'Boys don't cry in this class.'

[HelloGabriel]

DD has just started P5 (we're in NI, not sure what this equates to elsewhere, children are 8/9 years old).

She told me and DH earlier that her new teacher doesn't tolerate crying from boys in her class and proceeded to tell us about the following two events earlier that day:

Boy one, having produced an unacceptable number of wrong answers in his maths test, was asked to come to the front of the class to explain himself to everyone. He started to cry and when he went to wipe the tears away, teacher grabbed (DD's word) his arm and tells him 'boys don't cry in this class'.

Boy two, whose handwriting has allegedly taken a turn for the worse today, again is brought to the front for an explanation, and the exact same scenario unfolds. DD tells me she's never seen this boy cry before in all their years at school, but that's maybe irrelevant.

Is this normal? Not even the 'boys don't cry' shit but grabbing a child's arm to prevent them wiping tears away seems harsh to me. Then again I'm not a teacher, maybe crying gets tiresome.

I can't figure out why it's annoying me so much, maybe I'm overreacting or maybe it's been so long since my primary school days, I need to toughen up.

DD funnily enough doesn't seem too phased by it. I'm not sure what teacher's stance on crying girls is and I'm not too keen to find out.

What on earth is the point of making children explain why their work is worse that day? What do they or any other members of the class learn from that? Suppose the answer is that they're having difficulty because of something awful that happened at home, are they allowed to cry at being made to talk about that? Or that they have a learning difficulty and they just don't understand what they're doing? This really is inhumane.

This is an awful destructive message to give young children especially the boys in question, please bring this to the head teacher.
All adults have a responsibility to look out for the emotional /physical wellbeing of children, not simply their own.
If this was "girls can't do maths and belong in the kitchen " and happening to your dd, it would be just as wrong.

I would complain if I were you, especially if your dd is coming home telling you as it's obviously shocked her. My ds kept coming home telling me about a teacher being mean to another boy in class (and he normally tells me zilch about his day at school). When he described teachers (actually is was the teaching assistant) behaviour I went and straight to the boys mum and step dad in the playground and told them and they knew nothing about it, just that he didn't want to go to school anymore and had been really upset and not himself. All came tumbling out then, I know they went and saw head and they swapped the ts around in the end.

Making a child come to the front of the class to explain themselves to everyone is just awful and humiliating. Imagine if you were struggling with someone at work, and your boss made you stand up in front of your work colleagues and ‘explain yourself’. Fucking horrible and degrading.

I am a teacher in Belfast and for two years worked as literacy support for the board. I experienced a teacher being like this with the pupils, it was a very small primary school in the country with 5 teachers who were women well in their 50's, including principal.

It is def not acceptable and it should be reported.

I would write the incidents down, and make an appointment with the principal/ BOG's depending on relationships within school.

I also experienced alot of secterian comments, I reported them to the union but never did anything about it and I am sorry now I didnt.

I definitely think you should write and complain.
It's not just the boys who suffered that, everyone else in the class has been put in the position of realising that a boy crying will not be tolerated, which is so regressive. We're supposed to be getting away from that whole "hide your emotions" crap - not pushing back to it!

It's also the whole "public humiliation" aspect in front of the class too - that is potentially going to happen to ANY of the class, not just the boys, and is something that, again, we were supposed to be moving away from.

Horrible way to treat the children - my son is that age and treatment like that would be soul-searing for him. :(

What a nasty horrible bully. Something needs to be said/done as she shouldn’t be a teacher.

The “boys don’t cry” thing is a load of shit. They aren’t robots, they are humans with emotions just like girls. I hate it when boys are told to man up.

I think you need to see the head about this teacher. This sounds awful

Some teachers are bullies. DS2 has some SEN - pretty mild and never the sort to charge around and disrupt. But two teachers homed in on him. One made his life a misery for a year. She also picked on the SEN boy who went into her class the following year. His mother came to find me to check if she was imagining it, as she was a subtle bitch. Eight years on I still can't stand her.

Act on it. Find out which boys they are and let their parents know. I found out about DS's teacher letting soem atrocious bullying go on in her class because another child got upset about it at home and told his mother. I was always grateful to her for that.

I remember getting regular tellings off for my handwriting and spelling.... turned out I had a form of dyslexia that effects handwriting.
Also enforcing the line of 'Boys don't cry'...
YANBU

She's a bully, plain & simple. I would not be happy for her to teach my child.

