Terrified Terrified Terrified of childbirth

[Radio5tar]

I know this is fairly common. But I can't stress enough how absolutely **ing terrified I am. I'm 39 and have put it off due to absolute terror for years - not sure if this would be defined as tokophobia. The only thing worse than my fear of childbirth is the thought we will never have children due to my irrational fear and looking back and hating myself for it. The whole thing makes me frightened and tearful.

I am generally incredibly squeamish, even with smear tests and colposcopies etc and feel rising panic, tears and fear at these moments.

I have thought about elective c-section as one way of attempting to feel slightly more in control, although I know this is no guarantee and things can still go wrong plus it is an extremely serious op. I am terrified of the epidural injection etc and too scared to even fully investigate what's actually involved in case I am scared off for good. There are so many elements of childbirth that are cloaked in mystery and other Mums don't tell you the full truth - it's like a secret pact that no-one mentions it once they've had a baby, but it keeps childless women in the dark and increases my fear and terror. Even things like having a catheter terrify me - I have had recurring cystitis and kidney infections my whole life and terrified I'll be in pain.

I am scared to open up about these deep fears to other Mums / friends as they have all successfully given birth and I worry they would think I am pathetic, as I worry others on MN will also think. Also the doctors and nurses I can imagining telling me not to be silly as millions of women give brith every day. Obviously this is factually true but it doesn't seem to help me.

I just don't know how to proceed, and to make it worse I am now terrified I may have missed the boat with my fertility as I am 39.5 years. I don't have a Mum I am close to to seek support from and my MIL is mother of the century and had 7 easy births (!!). I am lucky in that I do have a supportive and wonderful DH who is patient. But what can I do and how do I proceed??

Please help.

OP here saying thanks ....

....for all the kind words of support today. I think a pp had it right when she said it is most likely not the fear of the actual pain but the fear of lack of control etc etc. When I am squeamish having a smear text for example, it doesn't hurt but it is uncomfortable and I feel powerless, vulnerable and exposed, and I guess this is an extreme version. The pain element and the fear of tearing or ripping my body apart only compounds it.

A number of people recommended private midwives which I never knew about. Can I ask if they would have any agenda to encourage vaginal birth and discourage elective c-section? The last thing I would want is someone trying to pressure me or talk me round to their way as I feel this would only set panic in.

And can I also ask how much a private midwife costs? Do they liaise with the NHS hospital and attend the birth?

I also intend to seek help. I already had some therapy for unrelated stuff so could go back to my old counsellor again. Perhaps they will then refer me or liaise with GP to do so...

I think I will need to try and get pregnant and then make the plan rather than waiting as I am worried 39/40 is too old to get pregnant... (but that's for another thread)!

Get an epidural op. A little scratch and then it’s done with. I didn’t feel my contractions at all and went to sleep. The midwife had to wake me up when it was time to push.

First you need to decide if you really want children,see your GP about your phobias see what treatment is available,then try to get pregnant and then talk to your midwife and see what extra help you need.
Time is not on your side though.

Realistically I think a midwife will (usually) believe a natural birth, or at least an attempt at one, is the best option because their job is to enable natural births. HOWEVER, you’ll know you’ve found the right private practitioner when you feel (during the interview before you agree to go ahead with their services) that they understand and will support YOU, and your choices in YOUR situation.

I went for the full package for mine, which was appointments at 20, 24, 28, 31, 34, 36, 38, 39, 40 weeks, then as necessary (I was 12 days overdue in the end) plus 8? I think? follow up appointments in the first month and another 2 weeks of phone support after that. Birthing ball included, lent me a TENS machine, and as many birthing books/videos as I wanted. Set me back £6k- best money we ever spent.

The problem I found was that private midwives have to be insured specifically to work in the hospital, after new insurance rules came in recently, and so several of the ones I looked into were only insured for homebirths. Once I went into hospital or birth centre, they could only provide emotional support. In the end, my midwife was insured to work at one local hospital so I moved my care to that hospital- therefore she was able to do examinations etc. and make decisions during my labour. Unfortunately once I was sent to the Labour Ward instead of the Birth Centre, again, she could only provide emotional support. However, if I’d been in the Birth Centre she would have delivered my son.

