To miss my brother's wedding

[MrsPuff5]

My brother is getting married. It's a destination wedding and will last over a few days. I am pleased for him and his wife to be and would love to be there. They have offered to pay for everyone to stay at the hotel for 10 days, which is the only way I could go as could not afford it myself.

The issue is he has invited my sister (also his sister) and family. I am NC with my sister for a whole host of reasons that stem from our childhood but the final straw was when she looked after one of my children, she left them with her 17 year old son for an hour without my permission or knowledge. I later found out that her son had taken drugs (which she didn't know about) and her son swore at my 4 year old and was erratic and scared him. He also kicked him away when he annoyed him, hard enough to leave a mark. When I found out I waited until I was calm and confronted her, thinking she would be devestated. Instead she got angry, swore at me and called me and my child liars and tells anyone who will listen that we are liars. I stopped all contact immediately. My child is now six and has said he never wants to see either of them again. Nor do I. My brother knows the situation but has chosen to stay out of it.

How can I stay at a hotel with these people, I can't even bear to be in the same room. It has taken alot to go NC and caused me a lot of sadness and took me a long while to come to terms with what happened and also with dealing with other aspects or our relationship when we were young. If I see them I feel like like I would go backwards. I also don't want to leave my son at home for the wedding, but respect his right not to want to go too.

My brother will be angry and upset if we don't go, and has said he doesn't know if he could forgive us missing his wedding. I don't know what to do!

I found out about the son taking drugs after my sister admitted it to my mum, he has stopped now and she maintains that although he 'had smoked something' the rest 'of my story is bullshit'

It’s a tricky one. Do you know how big the hotel is?

I think you should try to rise above it. Do you have to go for the full 10 days, or could stay elsewhere perhaps. Will your nephew be attending or just your sister?

I think you need to go. I appreciate you and your sister have a past which is difficult and I understand your reasons for being no contact with her but none of this is your brothers fault.

I am also very surprised that after 2 years he would even remember who your sister and her son are.

I think it is lovely that he has offered to pay for you to attend and if you do not go your relationship with your brother will not be salvageable.

Grow the fuck up. The wedding is your brother and his partners day. If he chooses to maintain contact with his sister you have to accept this and not expect him to have to choose between you.

How much would you have to see your sister? Could you avoid her and your nephew for the majority of the time?

Do you have to go for the whole 10 days?

It’s such a horrible situation and I really feel for you OP. In your shoes I think I’d definitely go - for your brother. As you don’t want to lose him too surely? Just ask him to make sure that for the sit down part of the wedding that you are sat at the other end of the room. For all of the other times you’re sure to be in the same room just pretend as hard as you can that they’re invisible and take no notice. If any comments/looks are made your way, be the bigger person, rise above it and people will soon see your sister for what she is. X

Just don’t go, I missed 2 siblings weddings for slightly similar circumstances, but went to the third, it led me into a depression for around 6 months afterwards having to deal with those family members and that was only for one day.
If your brother knows the situation he should understand, otherwise would him putting you up in close by accommodation work? Or going for a shorter period?

"I think it is lovely that he has offered to pay for you to attend and if you do not go your relationship with your brother will not be salvageable."

I agree. This clearly demonstrates that he really wants you to be there. I feel sorry for him as he must feel like piggy in the middle.

Is there any way that you can go, but stay in another hotel? Would you feel supported by other family members?

@user139328237 wtf? Where have I said he should choose? I have no problem with him seeing her, but I have every right not to want to. I have not said he should choose, she is invited, along with her son, and is going. I am just trying to decide if I want to.

It’s your brothers wedding, he is even paying for you to attend!

Of course you go, act like an adult and ignore/ be civil to your sister. Sometimes adults suck things up for others and a brothers wedding is one of them times....

That sounds horrendous. She sounds deluded as hell.
I would still go though. If anyone should miss out it should be her. Its not like you'll be sharing the same hotel room.
Eventually youll be in a situation or an event where she will be present. Might aswell start now and get used to it.
My mum and dad went NC with both dads sisters and their husbands when i was about 8. Both had physical altercations with my mum (mum was always too scared to defend herself). One of their husbands stole a silly amount of money out of my dads business nearly rendering us bankrupt and on the street.
We never stopped going to any events where they would be present. At least twice a year we see them at one event or another.
Dont allow your sister to make you miss out on the joys of life.

