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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be cross with DD's school about 'Distracting the boys' comment

120 replies

PoorlyParented · 13/09/2018 16:45

DD (14) and some other girls in her year were hauled into their Head of Year's office yesterday. They were all told that their school skirts were either too short or too tight. Fair enough, DD's is a bit tight but she insists on wearing her skirts from last year for some reason. I've told her to wear different skirts in future.

However what I do take exception too is her head of year telling them all that their skirts are 'Very distracting for the boys'!!

How about they teach boys that they are responsible for themselves not being distracted by anything!

I'm tempted to email the HOY but have got a lot on at the moment and don't know if I can face another 'thing' to sort, but I feel it needs addressing!

OP posts:
Igorina · 14/09/2018 06:58

2018Already you are either a massive troll or need to hop the fuck back into your time machine and never come back.

MaisyPops · 14/09/2018 07:04

Dear HT,

In future if you have an issue with DD uniform then please don't tell her in a manner that indicates she is asking to be a victim of unwanted or inappropriate attention.

Dd is responsible for her uniform.

The 'boys' are responsible for ensuring they remain the right side of the law re sexual harassment.

Regards

Xxxx

Totally agree with this. I can't stand it when girls insist in rolling skirts up so short I can see their pants and the wearing last year's skirt/buying a skirt too small so that it had to be worn high on the waist go fit and is still too short is also irritating, but the issues shouls be their persistent choice to ignore simple rules, not boys.

Could you donate her too small skirts to the PTA to sell on so she only has the option of a skirt that fits? (She'll roll it up but at least it can physically get to a reasomable length)

Gileswithachainsaw · 14/09/2018 07:04

It's never the clothes. The boys behaviour is never bevause of the length of the skirt. Or old Ladies in hospital gowns and adult nappies wouldn't be raped. I wouldn't have been harassed wearing a full length zipped up parka jacket. And 6 year old girls in their oversized pinafores /skirts and saggy tights wouldn't be raped either...

Fuck off

ErnestTheBavarian · 14/09/2018 07:37

I think though it's fair enough to point out it can be distracting. Not just for the boys though. I feel in no way sexually attracted to women, but if someone (male or female) is dressed revealingly, I do find it distracting.

I feel uncomfortable with loads of cleavage in my face, or equally men's shirts buttoned really low, or short shorts etc. I think also in most cases, people look better covered up anyway. Roll on winter.

I thinks it's easy to get defensive and jump on the idea that we should be able to wear what we want, but I also think dressing appropriately is also important, and we do have a responsibility to the people around us. How we dress and behave does affect other people and it's disingenuous to pretend it doesn't and it's all their problem.

MaisyPops · 14/09/2018 07:43

ErnestTheBavarian
Then it should be framed as whether it is appropriate for a place of work.

E.g. I've told boys to sort their trousers out because I don't want to see their boxers and the world doesn't need to see their underwear (high boxers low trouser trend). I'll equally tell girls that their skirts are not only too short for the uniform but I have no desire to see their pants and the world shouldn't have to avert their eyes to avoid seeing their underwear.
Equally, I remember a group of girls who went through a phase of wearing neon yellow, orange and pink bras under tbeir shirts. I had a chat with them (because in all honestly, they were also a fan of showing the top of their thong) and asked how they'd feel about me if I came to work wearinf a neon turquoise bra with dimantes on the straps that they could see and 2 inches of thong showing? They got the point. It wasn't a telling off, but it was life advice because underwear goes under clothes and we pick underwear to be discreet for the workplace.

At no point would I say it distracts the boys/it distracts the girls.

Bouledeneige · 14/09/2018 07:45

My daughter and her friends rightly challenged the school for the sexism of its dress code and the assumptions it was based on. You should too.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/09/2018 07:48

I would let her wear the skirt, and send a note that she is not responsible for the boys behaviour.

MaisyPops · 14/09/2018 07:55

Snitzelvoncrumb
Why does a student need to ignore a basic part of the school dress code to make that point?
Surely it's simpler -

  1. Girls follow the uniform rules
  2. Boys are responsible for their actions
MissusGeneHunt · 14/09/2018 07:55

@TheDowagerCuntess... Me too re single sex. DS's school (mixed state) is trialling some lessons as single sex. So far it's working a treat. Concentration levels up for girls and boys.

The OP's report of what was said is damaging for girls and boys. Wear regulation uniform because it's uniform, FFS, don't blame either sex's hormones. What kind of branding messages does it give, FGS... Horrified they repeatedly come out with this.

ErnestTheBavarian · 14/09/2018 08:02

Maisy, I agree with you, that's what I meant in my initial comment. That inappropriate attire is distracting full stop. No reference to whom.

It's not a boy or a girl thing, and shouldn't be labelled as such.

