Terrified Terrified Terrified of childbirth

[Radio5tar]

I know this is fairly common. But I can't stress enough how absolutely **ing terrified I am. I'm 39 and have put it off due to absolute terror for years - not sure if this would be defined as tokophobia. The only thing worse than my fear of childbirth is the thought we will never have children due to my irrational fear and looking back and hating myself for it. The whole thing makes me frightened and tearful.

I am generally incredibly squeamish, even with smear tests and colposcopies etc and feel rising panic, tears and fear at these moments.

I have thought about elective c-section as one way of attempting to feel slightly more in control, although I know this is no guarantee and things can still go wrong plus it is an extremely serious op. I am terrified of the epidural injection etc and too scared to even fully investigate what's actually involved in case I am scared off for good. There are so many elements of childbirth that are cloaked in mystery and other Mums don't tell you the full truth - it's like a secret pact that no-one mentions it once they've had a baby, but it keeps childless women in the dark and increases my fear and terror. Even things like having a catheter terrify me - I have had recurring cystitis and kidney infections my whole life and terrified I'll be in pain.

I am scared to open up about these deep fears to other Mums / friends as they have all successfully given birth and I worry they would think I am pathetic, as I worry others on MN will also think. Also the doctors and nurses I can imagining telling me not to be silly as millions of women give brith every day. Obviously this is factually true but it doesn't seem to help me.

I just don't know how to proceed, and to make it worse I am now terrified I may have missed the boat with my fertility as I am 39.5 years. I don't have a Mum I am close to to seek support from and my MIL is mother of the century and had 7 easy births (!!). I am lucky in that I do have a supportive and wonderful DH who is patient. But what can I do and how do I proceed??

Please help.

I'm so sorry to hear that you are terrified of childbirth. Though not afraid of that, I do have terror about other things and understand how awful the feeling is.

Why would you be catheterised? I've not heard of that for childbirth.

The suggestion of an independent midwife/midwives is a good one. Also being examined by an obstetrician to make sure all is quite OK, ie you look as though birth will be straightforward, might help to reassure you.

People saying that most women give birth without difficulty is not helpful to you considering the way you feel.

A C section is a possibiity though I understand they are no picnic, takes time to recover.

Good luck with whatever you decide, you are brave to consider having a baby and I hope, if you do, all goes smoothly. It probably will!

(I just want to point out that many women, once pregnant, sail through pregnancy without a care. I was on another planet for nine months (except when at work), never even considered I might have an awful birth. I'm generally quite an anxious person too.)

I would get a doula and see if they can support you through the pregnancy and in birth. I had a terrible, terrible first birth. Basically everything that could go wrong, went wrong and I was disabled for a long while because of it. BUT I still had another two child (planned sections)! I’m now doing well physically. So even if the ‘worst’ happens actually you can get support. Do consider if a planned c section if the right choice for you. It was a Godsend for me but that’s a very personal decision.

Have you ever had intense diarrhea? The kind where you are clinging to the toilet bowl while your bowels involuntarily spasm to violently expel their contents?

Labour is basically that.

The only difference for me was the longer length of time between contractions, and the feeling of attempting to shit out a beach ball.

Your body is designed for it OP. It's a bodily function not an illness. You sound like you would make a lovely mum so please get help. You can do this.

I was very frightened before I gave birth to my first child- but not to my second. Because I had learned the reality was nowhere near as bad as I had feared.
Before DC1, I couldn't even look at the diagrams of the birth process in the pregnancy books- you know, just the line drawings coloured in lilac or pale blue. I just cringed, crumpled or felt faint and snapped shut the book. I could not think about the birth- I was in denial to the point that when my waters broke and I was at home alone, I thought to myself- If I don't tell anyone, no one will know, so then I won't have to go to hospital....
Anyway, the inevitable happened. I had thought it would be pain beyond endurance, that my body would be cranked open and split apart. But it was just like the world's worst period pains.
With DS2, I knew not to be afraid. I knew my 'job' was to get on with it despite the pain. It was fine- no pain relief that time.
I do think you would benefit from specialist counselling before and throughout any pregnancy- to explore exactly what aspects frighten you so much, and look at debunking or desensitizing them one by one.
Good luck. I hope you are able to overcome your fears

I was frightened too; I think it's totally natural to be so. But, honestly - I had two epidurals and was up and about the next day with both of them. Birth is never going to be a nice experience, but it honestly wasn't that bad; having gastroenteritis and severe conjunctivitis was (for me) a lot worse.