I think you need to stop making this about you and go to your brothers wedding and celebrate with him.

How do you think it will make him feel if you aren’t there? His wedding will be tainted by you and your sister’s fall out and it’s nonot fair to do that to him. He shouldn’t feel like he had to choose between you and you shouldn’t punish him for the fact he still has a relationship with his other sister.

Put a smile on your face and put your brother and his wedding before yourself. It’s ten days, just stay out of her way.

I'd go to the wedding. Be superficially polite and deflect/grey rock.

My ds has enough problems remembering who his cousins are, and I know wouldn't recognise my brothers children who he has met once 3 years ago - and he's 12. So I wouldn't worry about your ds

Also look into the area and see what there is to do with DS on however many days you decide to go for.

I think it's up to you. I didn't go to my brother's wedding for similar reasons and we always had a complicated relationship. It was 10 years ago. He has never forgiven me. Be prepared for that.

Just go and be civilised, this really isn't about you or your sister.

When is the wedding?
Would you consider having some mediation sessions with your sister, with the aim of being able to have a civil ten days in close proximity?

While I totally sympathise with you about the situation with your sons, she has just gone into full defence mode to protect her child, as you have done ( not saying she is in the right, just observing the parallel).
I suspect that if this was a stand alone incident then you both would have found a way to get over it, and the real problems are the lasting effects of your childhood dynamic.

She is holding a lot of power over you right now, even though you are no contact. You can reclaim the power only by adjusting your reaction- nothing you can do about her behaviour. I know I suggested mediation above, but also, probably better, some personal counselling or therapy may be useful to come to terms with your dynamic and give you the tools to cope with seeing her at your brothers wedding. You don't have to miss out for her sake.
Do go if you want to, not only to keep your brother happy.

Go. Your DB wants you there.

Have some quick phrases to use if you need to

"We're adults and here for our Brother's wedding"

You never know, perhaps she has had a chance to reflect? perhaps this could be a chance to agree to disagree and just move on and past it. You don't have to bee in each other's lives.

FWIW, MOST of us would consider a 17yo more than capable of looking after a 4yo for an hour, and sadly the 17yo let his mother down first and foremost. I don't think your DSis was the one who made a mistake in the first instance, her reaction wasn't helpful, but she defended her DS, it's not always logical or correct, but it happens. Some mums think their kids can do no wrong..

Maybe say as you are well aware I am nc with our sister and I’m sure your aware of my reason why this is the case.

Unfortunately I will not be unable to attend your wedding given the circumstances but I hope you have a great day and maybe you and your future wife and my family can go for a meal to celebrate your inpending nuptials.

FWIW, MOST of us would consider a 17yo more than capable of looking after a 4yo for an hour, and sadly the 17yo let his mother down first and foremost. I don't think your DSis was the one who made a mistake in the first instance, her reaction wasn't helpful, but she defended her DS, it's not always logical or correct, but it happens. Some mums think their kids can do no wrong..

I was figuring out how to say this but hissy said it well. It doesn’t justify her reaction but she was just defending her son. But to still be keeping up the charade shows she’s someone who is all about saving her/his face.

I would go.

Grow the fuck up. The wedding is your brother and his partners day. If he chooses to maintain contact with his sister you have to accept this and not expect him to have to choose between you.

Honestly, any adult who thinks that their "special day" is more important than everyone else's needs could do with growing the fuck up. Any adult who thinks the world should spend 10 days celebrating their wedding and go abroad to do should grow the fuck up.

If the brother can't understand the Op doesn't want to spend 10 days, I mean 10 fucking days with someone she hates, then he is the arse, not the Op.

OP if you had posted to say that you didn't want to go to a ten day destination wedding you'd have everyone on your side about your brother's cheekyfuckery. but because you've given them a chance to be rude to you, expect it for the next 20 pages.

I would go but not to the whole thing. Fly in for the wedding and fly out. As long as you are there for the big day that is all that counts.
One day and simply avoid your sister. If you run into her be civil. This is your brothers wedding day and nothing should be allowed to ruin it. I would take my child as it will be a lovely family day, I would not stay for ten days though.

Honestly I have no issues with destination weddings, and the main issue tends to be cost.