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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be sick of my 'man-child' husband??

79 replies

Doremisofarsogood · 12/09/2018 14:06

Sorry, rant alert but I am so fed up! My DH has always been useless at getting up in the mornings. He sets his alarm, has multiple snoozes, doesn't know which one is the last one and misses it. Gets up late. I do pretty much all the early morning wake ups with our DD (4) through the week and at weekends even if we've both had a late night and usually if I've been out and he's stayed home, I always get up with her. He used to do an early morning shift at work (6.30 till 4) but changed it because he wanted to be there in the mornings to help me get DD ready for nursery (not that I wanted any help, it's easier on my own, he basically wants the nice bit of dropping her off). All that happens on those days is that I get up with DD and he ends up snoozing through his alarm till I wake him up. Sometimes I go for a run before she gets up, I remind him the night before that I'll be doing that and he'll need to get up with his alarm so it's not a mad rush when I get back; 9 times out of 10 I come back and she's up playing in her room and he's still in bed. If I leave him to it, he's late for work and could lose his job if he does it often enough (we can't afford for this to happen), if I have to constantly remind him I feel like his mother. Every now and then he says he'll go to bed earlier which definitely helps. He does it once then forgets. Last night I went out with a friend, got back at 9.30 and said I was going to bed as I was tired. He was on his PS4 (another bane of my life), I reminded him he was doing the early shift and he said yes yes I know) all the time not taking his eyes off the screen. He ended up not setting his alarm for the earlier time, I happened to wake up and made him get out of bed. He had to take the car which I needed today but without it he would have been late. I couldn't have dropped him off as DD was still asleep. Is it U to actually hate him for all of this? Our whole life together has been like this, even before we had DD he was a nightmare, we used to have my SS over and I was the one getting up in the mornings with him while H slept. There are other childlike behaviours - after I've washed dried and ironed all our clothes I put his on the bed for him to put away (I put mine, DD and SS away, don't see why I should put his away as well) - he puts them on a pile on the floor. He doesn't manage to plan anything for his work lunch - we're meant to be eating healthily but if I don't make anything healthy he takes some leftovers out of the freezer which are really kept there for quick meals in the week when we're busy. His PS4 habit is ridiculous - he will not notice anything in the house that needs doing but manages to spend 4 hours in the evening gaming. When I try to talk about any of this he gets angry and accuses me of talking to him like a child - well that's because he's acting like one! Does anyone have any idea how I can deal with this? I can't just leave him to it as a) he will probably lose his job and we can't afford that and b) I would end up doing the majority of caring for DD as well as the house work, cooking, cleaning etc. Is there any hope??!!

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 12/09/2018 15:14

There wasn't hope in my case. I got divorced and now don't spend my life resentful over things I can't control.

He's used to you effectively mothering him.
He might not lose his job for a first instance. He might just get a warning and a wake-up call.

stardewvalley · 12/09/2018 15:51

Sorry - no helpful advice from me but I'm keen to see what others have to say as my OH is exactly the same as yours. If I don't haul him out of bed he will miss work and he has actually lost a job in the past because of this. Sad

Feefeetrixabelle · 12/09/2018 15:54

The next time the man child doesn’t step up take away his ps3. It’s the only way children learn.

MsVestibule · 12/09/2018 15:55

No, there isn't anything further you can do. He knows how much it upsets you and adversely affects your life but doesn't care enough to do anything about it.

I really couldn't live with somebody this selfish. What do you plan to do about it?

Bluntness100 · 12/09/2018 16:01

Honestly id just leave him to it. He knows he won't lose his job as you will prevent it happening.

The reason my husband doesn't pull this shit is because I'd always have left him to it. The reason yours does it is because he can.

I doubt there is any hope if you just keep doing it all and step in to make sure he keeps his job.

Catch 22. You made a rod for your own back.

WhiteCoyote · 12/09/2018 16:05

There’s literally nothing you can do, you can’t forcefully change people (nor do I believe you’d actually want to forcefully change him op).
He won’t change. I wouldn’t stay another week with someone like him. Sorry I know it’s not the answer you want Flowers

hellsbellsmelons · 12/09/2018 16:21

No - there is no hope!
Sorry, but you've been enabling this for years.
Time to stop!

Tobebythesea · 12/09/2018 16:28

Only you can change your behaviour towards him. Stop waking him up and let him deal with the consequences. He is an adult and needs to learn. You are not his mother.

user1488488748 · 12/09/2018 16:36

Oh dear, I’m sorry but he sounds like an utter pig. He’s certainly not going to change whilst you’re still mothering him, why would he? He’s a grown man who IS perfectly capable of waking himself up in the mornings and carrying out tasks around the house. He has become reliant upon you for simple adult tasks and is quite frankly being lazy. Personally I’d let him be late to work and deal with the embarrassment of explaining himself at work.... I’m sure he’d soon be waking up on time after that!

