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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset friend has ‘abandoned’ us on holiday

540 replies

Abandonedabroad · 12/09/2018 22:20

My mum has kindly paid for me and my two year old DD to go on holiday to Majorca for my birthday present. I’m a lone parent on a low income and haven’t had a holiday abroad for years nor am I likely to be able to afford one for several more so it’s a huge treat and I have been looking forward to it for many months. My mum has paid for the accommodation for me, DD and a friend and flights for me and DD so friend only had to pay for her flight. I invited one of my best friends to come along. I’ve known her for 13 years, trust her completely, have been on holiday with her before and have never had so much as a cross word let alone an argument with her. She adores DD and is great with her.

Friend wanted to hire a car which I wasn’t bothered about, but she was keen and I offered to go halves but she said she was happy to pay for it as she was getting the holiday free. On that basis I decided to bring DD’s (big, heavy) car seat as it seemed tricky to book one for the hire car and after getting advice on here seemed a better idea overall.

We flew out two days ago. DD had never been on a plane before and was tearful and clingy so it was a huge help to have friend there and would have been a nightmare without her.

We’ve all three of us been suffering with a cold/chesty cough thing since being here but not incapacitated and everyone has been up and about and functioning ok.

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home. I was just in shock and tried asking why but friend just kept repeating she felt ill and was leaving. I got quite panicky and angry and we argued but she’s gone. She took the car seat out of the hire car, brought it up to the apartment and left in the hire car.

I’m just in shock. There’s eight days left of the holiday, I’ve got more luggage than I can carry and I’m on my own with a two year old.

No other friends can come out at short notice.

My boyfriend can’t leave to come here as he’s housesitting. He called my friend to try to figure things out and she said she felt terrible but she had to be by herself and had been dealing with stress building up for a while. I feel bad that she isn’t feeling good but I’m hurt and angry that she’s left me in this situation. I haven’t heard from her since she left this afternoon.

What the fuck do I do? I’ll have to get a taxi to the airport when the time comes but not sure how to book one, it’s a small town and my Spanish is not great.

I would come home early but a) my mum has paid for this and would be really upset so I’m going to have to brave it out and say I had a brilliant time so as not to hurt her feelings and b) leaving early doesn’t actually solve any of the problems of carrying all the stuff and dealing with DD on my own on the plane (she has already informed me several times that she does not like the plane and isn’t going on it 😐) so I might as well stay till the end.

I’m just so bewildered and shocked and perhaps I am being selfish if friend is having some kind of crisis but I just don’t feel like speaking to her again after this

OP posts:
auntyflonono · 15/09/2018 17:51

I wonder if she will be on the same flight home!?

SerenaOverjoyed · 16/09/2018 05:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

emmyrose2000 · 16/09/2018 05:33

I'd never speak to her again.

Rebecca36 · 16/09/2018 05:46

Bit harsh in my opinion. If she is a good friend she must be worthy of forgiveness, I expect she feels quite sheepish about leaving op and her child but it's not the end of the world. Nobody died.

There can be nothing (or few things) worse than being on a holiday that you hate, can't cope with and are forced to be in a place where you feel trapped. I'd want to escape if I felt like that.

kalinkafoxtrot45 · 16/09/2018 06:11

Your friend is a bit of an arse. I wouldn’t be bothering with her again. Yes, it probably was doing her head in dealing with a toddler but that’s what toddlers are like. She could have just taken a half day or day out to get some headspace instead of leaving you in the lurch. Glad you are managing to enjoy your holiday.

SerenaOverjoyed · 16/09/2018 06:17

No one died, but it's seriously inconsiderate behaviour. She was given free flights, used them, and then pissed off. It's OP's only chance for a holiday in a few years, it's a shame she was ditched by her friend. It might feel a bit 'end of the world' overwhelming initially to find yourself unexpectedly alone with a toddler abroad for the first time.

There are infinitely worse things than being on a bad holiday, especially if someone else has helped to pay for it.

elessar · 16/09/2018 07:46

@SerenaOverjoyed she paid for her own flights - it was the accommodation (that she left) that was free. So she hasn't got a free holiday of any sort, regardless of whether she behaved badly to her friend.

hdh747 · 16/09/2018 12:37

With all due respect to the lady who has worked in MH for 10 years I knew two very seriously ill schizophrenics. Both were deemed to be okay by very experienced psychiatric professionals hours before a total psychotic breakdown. One had to be disarmed (yes he had managed to procure a gun despite his illness) before being sectioned. The other hanged himself.

And how often do we hear that someone seemed 'totally fine' hours before they commited suicide?

And yet you can proffer a professional opinion from snippets you read on an online forum, not even by the person whose mental health is the subject of discussion?

foxotterhare · 16/09/2018 13:14

While it's possible friend is unwell, I can't help but feel sceptical about this if she managed the journey and seemed otherwise on form.

What have you been doing in MH for ten years? Mopping the floors?

