Help me understand people who are consistently late

[Namechangemum100]

I'm.meeting a friend today, I have deliberately told her the meet time is 30 minutes earlier than it should be as I know for sure she will be late, she always is.

I am one of those people who is always on time, I get ridiculous anxiety if I'm running late and it's just the way I am, but I find myself constantly waiting around for other people, and I just don't understand it.

If you are the type of person who is always late (15 minutes plus and excluding unavoidable traffic etc ), whats your reasoning? I have some friends who will actually say "oh I'll be late to xyz, you know me"...what does this mean?! How?! You know the time of meeting, why is it so hard? Some people will actually let me know they are "running late" at the actual meet time...how did you not forsee this situation 10-15 minutes ago and give a heads up?!

I'm not trying to be goady, if I understand the reasons why I think I might find it less frustrating.

• holier-than-thou.

I lost my shit with a constantly late person when I organised a weekend camping trip over the summer. I was driving and offered to pick up people enroute. I emphasised how important it was for a quick get away I’m the morning. It was an early start, one to avoid bank holiday weekend traffic and two, to ensure we got a spot at the campsite that was very popular. The last person we had to pick up answered the door in her dressing gown with a piece of toast in her hand and only half packed. “Why don’t you pop in for a cup of tea while I get ready?”. Erm, nope, and I drove off. Cue several snotty texts over the next hour about how unreasonable I was, she simply did not get what was wrong.

I was always early before I had DD. Even though she is 6 now I find it very hard to be on time if I have to take her anywhere. She is very distracting and I find her hard to manage. I have to get myself fully ready in the mornings before I wake her up just in order to be on time for school. If I don’t have to bring her I am usually on time.

I think PPs are being hard on a lot of late people on this thread.

My best friend's like this. l love her to bits, but it drives me mad. She sleeps through umpteen alarms, but then when she's late she 'must' shower, do her hair, and put on more makeup than David Bowie in his Ziggy Stardust days. Even if we're just going to Tesco.
We were doing something yesterday, she texted me Friday night saying she'd be here "well before" the arranged time.... guess what?
Ten minutes late (which is bloody good for her!) and only because her OH had chivvied her along and drove her here. ln full slap with her hair done We were only going to look after pets for a friend who is on holiday!
She's just lovely, such a good friend and l know she has anxiety and won't even answer the door to the postman with no makeup on, but it genuinely frustrates me so much. When l arrive at hers at a specified time, she's sat putting her face on. l could understand it if she had kids but often the excuse is "oh, there were goldfinches in the garden, and l lost track of time watching them!"

l don't think l'm ever gong to win this one.

It'd be interesting to know whether the on time people are better organised in other aspects of their lives. I'm a bit of a disaster zone - always knocking things over, tearing my clothes, forgetting the papers I need for a meeting, locking myself out of the house (which is always a tip). I seem to lack a poise gene.

I just don’t like taking the piss out of other people’s time. I don’t have some special time keeping gene, I just don’t like waiting for others to get their shit together or me making people look like a lemon in a bar or restaurant. There are enough travel apps out there that tell you precisely when you have to leave to be somewhere on time.

Longestlurker - no, I'm not naturally organised in other areas. I really struggle badly to stay on top of work, laundry, housework. Being punctual and keeping household paperwork ticketyboo are the only things like that I am good at.

I'm constantly banging into things and locking myself out longest and I have just realised that I have left my lovely lunchbox at my old work.

@jassyradlett...I'm curious over your heavy investment in this thread, you say you are a more tolerant person than the rest of us early/on timers...but you seem to have absolutely no tolerance over the idea that people might not agree with you. It's a bit of a contradiction.

I'm curious over your heavy investment in this thread, you say you are a more tolerant person than the rest of us early/on timers...but you seem to have absolutely no tolerance over the idea that people might not agree with you. It's a bit of a contradiction.

What an interesting philosophical question? Why does anyone get interested in a mumsnet thread, really? I think you might be overestimating my, er, ‘investment’. It’s a conversation. I’m sharing my point of view.

I’m interested in how stubbornly people cling to their preconceptions, tbh. You’ll notice that I’ve not claimed that none of the people who are habitually late can be as awful as you believe and making calculates decisions about the relative value of your time and theirs. Simply suggesting that there may be different and more complex reasons for why some people find it difficult.

As I said, I used to be like some of you. Seeing another point of view has made my life more pleasant. What’s wrong with trying to spread that? Particularly in answer to a question that you asked.

