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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Losing a friend over a wedding

92 replies

Fili96 · 14/09/2018 16:41

I recently ended up ending my friendship with my best friend of three years, ultimately due to her wedding, which is planned for August 2019. I was asked to be a bridesmaid and told she wasn’t having a maid of honour which is fine, I had no problem with this as I was happy just to be there and involved.
The whole drama started in a group chat where I said I was going to do a speech and she told me that I’d been pretty shy, hadn’t been interested in planning the wedding with her and that I had no interest in meeting her fiancés family.
I sent her a text trying to find out what was wrong and was hit with 7 long messages of things I had done ‘wrong.’
At the engagement party I transported balloons and also spent over 30 minutes setting up a balloon arch which was left to the last minute as her fiancé had failed to set up the marquee until an hour or two before the event started. I sat with ex work mates, one of which is also a bridesmaid. Another bridesmaid spent the night inside interacting with only a handful of people. She knows I’m an introvert and not comfortable nor have any desire to seek out and interact with people, though I did have a small conversation with the few people she introduced me to, because I wanted to make her happy.

The next morning we had to go back to get the car and she was mad at me for sitting down and talking to the few people there instead of helping her mother clean up after her party, even though she sat down the entire time to eat. I feel like this was a horrible thing to expect as my own personal opinion is you wouldn’t expect your friends to completely set up and clean up your party when you easily could do it, it just came down to poor planning and over catering.
We’ve been talking about her wedding for well over 2 years, well before she even got engaged. I’ve oohed and Ahhed and looked at so many things with her but apparently I wasn’t interested or excited enough for her, so much so that despite my attempts to go dress shopping with her, I wasn’t invited.
She even tried to have a go at me for not being there for the passing of her family cat, even though she never told me about it and I only found out two days later via social media.
We haven’t spoken nearly as much as we used to over the last few months, we’ve both been very busy with work and life in general, though she did try to tell me she speaks to the other bridesmaids more than me though I remember a time before she asked them where they didn’t speak to her for weeks and months at a time.

I said to her that our friendship was between us, not between her fiancés friends and family and that while I can be polite, have a conversation and get along with everyone for her wedding, I wasn’t interested in getting to know anyone beyond that, but apparently I’m a horrible person for wanting privacy and being myself?
After we decided to end our friendship, she asked for the bridesmaid box she had gifted me back and asked that I return it undamaged, needless to say I was gobsmacked by that, I couldn’t believe her cheek.
Don’t get me wrong, I was excited for her wedding, but with it being a year away and Talking about the wedding non stop it starts to wear you down, she really changed in the first few months she got engaged and I’m so heartbroken that this is how things ended.

Has anyone else been through something similar with a bridezilla? Or was I in the wrong?

OP posts:
Fili96 · 14/09/2018 18:25

Her mother collected the bridesmaid box a few days ago, the whole thing has just been on repeat in my mind as it really came out of nowhere.
I won’t be doing anything in retaliation, I think she’ll handle that well enough.

OP posts:
Eliza9917 · 14/09/2018 18:32

@AnneLovesGilbert she's probably going to peel the vinyls off and stick a new name on the personalised stuff.

garethsouthgatesmrs · 14/09/2018 18:34

Agree with others all of this will make her cringe and actually ruin the memory of her wedding when she looks back in her forties. What a stupid woman.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe2726 · 14/09/2018 18:40

It seems to me that some of the brides have watched 'Bridesmaids' with a notepad and pen at the ready. Perhaps there was a butterfly in the bridesmaid box and you will hear back from HerRoyalBrideness when she notices that it's escaped?

Agree with all the other PP, you've dodged a bullet - and I hope you didn't give that bridesmaid top back that you paid for?

Andylion · 14/09/2018 18:55

OP, keep the top, you paid for it.

Her mother collected the bridesmaid box a few days ago,

Did her mum have anything to say about this? Was she embarrassed?

Fili96 · 14/09/2018 19:07

I have kept the top, not sure what I’ll do with it and I’m probably being a little petty but I don’t want to give it to her for it to go to someone else, I don’t want it to be disposable like I was.

Andylion her mum was lovely, disappointed I think, she understands as she also had issues with the engagement party and how everything turned out for that.

OP posts:
fishfingersandketchup · 14/09/2018 19:17

Return the box with a little extra gift inside💩

fishfingersandketchup · 14/09/2018 19:17

Oh damn just read you've already returned it. Maybe just send a little something in the post Grin

Andylion · 14/09/2018 20:15

her mum was lovely, disappointed I think

I wonder if her mum has tried to talk some sense into her.

I agree with the others who say that you have dodged a bullet, OP. The wedding is a year away and she is already behaving like this. Imagine her behaviour next spring? Shock

ChishandFips33 · 14/09/2018 22:50

Either keep the top and cut it up for closure or give it back - once she's paid you in full for it

New bridesmaid will need your name and be your size God help the new bridesmaid

ChishandFips33 · 14/09/2018 22:51

Come to think of it, what's her future husband like?? Long suffering or match made in heaven?

