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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be upset friend has ‘abandoned’ us on holiday

540 replies

Abandonedabroad · 12/09/2018 22:20

My mum has kindly paid for me and my two year old DD to go on holiday to Majorca for my birthday present. I’m a lone parent on a low income and haven’t had a holiday abroad for years nor am I likely to be able to afford one for several more so it’s a huge treat and I have been looking forward to it for many months. My mum has paid for the accommodation for me, DD and a friend and flights for me and DD so friend only had to pay for her flight. I invited one of my best friends to come along. I’ve known her for 13 years, trust her completely, have been on holiday with her before and have never had so much as a cross word let alone an argument with her. She adores DD and is great with her.

Friend wanted to hire a car which I wasn’t bothered about, but she was keen and I offered to go halves but she said she was happy to pay for it as she was getting the holiday free. On that basis I decided to bring DD’s (big, heavy) car seat as it seemed tricky to book one for the hire car and after getting advice on here seemed a better idea overall.

We flew out two days ago. DD had never been on a plane before and was tearful and clingy so it was a huge help to have friend there and would have been a nightmare without her.

We’ve all three of us been suffering with a cold/chesty cough thing since being here but not incapacitated and everyone has been up and about and functioning ok.

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home. I was just in shock and tried asking why but friend just kept repeating she felt ill and was leaving. I got quite panicky and angry and we argued but she’s gone. She took the car seat out of the hire car, brought it up to the apartment and left in the hire car.

I’m just in shock. There’s eight days left of the holiday, I’ve got more luggage than I can carry and I’m on my own with a two year old.

No other friends can come out at short notice.

My boyfriend can’t leave to come here as he’s housesitting. He called my friend to try to figure things out and she said she felt terrible but she had to be by herself and had been dealing with stress building up for a while. I feel bad that she isn’t feeling good but I’m hurt and angry that she’s left me in this situation. I haven’t heard from her since she left this afternoon.

What the fuck do I do? I’ll have to get a taxi to the airport when the time comes but not sure how to book one, it’s a small town and my Spanish is not great.

I would come home early but a) my mum has paid for this and would be really upset so I’m going to have to brave it out and say I had a brilliant time so as not to hurt her feelings and b) leaving early doesn’t actually solve any of the problems of carrying all the stuff and dealing with DD on my own on the plane (she has already informed me several times that she does not like the plane and isn’t going on it 😐) so I might as well stay till the end.

I’m just so bewildered and shocked and perhaps I am being selfish if friend is having some kind of crisis but I just don’t feel like speaking to her again after this

OP posts:
Doesntlooklikeanythingtome · 15/09/2018 07:03

OP well done for sorting it out and getting on with your holiday. You’re friend lacks loyalty and compassion. You could be all understanding and forgive her but I’d never trust her again ever. Whatever the reason she legged it and paid no mind to what that would mean for you. Enjoy your time abroad and enjoy the sunshine, food, culture and space.

MumsTheWordYouKnow · 15/09/2018 07:34

Well done for carrying on and sorting it out. How has this friend managed to stay on in Majorca, sounds like she can afford her own holiday and to have not called you direct and apologised is unforgivable. Why would she text your boyfriend instead. Anyway sort that out at home as you should enjoy your own holiday. Perhaps think about making a new mum friend with child the same age to do trips with it will also be nicer for your DD.

YearOfYouRemember · 15/09/2018 07:45

What will you do if she shows up to fly home with you?

Ooforfoxsakeridesagain · 15/09/2018 07:48

Now you know you can do this OP you won’t be worried about going away with you DD again. I get anxious about not speaking/understanding the language. It’s the hardest part. Everything else is just logistics and hard work. Travelling on your own with children is hard, and feels like a lot more responsibility than when you are at home.

OhMyGodTheyKilledKenny · 15/09/2018 07:57

What will you do if she shows up to fly home with you?

I'm starting to think that this might happen.

I reckon that's why she contacted OP's boyfriend to say she was still there as she thinks this will lessen the shock of her turning up at the airport for the flight home.

She'll claim she couldn't get a flight sooner. As for her reason for disappearing.....who knows?!

Anastassiabeaverhausen · 15/09/2018 07:59

Well she found accomodation pretty quickly didn't she. Must have been a much comfier bed.

She's a bitch. Basically she wanted to stay on the holiday, just not with you. I'd have nothing more to do with her.

Delatron · 15/09/2018 08:29

I think friend is massively out of order however I’m guessing things went downhill on the flight when you say she was such a help.

If a 2 year old is kicking off so badly that it takes two of you to cope then that doesn’t bode well for a decent holiday in the eyes of a childless person. I don’t think I went away with my own toddlers let one someone else’s. Her expectations were probably way off.

However, to leave you in the lurch is unforgivable. I wouldn’t be able to stay friends.

IrmaFayLear · 15/09/2018 08:44

Absolutely, Delatron.

The OP says her friend "adores" her dd but I'm thinking that this adoration has been during short visits, not a whole week. When I see friends and their dcs I do an Oscar-winning performance of fun, engaged, interacting auntie-type, and coo to the mum about how wonderful her dc is. Then afterwards have a lie down and thank the good Lord that my dcs are not toddlers any more! Of course many, many dcs are sweet, but even then only for limited periods if they are not your own.

Even if a child is an absolute angel, a week with a mother and toddler would be a child-friendly break, so no boozy dinners, long dinners, nights out, lie ins etc etc. It's different if both have dcs, but this mix is bound to end in tears.

That being said, the friend was bang out of order and however much she was screaming inside, she should have stuck it out and chalked it up to experience.

