To miss my brother's wedding

[MrsPuff5]

My brother is getting married. It's a destination wedding and will last over a few days. I am pleased for him and his wife to be and would love to be there. They have offered to pay for everyone to stay at the hotel for 10 days, which is the only way I could go as could not afford it myself.

The issue is he has invited my sister (also his sister) and family. I am NC with my sister for a whole host of reasons that stem from our childhood but the final straw was when she looked after one of my children, she left them with her 17 year old son for an hour without my permission or knowledge. I later found out that her son had taken drugs (which she didn't know about) and her son swore at my 4 year old and was erratic and scared him. He also kicked him away when he annoyed him, hard enough to leave a mark. When I found out I waited until I was calm and confronted her, thinking she would be devestated. Instead she got angry, swore at me and called me and my child liars and tells anyone who will listen that we are liars. I stopped all contact immediately. My child is now six and has said he never wants to see either of them again. Nor do I. My brother knows the situation but has chosen to stay out of it.

How can I stay at a hotel with these people, I can't even bear to be in the same room. It has taken alot to go NC and caused me a lot of sadness and took me a long while to come to terms with what happened and also with dealing with other aspects or our relationship when we were young. If I see them I feel like like I would go backwards. I also don't want to leave my son at home for the wedding, but respect his right not to want to go too.

My brother will be angry and upset if we don't go, and has said he doesn't know if he could forgive us missing his wedding. I don't know what to do!

If the brother can't understand the Op doesn't want to spend 10 days, I mean 10 fucking days with someone she hates, then he is the arse

How is he an arse? He is still in contact with both his sisters so I am not exactly sure what else he was expected to do regarding his wedding.

1. He invites the Op and not her sister, he's an arse for taking sides.
2. He invites the Op's sister but not the Op, he's an arse for taking sides.
3. He invites neither sister, he's an arse for not inviting them.
4. He invites both sisters, whom he loves and hopes they can get along for his wedding. He even agrees to pay their accommodation for 10 days abroad, he's still an arse.

Seriously please explain exactly how the poor bloke can approach the situation without being an arse?

Gosh OP is getting some really unkind comments!
Looking at you @user139328237

There are some nasty posts, try to ignore them.

Lots of other varied opinions worth weighing up.

If I substituted your brother for my best friend, I’d go. I’d stay away from your system and nephew and I’d promise my DS he wouldn’t be left with anyone nor have to ‘be nice’ to them. I’d go because I would want to be there for my best friend. My actual brother not so much. We don’t get on hugely well anymore and I could live with telling him I’m not going if sister & nephew are.

Basically, do what YOU want to do. Do what will leave you happiest, long after the wedding day.

By ‘not choosing sides’ Your brother is really choosing her side. You do what’s best for you.

I know it's hard but this isn't about you put your differences to the side and be there for your brother. You do not have to speak to her or even look her way just pretend she doesn't exist.

You will regret going if you don't, and your brother might not forgive you if you don't. Just go, avoid her, bite your tongue if necessary. I would be gutted if my brother didn't come to my hypothetical wedding.

Butlinscanbuggeroff

You’re serious?

What about parents that divorce and don’t particularly like each other?
By your reckoning their children would have to have 2 weddings to expect parents there as not to upset anyone.
People need to grow up and stop being so completely self centred!
She isn’t being asked to interact, just simply be in the same geographical vicinity and be civil or keep a respectful distance. That’s not really a big ask to support someone you love.
Even if they were in separate hotels, it does not change anything. They still have to be in the same room/area for the wedding.

You need to make this decision with your eyes open. Not going to a siblings wedding is a big statement. People will say ‘it’s just a party’ but it isn’t. Births, marriages and deaths are the events people gather around, they are symbolic and they aren’t ‘just a day’.

You haven’t gone into childhood stuff so I can’t comment in the full context but I do agree with this:

FWIW, MOST of us would consider a 17yo more than capable of looking after a 4yo for an hour, and sadly the 17yo let his mother down first and foremost. I don't think your DSis was the one who made a mistake in the first instance, her reaction wasn't helpful, but she defended her DS, it's not always logical or correct, but it happens. Some mums think their kids can do no wrong.

I was figuring out how to say this but hissy said it well. It doesn’t justify her reaction but she was just defending her son. But to still be keeping up the charade shows she’s someone who is all about saving her/his face.

I would go.