Barbie222 maybe don’t meet at a bus stop then? People don’t get to insist if you don’t agree!

@jassyradlett thou doth protest too much

I just don't have time to wait around for people like this.

The few times I have come across 'late' people (as in usually more than 15 minutes late) I have just stopped bothering.

I have enough friends who prioritise me (and I them) that I don't need to sit around wasting time for people who don't value me.

I am busy, I work, I study, I have kids, I make time for the people who matter to me and I ensure they don't have to waste any of their precious time waiting for me unnecessarily.

Obviously, shit happens but it becomes pretty clear pretty quickly who just isn't bothered about my time.

It's just who I am. I am really on time, Unless it's my hospital appointments then I'm ridiculously early.

Rarely*

I would say that I'm not very well organised and am certainly not a natural planner, but I am nearly always either on time or more often ahead of time because I value other people's time.

I agree with you. I had nine children, and was never late.for anything. Always started out half an hour early.

Less stress.

@jassyradlett thou doth protest too much

If you say so. Do you always have such difficulty when people answer questions you’ve asked?

I think since the invention of mobile phones people tend to think it's ok to be late once they send a text saying "running late/on the way" etc. Pisses me off if I'm standing waiting somewhere, but at least I've some idea. Also with the invention of phones the person waiting has something to keep them occupied rather than staring into space.
I remember meeting friends 20 years ago and you just did your absolute best to be on time as you knew it would be bad for the person standing there waiting with no idea and nothing to distract them.

@jassyradlett.... typically those without a point to prove feel that giving their answer just the once is enough...perhaps twice...but your monologues on a topic that apparently you aren't really invested in have provided much entertainment.

Super-punctual person here.

I’ve decided (using all that time waiting alone in restaurants, parks, offices, etc) that the breezy run-laters actually can’t be trusted in any other area of life either.

Whether they are late because they prioritise themselves over you (my sister truly believes that ‘I just couldn’t get my hair right’ is a valid reason to be 1.5hrs late), or they are chronically bad time-managers it tells you about who they are. If they are in that much denial, or justify bad behaviour so easily, or are plainly self-entitled then they get to live on the perimeter of my life. Can’t be trusted, can’t return the respect I give them? Ok, I’ll treat you like the bit-part player you are.

I’ve recently explained to my DH how much his crap time-management has eroded my feelings for him. Ironically, it’s his natural optimism that gets him into trouble with punctuality. Instead of checking Google maps for travel time, or going through a mental or written list of tasks he has to do before leaving, his brain just says ‘Everything will be just peachy, no further thought required, parking will be a breeze, oh how I’m looking forward to this event, ooooo leftover chocolate on the bench, yippeeeeeee!’

Then when the inevitable negative consequences of ‘lateness’ kick in- ie grumpy wife, miss first quarter of the event, pissed off hosts, pissed off clients, pissed off boss- DH truly seems to think it was the ‘universe being mean to him’ that caused the lateness. Nothing to do with him. Cue terrible sadness (but no regret or epiphany).

You’ll notice the parallels to the thought process of an excitable 3yo?

@sendintheardwolves

bizarre to see adults saying it like it’s kooky or charming

100% agree. It’s bad enough that someone’s kept you waiting, prioritised themselves over you, etc. We’re also expected to ruffle their hair indulgently and smile at their double-faced attempts to ‘style it out’??? Just apologise like a grown up at the very least, ffs.

I think I’m going to hold a very expression on my face next time this happens. Long pause, in case they need prompting for the apology. If I hear a tinkly laugh, there’ll be a very clear Mumsnet ‘did you mean to be so rude?’. Potentially a head-tilt as well.

But I'm autistic and never late.

For school for example:

I get up at 5.30
Make sure DD's awake at 6.20
Help DS2 get dressed at 6.30
Make breakfast
The DC get washed
DS2 last wee at 7.40
DD last wee at 8
Leave at 8.20

I do this because I know exactly how long each stage takes.

The school thing seems bizarre to me. If you're routinely, say, 15 mins late, why not try getting up 15 mins earlier.

Obviously the answer isn't that simple - but if that's how much you're pretty much always late, how can factoring in a bit more prep time make it any worse? If you have a regularly stonewalling DC, again, surely factoring that in and making it happen that bit earlier will help everyone get out of the house on time?

It must be so stressful not just for you, but for DC also, to be rushing and under pressure - every day.