To miss my brother's wedding

[MrsPuff5]

My brother is getting married. It's a destination wedding and will last over a few days. I am pleased for him and his wife to be and would love to be there. They have offered to pay for everyone to stay at the hotel for 10 days, which is the only way I could go as could not afford it myself.

The issue is he has invited my sister (also his sister) and family. I am NC with my sister for a whole host of reasons that stem from our childhood but the final straw was when she looked after one of my children, she left them with her 17 year old son for an hour without my permission or knowledge. I later found out that her son had taken drugs (which she didn't know about) and her son swore at my 4 year old and was erratic and scared him. He also kicked him away when he annoyed him, hard enough to leave a mark. When I found out I waited until I was calm and confronted her, thinking she would be devestated. Instead she got angry, swore at me and called me and my child liars and tells anyone who will listen that we are liars. I stopped all contact immediately. My child is now six and has said he never wants to see either of them again. Nor do I. My brother knows the situation but has chosen to stay out of it.

How can I stay at a hotel with these people, I can't even bear to be in the same room. It has taken alot to go NC and caused me a lot of sadness and took me a long while to come to terms with what happened and also with dealing with other aspects or our relationship when we were young. If I see them I feel like like I would go backwards. I also don't want to leave my son at home for the wedding, but respect his right not to want to go too.

My brother will be angry and upset if we don't go, and has said he doesn't know if he could forgive us missing his wedding. I don't know what to do!

If it were me, I'd go but not take my children.

Is this a possibility, OP? If you could do this and maybe go for three days instead of ten (which seems OTT anyway) you could resolve the issue of your son having to see these people and minimise your own contact with them too. However, I appreciate this might not be an option if your family who usually be your main source of childcare.

I would ask for the money he is spending on the room to be given directly for you to choose a different hotel. If you can't afford one as he has got discounted rates then go for a shorter time. Or only go for a few days anyway so you get to support his wedding but don't have to see her. Hopefully that will be a suitable compromise

Regarding DS remembering it, he was almost five and is just turned six so it happened less than 18 months ago. After it happened he talked about it alot for weeks after. Now, if he sees a picture of them at my mum's he says "I don't like him, he hurt me." Generally I reply with "Yes I know, but it's all over now" and distract him. I can't be sure he remembers everything that happened, although I think he does, or if he is just remembering the feelings he associates with his cousin.

Yes my sister was protecting her son, but I felt she should have shown care and thoughts about her nephew too?!

FWIW my brother isn't an arse, but he doesn't ever get involved in family arguements or conflict. He has always been this way, probably survival having two sisters! I have no issue with him and have yet to discuss it with him. He is younger than us and doesn't remember even living with my older sister.

The destination wedding is random, they haven't even ever visited this place and are both from the UK.

With regards to my sister, she is much older than me and I have always been a little afraid of her. She was violent when we were young. Siblings fight I know but when it's a 15 year old hitting a 5 year old that's beyond sibling rivalry. I have scars still where she would scratch by arms and on my hands where she once attacked me with a fork when I didn't hold my knife and fork properly. I was 6. I would never have left my son with her but my husband had a car accident and was rushed to hospital for surgery (he is fine now) and there was noone else around at the time, and she has never been violent since we were adults and I thought he would be safe.

The general consensus seems to be a should suck it up and go. I will look into the resort and see if I can stay away for as much as possible.

Oh, @MrsPuff5 she sounds vile!! Definitely try and avoid her, keep you and your son away from her. Speak to your brother, see if he can arrange a room on the other side of the hotel rather than next door. Just because you're all there together doesn't mean you have to spend every second together so try and get away with DS as much as possible! E.g. if they're at the pool, try and go to the beach and vice versa. If there's a kids pool she probably won't want to be there if she hasn't got young kids so that's always an option too!

Instead of paying for ten days hotel, ask db to pay for flights.
Go to the wedding. Ask to be seated away from fam for both ceremony and reception. Be in photos.

Then either fly out or pay for air bnb/couchsurfing to see the country a bit before you go home.

Go for your brother's sake.

Look at ways to minimise any contact with your sister, and make it clear via the family grapevine that any attempts to discuss your issue at the wedding will be shot down as it's not the time or place for it. Basically he should not be dragged into your feud.

I fell out badly with SIL a couple of months before an event for a lovely sibling. What I did was contact my DB and we both (via DB) agreed we would shelve the issue during the event and be cordial and civil to each other and not discuss it. Both of us held up our side of the bargain and it did pave the way to us talking again and we are ok now.

I agree that you should go to the wedding. It's is your bother and his partner's special occasion nit your sister's. It would be hurtful to him if you prioritised your negative feelings about her over your positive feelings towards your brother. Polite to DSis on the day .

Go to the wedding, be civil to your sister if required. Go home.

We had to have a wedding with none of our family at all there as they can't be nice to each other - it was really sad that it had to be like that.

You were right to be angry with your sister but there is no need to let it impact on the rest of the family and a nice occasion.

Wow your sister really was vile and at 15 she should have known better than to treat you like this. Due to my personal circumstances I have read up about sibling rivalry and what I understand is that it is not normal behaviour for a child of 10 and over to be so aggressive to their sibling and especially to a very young child. I am not surprised she took her son’s part over yours. The similarities in age between your ds and her ds and you and her are striking. It sounds as if your parents have a lot to answer for tbh.

Now that you have explained more about the situation, I do think she has very poor boundaries. She is in complete denial and I imagine her son is as well. In this circumstance, I think they could still pose a threat to your ds.

