To not invite one of 3 'best friends' to be bridesmaid?

[bridetobe89]

Firstly this does reference things like group chats and social media and on a few threads I've seen people mention anything like this there's been unhelpful responses calling them childish or whatever but I'm 24 and it's all relevant to the situation so please don't patronise me because I am genuinely concerned over this and don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.

I'm getting married next year, and I've been going over what to do in regards to my bridal party for months but can't seem to come to a conclusion.

I've known friend A in school and have been close ever since. I met friend B through uni two years ago, and we've been close ever since, I see and talk to her more than I do with friend A.

I introduced friends A & B as was planning a night out and wanted them to meet as my closest friends. I set up a group chat on Facebook where we all spoke for a couple of days prior just to sort of break the ice between them. They met and have been good friends ever since. The three of us kept in touch via the group chat and used it to arrange plans regularly.

Next we plan to go to a nearby city for a larger night out and get a hotel. Friend A invites her closest friend, Friend C. Neither me or friend B have ever met friend C but we add her to the group chat where we are making all the plans and all get on. We went out on the night out and had a good time.

Rather than making a new group chat we'd used the existing one and just added friend C, we used this chat most days so we continued to do so. This is where it gets a little awkward as it's now been well over a year of this group chat being used most days, Friend A & Friend C are still extremely close, however both Friend B and I have only met her twice more since that initial night out, but we are both close with Friend A. The group chat is still our main communication as we all live about 50 minutes apart etc, which the 4 of us are in.

Friend C is a nice girl, and frequently reposts photos of us from the few times we've met saying things like "miss my best friends" and refers to us as such frequently in the group chat and to other people etc. I guess I just feel awkward because I literally don't know her. If I ever want to post anything or plan anything with friend A & B I always ensure to include Friend C, as I don't want to be bitchy and look I'm leaving one person out.. but I don't know her?! Not really?!

I want Friend A & B to be in my bridal party, preferably with friend B as Maid of Honour and then friend A as a bridesmaid along with my sister. I just feel I'll look so nasty not asking Friend C? She's gotten upset in the past over such little things like me and Friend B tagging each other and Friend A in funny pictures on Facebook and not her (I know this sounds childish) and I know she'll take it personally.

I just feel strange having someone Ive met three times as my bridesmaid.. I feel slightly strange even inviting her to the wedding as I just do not feel like I know her at all. it's such a strange situation having someone call you their best friend when I only really seem them as an acquaintance and I've gone along with it for over a year just out of sheer awkwardness and not wanting to upset anyone.. but it just seems strange. I don't know if Friend B feels the same and don't want to ask in case I look catty. I dealt with lots of bitchy girls in school and don't want to be that girl

Definitely don't ask her to be a bridesmaid. If you like her and want to be inclusive, do invite her to the wedding and hen party etc.

Absolutely so not have Friend C. You'll lixk yourself in time if you do.

Ask your two BFs to be BMs, then create a new whatsapp chat group called Brisesmaids or A,B,OP and keep all wedding chat to that.

You are not obliged to have C at your hen, wedding or as a BM!

I admire her chutzpah in trying to inveigle herself into things but you need to find your own chutzpah and resist her attempts.

I assume you will be asking friend c to the wedding as a guest, if you like her enough then maybe she could do a reading or something while you are signing the register, if in a church, or you could ask her to suggest music or something.

Fade yourself off the group chat and start communicating with a and b individually. Like her on Facebook occasionally but otherwise distance yourself. Don't ask them to be bridesmaids for a month or so. Invite her to evening do if you want. If A challenges you say 'she's lovely but we've only actually met a couple of times you know'. If pushed, say you weren't really clicking.

And have a separate group for the 3 of you for wedding stuff!

I just feel strange having someone I've met three times as my bridesmaid

Yep, that's because it would be utterly insane to have someone you've met 3 times as a bridesmaid, just because she's in a WhatsApp group with your other bridesmaids

Agree with Eva just message A and B individually re wedding planning.

You can't have C as bridesmaid just because she's your friend's friend!

I assume you will be asking friend c to the wedding as a guest

But she's only met her three times? Why would you - or she - assume that?

Evening invite IF that, and personally it wouldn't be for me.

Why don’t you just start a new chat with the ones you want to ask and ask them?

Sorry, see you are not even sure you want her at the wedding! FOrget about readings and music.

Even if you set up another chat group just for wedding stuff at some point she is going to realise this and either be very hurt or withdraw from the friendship which sounds as though it will upset both you and your other friends too.

I think you will have to be upfront from the start, explain the wedding and reception is going to be small and you are limited for numbers , invite her to your hen and give her an invite and a plus 1 for the evening only.

I would be inviting friend 'C', to the night do, with her partner, if she has one. Weddings are very expensive, you don't really know this girl, so don't worry about it OP. Ask yourself, would you expect to be her bridesmaid ? Would you be happy that you had an invite to the night do ?