You say you aren’t making your brother chose but you are. Adults are expected to do slightly unpleasant things sometimes. We’re not all islands we live in a context and you family is part of the context. No going will cast a shadow with your brother. And he will, accurately, tell people ‘my sister chose not to come to my wedding even though I was fully paying for her and her fsmily’.

Put your brother first, ignore your sister. Job done.

Butlinscanbuggeroff
I agree with that sentiment actually. Knowing the dynamic between his two siblings, ops brother also needs to understand she shouldn’t just bend to his will. An afternoon and evening at a wedding is completely different from 10 days cooped up in a hotel.

I’m really struggling to know what I would do in your situation op. My brother was awful to me as a child. There was sexual harassment as well used simply to destroy my confidence. I’m now nc as he was violent to me, hopefully for the last time. He and my mother are in complete denial even though she was present both during the violence last year and some of the sexual harassment, verbal and physical abuse as a child. I don’t have another sibling. But if it were me, I wouldn’t be able to go as I’m disabled and am too frightened to be in his presence. My dd feels the same way too.

You otoh seem angry rather than scared and understandably want to protect your ds. Dh and I went nc with my brother and his wife when dd was much younger due to a situation, where she was hurt and it was their responsibility and they chose not to be responsible but horrid. In that scenario I would have gone to the event. We did start to see them again after a considerable length of time and only once they finally became reasonable again. But it was short lived and since then my brother has stepped up the threats of violence and the nastiness from him and his wife continued both to dd and to me.

Is this what you are afraid of? Of your sister and her son being even worse to you and your ds? It wouldn’t surprise me tbh that they couldn’t keep their countenance for a prolonged period. It came to a point, where my brother couldn’t be in my presence without making a nasty dig disguised as a joke.

I’m sorry but unfortunately this seems a situation, where you’ve been set up to lose whatever you do.

How far away is the wedding? Would it be possible to just go for 2/3 nights and stay well away from the wedding party apart from the actual wedding bit?

I wouldn't go because it is abroad. Unless the bride is from that country/the couple live there, I wouldn't consider it, it's too much hassle. Tell your brother and his wife to be that you'll celebrate with them when they get back - then either take them out for a nice meal or cook one for them. Write a card or do a video message for them to open/watch on their big day. Don't make it about you and your sister!

I think you have to go.

If you don't your sister then has opportunity (if inclined ) to say mean things about you

" puff and I aren't speaking, not sure why, there was a situation where little puff told some lies about puffssisterchild , puff believed them and has refused to speak to me ever since. Yes, such a shame she couldn't be mature enough to come to puffbrotherswedding, I know he's really upset about the whole thing.."

Whereas if you go you can say " yes, I'm afraid puffsister and I are estranged. I don't want to go into details because other family members are involved but i can't forgive her for it. The important thing is I am here to support puffs brother and puffssisterinlaw. "

People are saying put the brother first. What about the OP’s child who has said he doesn’t want to see them again. Should the child be made to interact with people who have yelled and kicked them?

I think only you can know how she might react.

Is she likely to make a scene? Is she likely to want a dramatic reconciliation? You mention your mum - where do your parents sit on the issue? Will they support one of you over the other, or will they try and remain neutral?

On the other side, when my sister got married, her MIL made it all about how stressed and uncomfortable she was going to be at being in the same room as her ex husband (ex of approx 25 years at that point) and refused point blank to go if "the other woman" (again, of 25 years) was invited. It put a huge amount of stress on my lovely BIL and it tainted the wedding preparations and some of the day for them, as they were both stressed and anxious about how MIL would react. She was po faced all day, but didn't cause any arguments in the end, but they were scared that it would be tears and playing the victim.

In your situation, I would say to friendly family members " I want to go to brother's wedding, and I don't want to stress him out or cause any issues. However, I am very nervous of seeing Sis again. It would be great if you could keep an eye on the situation, and if you see her heading in my direction, if you could head her off at the pass. I'm not asking you to take sides, but I'd rather not have any sort of confrontation or awkwardness at the wedding".

Re your son, do you have a partner and could you either leave them both at home, or say that your son is to stick with your partner and not to worry about "silly" cousin. Say that cousin is a lot more grown up now, and in any case won't be a problem at the wedding. I can't help thinking that if he still remembers an incident like that 2 years later he's had some help in remembering it. I'm not saying you've blown it up, but when my daughter was 4 she broke her leg, and had forgotten when we mentioned it at 6. It was quite a traumatic thing at the time, but as it hadn't been discussed since, she had forgotten about it.

