Terrified Terrified Terrified of childbirth

[Radio5tar]

I know this is fairly common. But I can't stress enough how absolutely **ing terrified I am. I'm 39 and have put it off due to absolute terror for years - not sure if this would be defined as tokophobia. The only thing worse than my fear of childbirth is the thought we will never have children due to my irrational fear and looking back and hating myself for it. The whole thing makes me frightened and tearful.

I am generally incredibly squeamish, even with smear tests and colposcopies etc and feel rising panic, tears and fear at these moments.

I have thought about elective c-section as one way of attempting to feel slightly more in control, although I know this is no guarantee and things can still go wrong plus it is an extremely serious op. I am terrified of the epidural injection etc and too scared to even fully investigate what's actually involved in case I am scared off for good. There are so many elements of childbirth that are cloaked in mystery and other Mums don't tell you the full truth - it's like a secret pact that no-one mentions it once they've had a baby, but it keeps childless women in the dark and increases my fear and terror. Even things like having a catheter terrify me - I have had recurring cystitis and kidney infections my whole life and terrified I'll be in pain.

I am scared to open up about these deep fears to other Mums / friends as they have all successfully given birth and I worry they would think I am pathetic, as I worry others on MN will also think. Also the doctors and nurses I can imagining telling me not to be silly as millions of women give brith every day. Obviously this is factually true but it doesn't seem to help me.

I just don't know how to proceed, and to make it worse I am now terrified I may have missed the boat with my fertility as I am 39.5 years. I don't have a Mum I am close to to seek support from and my MIL is mother of the century and had 7 easy births (!!). I am lucky in that I do have a supportive and wonderful DH who is patient. But what can I do and how do I proceed??

Please help.

I would speak to your midwife about the details of childbirth. I found that the more factual information I had, the better I could prepare. Things like a catheter is not definitive. Neither is an epidural. You may not need any pain relief at all.

Have you been to NCT classes? Any prenatal classes?

I found reading a book by Ina May which was positive and realistic about childbirth.

Find an independent midwife (imuk.org.uk/families/what-we-do/) local to you and see if they will do a pre-birth chat. For me, being informed, confident and in control made all the difference.

Sorry - realised you aren’t actually pregnant! Ignore the bits about midwife and NCT

Oh yes definitely talk to an independent midwife. I had one for my first birth. It was brilliant.

Tbh my csection was worst than the vaginal. It cant have been that bad for me though as ive had 4 kids despite all my birth being traumatic. two emcs, I think although its bad I forgot it all once my baby was in my arms it all seemed worth i.

it*

You dont have to have a baby
Your life could be better and completely fulfilling and valid without motherhood. You dont have to put yourself under this pressure
Have you looked into fostering or adoption. You could make a real difference

Or not even any of it. You could just say fuck this, its not worth the stress and pain.

Does your husband want a child. Are you feeling pressured

Branleuse as I said in my op I do desperately want a family with my DH and don't want to look back in years to come and regret not doing so due to irrational fear.

Hello, this was me. Absolutely terrified and I can’t even describe how it made me feel as I know it would shock and offend everyone here. I eventually went for some counselling as my long term partner wanted children and I was faced with breaking off the relationship. The counselling identified tokophobia. I was then referred to a consultant gynaecologist who was fabulous. I had some CBT which didn’t help. The gynaecologist write be a supporting letter to say that if I became pregnant they would support an elective CSection and some other adjustments. So in the end I got pregnant, was referred to the perinatal team through pregnancy, had a water tight birth plan drawn up, and had very supportive midwife and the consultant delivered by lovely baby via c section. Feel free to pm me of you want more info, but I do know exactly how you feel.

Not at all, husband is younger and would be happy to wait

Sounds like you need to speak to your GP about your fear around lots of medical procedures. I actually don't think your level of fear is particularly common, yes, lots of women (me and my friends included) were a bit worried about what it would be like but I definitely wouldn't say I was terrified.

Going forward, to prepare for labour with my first I watched lots of unattended birth videos on YouTube. Although not what I was planning for my birth (I gave birth in a midwife led unit and then maternity triage!), those videos showed women who were calm, not women screaming or fearful. It was most helpful.

Thank you Ploppymoodypants so good to hear this

For most people, childbirth is painful - there's no getting away from that - but once it's over, the vast majority of women are able to forget about it and move on to the next set of issues to deal with, like cracked nipples and sleepless nights. With my third, I went through my delivery notes with the midwife, and it was like reading something that had happened to someone else.

All I can say in reassurance is that your fear of childbirth is very likely much, much worse than childbirth itself.

I have only had c sections and they were wonderful.

Didn’t even have painkillers and was back driving (an automatic quite slowly) within 10 days.

I too had dreadful fear of the pain but as it turned out it was great. No pain because of the epidural.

