'Boys don't cry in this class.'

[HelloGabriel]

DD has just started P5 (we're in NI, not sure what this equates to elsewhere, children are 8/9 years old).

She told me and DH earlier that her new teacher doesn't tolerate crying from boys in her class and proceeded to tell us about the following two events earlier that day:

Boy one, having produced an unacceptable number of wrong answers in his maths test, was asked to come to the front of the class to explain himself to everyone. He started to cry and when he went to wipe the tears away, teacher grabbed (DD's word) his arm and tells him 'boys don't cry in this class'.

Boy two, whose handwriting has allegedly taken a turn for the worse today, again is brought to the front for an explanation, and the exact same scenario unfolds. DD tells me she's never seen this boy cry before in all their years at school, but that's maybe irrelevant.

Is this normal? Not even the 'boys don't cry' shit but grabbing a child's arm to prevent them wiping tears away seems harsh to me. Then again I'm not a teacher, maybe crying gets tiresome.

I can't figure out why it's annoying me so much, maybe I'm overreacting or maybe it's been so long since my primary school days, I need to toughen up.

DD funnily enough doesn't seem too phased by it. I'm not sure what teacher's stance on crying girls is and I'm not too keen to find out.

It's not normal to drag children in front of the class to explain themselves for poor results. If they are underperforming, then that's got nothing to do with the rest of the class and isn't information that needs to be shared. (Granted, I've asked children once to stand in front of their class and apologise for their poor behaviour. That was several of them, though, and they had caused a shortened PE lesson for the rest of the class which was unfair and inconsiderate towards both their classmates and their PE teacher.) I'd get much more upset about that than the comment.
It's not on to tell them that "boys don't cry". They are allowed to get upset. However, I'd have had that discussion in private, so they could have gotten upset in private without getting doubly embarrassed in front of their peers.
What an odd way of managing a class. Is that teacher generally only managing 8-year-olds by intimidation?

Humiliating children is a shit, lazy and spiteful thing to do. She sounds horrid.

Putting her hands on them is also out of order, especially if it was aggressive in even a small way.

“Boys don’t cry” is a hugely damaging and fucking disgusting thing to say. Of course boys cry, it’s human to cry, irrespective of what genitals you have!

Boy one, having produced an unacceptable number of wrong answers in his maths test, was asked to come to the front of the class to explain himself to everyone

That's horrible, even without the stuff about crying. Some kids struggle with maths; don't humiliate them for it :(

Honestly? I’m usually of the “don’t make a fuss” opinion when it comes to school, unless there’s a really, really good reason.

What you’ve described is absolutely worth bringing up, and not letting go until it’s taken seriously.

Genuinely, if my child was in a class where humiliation, aggression and bullying by the teacher were standard, I’d be seeking a move.

Thanks, I really appreciate your thoughts as I'm prone to over-sensitivity and sometimes find everything upsetting ffs.

Head seems approachable and decent, I've spoken to him on a few occasions. Cant help but feel the school is old-fashioned to the core though - bean-bag race for mums and 800m sprint for dads on sports day, anyone?

Would a letter be sufficient?

Spoken to him in a 'passing conversation' on school fun days sense, never had to approach him for anything serious.

No, I would also for a meeting. This is really serious. Honestly, I would also tell the parents of the children involved. It’s really extreme behaviour. As a teacher, I would also say that if the head doesn’t recognise that it’s extreme then you don’t want your child in that school.

^ask not also.

Christ on a bike that teacher is fucking Miss Trunchbull.

I know because my son had a teacher who was similar last year - getting the kids to read out their marks in class, humiliating the ones who'd done badly. Which was usually my son. Not because he's stupid. Because he's got sodding dyslexia.

I am hoping there is a special circle in hell reserved for that (mercifully tiny) minority of people who go into the teaching profession simply because they are sadists.

I am glad to report that DS has a lovely teacher this year.

Would a letter be sufficient?

Actually I think a letter would be better, it’s a formal step which requires a response from the school.

YANBU!

If that happened to my boy at school, I'd be pleased to hear that someone had reported it. Not only that, but by reporting it you will show DD that it is completely acceptable to stand up for other people when necessary. It's a wonderful way to lead by example.

Good Luck OP!

Please do report this. In writing. And explain to your daughter you don’t think this is acceptable.

If you know the boys parents mention to them. This is dreadful and this teacher needs to be stopped

Do you have a parent govenor you could approach?

Please say you are going to do something about this. Find the parents of the boys at least. This teacher is a bully.

I actually think in some ways it is better coming from you than from the boy's parents. You (through your daughter) are an unbiased observer.

I work in school. If I saw this behaviour I'd be whistleblowing. Does that help?

If a parent governor knows their job they will just tell you to contact the Headteacher. Their role (believe it or not) is not to take complaints from parents to the school. They are a representative parent on the governing board, not a person to represent the parents, if that makes sense.
Governors should not get involved in a complaint until they are assured that the Head has had a chance to deal with it, so don't contact them either at this stage.
Just contact the Head, whatever way feels most comfortable to you.

The teacher is a nasty bully, it's humiliation. Going to damage these kids for life and putvthem off learning.

You need to put in a complaint andcalsontonyiureducation department.

I think it’s important for others to report, as what if those boys are too upset and embarrassed to even tell their own parents. Somebody needs to stand up and say This isn’t right.

Agree with claraschu that since you don't have a boy in the class you may be in a good position to say something since you can't be accused of just being overprotective of your child.

This is toxic masculinity - a contributor to the high adult male suicide rate and I strongly suspect leads to the emotional disconnect that turns many men into abusers as adults.

I personally would email the head to say you’ve heard some surprising things from DD about this teacher and could you please discuss. The sexism alone is enough to warrant a complaint but this teacher’s approach sounds bullying as well.

I hate hearing “boys don’t cry”, “man up” and “stop crying like a girl”.

Suicide amoungst males is on the rise, the biggest killer, why? Because men feel they can’t admit there’s something wrong, because they feel they will be looked down on for crying and not being ok

Please say something, tell the head teacher, tell them your dd felt uncomfortable about it. Boys do cry and there’s nothing wrong with crying.

Men have higher sucicide rates because they bottle up their feelings. Attitudes like this exacerbate the problem. This is really damaging behaviour to those little boys.

OP the teacher is a horrible cunt.

Write a letter explaining what happened, and say if it isn’t dealt with appropriately you will be contacting the board of governors. Go to the principal and hand him the letter and also explain verbally what happened.

Someone needs to do the right thing and stand up for the children in the class.