Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

My dh is a perpetually late person. The reasons are -

1. His internal body clock that estimates how long time is is very poor, eg he thinks 20 minutes of time passing is about 5 minutes so he doesn't realise he's had a 15 minute shower rather than a 5 minute shower.

1. He always goes on best case scenario. Eg he knows that you can walk to the train station in 15 mins but that involves power walking, and he doesn't want to power walk so it's another 10 minutes. He never allows extra time for traffic / transport delays.

1. Ultimately he doesn't think the above matters very much. He could employ strategies to help him be more punctual but doesn't. It is hereditary I think as his mother is the same.

I have become a more late person since dc just because I haven't quite got our routine down yet and I guess still can't quite believe that I need to leave an extra 30 mins before I can leave the house (my dc are v young). But I am naturally an on time person so it causes me anxiety each time.

But it is a big bone of contention in my relationship with dh, made worse by dc. I feel like I have another child to make sure gets ready on time when all together and obviously I get zero help in getting dc ready too as he's too busy getting himself ready.

If my friend was only ever half 15 minutes late, I'd be delighted. I've started telling her that things are an hour earlier.

I always think that despite all the articulate explanations about why they're always late, if they needed to be somewhere at a certain time to be given a million quid, or to meet their film star/supermodel crush, the vast majority would manage to be on time.

Which means it's ultimately about priorities and how important you and your time are to them.

If I hear a tinkly laugh, there’ll be a very clear Mumsnet ‘did you mean to be so rude?’. Potentially a head-tilt as well.

🙄

So I’m always late. Partly because I’m disorganised, partly because I take on more than I can cope with, partly underestimating journey times etc and partly optimism and I think I can pull it out of the bag.
How do I avoid passing it on to my DC?

But what patronising bull shit to just "get over it" when people turn down shifts at work, call in favours for childcare, left themselves a ton of shit to do, gone without to finance it, and spent ages sat on their todd drinking 3 pound coffees, and had to pay for extra time on the parking all so someone can decide that's less important than cleaning out the dog bowl

Exactly This.

I wouldn't be relaxing in the cafe waiting an hour for My late friend. I’d be worrying that the parking would run out or would be ticket be valid on the later train home.

Id wonder how I could make that cup of coffeee last until she arrived and I’d feel self conscious sitting there alone .

That would be another hour I’d have to pay the babysitter - assuming that she would be able to stay an extra hour. Or maybe she would be pissed off with me and refuse to babysit next time.

I’d think of all the things I could have done in that extra hour and how I’d need to fit them in when I got home or perhaps get up early the next morning .

I’d alternate between being worried ( just in case she’d been in an accident ) and angry ( because I know it’s 99% likely that she’s not been in a car accident / taken ill) .

So it’s good to know that my friend is late because she was putting on a face pack, reading the paper, having an extra coffee at home, watching east Enders or picking up some shopping in Tesco.

And that she thinks that I should just chill out and get over my moral superiority . Because it’s just so easy for me with my organisation gene whereas she actually has to try.

That’s it’s ok for me to lay out clothes the night before , check the train times or car journey time, look for a car park near our met up venue, check I’ve got loose change in the car, arrange a babysitter, feed the kids early and get them ready for bed , make a snack for the babysitter then rush out the door with no make up on. Because these things are easy for me.

I notice that some people on this thread say they used to be chronically late but now they use strategies to help them be on time .

You know just like the ones that punctual people use.

Working out what’s needs to be done and adding in all the steps.

Checking out times of unfamiliar steps

Not doing other other unimportant things during that “ getting ready “ time.

Using an app or an Alarm on their phone. How the fuck can a grown man not have the ability to set a 5 min timer on their phone before they step in the shower? Or to time how long a shower takes them and factor that in eg I know it takes me 20 mins for a shower so I’ll allow 20 mins and not 5.

I bet you every single person on this thread has a phone with an alarm, stopwatch and timer function.

If you KNOW that you under estimate how long things take then TIME then on a day when you are not under pressure and WRITE IT DOWN .

Then use these times in your planning and not your fantasy times.

Honestly it’s not rocket science , using a phone and app / pencil and paper .

Extremely punctual person here I’m always 5 minutes early but will wait outside someone’s house so it’s not too annoying . I’m a nurse and discussed this with my colleagues as I’m always out of work on time ( excluding medical emergencies etc ) when some colleagues seem to faff around for ages after shift changeover then Moab about not getting away on time . It’s aboyt time management skills , a few hours before my shift finishes I tie up all the lose ends and plan to be out on time , my colleagues don’t do this till it’s time to leave shift , I think this is the key difference .

Moan not moab

Loose not lose , fat fingers

Like most things I think there's a balance to be struck. If you're regularly keeping people waiting for ages that's shit. If you are always early because you build in massive contingency and can't understand why other people might prefer slightly more flexible arrangements (that would be give and take) that's shit too. Honestly you might think never being late yourself is enough to make you a good friend but if it doesn't come with a dose of tolerance and understanding then it's not. Most people I know are busy and we live in London where journey times can be unpredictable. Most people I know are happy their friends have travelled to meet them and appreciate a bit of give and take, rather than expected everyone to leave a five hour window for coffee every time. Perhaps I've naturally filtered out those who are very punctual and judgmental with it but I can't say I've noticed their loss if so.

@jassyradlett.... typically those without a point to prove feel that giving their answer just the once is enough...perhaps twice...but your monologues on a topic that apparently you aren't really invested in have provided much entertainment.

Honey, they’re not monologues if someone keeps responding.

