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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be sick of my 'man-child' husband??

79 replies

Doremisofarsogood · 12/09/2018 14:06

Sorry, rant alert but I am so fed up! My DH has always been useless at getting up in the mornings. He sets his alarm, has multiple snoozes, doesn't know which one is the last one and misses it. Gets up late. I do pretty much all the early morning wake ups with our DD (4) through the week and at weekends even if we've both had a late night and usually if I've been out and he's stayed home, I always get up with her. He used to do an early morning shift at work (6.30 till 4) but changed it because he wanted to be there in the mornings to help me get DD ready for nursery (not that I wanted any help, it's easier on my own, he basically wants the nice bit of dropping her off). All that happens on those days is that I get up with DD and he ends up snoozing through his alarm till I wake him up. Sometimes I go for a run before she gets up, I remind him the night before that I'll be doing that and he'll need to get up with his alarm so it's not a mad rush when I get back; 9 times out of 10 I come back and she's up playing in her room and he's still in bed. If I leave him to it, he's late for work and could lose his job if he does it often enough (we can't afford for this to happen), if I have to constantly remind him I feel like his mother. Every now and then he says he'll go to bed earlier which definitely helps. He does it once then forgets. Last night I went out with a friend, got back at 9.30 and said I was going to bed as I was tired. He was on his PS4 (another bane of my life), I reminded him he was doing the early shift and he said yes yes I know) all the time not taking his eyes off the screen. He ended up not setting his alarm for the earlier time, I happened to wake up and made him get out of bed. He had to take the car which I needed today but without it he would have been late. I couldn't have dropped him off as DD was still asleep. Is it U to actually hate him for all of this? Our whole life together has been like this, even before we had DD he was a nightmare, we used to have my SS over and I was the one getting up in the mornings with him while H slept. There are other childlike behaviours - after I've washed dried and ironed all our clothes I put his on the bed for him to put away (I put mine, DD and SS away, don't see why I should put his away as well) - he puts them on a pile on the floor. He doesn't manage to plan anything for his work lunch - we're meant to be eating healthily but if I don't make anything healthy he takes some leftovers out of the freezer which are really kept there for quick meals in the week when we're busy. His PS4 habit is ridiculous - he will not notice anything in the house that needs doing but manages to spend 4 hours in the evening gaming. When I try to talk about any of this he gets angry and accuses me of talking to him like a child - well that's because he's acting like one! Does anyone have any idea how I can deal with this? I can't just leave him to it as a) he will probably lose his job and we can't afford that and b) I would end up doing the majority of caring for DD as well as the house work, cooking, cleaning etc. Is there any hope??!!

OP posts:
Ophelialovescats · 12/09/2018 23:12

Sounds like he has a Gaming addiction.
I would advise you to stop parenting him. If he wakes late for work let him bear the consequences.
You are both adults. You are not responsible for him .

AllDayBreakfast · 12/09/2018 23:19

May I suggest a cattleprod?

paintinmyhairAgain · 12/09/2018 23:20

why did you ask then op ? you made a choice to be with /stay with him,why come on here and moan, then in effect disagree with everyone ?

Popc0rn · 12/09/2018 23:22

Search "magic coffee table" on YouTube Grin. I have no constructive advice, I've never had a relationship with a "man child", but plenty of my friends do and they seem to untrainable in my limited experience.

BMW6 · 12/09/2018 23:35

Why are you trying to fix him? Can he not fix himself?

ZenNudist · 12/09/2018 23:40

What a pointless thread.

Joey7t8 · 13/09/2018 00:35

I’m in agreement with all the previous posters that question why women marry and have children with men that have always been useless like this.

LeftRightCentre · 13/09/2018 07:44

Does anyone know how their husband will work out as a father until they have kids with them?

When your then boyfriend is one who won't get out of bed when it's time for him to have his son for the weekend, is happy to leave his girlfriend to see to him, that's a bit of a clue there Hmm. But hey, enjoy being woken by an especially loud alarm clock and mothering a grown man.