Happy to answer any other questions about my experience. I will definitely go back to her again in my next pregnancy. I looked at going private at the Lindo Wing but you’re looking at £20k+ per birth and the doctors are the same as in St Mary’s next door anyway! And if you have an emergency you’ll get discharged back to NHS care anyway. So, for me, it wasn’t worth it.

I put off getting pregnant for years after marriage for this reason. In the end I decided I wanted a child enough to go through a day or so of labour to get it.

Anyway, we did hypnobirthing and I can't recommend it enough. Whether you go for a natural birth, all the drugs, or a csection, it puts you in control and calms you right down. Definitely look into it. I did the Mongan Method and had an easy natural birth. A friend who had a csection also did it and said it helped hugely as she was calm, aware and in control throughout.

Don't listen to other people's birth stories IRL (unless really positive), that's what terrified me the most! Everyone's story is different but with training you really can do it.

Best of luck.

Thefatcatwhiskers that's amazing. OP I hope this happens for you too. Go for it! Start NOW!

So childbirth is your skydive?

It is scary and unknown (I truly believe that no one can get across fully what the experience is like) but it’s a blip in your whole lifetime and if you want a family...well it needs to be done.

Modern medicine can resolve a lot of issues that might crop up during childbirth and are pretty routine for most of the professionals involved. You have the opportunity to have lot more input into what will happen during labour - more than you would with 90% of other medical procedures - so there is comfort in that.

I don’t think there’s much beating around the bush to be done at your age (sorry to be blunt, I’m only one year younger than you and am hyper aware that if I want to try and have a second there’s a ticking clock) and it’s a case of going for it if that’s what you want.

Deciding not to have children is a perfectly valid option.

If you were told tomorrow it was no longer an option at all how do you think you would feel?

My own experience of being told children were unlikely at all meant that heartbreak overtook any fears surrounding pregnancy/childbirth till I was actually living it. Bloody petrified then but once it’s in it’s got to come out!

seventhgonickname to reiterate my original post, it is my dream to have children with my DH, and thanks for confirming time is not on my side which i have already said I am terrified about...!

Wow Goosta private midwife sounds expensive, but I will look in to this, and also hypnobirthing even if for c-section. Thanks

Cornetto I completely agree - I know that my fear of never having any is ultimately greater, so I must find a way to overcome this.

I think there was a packages started at 1.5k, and I’m in London (zone 2) so I’m sure there are other options available. A doula would be a good shout too! Wishing you all the very best with your decision.

For what it’s worth, I still think pregnancy and childbirth are gross and scary, but my son is a sufficient distraction from thinking about it for too long :)

*I think packages started at, rather.

I don’t know how much this will help but I felt exactly the same as you, getting pregnant wasn’t exactly planned either. I opted for fully private care- all my appointments with my lovely consultant who was very reassuring then an elective c-section. After care provided by my own midwife who I knew as she’d been there for most of my consultant appointments. A private midwife would be an excellent compromise if fully private care is too expensive. Hypnobirthing I fully recommend too even for an ELCS. Good luck.

From having just one child who's now 8 years old, and a difficult birth all I can say is I think toothache is so much more pain! I mean if it was that bad, no one would have more than one child! (Fyi I only have one as his dad didn't stick around and I haven't met anyone else but in the future maybe who knows) honestly don't let the thort of child birth put u off having children I think it's natural weather u have other children or it's ur first to be scared and nervous. But toothache is so much worse pain wise and we are designed to give birth it's natural much luck xx

I had a csection. In thr theatre room i literally backed up against dh and had him pinned to the wall trying to get away from the scary (actually really nice) nurse
Was in tears and trying to leave

They gave me something which made me super chilled out (so much so when my dh showed me my dd i thought she was a boy and maybe the penis came out later🤣)

Didnt even feel the spine injection thing but had a nasty bruise so if id been with it it would have hurt

I guess what i am saying is they can give you stuff to help

I had a surprise pregnancy and have always been terrified of child birth. Weeks 16- 24 were I think the worst for being terrified of labour (after spending the first trimester terrified of miscarriage), by the time I got to 38 weeks I just wanted him out. He didn't appear until after 42 weeks and a very long labour and emcs. Most labours are only a day. When you get to late pregnancy I think the hormones change how you feel about labour and yes toothache is much worse. An epidural is great for when it all gets too much.

Good luck radio5star.

