To be upset friend has ‘abandoned’ us on holiday

[Abandonedabroad]

My mum has kindly paid for me and my two year old DD to go on holiday to Majorca for my birthday present. I’m a lone parent on a low income and haven’t had a holiday abroad for years nor am I likely to be able to afford one for several more so it’s a huge treat and I have been looking forward to it for many months. My mum has paid for the accommodation for me, DD and a friend and flights for me and DD so friend only had to pay for her flight. I invited one of my best friends to come along. I’ve known her for 13 years, trust her completely, have been on holiday with her before and have never had so much as a cross word let alone an argument with her. She adores DD and is great with her.

Friend wanted to hire a car which I wasn’t bothered about, but she was keen and I offered to go halves but she said she was happy to pay for it as she was getting the holiday free. On that basis I decided to bring DD’s (big, heavy) car seat as it seemed tricky to book one for the hire car and after getting advice on here seemed a better idea overall.

We flew out two days ago. DD had never been on a plane before and was tearful and clingy so it was a huge help to have friend there and would have been a nightmare without her.

We’ve all three of us been suffering with a cold/chesty cough thing since being here but not incapacitated and everyone has been up and about and functioning ok.

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home. I was just in shock and tried asking why but friend just kept repeating she felt ill and was leaving. I got quite panicky and angry and we argued but she’s gone. She took the car seat out of the hire car, brought it up to the apartment and left in the hire car.

I’m just in shock. There’s eight days left of the holiday, I’ve got more luggage than I can carry and I’m on my own with a two year old.

No other friends can come out at short notice.

My boyfriend can’t leave to come here as he’s housesitting. He called my friend to try to figure things out and she said she felt terrible but she had to be by herself and had been dealing with stress building up for a while. I feel bad that she isn’t feeling good but I’m hurt and angry that she’s left me in this situation. I haven’t heard from her since she left this afternoon.

What the fuck do I do? I’ll have to get a taxi to the airport when the time comes but not sure how to book one, it’s a small town and my Spanish is not great.

I would come home early but a) my mum has paid for this and would be really upset so I’m going to have to brave it out and say I had a brilliant time so as not to hurt her feelings and b) leaving early doesn’t actually solve any of the problems of carrying all the stuff and dealing with DD on my own on the plane (she has already informed me several times that she does not like the plane and isn’t going on it 😐) so I might as well stay till the end.

I’m just so bewildered and shocked and perhaps I am being selfish if friend is having some kind of crisis but I just don’t feel like speaking to her again after this

I'm not being a dick.

"If she was struggling with her mental health surely she would have said more than she did."

Not necessarily. Many sufferers become extremely careful in keeping their problems private, even from close friends/family. If there is an outward sign in their behaviour, they may say nothing rather than out themselves, even if that means a friend rejects them for appearing rude/erratic.

Also I don't agree with a PP that if she's well enough to do X she's well enough to do Y. One seemingly everyday situation can be massively triggering or stressful, and another cause no stress at all.

Bloody hell some of these comments are shocking. Of course most people would have a momentary flap and be “wtf” being left in the shit.

Womaningreen. Op said that she wouldn’t have booked the place she did had it been just her and her dd. So in addition to offering her friend a free holiday, she booked somewhere to suit her friend instead of spending the money her mother offered on a child friendly resort, where all the amenities would have been in easy reach. This for a friend, who then decided to up sticks and leave.

Idk if I were in this situation whether a friendship like this could recover and be damned if I’d be interested in why the friend left especially as it doesn’t sound like a mh crisis from the way op is describing it.

Yes, I don't understand either. Why is the OP such a wimp yet the friend has to be excused?

Perhaps the OP did rather over-rely on her friend; perhaps the toddler is a bit of a handful; perhaps the friend was dying of boredom - but the fact is the arrangement was made and it behoves a decent friend to see it through (and then complain to all and sundry and even on MN what a bloody nightmare the holiday was!).

OP if it's any consolation I had never done a trip alone with my eldest until he was 2 when I suddenly had to take an international train with him and loads of luggage. He was a massively high needs child - couldn't sit still in a cafe let alone a train and he also got travel sick so I was absolutely dreading it. I also didn't know how to fold and unfold the buggy because we never needed to at home (we had no car and DH always did it on the rare occasions we had to).

