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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be sick of my 'man-child' husband??

79 replies

Doremisofarsogood · 12/09/2018 14:06

Sorry, rant alert but I am so fed up! My DH has always been useless at getting up in the mornings. He sets his alarm, has multiple snoozes, doesn't know which one is the last one and misses it. Gets up late. I do pretty much all the early morning wake ups with our DD (4) through the week and at weekends even if we've both had a late night and usually if I've been out and he's stayed home, I always get up with her. He used to do an early morning shift at work (6.30 till 4) but changed it because he wanted to be there in the mornings to help me get DD ready for nursery (not that I wanted any help, it's easier on my own, he basically wants the nice bit of dropping her off). All that happens on those days is that I get up with DD and he ends up snoozing through his alarm till I wake him up. Sometimes I go for a run before she gets up, I remind him the night before that I'll be doing that and he'll need to get up with his alarm so it's not a mad rush when I get back; 9 times out of 10 I come back and she's up playing in her room and he's still in bed. If I leave him to it, he's late for work and could lose his job if he does it often enough (we can't afford for this to happen), if I have to constantly remind him I feel like his mother. Every now and then he says he'll go to bed earlier which definitely helps. He does it once then forgets. Last night I went out with a friend, got back at 9.30 and said I was going to bed as I was tired. He was on his PS4 (another bane of my life), I reminded him he was doing the early shift and he said yes yes I know) all the time not taking his eyes off the screen. He ended up not setting his alarm for the earlier time, I happened to wake up and made him get out of bed. He had to take the car which I needed today but without it he would have been late. I couldn't have dropped him off as DD was still asleep. Is it U to actually hate him for all of this? Our whole life together has been like this, even before we had DD he was a nightmare, we used to have my SS over and I was the one getting up in the mornings with him while H slept. There are other childlike behaviours - after I've washed dried and ironed all our clothes I put his on the bed for him to put away (I put mine, DD and SS away, don't see why I should put his away as well) - he puts them on a pile on the floor. He doesn't manage to plan anything for his work lunch - we're meant to be eating healthily but if I don't make anything healthy he takes some leftovers out of the freezer which are really kept there for quick meals in the week when we're busy. His PS4 habit is ridiculous - he will not notice anything in the house that needs doing but manages to spend 4 hours in the evening gaming. When I try to talk about any of this he gets angry and accuses me of talking to him like a child - well that's because he's acting like one! Does anyone have any idea how I can deal with this? I can't just leave him to it as a) he will probably lose his job and we can't afford that and b) I would end up doing the majority of caring for DD as well as the house work, cooking, cleaning etc. Is there any hope??!!

OP posts:
shonkyklingonmakeup · 12/09/2018 17:01

Nah, he'll only change if he wants to and he doesn't want to.

Maybe a 'Come to Jesus' conversation about WHY doesn't he want to as a last ditch attempt to save your relationship. But honestly, what does he bring to the table? Would you have a nicer life without him?

ReanimatedSGB · 12/09/2018 17:02

Just make plans to leave (or to evict him, depending on what the circumstances are with your home) and do it. There's no point arguing, issuing ultimatums, begging for him to take some responsibility for himself. He thinks you are a combination of mum and servant, and this attitude is impossible to shift.

EleanorLavish · 12/09/2018 17:06

What everyone else said OP.
Out of interest why did you marry him? Sounds like he was like this before??

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/09/2018 17:06

Dh doesn’t get up, which really pisses me off but he’s really good at lots of other stuff so that does compensate a lot. Does yours have any redeeming qualities. Dh actually lost his job recently. Not sacked. Redundant. But yes, I woke him every day.

I think you need to pick your battles with one or two things and stick to it. That’s how I got dh to adapt to things. When we hadn’t been living together long, he hated washing up so it just piled up when it was his turn. I just left it and washed up as required for me or got take away. He now can’t stand seeing dirty dishes around.

LeftRightCentre · 12/09/2018 17:10

What would these men do if they didn't have the little woman waking them up? They wouldn't be able to hold down a job, they'd go on the dole and then get sanctioned for not showing up when they're ordered to do so is what. What a crock of shit. 'I can't get up in the mornings.' That's a pity! Best of luck with that, is about the only appropriate response.

eddielizzard · 12/09/2018 17:26

I agree with everyone else. Stop being his mum. But let me guess - you have to be his mum because if you don't hold everything together it's armageddon and your children will be impacted. Right? So basically you're trying to be 2 adults for your kids. Not a tenable situation.

Personally I'd rather enjoy throwing a bucket of ice cold water over him. Every. Single. Time. He. Hits. That. Snooze. Button.

WhereIsMyDressingGown · 12/09/2018 17:31

The sleep thing I can slightly understand. I am a heavy sleeper and often turn my alarm when I'm still in a sleep state and I don't even remember doing it. Often, I can only be woken up by a person physically waking me up.

But all the other things you mentioned, I cannot empathise with. He is most definitely a man-child. You need to have a sit-down discussion with him about how you feel. If he doesn't promise he'll make changes or he won't even discuss how you feel, you need to leave him. You can't go on being treated like dirt in your own home.

Singlenotsingle · 12/09/2018 17:31

I've got a lodger like that. Educated, intelligent, good well-paid and responsible job but can't get his lazy arse out of bed in the morning. Not my problem but it will be if he falls behind with the rent. No wonder his ExW wanted him gone after a year on the dole!