There's no way I'd be letting this go without challenging it. What a fucking nasty individual. Poor kids. We rightly complain about men being emotionally detached and bereft of empathy, worry about higher suicide rates among men etc then you hear stories like this, which go a long way to explaining why. We should be encouraging all our children to show and acknowledge their feelings, and support them to build resilience kindly, if we're to help tackle mental health issues in adulthood. This makes me so cross op, please challenge it.

I would report it to Head, I would also make the boys parents aware if I knew them. I might double check it first with another Mum but I would believe it, we had one teacher who used to bully SN kids including one quiet adopted girl with anxiety, used to make fun of her hurting herself. Head didn't appear to do much but he has left the school.

Thanks again and sorry for delay in response, just arrived at work.

I will absolutely do something about it. Suicide hadn't even occurred to me and in fact I think it was earlier this week in the local news that suicide rates in NI have increased again this year

I'm familiar with who the boys' parents are so will ensure they're made aware of it.

My main concern is that nothing will be done about it. This can't be the first time it's happened.

Humiliating children is not cool.

Sorry HelloGabriel I didn't mean to alarm you with my talk of suicide. I just mean that although there are many complex factors that contribute to mental health and suicide rates, I am certain that it doesn't help little boys to be told constantly to 'man up', deny and suppress their feelings and emotions. Ultimately it does us women no favours either. Please let us know how you get on.

This is absolutely horrifying. You must do everything you can to report and shame this teacher, she shouldn't be teaching.

That’s so awful. My ds is 6 and very emotional, if he was told that boys don’t cry I’d be bloody furious. I would talk to the parents and make sure they are aware of what went on.

No Little I think it's completely relevant for you to make the connection, you're absolutely right.

God my heart goes out to those little boys.

It's not right to be told to stand in front of the class and explain why you got the lowest mark. It's not right to be told "Boys don't cry". It's not right to have a teacher take their arm to stop then from wiping their tears.

I had this at school when I was 7/8. My teacher would regularly get me to stand up in front of the class because I'd gotten the lowest mark or because I'd been distracted and wasn't listening. I'd often cry and feel ashamed. I never felt humiliation like it before or since.

If my son went to primary school and I heard about this I would be marching into the heads office and demanding that the teacher explain his actions. I would never let my son be subjected to that humiliation ever.

Boys can cry. Boys will cry. It is essential boys learn that emotions are okay.

Fucking awful OP, you're totally right to complain to the head. Book an appointment and explain your concerns.

It probably helps your case as an unbiased but concerned parent that your kid was not one of the ones humiliated, but if I were you I'd still chat to some other parents (as well as speaking to those of the poor boys involved) and see if any others are willing to confirm the teacher's behaviour.

We had a teacher at my village primary school in the mid-90s who definitely loathed kids and used to routinely smack us round the head, along with general humiliating, bullying behaviour; she was very old guard and the school was sort of willing to turn a blind eye to her methods. I think the odd parent had complained before and been dismissed as hysterical before my mother and several others decided to complain together. It's shit but it wasn't dealt with until there was a sort of critical mass of parents agreeing that this was unacceptable. The head SHOULD take your complaint seriously, but it might help to demonstrate that you're not an outlier, as much as it shouldn't be your responsibility to do so.

Bloody hell is this school trying to recreate the worst aspects of the victoria era. How horrible to humiliate those children and encourage horrible stereotypes at the same time.

We had this at primary school the girls could cry all they want but us? No, we needed to man up.

No wonder I struggle with showing emotions. I haven't cried in a decade because there's still a little voice that says "boys don't cry" in my head ..

Don’t know where this school is but this is but could tell similar stories from the school my dc attended. While I understand everyone’s anger, I am angry myself is it not the child’s mum/dads, guardians place to deal with this if they feel it necessary?
From my own experience, when I approached other parents, although they knew this teachers reputation their attitude was not wanting to get involved unless it concerned their own child.
This person is sticking her head above the parapet to make a complaint on someone’s else’s behalf and if this teacher is as horrible as she sounds could start picking on her own DD.

I had a music teacher like this in the 90s. She pushed my brother hard once, I saw it. And for me, we had some visitors in and she asked me to play recorder for them. I was so very nervous I kept messing up and she belittled me, told me off and made me keep playing it over and over. It was awful and I still remember all the little details of that room and that day even now.