In the end I managed fine and it gave me a lot more confidence with him. I also found that strangers were incredibly helpful. I still remember the lovely Canadian grandad who helped me unfold the buggy while DS was screaming (he was so sweet and said it gave him lovely memories of when his were small). Good luck and don't feel bad about being apprehensive (when I confessed to being worried about the trip my Mil told me that she had managed a transatlantic flight on her own with two not quite potty trained toddlers and I was being an idiot for worrying).

OP I'm sorry the holiday isn't working as you hoped. Despite the disappointment of your friend leaving, you do sound perfectly capable and I hope you find a way to enjoy at least some of the rest of your holiday.

It's not the being left alone that I necessarily disagree with (although it's hardly the end of the world as I said already). It's the part where the OP says she's considering stopping speaking to her friend for 'abandoning' her.

She wasn't abandoned. She's a fully grown adult and parent. The friend had no obligation to look after her. Now, if she just fucked off because she changed her mind, then that's pretty shitty, but based on the OPs original post, that didn't appear to be the case.

She's now added a drip-feed to say said friend has form for being flaky

I'll probably get deleted again, but WHY is it ok for the friend to potentially have a MH crisis and abandon ship, but not ok for OP to be panicking about being left in the lurch? Did this friend, if she does have issues (which is purely speculative), not think she'd be giving the OP issues too?

I think I'd be ok in Spain, but if a friend bailed on me in, let's say, India, where I have no hope of communicating at all, I would be paralysed with hopelessness. The very fact that the OP needed a companion on her holiday indicates that she is not the super coping, brave and resilient person that numerous posters expect her to be.

Because ultimately making sure that the child is looked after and transported where they need to be is the ops responsibility not her friends. It seems like all the logistics were left down to the friend to sort out and the op had no back up plan. The friend can just go home because she isn’t responsible for the op or her 2yr old.

Thanks (mostly) everyone! We’ve had a lovely morning, went down to the pool where DD’s confidence is improving massively, went for s walk around the garden and found some almonds and olives. I’m actually enjoying the toddler pace and the fact we don’t have to think about what another adult wants to do. I phoned a local taxi company this morning who quoted €70 for a taxi to the airport in a week. I know I can manage all the logistical stuff, I just feel really sad that I’ve probably lost one if my best friends, really didn’t expect this to happen.

But we’re enjoying our holiday, it’s all fine.

Hoping DD will fall asleep soon so that I can have a siesta myself, was up with an overactive mind until about 4am this morning!

Thanks again to those who have understood and been kind and helpful, it’s really made a difference.

Well if she wasn't up to handling her child on holiday alone then she shouldn't have gone at all. It wasn't fair to place such an expectation on the friend (unless it had all been explained and agreed in advance, but I highly doubt that).

What if the friend had, God forbid, fallen seriously ill or had an accident? Had to fly back to attend to something important? What would the OP have done then?

OP Not meaning to be unkind but there's not really a huge amount you can do about this now. Your options are simple:

1. You mope around feeling depressed and hard done by and waste this opportunity.

Or

2. You toughen up, and turn this disaster into the absolutely best holiday ever for you and your daughter.

I would do the latter.

You're in a great place for friendly locals and accessible help with taxis etc.

Do as much as you can, make the most of it and this could end up being the best holiday you've ever had.

And your friend? I would give her a chance to explain without getting angry. Sometimes people go through difficult things and deal with them in strange ways.

Or she's just been a bit of a twat. Once you've discovered which, you can decide where your friendship will go in the future.

Good luck!

@DeltaG I am handling it though. Taxi is booked and we’re having fun. I had a wobble last night as it was a shock but I’m ok now. You seem quite angry

I happily travelled on my own with my DC when they were little. However, my approach to packing, transport, type of accomodation etc would be very different if travelling on my own than if travelling with DH or someone else so I can understand your initial panic.Sounds like you are now on top of it though.

It also sounds like the place you are staying is not ideal without a car, so again I imagine that if you had known from
the outset you would be on your own you would either have booked your own car or stayed somewhere different. Are there enough places that you and DC can get to in order to amuse yourselves now that you no longer have a car?

