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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be upset friend has ‘abandoned’ us on holiday

540 replies

Abandonedabroad · 12/09/2018 22:20

My mum has kindly paid for me and my two year old DD to go on holiday to Majorca for my birthday present. I’m a lone parent on a low income and haven’t had a holiday abroad for years nor am I likely to be able to afford one for several more so it’s a huge treat and I have been looking forward to it for many months. My mum has paid for the accommodation for me, DD and a friend and flights for me and DD so friend only had to pay for her flight. I invited one of my best friends to come along. I’ve known her for 13 years, trust her completely, have been on holiday with her before and have never had so much as a cross word let alone an argument with her. She adores DD and is great with her.

Friend wanted to hire a car which I wasn’t bothered about, but she was keen and I offered to go halves but she said she was happy to pay for it as she was getting the holiday free. On that basis I decided to bring DD’s (big, heavy) car seat as it seemed tricky to book one for the hire car and after getting advice on here seemed a better idea overall.

We flew out two days ago. DD had never been on a plane before and was tearful and clingy so it was a huge help to have friend there and would have been a nightmare without her.

We’ve all three of us been suffering with a cold/chesty cough thing since being here but not incapacitated and everyone has been up and about and functioning ok.

Today friend went out for a few hours and on her return announced that she was feeling too unwell, the bed wasn’t comfortable enough and she was going home. I was just in shock and tried asking why but friend just kept repeating she felt ill and was leaving. I got quite panicky and angry and we argued but she’s gone. She took the car seat out of the hire car, brought it up to the apartment and left in the hire car.

I’m just in shock. There’s eight days left of the holiday, I’ve got more luggage than I can carry and I’m on my own with a two year old.

No other friends can come out at short notice.

My boyfriend can’t leave to come here as he’s housesitting. He called my friend to try to figure things out and she said she felt terrible but she had to be by herself and had been dealing with stress building up for a while. I feel bad that she isn’t feeling good but I’m hurt and angry that she’s left me in this situation. I haven’t heard from her since she left this afternoon.

What the fuck do I do? I’ll have to get a taxi to the airport when the time comes but not sure how to book one, it’s a small town and my Spanish is not great.

I would come home early but a) my mum has paid for this and would be really upset so I’m going to have to brave it out and say I had a brilliant time so as not to hurt her feelings and b) leaving early doesn’t actually solve any of the problems of carrying all the stuff and dealing with DD on my own on the plane (she has already informed me several times that she does not like the plane and isn’t going on it 😐) so I might as well stay till the end.

I’m just so bewildered and shocked and perhaps I am being selfish if friend is having some kind of crisis but I just don’t feel like speaking to her again after this

OP posts:
alphajuliet123 · 13/09/2018 13:37

I'd be absolutely furious but also really concerned about her having some kind of breakdown. Not sure I'd be the first one to make contact though, and it would take quite a lot (of explanation/grovelling on her part) to get the friendship back on track.

That said, it sounds quite nice pottering about at toddler pace and great for you two to spend some proper quality time in the sunshine together. Make the most of it and have fun!

LagunaBubbles · 13/09/2018 13:43

I feel the term "mental health" can get used here far too often to excuse behaviour thats bad.

Jujujuile · 13/09/2018 13:45

She went out on her own because the kid was pissing her off. That’s not rocket science.

Sparklyfee · 13/09/2018 13:53

Possibly. But sounds to me she likes the child. Was thinking maybe the OP had said something that was maybe misconstrued? Seems genuinely baffled. But I can't believe she just went home due to feeling ill.

Rebecca36 · 13/09/2018 13:56

Jujujuile Thu 13-Sep-18 13:45:00
She went out on her own because the kid was pissing her off. That’s not rocket science
-

I wondered if that was the reason. Or she could have been feeling really ill and longed for home. She did try!

I hope the op is still enjoying herself with her little one and is open to explanation from friend on return, especially if she is a long term friend.

It's not easy going away with friends, even more so (I would imagine, not done it), if children are involved and you don't have one.