Could you afford to go private? The anaesthetist when I did (having done NHS previously) was bloody fantastic- barely felt the needle for the epidural - and you get a lot of one on one time with the midwife and the doctor, who should be able to allay some of your fears.

Branleuse makes some good points.
And actually I found the most important thing about giving birth was feeling listened to, and empowered. I had my first baby in a MLU, with gas and air only but it was a good experience (albeit painful) because I was supported by a fantastic midwife. No doctors dashing in and out, no frazzled midwife attending to several labouring women. Just me , dh and the midwife.
So don’t assume that pain = terrible birth.
How you feel about your birth experience is probably more to do with how comfortable and listened to you feel.

I used to well up at the mere mention of labour. When I got pregnant, we got an independent midwife and she was amazing. I cannot recommend that route strongly enough, if you can afford it. I had so much more attention and time in each appointment than the NHS can afford to give (understandably!), and around 24 weeks we started talking through the different stages of labour, in small manageable doses. By the time baby was due, I felt educated and more comfortable with what was about to happen, although in the end it all went a bit wrong and I ended up with an EMCS.

I’d not read up on C sections because it was gross(!) and I concluded it wasn’t my job- it’s the surgeons’s job. And that got me through. :)

DS is now 7 months old, and the pain (I have no idea how people think it’s just an odd sensation... it was the worst pain I’ve ever been in) has faded from memory. In fact I was quite cross to realise about two months after the birth that I’d forgotten completely, because I’d been determined to remember forever! Don’t let this fear stop you becoming a mum, maybe you can see your GP to discuss your fears? Or seek some counselling?

Radio5tar

Sorry you hear this..... where abouts are you as I can recommend a few services that would be of huge benefits to you

X

It is a scary prospect, no getting away from that. What helped me was reading up on hypno birthing. It was of more use to me in the run up to the birth than the actual birth, in that it taught me some good breathing and visualisation techniques and kind of puts childbirth into perspective. It made me feel like I was a little more in control of it all too.

Actual birth wise...with DD I had a natural delivery, whole thing from first contractions to delivery lasted about 12 hours. Contractions were very painful yes. But as my mum put it, it's a positive pain - you know you'll be holding your baby at the end of it so it does help. And it was an amazing experience! For my DS, I had an emergency section. That was much scarier than my first labour- I felt out of control and terrified of having surgery. But the whole thing was over so quickly and I was not in pain and had a wonderful team putting me at ease as much as they could.

I hope that helps. It is doable and it is amazing - I can't adequately describe the feeling you get when it's done, it's incredible! I still look back and feel proud of myself for doing it.

Slightly different, but I had a real fear of needles pre pregnancy. That got conquered fairly early on as there really was no other choice

I was the same. Petrified. The community midwife suggested an independent midwife. She was dead right. The IMW worked with me, gave me lots of homework - drawing, visualisation etc to break down the fear. By the end of it I was fine. She did such a good job in fact that the hospital wanted to do a c section delivery (unrelated reason) and I refused!

Its impossible to predict what sort of labour you would have as every one is different.

mine... 1st was long, waters needed breaking and I tore.
2nd was over in less than 5 hrs (from first pain which was like period pain) and yes I tore again but not as bad.
My mum had 7 children and didnt tear once.
my sil managed with just paracetamol and a 9lb baby
my friend didn't have contractions just the urge to wee every few minutes which turned out to be the contractions.
A work colleague gave birth to her first less than half a hour after first contraction. her 2nd was 15 mins!!!

Yes its painful.... but mums soon forget about it otherwise so many wouldn't go on to have another.

My advice would be to speak to a gp or counsellor, or have you ever considered surrogacy?