Others have said about going alone. Is this possible? If you do take your ds, remain vigilant. Drink very little. Sleep well and go to bed early. Ask the hotel to put you in a section away from the rest of the group. Do not allow anyone other than yourself to look after your ds. If say your brother organises surprise pampering for all the women, do not attend etc. Prep the family that your ds is very clingy atm and doesn’t want to be left with anyone else. Brush it off as a phase. Don’t get drawn into arguments and so forth.

Sorry, I got it muddled up with another thread and thought the bride was from there

My brother didn’t come to my wedding because he is NC with my Mum. It broke my heart that he couldn’t put it aside for one day to be there for me, with 120 or so other people present, and I doubt it’ll ever stop painful for me to be honest. That being said, this was only one day, not 10.

How long ago did the incident happen? Can you not forgive her?
It must have been awful to hear that about her son (as well as being so for you and yours), and she probably didn't know how to react.

If a few years have passed, your nephew will be different now. You could explain that to your son. It would be a good example to him if you let bygones be bygones.

Go and behave as though nothing ever happened, you'll feel better that you did. Your brother will be very disappointed if you don't go, especially if you hanging on bitterly to something that occurred quite a while ago. Resentment is an ugly emotion.

We all make mistakes you know.

@Rebecca36
"We all make mistakes you know"
Would you forgive a 17 year old who swore repeatedly around your 4 year old and kicked them hard enough to leave a mark?

Then would you forgive the mother who called your 4 year old a nasty little liar, just like his mum?

Then the mother spending the next 16 months telling everyone that her sister and her child talk bollocks...

Nah!!! I don't forgive.

I forgave alot from her, but I won't forgive my child being hurt and upset and then accused of lying!

It’s an invitation not a summons. Don’t go if your not going to be able to enjoy it.

I agree with PPs rise above it, it's very generous of your DB to pay for your accommodation, and it would be such a shame to miss his wedding. The issue isn't to do with him and he's inviting everyone as he probably didn't want his wedding to be a reason for further feuds and rifts. This is an old situation you have dealt with, don't let it continue to affect your life and other relationships.

The childhood stuff is different, but I don't think there's anything wrong with leaving a DN with a 17 year old cousin, you even said she didn't know he was taking drugs and that he would behave in that way. She has believed her son over yours and I get why that and her reaction upsets you, i agree with your decision to go NC but it is odd your six year old still remembers them and says he never wants to see them, why are you even talking about them in front of him? You need to move forward, it's not stopping her going, don't let it stop you.

I would go and celebrate with your brother. You would only really have to be in the same room as her for the actual wedding and should easily be able to avoid her the rest of the time in a big resort.

I completely understand why you are NC.

I don’t think you have to forgive her because she’s still doing it. Sure if she came to you after it happened and apologised for calling you and DS a liar etc then that would be different but that’s not the situation.

If I were you I’d look into the hotel, the area etc and see if there’s enough space and things to do that you will barely see them and factor that into your decision.

Also factor in potential losing your brother.

Is it worth it? Which does more harm? Is it likely there will be a confrontation or just background snide comments or possible just ignoring each other?

@MrsStrowman
"Why are you even talking about them in front of him"
As I said previously, it has come up when he has seen their pictures at my mum's and I have quickly acknowledged and distracted.

Ah I feel for you! What a shitty situation!! I have had these feelings too and I’ve always managed to put the brother figure first and go. But I’ll be honest it takes a lot out of me and I hate every minute.

How far is the wedding (what continent even?) I think I’d tell my brother that I needed to stay in a different resort and that I’d come to the wedding and maybe see him during the holiday but would be staying away from the sister.

I’d defo take my son!! No way would I let him miss a holiday. I’d tell him there’s nothing to fear, that I’m there and it’s one day. We’re having a lovely holiday. I think 6 is too young to make such a decision but that’s just my opinion.

I really feel for you in this, I think it’s worse than people realise tbh 😘

I think the key point here is this is a not very nice incident and a relationship you are well shot of, but don't let it affect other family relationships, you'll regret not being there for your brother's wedding and it'll be a nice holiday for you and DCs. Rise above it and ignore her.

Do you want your sisters shitty behaviour to control the things you do?

If not, go.

If she talks to you give short answers, but nothing else.

Once wedding is over, don't speak to her again.

Your brother shouldn't be punished for his sisters actions.

My sister was violent when I grew up. Diagnosed with borderline schizophrenia (whatever that is) and spent most of my childhood frightened of her, not able to have friends over etc. My other sister who is her step sister got a massive brunt of it and bullied at school because of it (they were a year apart).

She's never apologised to me for hitting me or the fact that she ruined my 18th saying she didn't get a big party etc.

I invited her to my wedding but luckily she declined. I did so because I went to hers and I'm someone who thinks you should treat people how you want to be treated. My other sister hates her but says it was my decision to make and she cannot demand she not be there.

It's not easy when you have a family member who repeatedly fuck up everything especially if other family members still see them. But by refusing to go, you're allowing her bad behaviour to dictate your happiness and that is not how that behaviour should be awarded.

I hope you do go and show how strong you can be.

Be the bigger person op and go.it obviously means so much to your brother for his family to be thete.
You don't have to engage with your sister,be polite.don't get dragged into any arguements.
This is about your brother and his bride to be.
Stay the ten days,enjoy spending time with your family.
Whatever you do,don't not go and don't leave early.
If your dc see's you being positive and looking forward to the event then he will follow your cue.ditto if you are down about it.
It's a wonderful opportunity,don't let the past dictate your future,you will not achieve anything.
Go have a fabulous holiday with a wonderful wedding.

What's your Mums role here, OP?

I think I'd go, but for absolutely as little time as possible. How would you feel if you didn't?