AynRandTheObjectivist · 13/09/2018 08:18

I know people who have their alarm clock right across the room so they have to get out of bed and cross over to turn it off.

House4 · 13/09/2018 08:50

Wow getting a lot of leave him messages here!
I've seen threads like this before with more practical tips if you don't want to divorce. It shouldn't be for you to fix but sounds like it's either leave him to it and suffer the consequences or try something else for a while and see how it goes.

  1. Have a chat and tell him you are struggling - be honest and clear about what needs to change.
  2. Get that alarm clock at the other end of the room so he has to get out of bed and help with mornings. Be clear on what he needs to do before you get back. Discuss the night before.
  3. Agree a time each day, maybe after dinner but before gaming when you both spend an hour together doing the housework etc. You may have to start off telling him exactly what to do at first but obv he should get the hang of this. Maybe you could get the kids involved here sometimes too.
  4. Agree any jobs that need doing at the weekend and plan them in advance TOGETHER, right down to the time you will do them and who's responsible for what so you are both clear.
  5. Lists and clear communication are your friends.
Not sure what else to suggest but as you are in this situation you may as well try that and see how it goes before leaving him! Many people are not in perfect relationships so not keen on some of the really negative replies you have been getting on here. Good luck!
anonymousbird · 13/09/2018 08:55
Shock

Can you go away/stay with a friend for a couple of nights and see what happens? Surely if you aren't there to mother him, he will HAVE to sort himself out?

I can't believe there are adults who function (or rather don't) in this way.

peachypetite · 13/09/2018 08:59

Stop enabling him ffs!

Oysterbabe · 13/09/2018 09:59

I'd just make it very clear that he's an adult and you'll be treating him like one from now on. Let him lose his job. Seriously. I bet he doesn't and starts getting up after a warning from his boss.

Kaykay06 · 13/09/2018 10:12

He reminds me a bit of an overgrown teenager. I couldn’t live like that. Stop doing everything for him, sort yourself and your child out and let him deal with his own crap.

There is no way, if I’d washed clothes and ironed them for someone I’d be happy with them being dumped on the floor, you need to stop being his Mum and tell him to grow up. I also wouldn’t be happy with him gaming all evening it must be just like living with another child and it’s pathetic when you think this man is a parent, what is it teaching his children?. Leave, find yourself a man not a boy or live alone as you do everything anyway it won’t make much difference to you really.

Ophelialovescats · 13/09/2018 10:16

You are enabling his behaviour. Stepn back and let him sort himself out.

RabbitsAreTasty · 13/09/2018 11:04

Is this situation making you distracted, angry, depressed? You've said that cleaning up after him takes time away from your daughter.

The best Christmas for your DD would be a happy mother spending quality time with her. Far more than any material goods. You know that in your heart don't you?

JoeElliotsMullet · 13/09/2018 11:13

"Useless at getting up in the mornings"

Set fire to the bedroom curtains, see how useless he is then...

Grin
Doremisofarsogood · 13/09/2018 12:23

House4 possibly the most sensible message, thanks! No I don't want to leave him and quite frankly this is a shit reason to leave someone if everything else in the relationship is good! He's a great dad and a good partner, just shit at mornings. My closest friend is the same, doesn't mean I'm not going to be friends with her! Firstly, I'm getting him an alarm clock and putting it at the opposite end of the room. I get woken up by his multiple alarms anyway so this won't make any difference. Secondly I'm not hurrying to get everything clean and tidy (this is me by the way, not him dictating this is how he likes it). I get to the housework first. Today I'm WFH and have left he washing up from last night which he created, but left it because he then started gaming. I'm leaving it all so he will do it when he gets in. Which he will, he isn't that useless. I'll tell him what jobs need doing. Yes it's mothering him but if this is what he needs to make him do it, then I'll do it to maintain my own sanity! My DH really is a lovely man, he is totally an overgrown teenager but you know what, if this is the worst that he is, I can live with it, I just need to rant about it sometimes. So thank you :)