My local maternity unit has a birth reflections section where you can arrange to talk to a Midwife trained in counselling. She would then support you in exploring options, writing a birth plan or going for a maternal request c section.

I was terrified throughout pregnancy of the birth and it did rather cloud my experience of pregnancy. I wish I'd known about the birth reflections thing in advance as it would have helped a lot. Several friends I've since made used it for anxiety support during pregnancy.

As for birth, I think researching all the information available helped me. I had a Lesley Regan book from the library about pregnancy and birth and it talked through everything in a very matter of fact way, rather than all the natural birth stuff you get elsewhere. I used that to write my birth plan and requested pain relief as I needed it. I did find birth quite empowering in the end (and it was very medicated and monitored!).

I don't know if anyone else has suggested it but you could consider going to see a Hypno-psychotherapist to help you combat the fear before you get pregnant.

Rather than tackling the fear of childbirth, why not tackle your fear of not having children? Plenty of women are in the same boat.

No sugar coating, it hurts. A very intense pain which comes in waves. I was gripping the bed, gripping DH with a strength he didn't know I had, screaming into the gas and air mouthpiece. Had an epidural and forceps/episiotomy, epidural meant I was ok with this. Healed well but have some internal scarring to deal with. I should mention I had an induction, but not the drip until the epidural was in place. I forget the exact sensation, only remember that yes it did hurt. For me.

On the flip side, my friend did hypnobirthing and did it all on paracetamol. I did the cds, made no odds but she did an actual course.

I think it's all down to the individual, everyone has different expeirences.

Poor op

It sounds like this goes beyond the normal concerns and worries of new mums and if you're terrified and want to do something about it, you need to seek external help.

Approach your GP and there may be local services that can support you with this - mental health referals for counselling, CBT, and suchlike. i know that my own local hospital has offered these counselling services as part of the holistic maternity care services they provide (although i think it's specifically for women who are actually pregnant? i'm not sure).

Good luck OP.

Im sorry you're so scared. I get why. But try not to panick yourself before you're even pregnant.

Yes its bad. But its do-able and copable. Women forget about it very quickly.

Think of it this way, if it was such a traumatizing painful process, why do some women go on to have 6-7 children or even 20-22 children?

We're made for this. We can do this.

I put it to the back of my mind when I was trying to get pregnant, as I so desperately wanted a family. Then when I did get pregnant, I went to the Daisy birthing classes ( I started when I was around 14 weeks I think and did 3 courses back to back!). For me, understanding more about what happens during childbirth made it less scary. And the teacher had such a positive attitude about it and really embraced it and I found that attitude rubbed off on me.

I know everyone's experience is very different but it really wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. And remember that the contractions come and go, they get stronger and then ease off and then you get a break until the next one.

I was terrified with mine and it was the worst pain ever for me. I'm also scared of injections and a wuss about pain generally. But honestly it's livable and doable, I had three bad tears that needed stiches too but it was still bearable. Tbh I had Dengue fever and the body pains from that were in some ways more painful so childbirth is okay.
You can do this and your body is designed to do it. Try hypnobirthing and yoga etc to calm you if that helps.
I know it's scary but don't let it out you off being a mum if that's what u wnat to do!

I could have written this post a year ago! I am also 39 and put off having a child until now because of my huge fear of childbirth, so your post really resonates. I am sitting next to my 5 week old as I type this after having a vaginal birth with gas and air. Yes it was hard, but it was ok and not as bad as I feared but mainly I am so glad I faced my fear instead of missing out on having a child.

I hired a private midwife to help me cope with my anxiety / terror and it was a huge help (plus all the after-birth support is brilliant). It was a very big financial outlay for me, but I needed the extra help in order to feel like I had the support and control I needed. If you are lucky enough to live in an area with community midwives then I believe you can get a similar service for free. Good luck! x

Another angle OP- is that if you went through with “natural birth” ad opposed to elective C sec- you know its coning, but cant get worked up about an exact date/time for the birth, as it could happen anytime. Having given birth twice I can honestly say as soon as it all kicks off, adrenaline takes over and masks so much of the actual physical pain. This is adrenaline you will never have experiences at other medical procures- as they involved pain- but not really for much gain this is such mad excitement as you know it results with a baby at the end of it!! In the moment, yes I can say of course it’s painful, but adrenaline/excitement/madness takes over and once its over- you really don’t care.
Please don’t let this put you off. It’s a rational fear but see the bigger picture- the short term worry/stress/birth for a lifetime of having a DC.

