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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To miss my brother's wedding

99 replies

MrsPuff5 · 13/09/2018 09:35

My brother is getting married. It's a destination wedding and will last over a few days. I am pleased for him and his wife to be and would love to be there. They have offered to pay for everyone to stay at the hotel for 10 days, which is the only way I could go as could not afford it myself.

The issue is he has invited my sister (also his sister) and family. I am NC with my sister for a whole host of reasons that stem from our childhood but the final straw was when she looked after one of my children, she left them with her 17 year old son for an hour without my permission or knowledge. I later found out that her son had taken drugs (which she didn't know about) and her son swore at my 4 year old and was erratic and scared him. He also kicked him away when he annoyed him, hard enough to leave a mark. When I found out I waited until I was calm and confronted her, thinking she would be devestated. Instead she got angry, swore at me and called me and my child liars and tells anyone who will listen that we are liars. I stopped all contact immediately. My child is now six and has said he never wants to see either of them again. Nor do I. My brother knows the situation but has chosen to stay out of it.

How can I stay at a hotel with these people, I can't even bear to be in the same room. It has taken alot to go NC and caused me a lot of sadness and took me a long while to come to terms with what happened and also with dealing with other aspects or our relationship when we were young. If I see them I feel like like I would go backwards. I also don't want to leave my son at home for the wedding, but respect his right not to want to go too.

My brother will be angry and upset if we don't go, and has said he doesn't know if he could forgive us missing his wedding. I don't know what to do!

OP posts:

MiddleClassProblem · 13/09/2018 19:08

Is it short haul or long haul?

Linning · 13/09/2018 19:33

I am no contact with the oldest of my brothers and don't ever plan on making ammends but I have two younger siblings who I love dearly and if/when they get married I will do everything in my power to be there, regardless of if whether or not my other sibling is attending.

The wedding is about your brother, you do not have to talk or really interact with your sister but if your relationship with your brother matters to you I would consider putting your feud with your sister for a day to be present for your brother, if my brother had a fight amongst themselves I would be very hurt if they couldn't put it aside for a day that was special to me.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 14/09/2018 08:21

This woman was abusive to you as a child and from her son's actions, the apple doesn't fall far the tree. I would pity the son as it seems pretty clear he has this behaviour from his mother. She probably got defensive as it shines a light on her.

Can you ask you brother to pay for flights instead? Tell him you can't wait to see him married but you can't stay 10 days with your abuser. I would go to the wedding , be icy polite to your sister but dont engage and dont allow her around your son. If she demands a hug just say, thats not appropriate is it? And move to other people to engage. If she demands to have it out with you be honest: this is brothers wedding, it is not the time or place to discuss your abuse and your son's actions.

WhateverHappenedToTheHeatwave · 14/09/2018 08:24

And OP it is not abnormal for abused people to minimise their own abuse and then suddenly react when it appears history coukd repeat itself with your sister's minimising and blaming combined with her son's actions, i would have lost all trust, respect and care for her too.

ThanosSavedMe · 14/09/2018 08:29

I would go. Hold your head high and not let her intimidate you. I would also be telling everyone exactly why you no longer speak to her. If she’s spreading lies then you spread the truth.

Why should you miss out on a big family celebration due to her.

Shoxfordian · 14/09/2018 08:33

I think you should go. When you see your sister you can be civil and then go talk to other people. Don't let her stop you having a good time

thatmustbenigelwiththebrie · 14/09/2018 08:55

You are being totally unreasonable. If you're still holding a grudge just politely ignore your sister or be civil for your brothers sake. It's not his fault you've fallen out.

ChasedByBees · 14/09/2018 09:21

I disagree with most here, I wouldn’t go.

I would have also pressed charges at the time too, what your nephew did was criminal.

HeadsDownThumbsUpEveryone · 14/09/2018 10:08

I disagree with most here, I wouldn’t go.

The trouble is it wont bother her sister a jot if the OP doesn't go. The only people who will suffer are her brother and his wife. Why punish them by not going, it's hardly his fault they are no contact, but he is the only one who will be hurt by her decision not to attend.

ChasedByBees · 14/09/2018 10:35

Her brother and his wife won’t ‘suffer’. It will be their wedding day and there will be lots of people with them. They can catch up with OP before or afterwards and actually spend some time together. At the wedding it’ll be so busy the happy couple won’t have time to see everyone in any depth anyway. OP will be the one that ‘suffers’ or misses out but she doesn’t want to go.

SusanneLinder · 14/09/2018 11:33

I would go. DH has been in a similar situation and it was fairly easy for us to avoid a family member. We just didn't speak to the person. No atmosphere, we sat apart and they just didn't exist.
We didn't want the person who's wedding it was to feel they had to choose sides, so we went and couldn't have given a FF who was there.

