To not invite one of 3 'best friends' to be bridesmaid?

[bridetobe89]

Firstly this does reference things like group chats and social media and on a few threads I've seen people mention anything like this there's been unhelpful responses calling them childish or whatever but I'm 24 and it's all relevant to the situation so please don't patronise me because I am genuinely concerned over this and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I'm getting married next year, and I've been going over what to do in regards to my bridal party for months but can't seem to come to a conclusion.

I've known friend A in school and have been close ever since. I met friend B through uni two years ago, and we've been close ever since, I see and talk to her more than I do with friend A.

I introduced friends A & B as was planning a night out and wanted them to meet as my closest friends. I set up a group chat on Facebook where we all spoke for a couple of days prior just to sort of break the ice between them. They met and have been good friends ever since. The three of us kept in touch via the group chat and used it to arrange plans regularly.

Next we plan to go to a nearby city for a larger night out and get a hotel. Friend A invites her closest friend, Friend C. Neither me or friend B have ever met friend C but we add her to the group chat where we are making all the plans and all get on. We went out on the night out and had a good time.

Rather than making a new group chat we'd used the existing one and just added friend C, we used this chat most days so we continued to do so. This is where it gets a little awkward as it's now been well over a year of this group chat being used most days, Friend A & Friend C are still extremely close, however both Friend B and I have only met her twice more since that initial night out, but we are both close with Friend A. The group chat is still our main communication as we all live about 50 minutes apart etc, which the 4 of us are in.

Friend C is a nice girl, and frequently reposts photos of us from the few times we've met saying things like "miss my best friends" and refers to us as such frequently in the group chat and to other people etc. I guess I just feel awkward because I literally don't know her. If I ever want to post anything or plan anything with friend A & B I always ensure to include Friend C, as I don't want to be bitchy and look I'm leaving one person out.. but I don't know her?! Not really?!

I want Friend A & B to be in my bridal party, preferably with friend B as Maid of Honour and then friend A as a bridesmaid along with my sister. I just feel I'll look so nasty not asking Friend C? She's gotten upset in the past over such little things like me and Friend B tagging each other and Friend A in funny pictures on Facebook and not her (I know this sounds childish) and I know she'll take it personally.

I just feel strange having someone Ive met three times as my bridesmaid.. I feel slightly strange even inviting her to the wedding as I just do not feel like I know her at all. it's such a strange situation having someone call you their best friend when I only really seem them as an acquaintance and I've gone along with it for over a year just out of sheer awkwardness and not wanting to upset anyone.. but it just seems strange. I don't know if Friend B feels the same and don't want to ask in case I look catty. I dealt with lots of bitchy girls in school and don't want to be that girl

I'm make a new group chat and just add A & B and use that one from now on. Unfriend C anywhere you have her on your list and be done with her, her upset crazy isn't your responsibility, you don't know her.

Echo everyone else's sentiments - of course don't ask her!

However one thing I'm confused about - you say you've always included her in invites for A and B as you don't want her to feel left out - but that you've only met her 3 times in a year.

So is it that she always declines the invites or that you don't do things together often?

Also when you say you would feel very uncomfortable to be alone in her company - do you actually not like her really? Only because it seems a fairly extreme feeling to be 'very uncomfortable' with someone if you got on with them but just didn't know them that well.

The thing is, if you want to honour someone with a title because they are "100% your closest friend" then you can't really worry about how Friend A will feel about it ... because you've decided to point it out yourself, that your other friend is more important.

If you don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, don't single anyone out with a title. Plus. MoH should be married, it's Chief Bridesmaid if you're really looking for a title.

But just ... don't. Have your two best friends. Don't make a pecking order, there's no need.

I agree with the above. Why single someone out as the most important best friend? If they’re both best friends, no need for the hierarchy at all imo.

Agree with all the others saying you don’t have any obligation to have friend C (who you don’t really know that well) as a bridesmaid.

Perhaps set up a new group chat with just friend A, friend B and your sister for bridesmaid chat, to make things feel less awkward?

If you're only having adult attendants then you don't need a 'chief' bridesmaid or a maid or matron of honour. It's usually their job to keep the other, young, bridal party under control, and you won't need that role at your wedding.

I would make invite A and B to be bridesmaid and then start a new chat with just them under the fuse of it being about the wedding. I would forget the MOH stuff, just make them bridesmaids. I'd then step back from C by minimising communications and ignoring the BF stuff. Tbh I probably wouldn't invite her to the wedding at all. You've only met 3 times after all!

That'll teach me for not checking. No idea why there's a random make and I meant guise not fuse.

just make your two close friends and your sister bridesmaids - scrap the maid of honour title. If anyone asks ‘Who is chief bridesmaid?’ or similar, say ‘You are’ and let them enjoy thinking it. It’s largely meaningless. Create a new group for the wedding and act with bemusement if anyone asks why C isn’t part of it.

Of course she wouldn’t expect to be bridesmaid. Just ask A & B and invite C to the wedding. No need to explain - you have met her three times!