Clearly the message taken away from this badly- dealt-with encounter is the injustice of sexism and girls being held accountable for boys' behaviour. Whereas the message surely is, there is a school uniform, and pupils are expected to adhere to it. The same as adults in a workplace being expected to dress appropriately / adhere to any dress code.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/09/2018 08:29

Maisy I would let her wear the skirt for another week so she understands her body isn't bad, and she doesn't have to dress to differently because it might affect the boys. And that is assuming the boys weren't allowed to wear short shorts either.

YeTalkShiteHen · 14/09/2018 08:31

I would let her wear the skirt for another week so she understands her body isn't bad, and she doesn't have to dress to differently because it might affect the boys

No, she doesn’t have to dress differently because it might affect the boys, you’re right.

That doesn’t change the fact that she’s actively choosing not to follow the school dress code, and needs to start wearing clothes which do follow the dress code.

The reason given is utterly ridiculous, and needs to be addressed.

Snitzelvoncrumb · 14/09/2018 08:33

Unless it was really short, then it would have been thrown out already.

ThanosSavedMe · 14/09/2018 08:43

I would be fucking furious with that hoy and would make her explain exactly what she meant by that comment

I would then be taking it to the head and governors to ask what they were doing to promote the message that boys are responsible for their actions and it doesn’t matter what anyone else wears

I totally agree. Young people wear clothes to attract the opposite (or same) sex. It’s always been that way and it always will be.

Op has already said she’s told her dd not to wear that skirt again and that is right but the hoy is very wrong

rjay123 · 15/09/2018 07:42

Did you email HoY?

NeeChee · 15/09/2018 08:18

One of the girls at work got a talking to for wearing inappropriate clothing, always very shirt and very tight skirts. It made everyone feel uncomfortable, and didn't look professional when meeting customers.
Schoolchildren should look smart and it prepares them for a dress code at work, but it should never be excused by victim blaming like the OP's school did.

Trampire · 15/09/2018 08:38

At my DD and DS's school, their seems to be a culture of girls never wearing a skirt and I'm glad of it.
I don't how the trend happened because officially girls are allowed to wear them, but in a school of 1,200 pupils I think only 5 girls wear skirts. Both sexes get told off for too tight trousers though. Sometimes girls try to get away with black leggings and pulled up on it. Not for any 'distraction' reason but purely because it's not smart and not school uniform!

The skirt thing is an age old problem though. My mum used to roll up her skirt in the 50's!

The term 'distracting the boys' should not have been used though. I find it as insulting to boys as it is to girls.

GreenTulips · 15/09/2018 08:55

Schoolchildren should look smart and it prepares them for a dress code at work

I would love to know what this means

leggings are banned, yet teachers wear them, short skirts are banned yet office workers wear them, uniforms can be for shelf stackers or the armed forces, scruffy clothes for trades, jeans for builders, clothes have a purpose, but I'm not sure tying our kids up in stiff shorts and ties and nylon blazers is going to achieve anything other than hot kids in summer and cold kids in winter.

It's uncomfortable and impractical

Ophelialovescats · 15/09/2018 08:58

Idiot HOY!
Heard about an email sent home from a school saying that the girls' short skirts were distracting the make teachers!
The Head was hauled over the coals tho'.

MaisyPops · 15/09/2018 09:01

YeTalkShiteHen
I completely agree with you.

She needs to follow the school dress code.

It's not rocket science. And had she been following fairly simple rules to start with the entire situation wouldn't have happened.

YeTalkShiteHen · 15/09/2018 09:42

I agree on that Maisy, although whatever the situation that comment about distracting boys was shocking and wrong.

MaisyPops · 15/09/2018 09:50

YeTalkShiteHen
Oh yes. The distracting the boys comment was awful.

My preferred take for boys and girls is follow the uniform rules, i'm sure the world doesn't need to see your underwear and I certainly don't want to see it.

I do know some male teachers feel awkward telling girls to sort their skirts out because you get some girls who'll try and twist it and say 'but why were you looking sir' and start making a fuss about how male teacher was clearly looking up their skirts (even if all he has said is 'girls you know the uniform. Roll your skirts down').

I still remember an older male teacher qhen I was at school who took no prisoners on uniform and he once stopped someone coming into our class because 'there's clearly an issue with your underwear. You bottom appears to have sparkles emerging from it' and he sent her to adjust her trousers. We thought he was hilarious because it was one of the 'popular' girls who thought they were untouchable witj their thong made out of those scratchy square dimantes. Grin

Pepper123123 · 15/09/2018 09:52

The only reason girls should ever be given for being pulled up on uniform is because it breaks the rules. I can't think of anything else that's valid (not including health and safety).

Our girls aren't responsible for the actions of boys. They are responsible for following school rules, but absolutely not responsible for the thoughts of actions of others.

Has anyone actually asked these young boys if they're distracted? I don't like that it's assumed that boys are seeing their female peers this way automatically just because the adults say so.

busybarbara · 15/09/2018 09:55

They shouldn't have said that but it is absolutely unavoidable that 14 year old boys full of raging hormones are going to struggle to not be checking out your daughter's bottom and legs if she wears extremely tight skirts so you might want a word anyway.

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