People post in all different ways on mumsnet. Some dip in once, some participate in threads in an ongoing way. There aren’t plenty of people on this thread who’ve made their points repeatedly and posted as often as I have - I wonder why you’re focusing on me? Is it because I haven’t endorsed your opinion?

However, me suggesting that you might be taking a slightly rigid and overly simplistic view of this seems to bring out some hostility in you for whatever reason - not interested in doing that, so I’ll leave you to simmer in self-righteous indignation about how it’s all about you. Have a lovely day.

A tip from the HV when DD was in nursery class:

Baby DS2 only needed to be fed and put in a snowsuit, so I didn't need to wake him up until 7. I may have carried this on into toddlerhood.

My husband is always late. It is 100% due to over optimism. He always assumes traffic will be ok, bus will come etc. Never assumed the worst. Calls me a pessimist if I try to build in contingency time.
As a compromise we plan journeys to get 90% of the way to our destination then have a coffee or breakfast if there’s time spare.

feedmecoffee your DH gets up at 6.45 to leave for 7?! DH gets up at 5 to leave for 6.30. Your DH is crazy.

mummmy I take it you give her a lift? Thank goodness, we live within walking distance from school, so if DD 11 isn't ready I just go with DS 7. She can explain to her teacher why she's late. She usually leaves just before us though.

Getting up at 5 every day is also crazy though. Given the deleterious effect poor sleep can have on relationships, work, family life it's not surprising people place a premium on a few extra zzzzs. I think that's what you "contingency" fans are forgetting. Contingency is not free, it has consequences on other things that you can do with your day. This might be a pay off worth paying in certain cases but in other cases it might lead you to say "no mum, I can't help you with your tax return on Saturday as I need to leave time to get to X". The comment I made about optimism was not meant to be "look at me aren't I kooky and charming", it was meant to be saying yes I could build more contingency into my day but this wouldn't straightforwardly improve the lives of those around me. I'd be saying no more often, doing less stuff overall. As I said, there's a balance to be struck but most people I know cram a lot of stuff into their days and saying no to work, kids, parents, people demanding more of their time isn't easy. So they'll probably find they say no to meeting up with friends instead. Many on this thread have said they'd prefer that to being let down/kept waiting. I wouldn't personally. I would rather my friends and I still tried to meet up but made allowances for each other. We are all different.

Here's an example for you. On Saturday my son had a sports event and we needed to be there one hour before (by 12.40). Google said it would take 1 hour 31 mins to get there.

We left at 10. We arrived at 12. It took 2 hours because there were hold-ups on the motorway and then we diverted off another motorway and had to divert off the diversion.

Because we'd left that amount of delay time in the schedule, we were still there in plenty of time without having to panic.

It's what you do. You never assume that the roads are clear or trains will be on time or all the traffic lights will be green for pedestrians. Assume at least some delay and you'll probably be on time. Yes we were rather early but the time passed quickly.

Actually, re the toy thing: this morning at 8.10 I said "DS2 get a toy now if you want one, and DD have you got your phone?" "Yes" she replied. At 8.20, she's getting her phone when she should be leaving. She said "I thought you meant have I got it in the house." FFS.

Just don't put up with it. I wouldn't dream of keeping anyone waiting. It's fucking rude!
I will wait a while if someone who is usually on time hasn't turned up, I will know something unexpected has happened but if the person has a history of being late, no chance.

If you have a regularly stonewalling DC, again, surely factoring that in and making it happen that bit earlier will help everyone get out of the house on time?

One of my DC’s has a classmate who’s got a tendancy towards school refusal. It got so bad last year that his parents ended up with a system where one of them was solely responsible for getting school refusing child to school, and the other one took turns with nearby friends and relatives to get the other kids to school.

The child with the school refusing tendencies was late to school more often than not, but at least the parents had worked out a way to get his older siblings there on time every day.

He seems a bit happier with his teacher this year, so hopefully things will get easier for them this year.

For the minority who actually have a learning disability which affects their ability to organise and be on time I would hope that they have relatives/friends who can come to them or help them out with being on time.
The majority of people have just listed feeble excuses as to why their needs should come first. They would be too tired getting up early enough to meet on time, they have too many things to do, if they try to be on time they might be a few minutes early and have to wait which is fine for their friend but not for them etc.
If you can manage to be on time when there is a consequence for being late (ie work/school drop off every single day) then you could reasonably manage to meet a friend on time. Some people are not late for everything. They choose what is important to be on time for and what isn’t - mainly due to whether they will be penalised financially for being late. Some people are selfish fuckers and I’m not sure why people on here are so keen to argue that they don’t exist. People who literally can’t be on time make up a very small percentage of latecomers and I’m sure they would receive mainly a sympathetic response from friends. Most late people though don’t have a disability/mh condition that prevents them being on time. They are just self obsessed arses and their friends are well entitled to be pissed off at being left waiting for hours until they are ready to make an appearance.

longestlurkerever we all get the requisite amount of sleep here, apart from DS2 who habitually wakes up an hour and a half earlier than needed. We just go to bed earlier.

We'll fine, but that's not free either because there will be things you aren't doing with your evenings that you could be. That's not wrong, obviously, but there's not always a straightforward right answer. Surely you can see that?

I think we will just have to accept that some of us would never be friends irl. I never said it was terrible to have to wait around. I said I do it frequently for friends who are shock horror more regularly late than me, and it is fine. I just think it's a more efficient use of everyone's time to allow some flexibility than to pay the opportunity cost of contingency every single time, but obviously if you always late you may wish to look again at the balance you're striking.