Delatron · 15/09/2018 08:52

Yes, just re-reading and see you’ve all (including toddler) been ill with cough/cold. You say not too bad but again you’ll be used to less sleep and rest with a 2 year old. Friend wouldn’t be. Now she should have just stayed and put it down to experience. I do think it’s clear why she left though.

LagunaBubbles · 15/09/2018 09:03

Whys your friend contacting your boyfriend and not you?

LoniceraJaponica · 15/09/2018 09:09

I think it sounds rather fishy.

HSMMaCM · 15/09/2018 09:17

If she's still in the country, ask if she'll take the car seat home with her.

Myimaginarycathasfleas · 15/09/2018 09:24

Hope you're enjoying your holiday, OP.

Your friend has let you down badly. My take, fwiw, is that she had been bottling up her frustration at the reality of a holiday with a toddler, on top of being ill, and just snapped internally. She may have been really angry and couldn't trust herself not to get into a big argument with you so took herself off. Poor show though from a so called good friend.

In a perfect world she would get an early flight back. However she may not be able to. You might find she's on the same flight but I doubt she'll be sitting with you. I don't know how you go forward from here but I think this friendship may need a rest.

Taking the positives from this, you've given your DD a lovely holiday with all of your attention. You know now you can handle a holiday on your own, and although you think you can't afford it, you would only have to post a thread for cheap holiday suggestions and MN would kick into gear.

JacNaylor · 15/09/2018 09:26

Hmm, I would LOVE to see the friend post an AIBU with her side of the story. Having read the whole thing I'm still 50/50 about whether she's just a selfish cow who got off so she could do her own thing or whether she was genuinely freaked out and exhausted by the reality of holidaying with a toddler and effectively having to be a second parent for the week.
Regardless, I do think she should have stayed and made a mental note never to do it again, though.
Glad you've enjoyed yourself alone though op, eventually this will turn into a positive for you as you'll have more confidence to do it again. Not sure the friendship will recover though.

CosyLulu · 15/09/2018 10:48

The friend was not forced to go on this holiday. I can’t imagine letting a friend down like this - could she have done something about the incomfortable bef? Told the OP she’d like some quiet days to herself to relax? There were so many other options other than dumping OP and running. She could at least have been aware of helping OP get the car seat back rather than dumping that on her and running. Not a friebd in my opinion.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 15/09/2018 11:03

Just look on it as a positive. It's only the 2 of you. Therefore you can make your own decisions without there being another adult to consider.
I always used to go away on my own with DD.
I loved it.

thenightsky · 15/09/2018 11:15

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home

The above part of the OP says it all... she was fine before she went out alone. Clearly she met someone whilst out alone and got an invite to stay with them.

CantGetDecentNickname · 15/09/2018 11:15

Still in shock at friend’s behaviour. Amazed she couldn’t have talked it through with her longstanding close friend but had to run off instead. OP has done the right thing in checking that she was ok. I would now leave her alone. She ought to apologise to you (not to your partner) and find out if you are ok and coping. I would guess that you won’t hear from her again while in Spain at least. Don’t be surprised if she does turn up at the airport when you do. When you book in online to select your seats 24 hours or so before the flight, try to book seats just for the two of you together so she can sit apart from you. If you do see her, be polite but fully occupied with your child and luggage. Think she would drop down to “acquaintance” if she were my friend, where I would always be polite in company, but not offer anything (meeting up, meals, drinks, phone calls) and would just politely say goodbye on parting. If she wants to remain your friend, she needs to be proactive and put in some effort.

Please don’t just ignore that this happened and carry on as normal to avoid embarrassment. The embarrassment is all hers and she needs to know that you do have hurt feelings about it. Please give us an update when you return. Either way , doubt you will ever fully trust her again and if you do get a holiday in the future (and I hope you do) don’t mention it to her until you get back afterwards. Good luck Flowers

WipsGlitter · 15/09/2018 11:17

The above part of the OP says it all... she was fine before she went out alone. Clearly she met someone whilst out alone and got an invite to stay with them.

So @thenightsky you think in a few hours she met a random stranger and agreed to go and stay with them?! Seems a bit unlikely.

TheresAlwaysAnAskHole · 15/09/2018 11:24

Whether friend was "mentally prepared" to be with a toddler for a holiday or not is irrelevant, she committed to going with you. She could have bowed out and let you take someone else.

My initial thoughts is that she wanted the car beforehand and planned to meet someone and is now having a holiday romance. As she paid for her flight she could have done this without stringing you along and wasting your mother's money on her place!

I accept it could be a MH issue and if that then I take it back but if not she is not a friend worth keeping unless she realises how wrong she has been and makes it right somehow x

crosstalk · 15/09/2018 11:48

Just well done OP - hope you're having a wonderful time in what seems like a gorgeous place. I hope you've pm'd sharpshooter and others for any recommendations on what to do even if you don't get to meet up.

thenightsky · 15/09/2018 11:51

Wips Didn't have to be a stranger, no.

WipsGlitter · 15/09/2018 12:11

So you think hey secretly arranged to meet someone out there? Or bumped into someone they knew?

thenightsky · 15/09/2018 12:14

I don't 'think' anything. I just think it could be a possibility, given they went out alone and then it all kicked off. Does OP know where they went on this solo trip out? Hmm

IrmaFayLear · 15/09/2018 16:05

I think the friend simply went out and booked other accommodation. There’s enough of it in Majorca! She’s probably in a nice hotel with pool etc, rather than in self-catering apartment with coughing toddler.

I too would never speak to this person again, or only in a cold, polite manner. What a crap way to treat a friend, however she was feeling.

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