One thought i had about your friend is whether she is struggling with fertility issues and found it much harder to be with your DC than she expected. Impossible ot guess though and I think you are right to forget about her for now and decide whether you are interested in hearing her out on return.

Pleased to see your update OP FWIW I’d have been initially worried and fed up like you, but, just as you’re planning to, would be confident I could have a lovely holiday anyway. Hope you have lovely hols and that you get to the bottom of what was going on with your friend once you’re back.

More perplexed than angry. But glad it's going well for you, no doubt it will continue and you will have a great holiday.

I would wait to find out what happened with your friend before deciding what to do about your friendship.

You’d have to be a bit stupid to realise that a holiday with a 2 year old and her mum wasn’t going to be that relaxing and you’d have to be pretty mean to think you could go and not have to pitch in. I think your friend has behaved very badly here and those bandying around terms like mental health crisis need to have a word with themselves. It’s not a catch all phrase for ‘can’t understand the reason for something.’ You can’t make assumptions like that based on no evidence. Sometimes going on holiday show friends to be incompatible or selfish or horrible. Not saying that’s the case here but it’s more likely than some of the scenarios here I’m afraid.

This! Crikey, if someone offered to pay for my holiday apart from flights I would assume the plan would be to spend the time together. I would then use my powers of deduction to decide whether that would be something I wanted to do before I accepted.

Even if you'd done something to upset her or she needed some alone time, surely your friend could have just said she didn't want to spend the hol with you but you would still travel back together.

YANBU to feel abandoned and absolutely raging at your friend! I would try and put her out of your mind though and enjoy the rest of your hol once you've got the taxi booked.

Good on you OP. I remember being in France with my DH and my 2 year old and DH came down with proper flu and I can remember the absolute panic of trying work out how I was going to manage everything. In the end, like you, we adjusted our plans and had a 2 year olds holiday - which was lovely. I spent a huge amount of time in the park because that's what he wanted. I bet your friend turns up at the airport to go home with you having had a lovely holiday on her own or with people she's met.

Oh posted before I read your updates! Glad the weather is better and hope you got your siesta

Jesus, there’s no suggestion that op took her friend on holiday to help with childcare??
She took a friend for adult company, like most people do.
Would you berate her like this if there had only been both adults on the holiday, and the friend had fecked off?
Just because she’s an adult and can cope on her own?

Literally just got back from Portugal, Uber is everywhere there and in Spain, also cheaper than local cabs. Get an Uber to the airport you can sort it out on the app on your phone. Just enjoy the holiday. This was our first trip without super late nights, bars, drinking, live music etc as I'm seven months pregnant and we were doing a lot in the day, we usually burn the candle at both ends and come back more exhausted than we went, we're also the hire a car, get out and explore types, and live caving, hiking and climbing. It wasn't the type of holiday I'm used to, it was nice but I preferred our trips before and honestly before I was pregnant I wouldn't have wanted to go away with a friend and their child, you become second parent and everything has to accommodate the child. Your friend is obviously struggling with something else and maybe seeing the reality of holidaying with a small child and being ill on top of it was just too much for her. You've got this, enjoy your time with your daughter.

Yes, if this had been a 50/50 basis, then perhaps the friend could be a bit aggrieved at having a toddler-style holiday (but even then she would have known that one of the participants was under 18!), but as it is she only paid for a flight, so could have surmised that she was there on OP's terms.

My worst holiday was visiting relatives one summer. Accommodation was free and I paid for the flight (of course). I had to do what they wanted when they wanted. I was hysterical after two days and I was trapped there for two weeks, politely grinning. To have upped and left - let alone disappeared in a puff of smoke with no explanation - would have caused a big rift.

some horrible responses on this thread. I assume these are people not dissimilar to the "friend"

I don't mean that she was there on OP's terms regarding having to be a second parent, but rather that if one of your party is 2 years old you are not going to be clubbing or taking hours over nice meals out or able to lie in undisturbed.

I'm glad you've had a good morning OP. I'm sure you can still have a great holiday even if it is a bit different from what you first expected.
I'm usually pretty confident but in the same scenario I would be pretty gobsmacked to be left abroad on my own by someone I thought was a good friend. I don't think I would want a friend lije that - the trust has gone.
For the time being though, stay string, have fun and enjoy the rest of your stay.