3luckystars · 13/09/2018 13:56

Well done!

Directorofmishaps · 13/09/2018 13:56

Exactly Missillusioned
If I knew I was going on my own with no car that would make me plan differently to going with a long term friend with a vehicle.

Member745520 · 13/09/2018 13:56

I bet your friend turns up at the airport to go home with you having had a lovely holiday on her own or with people she's met

Now that would be interesting Grin

JayoftheRed · 13/09/2018 13:57

The bit I find hardest about the friend leaving is the lack of an explanation.

"Hi, look, I really didn't realise how hands on with your kid I'd need to be, I'm really sorry but I can't do this, I'm knackered, I'm ill, this was meant to be a holiday and actually I just want to go home, so I'm off."

Harsh, but at least she's honest.

"Look, I have been really dealing with some shit at home and I thought a week away in the sun would help, but to be honest, it's making things worse because I keep thinking about stuff at home and I can't do anything about it out here, so I'm going to go home. I'm really sorry to leave you but I have to for my own peace of mind."

Unfortunate and a real shame for all involved but yeah, makes sense.

"I know we've all got this chesty cough bug thing, but to be honest, I feel really rough and really can't cope with having other people around. It's not you, it's not your kid, it's just me, I need to be alone when I'm ill. I'm going to go home early, I really need to just rest and relax and I don't think I can do that here."

Again, unfortunate but if that's how she feels then ok.

"I have come on this holiday with you, understanding that you would have child and she is young and that I might not be able to relax in exactly the manner that I would like, but I am now leaving and I'm not telling you why. I'm also taking your transport, which you didn't want in the first place but I insisted on, and you are now reliant on, so sort yourself out, yeah? Bye."

Not on. And it's sudden and has changed all the goal posts. I'm sure the OP would have been quite happy sorting taxis and stuff if she'd known in advance. But to be left high and dry after making an agreeement, I can't blame her for having a wobble. She has since sorted herself out, got a grip and is now enjoying her holiday and will sort things out or not with her friend later.

If I went somewhere with my kids, and the person I was going with suddenly left and took our transport I'd panic too, although I am more than capable of looking after my kids and the amount of crap that we seem to need to cart about with us. If an agreement is in place and someone reneges on that agreement, the injured party has a right to panic for a minute!

RedSkyLastNight · 13/09/2018 14:04

Friend did explain! She said she felt ill and the bed was uncomfortable. Not unlike your third explanation above ...

Star81 · 13/09/2018 14:10

Right if your In Porto Colom I’d say that’s about and hour in a car to the airport so €80 in a private transfer ie taxi sounds about right.

A private transfer may be easier as the taxi drivers are very helpful and on arrival at the airport would help load luggage onto a trolley for you and generally drop you at the entrance door near where your airline checks in as it’s a huge airport. Plus they will pick you up directly at your accommodation rather than some of the group transfer companies who ask you to go to the nearest hotel complex which wouldn’t be easy solo and with luggage and toddler

Unfortunately that’s not the bit of Mallorca I spend time in so cant give you any taxi numbers but if your out and about and find the taxi rank they will have a board generally detailing the price of fares to various locations on the island and if you just speak to the taxi drivers there they are usually more than happy to take a direct booking. Just remember to get their business card and taxi number so you k ow how to contact them if you need to. Leave about 3 hours before your flight.

ThreeAnkleBiters · 13/09/2018 14:10

The reason I would assume it was mental health (or some other stress she hasn't told OP about) here is because nothing else makes sense. She's been a good friend for years - has no form for being flakey. She pays for flights and transport. It just doesn't make sense to abandon it and pay even more to fly home "just because". If the kid was annoying you (even though it sounds like she already knew DD well and loved her) you'd just make excuses to do stuff on your own rather than waste all that money.

IrmaFayLear · 13/09/2018 14:29

Perhaps during the time she went off out by herself she arranged her flight home...

thenightsky · 13/09/2018 14:39

But three the friend DOES have history of flakiness. She disappeared without a word for 10 whole days when she was supposed to be with OP for her birthday.