This “man” needs to grow up. Have you had a serious talk to him about this? Because if you have and nothing has changed, I’m afraid I’d be packing his bags

Aquamarine1029 · 12/09/2018 16:41

Your husband is useless, but you HAVE to acknowledge some ownership in this situation. You feel like his mother because you have ALLOWED yourself to take on that role. You can make all of the excuses in the world but you are enabling him. I say a massive shift in how you deal with him is in order.

NEVER wake him up again. Even if it means losing his job. Don't do any of his laundry. Literally, don't do ANYTHING for him. Tell him this is how it's going to be until he starts acting like your husband and not your child. And then stick to it.

GoatWithACoat · 12/09/2018 16:44

I’m sorry OP but you are enabling him. He won’t change as he has no need to. I’d let him lose his job (I know you can’t afford that) but in that case, if possible, I’d get myself
self sufficient enough that I could afford it and let him sink or swim.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 12/09/2018 16:48

Manchild. My best mate had one of these. She kicked him out.

She reckons it's the best decision she ever made - "At least I'm only looking after 2 kids now not three'.

She has never looked back.

Sorry OP, but he's not going to change unless you STOP looking after him and let him fail and face the consequences. Up to you.

miketv · 12/09/2018 16:48

I was in a similar situation. It drove me mad.

Then I got really poorly, he had to do everything. The most I could do was the online food shopping. He had to pull his weight (and mine). Now I'm recovered I've made a conscious effort to let him get on with things and not "take over" again.

Not recommending this OP, but I do think you need to stop enabling him to make him grow up. And if he loses his job maybe it will be a wake up call...

ZenNudist · 12/09/2018 16:49

Tell him you will do as much for him as he does for you. And mean it.

I couldn't live like this. The endless gaming and the teenaged attitude would mean I'd have to sit him down and say this is killing our relationship what do you want to do? Suggest splitting and see if he bucks his ideas up.

Will he disappear from your dds life or woukd he try and see her. If he trirs to keep a relationship going thats a lot harder than pulling his weight as your partner.

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 16:52

Our whole life together has been like this, even before we had DD he was a nightmare, we used to have my SS over and I was the one getting up in the mornings with him while H slept.

Now you know what his ex left him. I'll never ever understand women who, single and childfree, take up with some guy who's got a kid(s), find out they're a lazy selfish pig, but stay with them and procreate with them. Just low standards and no self-esteem I guess. I mean, you got up with his kid whilst he slept? Bet he was made up, he found another mug to do his dirty work.

He doesn't give a shit about you or his kids. He was like this when you met him. You didn't heed the warning signs.

You can either continue enabling him (and bring more children into this crash) or leave. But you won't change him.

ems137 · 12/09/2018 16:53

I too would leave him to it!

I've got sick of my husbands lazy entitled behaviour so I've stopped enabling it. I don't make his pack up anymore, I don't wash any clothes that aren't in the basket, I don't pick up rubbish unless it's to throw it down his side of the bed, I don't buy anything from the supermarket of his that runs out unless asked to etc etc.

He's learning the hard way, clothes aren't getting washed, he's having to draw cash out and order sandwiches, he has no pop in the fridge and his stuff is messy.

Hadalifeonce · 12/09/2018 16:53

Change the wifi password, and don't tell him what it is; that should halt the gaming which is probably the problem behind his over sleeping and bad moods. Sounds like most teenagers I know!

enoughisenough2 · 12/09/2018 16:55

And stop doing his washing please!!! he’s a proper piss taker

Singlenotsingle · 12/09/2018 16:56

Well, you know what Kirstie Allsop did! She smashed the dcs' iPhones, after they spent too much time on them!

RabbitsAreTasty · 12/09/2018 16:57

Stop acting like his mum. Let him feel the consequences.

Are you serious that he would be so feckless as to lose his job? If so, you'd better get a job yourself as soon as you can. You'll be supporting you and DD on your own eventually, maybe him too if you haven't become sick of being his mum.

Sausagerollers · 12/09/2018 16:58

Presumably this is why the mother of his first DC is no longer with him; I bet she's happier than you are now.

eelbecomingforyou · 12/09/2018 16:59

And why did you think he's be a good parent with you if he was shit with his first kids??

What @leftrightcentre says

rainbowstardrops · 12/09/2018 16:59

If he acts like a child then treat him like one!
Either that or leave him.

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/09/2018 16:59

all grown up children leave home - hopefully - and this one needs to leave mum and grow up. it seems you are in part to blame for mothering him. you said yourself he was like it before you had dc, why would you go on to have dc with him if you were already looking after his son whilst his df would sleep and idle around ?

FishesThatFly · 12/09/2018 17:00

He sounds like a complete waste of oxygen. Appart from bringing a wage to the home... what actually is his purpose?

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