Why did you add friend C to your group chat, when you don't know her, and she is your friends friend, not yours. I can see it has created an awkward situation. I would invite A and B, maybe message C privately to say that you have asked A and B to be bridesmaids as you have known them a very long time, and they are your oldest friends. Invite her for the evening or something.

Obviously you are nbu about friend c, don't give another thought, you are completely right. But just on the maid of honor thing, you know you don't have to give anyone a title other than bridesmaids, just have three bridesmaids and say you are having not having a "maid of honour" at all

Friend C sounds really needy, seeing as she does not know you very well. Invite who you want and if you upset C it is no biggie.

I didn't have any bridesmaids or MOH at mine. But you are really over-thinking this. Put it out of your head.

OP, a WhatsApp group means very little. I have a group of four girlfriends I speak to in a WhatsApp group all the time. none of them are even invited to my wedding.

Don’t have a hierarchy in the bridesmaids. That will illustrate that you are singling certain people out in your friendship group and give credence to the belief, however ridiculous, that you are also singling out acquaintance/ friend c. As a pp said MOH are usually married. At most give the best organised person chief bridesmaid and explain to the others why.

Inviting friend c to the hen and evening do is probably the best compromise tbh.

No way would
Friend C be a bridesmaid for me. Wouldn’t even contemplate it. I get the maid of honour situation tho. I had my two best friends as bridesmaids and didn’t have a maid of honour. I asked one of them to be my witness for signing the register and the other to sit at the top table with me.

This is a perfect example of social media really deforming people's notions of what constitutes an actual friendship.

Note to C: being added to a group chat for convenience because you are friends with one of the members does not mean that you are 'best friends' with another member you have met three times. And proclaiming that all members of this group chat, though you have only met one of them more than three times, are your 'best friends' on FB doesn't actually make it so.

OP, don't give it another thought. The neediness of someone you've only met three times is not your problem. Have A and B as 'equal' bridesmaids -- you don't need a hierarchy.

Start a new group for you and your two bridesmaids.

Use the old group chat for any group meet ups etc.

Haha - bless you OP - this happened to me recently. We had a nice group chat going, until one girl got married and someone added her non-group bridesmaids into our chat.

One of them just treated us as if we'd been friends for life immediately. It was cringe. She would just kill conversations by getting OTT with people she'd barely met if at all. If someone tried to set up girls night she'd join in with the dates available, there'd be one she couldn't do but the rest could... but we wouldn't normally invite her.

So we did the mature thing and created a new separate group without her.

(I'm aware someone will be along to say this sounds very Mean Girls ish, but this woman lives a hundred miles away, and we all have plenty enough going on in our lives than to try add in another person in.)

Re: the “best friends” thing, my SIL does this with random acquaintances. It has been known for her to make very polite chit-chat with people she has just met and later rave to me about how well they got on and what great friends they are. She once complained about not being invited to the wedding of one of her db’s friends from uni. She literally met him once 10 years ago but they had a great “friendship”. Sadly, I think this is due to a lack of confidence and actually a lack of any real, close friends. I can see why op is nervous thinking about it from this perspective!

maybe message C privately to say that you have asked A and B to be bridesmaids as you have known them a very long time, and they are your oldest friends

Doing anything like this is just going to make C feel that she does, in fact, have greater status and has been passed over, surely - as would a previous suggestion to contact A to explain why C is not a bridesmaid. Why WOULD she be, you barely know her?

You will have plenty of family and friends that do need to be invited to your wedding, OP, stop worrying about friends of friends. Attend outings with all three of them as you see fit, but don't be worrying about someone that you personally have never spent any individual time with and have no urge to!

I think that Friend C should have no expectation at all to be a bridesmaid and should be happy to be invited. If she does lose it that's on her not you.

Once thing i found about getting married is you simply cannot please everyone. It's impossible. I chose friends over some family members as i was limited since it was in Vegas who i've seen like 3 times in my life and they were annoyed and now avoid me at other family parties. I don't let it bother me.

I had a my mother in law rant about how we had to invite her sister as she was upset that we hadn't and then they dropped out a few weeks before! I know this is off topic and i guess with age you will learn top not try and please everyone as much (I used to do this all the time) but it is your wedding, your day and you should invite who you want.

On top of this don't forget it can get quite expensive - traditionally you buy your bridesmaids a gift each and maybe buy their dresses/shoes. What would you write in a thank you card to her as well when you barely know her?! It's not really fair to expect you to pay out that much on someone you've met 3 times! I'm sure friends A and B will completely understand.

You’re creating an issue that doesn’t need to be an issue! Of course you shouldn’t ask C, anyone who criticised you for that would be crazy! Stop worrying about it as it’s going to make it worse, definitely don’t try and ‘break it gently to C’ or ask the other girls what they think, just ask your two best friends to be bridesmaids for goodness sake! You sound lovely but this really doesn’t have to be something you’re losing sleep over, if C does get upset then that’s her issue, no one with normal expectations would think they’d be a bridesmaid of someone they’d met 3 times!!