, I wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone beyond that, but apparently I’m a horrible person for wanting privacy and being myself?
After we decided to end our friendship, she asked for the bridesmaid box she had gifted me back and asked that I return it undamaged, needless to say I was gobsmacked by that, I couldn’t believe her cheek.
Don’t get me wrong, I was excited for her wedding, but with it being a year away and Talking about the wedding non stop it starts to wear you down, she really changed in the first few months she got engaged and I’m so heartbroken that this is how things ended.

Has anyone else been through something similar with a bridezilla? Or was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
EK36 · 15/09/2018 08:48

Im sorry you've been treated this way. She sounds very controlling! Very lucky escape for you though. Agree with the others- return the box, which I know you have already. But keep the top as you paid for it. Is there any chance you could exchange the top for something else? This top will remind you of your ex friend. Exchanging it would be a symbolic two fingers up to her! Keep yourself busy and distracted to forget about her. I don't think she was a very nice friend to you, she used up huge chunks of your time and energy but gave you nothing in return. In a couple of years she will contact you, when she needs a friend. I would avoid her at all costs. You should not allow yourself to be used.

toomuchtooold · 15/09/2018 09:04

Bloody hell, does she know what a wedding actually is? Has she mixed it up with a coronation?

ChasedByBees · 15/09/2018 09:17

I would take the top back to the shop or eBay it. She doesn’t get to demand something you paid for (in fact she doesn’t get to demand a gift back but there you go)

ChishandFips33 · 15/09/2018 09:25

Gersemi
Reading a fair few of these threads, it appears a chunk of them get divorced or have affairs.

Grin

ChishandFips33 · 15/09/2018 09:25

Bold fail!
Gersemi
Reading a fair few of these threads, it appears a chunk of them get divorced or have affairs.

CoolGirlsNeverGetAngry · 15/09/2018 09:45

Sounds like a lucky escape. I’ll wager this isn’t the last you’ll hear from her though...

MLTS · 15/09/2018 09:49

She sounds completely self obsessed and expects the world to revolve around her. My bridesmaids had 2 jobs:

  1. Organise a hen party
  2. Show up for the wedding
CigarsofthePharoahs · 15/09/2018 10:05

Just think op, you've now got a year free of this madness.
I wonder how many other bridesmaids she'll hire and fire in the meantime.

jaynelovesagathachristie · 15/09/2018 10:28

mlts those were my jobs at my friends. I did some running around to get people where they should be but I wanted to help. She sounds crackers best without her.

Birdsgottafly · 15/09/2018 10:31

""I have kept the top, not sure what I’ll do with it and I’m probably being a little petty but I don’t want to give it to her for it to go to someone else""

That is incrediblely petty and it sounds as though you want more drama.

The engagement party is her party to host (or her Parent's if offered by them), so strictly speaking you are under no obligation to help. But if you are her best friend then you should have pitched in.

You've got a strange attitude about not wanting to know her future Husband, or even try with her wider-to-be-family. My DD has Friends with ASD and Autism etc and they have felt the need to get to know her Partner (and Father of her children).

Why would you want the Bridesmaid box?

There seems to be stuff going wrong from both sides and perhaps you've just grown apart and are now different people.

GorgeousGus · 15/09/2018 10:38

Yikes! She sounds utterly foul. I bet she’s missing her scivvy and scapegoat now you’re not around.

Flowers for you. You are very well shot of her. Massive bridezilla. She may come to her senses and realise what an idiot she’s being, but it doesn’t matter. I’d want nothing more to do with her after her treatment of you.

mostdays · 15/09/2018 10:42

Birdsgottafly you're the bride, right?

Cornishclio · 15/09/2018 10:43

Sounds like you have had a lucky escape. Bizarre she should be expecting you to help clear up after engagement party especially as she wasn't doing anything to help either. Bridesmaid boxes and special tops? Not sure I understand the reason for the top. Is this for the bridesmaid dress? Why do people go so overboard for one day? Maybe some of these bridezillas need reminding it is the marriage which needs a lot of effort so going overboard for the wedding seems ridiculous. Anyway she sounds like hard work so you are well rid of her.

smurfy2015 · 15/09/2018 10:48

Just as a wondering and bear with me if you had sent the top back to her (even though it was yours as you paid for it) and the personalised bridesmaid box, was she going to try and recruit another bridesmaid of the same first name as yourself and also the same size on top.

I'm going to wonder about that for the rest of the day.

I'm also going to secretly curse you for not being there when her cat died, you should have known without being told and been there to hold her hand and organise a wake for the cat with all family and her fiance and others of her choosing. Setting up the marquee for the cats family to come and see the cat lying in state before burial and made all the phone calls to everyone she ever met to come to "see the cat off" in your bridesmaid box.

You have dodged a shower of bullets. Wine You deserve a stiff drink

Rhondacross · 15/09/2018 12:58

Aha! The bridezilla joins the thread Grin

Gersemi · 15/09/2018 17:56

The engagement party is her party to host (or her Parent's if offered by them), so strictly speaking you are under no obligation to help. But if you are her best friend then you should have pitched in.

Why? I would never expect any guest to "pitch in" no matter how much of a good friend they are. Part of hosting is that all you want from your guests is that they enjoy themselves.

Sparklyfee · 15/09/2018 18:56

You are well out of it. I don't know what happens to some people when they are planning their BIG day but it's scary to watch!

And then people pop up saying their bridesmaids only had to do X, Y and Z. If you were the bride you have no idea how you might've made them feel. Only the bridesmaid can tell us that!

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