Agree with others, you're waaay overthinking this. C is not really a friend, she's a passing acquaintance you've met a couple of times. It would be ridiculous to have her as your bridesmaid, and no same person would expect to be asked.

Incidentally, the wedding is next year as in 'early 2019', or 'in a year's time's? If the latter, you really don't have to decide on your bridal party now, give yourself a few more months.

And for the live of God set up a new Facebook chat between just you, A & B!

You're not responsible for Friend C's feelings and you definitely don't have to include her in your bridal party just because you are worried she'd expect it. I know it's hard because she's putting them all on you, but her expectations and feelings are hers to deal with - looking at the rational facts, it's clear that you shouldn't have to include her.

She sounds maybe lonely, and as if she'd LIKE to have a squad of close mates, but all you can meet that with is the kindness and friendship you've already offered her. No obligation to go further. TBH I'd just skim over her not being in the bridal party and don't draw attention to it, you don't know that she necessarily expects to be in it, and if push comes to shove you can always say you chose the girls you've known for longest. But don't assume that you will hurt her, and if she is hurt, know that you have not behaved badly at all. You shouldn't have to explain yourself.

Like @Havaina said, create a new whatsapp chat with friend A & B and sister for all wedding related stuff. In the run up you will probably be using this one more than the other and you can then phase her out to only meet with her when Friend A brings her along.

I would also stop personally inviting her to stuff, maybe Friend A would like to see you and Friend B without C being there all the time too

YANBU, if she gets upset then she's a loon tbqh

I agree with the previous poster re gently disengaging with the chat thread.
If you currently check it daily, then switch to every other day, then twice a week, then weekly.

You can stay in touch with A&B separately through text or maybe phone calls?
If they get inquisitive say you are having a bit of a digital detox and trying to focus your energy on spending tine with individuals.

Then in a few weeks phone then both up separately and ask if they will be your bridesmaids.

Do you have specific roles or tasks you want them to take on?

Any normal person who has met someone only 3 times wouldnt expect to be bridesmaid but calling you "best friend" etc is a bit worrying, which makes me suspect she will be massively aggrieved if you dont. This is not a reason to ask her however, thats for her to deal with if it turns out to be the case. You dont ask someone to be bridesmaid youve only met 3 times just because youre worried about their feelings!

any adult that throws a strop at not being asked to be a bridesmaid - isn't someone you want anyway. Don't worry about it.

She can’t seriously expect to be a BM. I think inviting C to the wedding would be kids nd of you given you hardly know her. Definitely set up new group chat for wedding stuff.

YANBU to want your two close friends and your sister in your bridal party and YANBU to not even invite C at all to the wedding. If C gets in a huff about it, she gets in a huff about it. You've met her three times, you'll survive.

Out of interest, have you mentioned to friend A anything about this? Are you worried, she'll be a bit

C sounds as though she enjoys being a member of the small group on WhatsApp. She may well be hoping that you consider her to be a close friend and that you will ask her to be a bridesmaid. That doesn't mean that you're obliged to though! Make sure you're not discussing wedding things on the current group and, once you've asked A and B to be bridesmaids, set up a group for the three of you (with only you as the admin so no one else can be added).

If you're worried about C's reaction, you could either let her know that you've asked A and B because you've been friends with each of them for a long time or you could ask A to say that if C brings it up. But keep all wedding chat off the WhatsApp group that C is in; she doesn't need to hear about details of something she's not part of. Likewise, if you're sharing photos of the hen do and didn't invite her, change your privacy settings so she doesn't see them.

you barely know her!

ask A and B individually, separately, in person

ask her to the hen do and the wedding if you want to

lots of people gush on social media

Thanks all. I wasn't going to use the group chat to ask A or B to be bridesmaids, was going to do it all in person so no risk there. I know I wouldn't be upset if C didn't ask me to be her bridesmaid, I'd be more shocked if she did.. however I don't plaster it all over Facebook that she's my best friend etc.. it's her actions that have made me think that she will take it personally. Haven't mentioned wedding plans at all in the chat, just sent a photo of my ring in it to announce my engagement and then called friends A & B to tell them about it, the other 2 didn't really reply in the group as they phoned me. Friend C just replied saying she couldn't wait for the hen do which I thought was a bit presumptuous.

Guess I'm just going to have to upset her, DH (to be) was telling me I'm mad thinking of having someone as a bridesmaid out of politeness but I just thought it was so bitchy not too, glad you all agree with him. Will invite her to hen do & evening to keep things friendly.

Surely if she says anything you just respond with "we've only met 3 times and I wanted my closest friends and my sister to be my BMs"
No further explanation needed you'd think!

Some people are just like this unfortunately. The fact that as an adult she doesn't seem to have any other friends and is calling people she has only met a couple of times her 'best friends' is probably quite revealing. Don't feel guilty, at not inviting her but probably prepare yourself for a bit of drama when she knows. Also, once you've asked the others to be bridesmaids set up a separate wedding planning group chat so that she doesn't feel left out of general plans chat.