And good luck with the future, I do hope you can get the help you need to make a decision for you and your DH.

I like you was terrified during both of my pregnancies. I had 2 c sections, and each time I was happy that the actual surgery wasn’t as bad as I’d built up in my head

I asked my mother about childbirth when I was about six months pregnant. She said it was worse than a root canal but better than flying the Atlantic with fear of flying, not least because you get a baby at the end instead of just being in America!
The following week she rang me back to say she’d just been to the dentist and she’d got it wrong. Dental work was far worse than childbirth.
But you should think about counselling, really.

It's my daughters birthday today and we were talking about my labour. She asked if it hurt, and I said ' well a bit, yes" but actually thinking back it wasn't so much pain as an odd sensation. Plus assuming you're in UK there's plenty of drugs on offer, if it is painful / long.

However unpleasant it is, it was 6 hours of my life and I've had 6 years of my lovely daughter so far. There's def counselling available though to demystify it.

Removal of a catheter doesn't hurt, it feels like having a little pee. I wish someone had told me that while I had it in and kept gingerly moving about.

I don't know what to suggest. If you want children then just get on with it and deal with the anxiety as part of pregnancy. Everybody worries about childbirth, fear for your baby is what can take over too; there's pain and recovery time. You could try a counsellor.

I'm quite soft when it comes to anything medical however I have 2 children. I found that giving birth wasn't like when you go for any other medical procedure. Before I had my first I was a little scared, more fear of the Unknown, when it happened you kind of go to another place and get on with it. Oh and I had my bladder emptied for me both times in labour and barely noticed. If I had to have a catheter in the cold light of day not in labour I'd panic and feel scared. Labour you just get on with it.

That was me, exactly, except 33 and with endometriosis and told I may never have children.

I spoke to my GP about how terrified I was. She said that once I got pregnant she would refer me to community midwives who help women with various issues including anxiety etc. I did get pregnant and before I could see the community midwife I found out I was having twins, which scared me to death but meant I was put under consultants anyway.

The midwife was super supportive and referred me for counselling. After many sessions the counsellor agreed that a c section was probably my best bet. Consultants didn’t want to commit to it but eventually agreed to book one when I was about 30 weeks (for 38 weeks) but I ended up needing an Emcs at 35 weeks (no labour at all).

I am severely needle phobic and my spinal was a disaster - took many attempts and didn’t go well at all, almost had to have a general, but I survived (just about!). I don’t think I’ll be able to have any more because of that.

See your GP and get some support now x

It is possible to desensitise and treat phobias, OP. You could consider counselling along those lines.
Or you could apply to adopt- that way you would get to raise a child without the childbirth bit!
I don’t think women make a secret of childbirth, btw- you can watch endless series of “One born every minute” if you’d like to see innumerable real experiences of birth, of sections, forceps and spontaneous ones.
Birth in the UK is very safe, particularly if you opt for a hospital labour suite with consultant obstetricians, anaesthetists and paediatricians on site, to cover any emergency for you or your baby.
As for being afraid of having an epidural- they’re not compulsory, but I can assure you that, as a (now retired) anaesthetist, I spent 36 years putting them in women who were ecstatic to get them!
Also, most sections are performed under a spinal block, so you have no pain, the actual surgery is hidden behind a sterile drape, but you are awake to see your baby as soon as he/she is delivered. Most mums find that emotionally very satisfying, and prefer it to being unconscious with all the risks of general anaesthesia.

Best advice I got from National Childbirth Antenatal classes was that the pain comes and goes in waves so your contractions build up so the pain is not constant. The image of the waves rolling in and out on the beach helps a lot. I had 2 births at 41 and 42 and was petrified but managed to eat my way through both so didn't run out of energy. Good luck!

I dont think anyone can really tell you that none of those things would happen in childbirth. It is an incredibly intense and painful event in most cases . I dont think there is some secret pact, but of course its really personal and private to talk about bodily functions so not many people are going to be entirely open about it, even with others who have done it, and even less likely with those that havent. Nobody wants to freak you out about stuff that might not even happen, but equally dont want to pretend it definitely wont.
There are things you can do to improve your chances. You can write a birth plan. You could pay for a private caesarean. You could do a hypnobirthing course.
I have a friend who had tokophobia but managed to have a child a few years ago. I think she had therapy and hypnobirthing course.
Tokophobia is recognised and im sure you will be able to have it recognised and receive help for it if you really do want a child.

I think in many ways childbirth is actually (can be) empowering if you prepare yourself, because its incredible what you can tolerate and sustain and what your body can actually do. I know it sounds unbelievable, but there are so many pain relief options. You can get supportive doulas or birth partner. You can get hypnosis and therapy. With your fear of it, youre actually probably in a better position than some to have a good experience because your expectations are so low