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/09/2018 00:07

Keep the top. You paid for it and for her to expect it to be given to her is just cheeky. She can of course buy it from you but she will have to ensure your doppelganger is the same size (as well as name).
Sad as it may be, you are better off out of it all. Lord knows what she will be like as time goes on and the date gets closer.

Jamiefraserskilt · 15/09/2018 00:12

Ooo. Imagine the hen. One week in marbella villa, all expenses paid by the bridesmaids, special matching outfits (designer, of course), personal chef, spa treatments and chauffeur. Don't forget the big contribution towards the honeymoon request in a pa poem, followed by the big screen showing of wedding photos with nibbles and prosecco that someone else pays for, sets up, clears up etc....

Izzygrey · 15/09/2018 05:59

I had a similar friend OP ... She arranged bridesmaids meets up and went MENTAL if anyone mentioned a single thing that wasn't to do with the wedding at one of the meet ups or even in the group chat - we literally weren't allowed to talk about anything other than her or the wedding, even in passing. She was furious for me because she was unemployed but I wasn't, and didn't take days off work to go and sit at her house doing things like glueing string around a glass jar for her "rustic" theme (I said I'd happily do it right after work or at weekends but she had set a day for it and didn't think she should have to compromise or change her plans for anyone as it was HER wedding). She was so inflexible and literally wanted everyone to stop their lives to plan her wedding. She had one other bridesmaid who had recently been fired who had the time to spend doing her wedding tasks any day she demanded, this girl quickly became her best friend while the rest of us were all told off and criticised by the two of them constantly for not being dedicated enough to the wedding (we went to work, and wouldn't sleep over at her house to get the maximum amount of jobs done because we have husbands and children). She was like a dictator at her hen night - we went to one of those outdoor activity centres where she immediately had a tantrum because we didn't gather around and clap for her after she had completed one of the tasks (as bride to be apparently we should have done this for her). And she banned anyone from going for a night out after her wedding (a few people had discussed going out for a few drinks afterwards as we would be with people we hadn't seen for ages) but she totally refused to allow anyone to as she said people would think her wedding hadn't been fun enough if others went out afterwards! Our friendship fizzled out after the wedding as for some reason she didn't get any easier after it, like we had hoped - she stayed a permanent bridezilla! We haven't spoke now for about 10 years and honestly it's been lovely and peaceful.

Clionba · 15/09/2018 06:57

This is one of the best /worst ones yet. A bridesmaid's box. Yer something else that costs money, adds stress and isn't worth it. fishfingersandketchup I love you!! GrinGrin

AnalUnicorn · 15/09/2018 07:03

she immediately had a tantrum because we didn't gather around and clap for her after she had completed one of the tasks

WTF ? Who over the age of 5 would even expect that ?

Clionba · 15/09/2018 07:08

I swear to god, weddings turn some women insane.

overnightangel · 15/09/2018 07:17

She sounds mad

ZoeWashburne · 15/09/2018 07:31

I'm so sorry you had to go through this.

I am so sick of this "Its your wedding do whatever you want" mentality. Because it just gives people a license to be mean, rude, and a downright bad host. Just because you are getting married doesn't give you permission to be a shitty friend.

Gersemi · 15/09/2018 07:57

What on earth do bridezillas do once the wedding is over and the entire focus of their lives for the last three years has gone? Sure, there's possibly the first baby, baby showers, gender reveal crap etc - but you've got to go through all the discomforts of pregnancy and labour, and once the baby is there the focus shifts to the baby and you're the one being puked up on and sitting up with a crying baby all night. How do they cope?

Mummyoflittledragon · 15/09/2018 08:04

Gersemi
Reading a fair few of these threads, it appears a chunk of them get divorced or have affairs.

Emmeline50 · 15/09/2018 08:13

I wonder if the other bridesmaids are jealous that you have been set free Wink

Hulashaker · 15/09/2018 08:25

Why on earth would she feel it reasonable to ask for you to 'return' a tip which she never paid for and therefore never owned - that is completely out of order.

I am sorry you went through this it sounds awful for you

Clionba · 15/09/2018 08:44

You should start a movement to liberate bridesmaids. Bridesmaids of the world, unite! You have nothing to lose but your polyester ruffles and warm prosecco!

BolleauxtoBankers · 15/09/2018 08:46

Return the top to the shop and get a refund? Or is it worn already? (I'm not following this, but then my own wedding was a long time ago and there were no bridesmaids and I had a hen-night I had clearly said I didn't want, forced upon me arranged behind my back by my mother who meant well but didn't invite everyone who should have been there, if I had been organising it myself!)

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