OP posts:
eelbecomingforyou · 14/09/2018 08:48

He's a great dad and a good partner, just shit at mornings. I'll tell him what jobs need doing. Yes it's mothering him but if this is what he needs to make him do it, then I'll do it to maintain my own sanity! My DH really is a lovely man, he is totally an overgrown teenager

Well, if you're happy to live like that then it's up to you. But your original post said:

I do pretty much all the early morning wake ups with our DD
If I leave him to it, he's late for work and could lose his job if he does it often enough (we can't afford for this to happen)
I have to constantly remind him I feel like his mother. Is it U to actually hate him for all of this? Our whole life together has been like this, even before we had DD he was a nightmare
We used to have my SS over and I was the one getting up in the mornings with him while H slept
After I've washed dried and ironed all our clothes I put his on the bed for him to put away he puts them on a pile on the floor
He doesn't manage to plan anything for his work lunch
His PS4 habit is ridiculous
When I try to talk about any of this he gets angry and accuses me of talking to him like a child

Plenty of redf flags there. Does your h actually want to change?? You're flogging a dead horse if he doesn't.

He sounds like a lazy, useless man child who's a shit dad to me.

allthgoodusernamesaretaken · 14/09/2018 09:35

OP - AIBU to be annoyed about this?
MN - No, not at all, he sounds like a PITA
OP - Ah, he's a lovely man really, a great dad and partner and you're all being harsh

Bangs head on desk

Cheeseplantandpickle · 14/09/2018 10:22

OP, you’ll be ranting about this for years to come.

InSpaceNooneCanHearYouScream · 14/09/2018 11:16

So if he's such a 'lovely man' why did you bother posting. He sounds an utter twat.

Bumpitybumper · 14/09/2018 11:37

I'm afraid I agree with PP that you have enabled this behaviour and it's now become so entrenched that it's going to take something pretty major to shift the dynamic. You are trying to downplay the issue now which makes me think that you are not ready to enact the change required to make a difference so I imagine things will continue to drift along as they are currently are with you getting more and more ground down by being the only responsible adult in the family.

I don't think anything anyone can write will make you change your mind but I would ask that you think about the type of relationship that you are modelling for your DC and how this could affect their expectations and standards regarding their own future relationships. Will they think it's acceptable for the man to just completely opt out of adulting and the burden to rest entirely on the mother? Essentially your DH is short-changing not only you but his DC too and you are doing them a disservice by not attempting to tackle this issue.

Doremisofarsogood · 14/09/2018 11:42

MN seems to have everything as black and white. Yes he really pisses me off with the morning thing, is that really a reason to leave him? He has more redeeming factors but my post wasn't about those, it was about the issue with mornings! He doesn't opt out of parenting entirely, I didn't post about all the things he does, because I was pissed off at the things he doesn't. My post was born out of frustration at the situation that morning and how I felt at that moment. That isn't typical of my feelings every day or throughout my life. It also doesn't mean I'm saying everyone is harsh - they're not. But so many people have suggested leaving him - what does that say about modern day attitudes towards marriage? Slightest hint of a problem - don't try to work it out, just leave him! If that's the advice then I'll ignore it thanks!

OP posts:
AynRandTheObjectivist · 14/09/2018 11:47

You've got to remember, OP, that when you post on here people can go only on the information you've given them.

You said that you hate him, he's a man child and a nightmare and your whole life together has always been "like this". I think a lot of us also think that if it's just an everyday irritant in an otherwise happy, healthy relationship, you probably wouldn't invite the internet to discuss your "rant" about it.

I'm not one of the LTBers, in this thread I've only shared the alarm-clock-across-the-room trick. But given what you've said, I'm not surprised that you're getting advice to consider the relationship.