CosyLulu · 16/09/2018 13:26

hdh747 presumably the two people you are talking about were known to be schizophrenic? And wouldn't the OP would know if her friend had a serious mental health issue of that degree? I'm not sure what your point is. We should all be worried that our friends that we go on holiday with might possibly have a major psychiatric breakdown and attempt to shoot us? I mean how many eventualities are you supposed to account for?

MissLingoss · 16/09/2018 13:26

I'm sure OP would have let her sit a few days out

What??? OP isn't the friend's employer. She doesn't get to 'let' her do anything.

If the expectation was that, in return for paying for her own flights, and presumably her own food, the friend was there to act as some kind of mother's help or au pair, that should have been made clear when she was invited.

alifromtheforest · 16/09/2018 13:31

I still cannot get over this! It beggars belief. I am DYING to know what her excuse is!

CandidaAlbicans · 16/09/2018 13:37

She has some form for being flaky eg one of my birthdays years ago pre child she was due to come and stay with me and she didn’t turn up, didn’t get in touch, I was extremely worried about her, tried phoning other friends etc then she surfaced about 10 days later full of apologies and couldn’t really explain why she hadn’t bothered

Have posters missed this bit? Seems OP's friend has form, albeit from years ago. Also, why is it that friend was OK to text the BF but not OP? IMHO I wouldn't think that highly of a long term friend who was unable to communicate with me and was prepared to bale out with no explaination, mental health issues or not.

hdh747 · 16/09/2018 13:52

No Cosy, someone would not always know that a friend has serious mental health issues. Check the stats on mental health then work out how many people you know...
I'm not for a minute saying the friend has MH issues, I'm saying we DON'T KNOW. This thread is full of people with their own guesses -fair enough we all wonder and would like to know - but presenting those guesses as though they are some kind of fact is total bollocks.
And any health professional who would give a professional opinion based on the very little information we have here would be acting very unprofessionally. And if the opinion is a personal one, then citing professional experience or credentials is irrrelevant and misleading, since doing so implies that the opinion should be given more weight than is warranted.

The OP doesn't need to guess or account for anything. Just enjoy the rest of the holiday then find out if possible or move on if needs be .

CosyLulu · 16/09/2018 14:19

hdh747 but honestly on this thread there have been so many speculations - secret liaisons, planned or other, secret hatred of kids, mental health breakdown. I'm waiting for someone to say that the OP's friend was an MI5 agent, undercover. Everyone is looking for the extreme and the truth is she probably just had a wobble, regretted agreeing to the holiday because when she got there it wasn't what she wanted really. It's probably really all quite boring.

hdh747 · 16/09/2018 14:50

My point exactly cosy, it is all just speculation. Which is fine.
But when someone presents their speculation with, 'as someone who has worked in MH for 10 years' a distinction needs to be drawn very clearly between personal speculation and professional opinion.

skinnysecreteater · 16/09/2018 15:10

It sounds as though your friend may have psychopathic tendencies (and I mean that in a factual way, not as an insult).

Some people literally have no ability to empathise with others, so when they have an instinct that shouts 'run', they just do that without thinking at all how this might affect other people. They can pretend there aren't any consequences by sticking their fingers in their ears, singing 'la la la' and only resurfacing when everyone has calmed down a bit and it's too long ago for people to make a big deal of it.

Is she a 'ghoster' in relationships? I have a friend whose boyfriend of 2 years simply disappeared off the face of the planet and never spoke to her again (she found out he wasn't dead by calling his parents). Still hasn't been in touch 12 years later. For some people it's easier to do that than have an awkward conversation!

GabsAlot · 16/09/2018 15:54

i adore my friends ds but it was hard wshen we went away together(no i didnt leave her)

being with someone for a day versus a whole holiday isnt the same

she still shouldnt have fucked off though

Wauden · 16/09/2018 16:33

Hope your holiday was good. Let us know how you got on. Next time, snorkelling

Delatron · 16/09/2018 18:24

Ahh, I see she has form for flakiness and disappearing, even before toddlers were involved.

SerenaOverjoyed · 16/09/2018 18:50

hdh747 Of course I'm not saying that factually the friend doesn't have a MH problem. I said that I was sceptical. I agree with you that this is all too speculative. I responded to this after seeing that it was consistently asserted that the friend is in crisis. I feel that this repeated speculation could mislead the OP.

SerenaOverjoyed · 16/09/2018 19:18

Ah, just read my initial post. I referenced my job to talk about the term crisis being used to absolve the OP's friend of responsibility. I didn't intend for my view about being sceptical to be taken as my professional view - this is just my personal view (as everyone's is!). I'll remove the initial post.

FinallyHere · 16/09/2018 19:22

And no, we have not been told what the bedroom situation was.

In other visits, she has been prepared to 'bunk down' when visiting OP

hdh747 · 16/09/2018 19:42

Respect SerenaOverjoyed.
It's one of those 'forum communication' issues more than anything. Most of will have certain posts in mind when we respond, but unless we write a novel a lot of what we intend isn't made explicit.

ohshitonit · 16/09/2018 20:59

Can't you just cancel her flight home? I don't see why she should get away with this shit.