MiddleClassProblem · 14/09/2018 12:06

ChasedByBees I know what you’re saying but it’s not entirely true. He said he didn’t know if he could forgive them for missing it (although that sounds like emotional blackmail to me) and OP said he’d be angry and upset.

Izzygrey · 14/09/2018 13:41

I wouldn't go. I wouldn't put myself and my child in a situation where we both felt unhappy and awkward, especially if my child may still be frightened of her son.

5foot5 · 14/09/2018 14:04

I think you should go.

If you don't go you give her the opportunity to turn this and the rest of the family against you. And unfortunately if your brother is trying to stay neutral it will look like your's is the bigger betrayal.

If you go but are calm and polite and don't rise to any of her nastiness then you will look the bigger person and perhaps people will be able to form their own conclusions about who to believe in future.

If you present it to your DS as a fun and exciting holiday to see his uncle married, and do any other fun things in the area that you find out about, that should overcome his reservations about his cousin. It's not as if he will be left alone with him again.

Purpleartichoke · 14/09/2018 14:06

I wouldn’t miss a siblings wedding if I could avoid it. I would attend, but leave your kids at home. It wasn’t clear from the OP if they were invited as well.

JennyWoodentop · 14/09/2018 14:40

I wouldn't go unless I could make arrangements to stay at a different hotel - and OP may not be able to afford that & the brother probably would not want to pay for that.

It is one thing to go to a ceremony & a meal & sit as far as you can from someone & avoid engaging with them, it is quite another thing to stay in the same hotel - maybe on the same floor or even next door to them. If they start berating you at the meal & you try to leave & they follow you to your room, you keep ending up in the elevator with them, you end up in the dining room together for breakfast the next day.......... it's all a bit difficult. If you can arrive for the ceremony, have the meal, say a few hellos & then get in a taxi back to a different hotel, that's possibly manageable.

Every family is different, but no contact rather than low contact can mean just this - that you end up not going to family gatherings & weddings etc if the other person will be there, and other family members will not always support you in that & you end up estranged from them too - that is why on so many threads there is good advice about not taking the decision lightly to go no contact.

moredoll · 14/09/2018 14:45

what user said

MorningsEleven · 14/09/2018 14:49

Ten days with someone you've gone NC with? Not a chance. It's all very well people saying your brother might be upset if you don't go but even more upsetting if your sister kicks off and causes a huge scene.

Gazelda · 14/09/2018 14:54

I sympathise with you OP.
And I sympathise with your DB.
If you don't go however, he will possibly deduce that your desire to not see your DSis is stronger than your desire to share on his special day.
That would hurt enormously and might affect the relationship between you.

Andro · 14/09/2018 15:05

How is he an arse?

because of:

My brother will be angry and upset if we don't go, and has said he doesn't know if he could forgive us missing his wedding.

If OP refuses to spend 10 days with someone she detests and someone who assaulted her ds (her sister and nephew respectively) and subject her son to the same people her brother may not forgive her...hello emotional blackmail!

NervousPotato · 14/09/2018 15:11

I don’t know why people are being rude about the brother, he cant pick and choose between his sisters when he wasn’t involved in the incident. He has chosen to be a decent human and invite both, knowing that there could be tension on his big day.

I personally would go, but just keep to yourself and try to avoid where possible. Its your brothers big day and as you said he would never forgive you – could you handle being NC with BOTH of your siblings?

It will be hard, but it is the right thing to do.

AspieHere · 14/09/2018 15:18

Go but don't acknowledge her presence. And I wouldn't forgive her either.

pollygreen7 · 14/09/2018 15:59

It looks like I'm in the minority here OP but I wouldn't go. Your sister has been abusive to you and now it's happening to your DS. I really wouldn't trust that she wouldn't be at a minimum very awkward and at the most abusive again. I'd say to your brother that as things are still not resolved you don't want it to over shadow his day. Maybe rent a cottage or something when they are back to have a celebration weekend together.

Having an abusive member of my own family I really don't have very much respect for people who decide to be neutral. The 17 year old kicking is horrendous, but IMO your sisters behaviour was far worse in calling your DS a liar. She isn't to be trusted not to make trouble.

ninemillionbicycles · 14/09/2018 20:57

I know people are saying go for your brothers sake, but I would not go for your brothers sake. How can it be anything other than really awkward from what you've described? Especially if your son is afraid of hers? He had no choice but to invite you both really, but for the sake of a harmonious experience I wouldn't go.

I've been to weddings where divorced parents or estranged relatives have gritted their teeth and gone with the "grin and bear it" but it's always so painfully obvious. If you get on well with your brother meet up with him and say "I'm thinking about not coming because of x" and if he's devastated you may have to think again, but he might actually be relived.

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