Can you pin down exactly what you're scared of? Is it the pain, or is it something going wrong?

Giving birth was for me certainly not a nice enjoyable experience nor did I feel that amazing rush of love people talk about afterwards. Both times I had a water birth, first time gas and air and second time nothing (too scared of paralysis to have an epidural - there's my irrational fear!) not that I would have had time, went too fast both times.

Yes it was painful but it stops. If you research an epidural and feel comfortable with it then you don't even need to feel the pain.

If it's something going wrong - well no one can tell you that won't happen, but it's extremely unlikely.

If you want kids, get pregnant. Then deal with the fear by getting lots of help.

Radio5tar, I’m so glad you have brought this topic up as I was going to do a post on it but thought because it’s called mumsnet it wasn’t really a relevant topic. I hope by reading my monologue, sorry story you and anyone else going through the same thing will realise you are not alone and your dream of having a baby can come true. My story goes:
I was brought up in a very strict (morally) home being told no sex before marriage and don’t ever bring the shame of getting pregnant and not married to our door. My mum clearly didn’t like having sex and her influence rubbed off on me. There were other factors too but that is for another day.
I married in my early 20s a virgin and thought everything would be ok sex wise it wasn’t. I was terrified of sex and even worse childbirth. My husband was very patient but after a year of a sexless marriage it obviously was putting a strain on our relationship. In my warped thinking, this was ok.
He begged me to see my GP who referred me for psychosexual counselling and after a year we became a proper man and wife.
LIke you I wasn’t going to have children not because I didn’t want them but because I was terrified. For me it wasn’t the labour itself that was the issue it was the gory bits of being poked and probed and the baby actually coming out and the damage it could do. I could get my head round a C section as in my mind this was like an operation and more within my control.
In my mid 30s I knew time was running out for me. I could see my husband looking at babies with tears in his eyes and thinking that will never be me. He actually went to his own GP and discussed it with him. He said that they would give me whatever help I needed and if I wanted a C section that was ok but I would need to get pregnant first.
I made the decision on my husbands birthday that I would face my fear and start trying for a baby. It took 4 years but eventually I fell pregnant and it just so happened I found out on Fathers Day so that made it extra special. The realisation hit me. Shit, what have I let myself in for? Was my first thought but then I said I will face this one step at a time.
I had a very smooth pregnancy and at 6 months was referred to a psychiatrist who assessed me. At first she was reluctant to let me go down the C section route but in the end I got my wish. A month before my 40th birthday we had a beautiful baby boy who is our world.
I used to think it was only me, that so and so was braver, wanted it more or wasn’t as scared as me otherwise she wouldn’t have been able to go through with it. With the right support YOU CAN MAKE IT HAPPEN.
The End

It may well not be pain the OP is afraid of. For me the pain didn’t scare me at all (severe endo, decades of severe pain), it was the actual act of getting a baby out of my vagina that seemed (and still seems) physically impossible, terrifying and so on. Having to spread my legs, having people up in my area, tearing / episiotomy, having stitches down there etc etc.

It’s not necessarily the pain element of it. I almost amputated my arm once and it had reconstructed while conscious, but labour feels completely beyond me. I think I don’t trust my body to work well, but that’s definitely not the only issue.

I was terrified too but I felt my birth was well managed.

I had tens, pethidine (brilliant stuff) gas and air and an epidural. I loved giving birth. If the birth would have been shorter I think gas and air would have been fine. Couple of stitches and healed quickly. For the epidural they numb the area so it doesn’t hurt at all.

Next time (if there is one) I’d like another medical birth with plenty of drugs! Birth does not need to be stressful. It’s not always like in films where the woman is on her back screaming.

Don’t focus on the birth, focus on afterwards .