Angrybird345 · 12/09/2018 17:33

It would be a deal breaker for me by now.

Magicpaintbrush · 12/09/2018 17:35

I would set a really fucking loud alarm and hide it somewhere different in the bedroom every night so it wakes him up and he has to get out of bed to find it and turn it off rather than just lie there and tap the snooze button as he is doing now. If nothing else you can enjoy listening to him stumbling about looking for it.

babbscrabbs · 12/09/2018 17:41

I'm sorry to say it but you chose to marry him knowing he was shit and choose to enable him. Now you get to choose whether you put up with it any longer.

RedDogsBeg · 12/09/2018 17:43

LeftRightCentre - I agree with you completely and can't understand why some women set the bar so low for men they have relationships with or marry. I didn't want to be married to a child, I wanted to be with an adult and would accept nothing less.

meddie · 12/09/2018 17:45

I was married to one of these. it doesnt change thats why I,m no longer married to one of these. I tried it all. telling him how resentful I felt, how deeply unsexy it was being his mum . tried not doing his stuff etc. The only thing that cured it was divorce. never been happier.

ohnothanks · 12/09/2018 17:57

It's really not the OP's fault, though. Husband sounds like an absolute wally and it is quite hard to see wifework/ mothering for what it is until it's staring you in the face.
The thing that gets me is not the risk-taking, it's the lack of responsibility and care for how upset this all makes you. He does not really value you. Sorry to say. And in that he is by no means alone among menfolk.

ohnothanks · 12/09/2018 18:02

Not every woman has a particularly strong sense of her own self-worth and value. That's one of the side effects of patriarchy at societal level. Let's not lay the blame at the feet of the oppressed eh?

footballmum · 12/09/2018 18:03

The problem is there are no consequences to his actions are there? He knows you’ll get up with DD, he knows you’ll wake him up if he sleeps too late, he knows you’ll make his packed lunch, he knows you’ll carry on doing his washing and so on and so on. Like it or not you are enabling him.

I’m afraid you’ve either got to accept the status quo or change it, which may mean letting the house of cards fall and then picking yourself up and starting again.

RedDogsBeg · 12/09/2018 18:11

Yes it is the OP's fault, her husband practically wrote it on the wall for her before she married him and had a child, she made a conscious decision to accept it.

It's not laying the blame at the feet of the oppressed, the OP had free will and made her choice with the evidence already available to her.

PositiveVibez · 12/09/2018 18:41

Husband sounds like an absolute wally and it is quite hard to see wifework/ mothering for what it is until it's staring you in the face

Ahh he's just a dope of a man and can't understand.

No. He is a lazy, entitled loser and you need to get shut. The resentment will become too much to bare and you will end up in a toxic relationship, which will deeply impact the children.

It probably has already. The kids can already see that the woman does all the work and the man relaxes and plays games. And that is your role, so that should be what their role is as they grow up.

Fuck that!!!

Cheeseplantandpickle · 12/09/2018 19:07

He doesn't give a shit about you or his kids. He was like this when you met him. You didn't heed the warning signs.

Cheeseplantandpickle · 12/09/2018 19:07

What leftrightcentre said.

ohnothanks · 12/09/2018 22:26

@PositiveVibez I think you misunderstood what I was trying to say. I meant it is quite hard for the woman in these sort of situations to wake up to the fact they are doing wifework. Being caring and copers is drilled into women from birth. I'm not excusing him as poor menzzz. Quite the opposite.

Doremisofarsogood · 12/09/2018 22:39

Typing my 3rd reply now, it keeps getting wiped..... So it may be short! Thanks for the constructive advice and thanks for the condescending advice - I do have a job thanks, in fact I have 2. We didn't ever have his son in the week so I didn't see the daily grind. Does anyone know how their husband will work out as a father until they have kids with them? I married him because I love him and he has many redeeming features which outweigh the bad. I was having a bad day and had a rant, it doesn't mean I want to leave him. I think the best thing I can do is buy him a big fuck off alarm clock and put it on my side of the room. Also I'll restrict his Internet access just like we do with my teen SS - after a certain time it kicks you off whatever device you're on. That should solve the problem! Oh and our daughter doesn't see him chilling out playing games - this is once she's in bed, it's his downtime which is totally fine as long as he can tear himself away which he so often can't, and that's the issue! He's got his tail between his legs today so we'll see how the next few days go.

OP posts:
babbscrabbs · 12/09/2018 22:48

I'd love to know what his redeeming features are.

Not being sarcastic - just interested to know what good things would make someone overlook things like this.

NotWeavingButDarning · 12/09/2018 23:02

Ah this is so familiar. I had an extra child like this (not with getting up in the morning but with lots of other things). I have 2 DC with him but I can honestly say my life is SO much better in loads of ways now I've got rid.

RedDogsBeg · 12/09/2018 23:04

I think the best thing I can do is buy him a big fuck off alarm clock and put it on my side of the room. Also I'll restrict his Internet access just like we do with my teen SS - after a certain time it kicks you off whatever device you're on. That should solve the problem!

So you are going to continue being a 'mother' to him and treat him as a child/teen equivalent to your teen stepson.

I couldn't share a bed with someone who needed managing like a teenager let alone procreate with one.

How did I know my husband would be a good father? Easy, I married an adult who behaves like an adult and accepts the responsibilities than come with being a fully functioning grown up.