We're all guilty of talking about situations in front of our children without realising they're listening and absorbing. Your nephew doesn't sound like a monster, just was self absorbed and stupid and on drugs. His behaviour was scary to a 4 year old, but if that's the only example you've ever seen of it, it's a lot to tar him with a scary, evil brush in the eyes of your son.

Do you think it's possible that you could sit down with your sister in advance and talk things over. It sounds like a situation that has been blown out of proportion - I wouldn't have an issue with my 17 year old nephew looking after my kids for an hour and would trust my sister to make that decision without consulting me. If she knew he was on drugs or behaving erratically that's different. but your post reads as though she didn't know at the time. She's probably sorry for her error, but has gone all tiger mum about it, as often people do attack when they feel their children are being maligned, rightly or wrongly.

In any case I think you should go and not stress your brother out about it. 10 days is a long time, so unless it's 10 days of planned activities, make the most of the holiday and go off and sightsee the rest of the time, and enjoy it!

Will there be other people/family that you do talk to there? You won't have to be sat in the corner while she lords it around the room?

landofgiants the bride is from that country

What a horrible situation OP.

Based in what you've typed here, I'd go for your brother who clearly would love you to be there and see if you can just avoid your sister altogether or rise above it and walk away if not possible.

We had a similar issue but not a destination wedding and only 30 to the actual wedding and meal in the afternoon so avoiding was really hard for the people involved. It was MIL and DSIL who hadn't spoken in years and my DH would have been gutted had neither come. DSIL and an aunt also hadn't spoken. We were very sensitive re where everyone sat etc and so grateful they rose above it for our day.

What about the OP’s child who has said he doesn’t want to see them again. Should the child be made to interact with people who have yelled and kicked them?

He is 4 and has not seen this person in 2 years, I am amazed he has remembered it so vividly and at his determination to never see this person again.

Honestly I think the only reason he would remember this incident and associate so much fear of the OPs sisters son is if it had been discussed frequently in the 2 years since it occurred.

Most children at 4 would have forgotten something which happened 2 years ago.

I don’t think it is fair to so readily dismiss the feelings of a small child. Adults did this repeatedly with me as a child yet I remember things from a younger age than 4, especially things, which were out of the ordinary. Two, which come to mind immediately when I was 2 or almost 3. One was pleasant and other was of witnessing violence. I know the age because I can pinpoint when the particular incident occurred for various reasons.

I would be surprised if ops ds didn’t have any memory of the incident and don’t think it is necessarily indicative of it being discussed a lot. Neither of the two incidents I described above were mentioned again, especially the violence, which is one, I only started to discuss as an adult with my therapist. It was something my parents made me watch age 2. The fear I felt that day is something I internalised and has stayed with me ever since. Why should ops ds feel any differently?

I would say that your brother needs to seek assurance from sister that she and her son will behave, provide him your assurance that if you go you would be civil and not create any drama but he needs to be able to say sister will be the same. I would go personally - as long as he understands that if sister makes it difficult at all then he needs to pay for one of you to fly home early.

You don't have to interact with sister and her son, though. You can go and maintain a civil distance. Do you have to go for ten whole days though? Seems too long.

Go for a few days and be polite and pleased for your brother.

If you don’t go you are going to lose the good relationship you have with another sibling. Who knows, you may even build a bridge with your sister if you can both rise above your past?

Not easy but this time you should put your brother first.

That sounds really hard. Could you go and leave your DS at home so he doesn’t have to see your sister and her family?

I'd miss the wedding, explain why if they ask. But ask to celebrate by taking them for a meal on their return.

OP, YOU have to decide if your brother is worth more to you than a disagreement with your sister.

Yes your nephew behaved badly, but that is well and truly ON HIM. Yous sister backed her son, MOST parents would. Maybe your nephew has grown up a bit? maybe he's not the same idiot he was a couple of years ago.

Your DS is ok, you are ok, your DB IS important to you. You have done nothing wrong, and more importantly, your DB has done nothing wrong either.

He wants his family there. YABU to expect HIM to choose between the 2 of you.

Im NC with my parents, I have done so because of the way my DS was treated by them directly. I get it, but I think you should go and support your DB.

There will be plenty of opportunities for you to do other things, you can discuss your concerns with your DB, but she doesn't sound unhinged like some other siblings we hear of, she defended her DS, perhaps wrongfully, but you don't in essence know the full extent of things going on with her and him.

If ever there was an occasion that is an olive branch, it's this occasion.

This is a horrid situation.

If it were me, I'd go but not take my children. They don't need to be there. You need to support your brother and be civil but be prepared that your sister may not be the same.