Kittykat93 · 13/09/2018 14:39

I would be fuming if I was in the ops position, and don't understand why some people can't see that. The friend has acted in a really shitty way, I would never leave my friend alone with a young child in a foreign country, whether I had a bloody cold or not!!

So glad you're ok op, and have sorted things. Hope you have a lovely holiday from now Thanks

JayoftheRed · 13/09/2018 14:53

Apologies RedSky - I must have missed that bit. And I was so careful to read all the OP's comments so as not to miss anything like that! Gah.

Still seems like a piss poor reason to me, especially as she didn't come across as particularly apologetic - I would be desperately sorry that I didn't feel I had any other option to leave like that, even if I was ill and all I wanted was to go home. I'd do everything I could to try and make things easier, like leaving the hire car, transferring the hire into her name, or helping her book a taxi and anything she might have needed before leaving with her blessing.

But there we are!

Bettercallsaul1 · 13/09/2018 14:57

How much time did your friend spend with you and your daughter before the holiday, Abandoned? You mentioned her coming to stay with you and DD but was it more than a day or so at a time? It sounds as though, when it came to it, she was completely daunted by the prospect of a full week of helping with her after a difficult flight and you all feeling ill. I note as well that it was a chesty complaint she was suffering from - these can make you feel exhausted and really need to rest and sleep. She did say that she couldn't sleep in the bed and so her desertion could have been caused by exhaustion and panic at the thought of a busy week ahead that she didn't feel capable of. She obviously decided to put her own needs first but that is often a sign of desperation. It could have been that, had she stayed on, she might have recovered and felt able to help and even enjoy herself, but at the moment she left, she just felt she couldn't face it.

It's great though, that you're now coping and enjoying your holiday. Discovering that you're able to manage will have given you a permanent boost of confidence for future trips on your own and you may relish the opportunity of holidaying just with your DD in future.

flamingofridays · 13/09/2018 15:03

t's not easy going away with friends, even more so (I would imagine, not done it), if children are involved and you don't have one

nobody made her go did they?

FinallyHere · 13/09/2018 15:06

They only bit she is getting for "free" is a room in an airbnb.

What accommodation was available? Did she have her own room, or was she bunking down as she does when visiting you, OP?

has no form for being flakey.

This was not my reading, more that the 'friend' has only not turned up / disappeared one or twice

But most importantly, i'm glad to read that you are picking up the challenge, have a lovely toddler speed holiday. These early years go past so quickly...

MrsMotherHen · 13/09/2018 15:19

Doing great so far OP taxi is booked so dont have to worry about much else.
Enjoy your holiday Wine

holly30 · 13/09/2018 15:29

I think your friend is obviosuly going through something but it doesn't mean you cant have a great time with DD.

I went to china once in some remote places where no one spoke English and I made it out alive so if things seem bad they really aren't as bad as you think! Stay calm and know that you can deal with whatever situation you are in!

Pinotwoman82 · 13/09/2018 15:49

Enjoy your holiday x

loopylass13 · 13/09/2018 16:25

If you have too much to carry on your own - dump as much as you can before you fly, such as do you need your clothes on the way home. Keep a few of child's in case of accident. I'd leave the car seat behind too. Anything I don't absolutely need, I would leave.

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 13/09/2018 16:35

If op is on the tight budget she claims, it might not be feasible to “just dump” things she’ll then have to replace?

Nikephorus · 13/09/2018 16:48

She went out on her own because the kid was pissing her off. That’s not rocket science
It's not rocket science but it is fiction. OP doesn't actually mention that anywhere. She could just as feasibly have gone out for fresh air, for some exercise, because she was feeling claustrophobic, because she wanted to find a complete stranger to have wild animal sex with, to buy biscuits, to find a church because she was overcome by a desire to be close to God.... We have no idea.
But I'm guessing you're the type to insist that a poster with a DH who comes home late just once is actually married to a serial cheat and should LTB immediately because you like to make people feel crap.