Another thing to remember is that once you are pregnant you have a whole department of people actively trying to make sure you and the baby are okay. They’re not as emotionally invested as you but they want you and the baby out the otherside in top notch condition as much as you do. You don’t have to shoulder the burden alone.

You're right. But I think the problem with vaginal birth is that for every woman who finds it horrendous, there is another for whom it's like shelling peas, and you have no way of knowing until you are in it. There are so many variables that contribute to how straightforward or long a birth is.

If you decide on a section then they can be done under GA. You would have an appointment with the anaesthetist a month or so before and he or she talk you though everything.

It’s such a shame that this fear is holding you back.

I was 29 when I had my first DS and nearly 31 when I had DS2. I was nervous about labour too.

But it was so much easier than I ever imagined it would be, as things usually are when you imagine the worst! I didn’t need pain relief. 10hr labour with DS1, 2hr labour with DS2.

The pains come and go, but get much closer together when you are ready to push.

Labour only lasts a few hours, and yes you really do forget about it, it’s so worth it when you have your baby in your arms. Becoming a mum is without doubt the best thing I have ever done.

Life is too short for regrets.

Good luck OP

I agree with Goostacean that the private midwives tend to lean towards a vaginal birth over a c section, but they are working for you and it should be very clear when you sit down with them for interview if they are on-board with whatever path you choose. Mine was very open to whatever I wanted but discussed with me if something wasn't realistic or they thought there could be a better option for me. The choice was always mine though.

It cost 5k (in London, package similar to that described by Goostacean) and it was all about having some control and someone working for me in the whole process and fighting my corner - both in the run up to the birth and during the birth at the birth center. Even though they were not delivering the baby they had a significant 'sway' with the NHS staff and were able to make helpful suggestions / negotiate things on my behalf that they knew I wanted.

We decided to have a small wedding / no honeymoon and use the money for this instead and I also think it was the best money I have ever spent.

I have a friend who spent her entire 20s and 30s being tortured by how much she loved babies but being petrified of giving birth. When a mutual friend had kids she couldn’t even bear to hear about it.

She had hypnobirthing which I think helped. But mostly she was very supported by her midwives. She had an elective planned because it was the not being in control that frightened her the most.

It probably depends on your local area I’m afraid but as others have said private midwives are a good idea. Good luck with it all

I haven't read all the posts, but I do sympathise with how you feel. I put it off for years because I actually thought I'd never cope with the pain (I have a very low pain threshold!). I don't do needles or dentists or anything like that, so was actually terrified of giving birth but just didn't think about it one bit while I was pregnant.

Don't watch One Born Every Minute either. Remember, just as everyone's child is different, so is the pregnancy and so is the labour. Personally, I didn't feel the epidural needle but I know not everyone is that lucky. I worried that I wouldn't know what to do or be able to get the baby out and I'd be in too much pain to be able to do it, but your body does know what it's doing and it takes over.

Try and get a bit of counselling maybe, or at least go and see the doctor ahead of time.

The one thing I can reassure you of is that it's totally worth every second, and although it has taken a little while to forget the labour - you do forget xx

Also, another thing to bare in mind is that there are millions of women who are just as terrified as you are. Please don't feel like you're alone and can't talk to people. If they bat you away like you're being stupid, they're just trying to save face/trying to act the big woman xx

Much love OP xx DM me if you need to, I'll happily talk to you xx

I’d get pregnant and then work out how to get through birth.

Look at it this way - if you’d done it last year, it’s be over now.

Honestly - it’s not that bad. I had a natural birth without pain relief, and as soon as baby was in my arms I was planning my next one! I’ve had a tooth out and that was much, much worse. Never again!

Only read first page.

People need to specify, planned calm elc or emergency section.

Op I did both ways and even though my birth wasn't too bad the elc was a dream.

For people afraid of childbirth it really is what they need.
There is a far far smaller range of risks that can go wrong, with vaginally deliver the list is endless.
There is a team right by you if things do go wrong....

And risk is minimal with normal pregnancy and an elc.

I'm afraid with your fear and the very real prospect of a challenging first birth I wouldn't risk it.

Also it depends on the person and thier birth injures if they forget I didn't at all. Many women don't.

@Morethanthisprovincallife

In fairness, that's pretty much what happened to me! I had my happy surprise, then worked it out after.

It worked for me, but like I said, everyone is different x