Terrified Terrified Terrified of childbirth

[Radio5tar]

I know this is fairly common. But I can't stress enough how absolutely **ing terrified I am. I'm 39 and have put it off due to absolute terror for years - not sure if this would be defined as tokophobia. The only thing worse than my fear of childbirth is the thought we will never have children due to my irrational fear and looking back and hating myself for it. The whole thing makes me frightened and tearful.

I am generally incredibly squeamish, even with smear tests and colposcopies etc and feel rising panic, tears and fear at these moments.

I have thought about elective c-section as one way of attempting to feel slightly more in control, although I know this is no guarantee and things can still go wrong plus it is an extremely serious op. I am terrified of the epidural injection etc and too scared to even fully investigate what's actually involved in case I am scared off for good. There are so many elements of childbirth that are cloaked in mystery and other Mums don't tell you the full truth - it's like a secret pact that no-one mentions it once they've had a baby, but it keeps childless women in the dark and increases my fear and terror. Even things like having a catheter terrify me - I have had recurring cystitis and kidney infections my whole life and terrified I'll be in pain.

I am scared to open up about these deep fears to other Mums / friends as they have all successfully given birth and I worry they would think I am pathetic, as I worry others on MN will also think. Also the doctors and nurses I can imagining telling me not to be silly as millions of women give brith every day. Obviously this is factually true but it doesn't seem to help me.

I just don't know how to proceed, and to make it worse I am now terrified I may have missed the boat with my fertility as I am 39.5 years. I don't have a Mum I am close to to seek support from and my MIL is mother of the century and had 7 easy births (!!). I am lucky in that I do have a supportive and wonderful DH who is patient. But what can I do and how do I proceed??

Please help.

It does hurt, but after the birth of my first I was just tired. The birth of my second was strangely addictive as the process of pushing him through the birth canal was amazing - the most magical high that I’d do again in a heartbeat if not for the fact kids are so expensive. If childbirth were so horrific then no one would have more than one child and they are definitely worth it for most! I didn’t have pain relief beyond gas and air for the last 2 seconds (something to do with a minor underestimate of how long labour would be....)
Saying all that, you don’t have to go through childbirth - my mil was under general when she had dh! Hypnotherapy would help with the anxiety and help you decide what to do but you’ll get so much support if you ask for it. I feel so sad my family is complete and I’ll never go through that incredible journey again (despite infertility!)

My sister is pregnant with her first and having an elective c section as she's terrified of giving birth naturally. She has a very, very low threshold for pain, so I'm not sure how she'll cope with recovery.
I gave birth naturally and if I had to do it again I'd seriously consider an elective c section, my pain threshold is high so I feel I'd be able to cope.
Please don't let fear hold you back from fulfilling your dreams.

This was me too, I’d get so anxious and upset about the thought of giving birth when I was pregnant at 38!! I’d heard so many horror stories from other women all my life about giving birth, plus the hospital I was going to had had babies die unnecessarily due to drs and midwives not listening to the mothers’ concerns.

I worked myself into such a state! Ended up going for a C section which was the best choice for me and my baby too, as it turns out. I was also terrified of catheters (yep, regular cystitis sufferer here!) and the epidural going wrong but it was smooth sailing! Couldn’t feel either. Just knowing that there would be drs there at the set date and there’d be no need for emergency c section or induction etc and associated issues helped me so much!!

You most likely haven’t missed the boat either. I’m now 40, perimenopausal and I’ve just found out I’m pregnant with no. 2.

You can do it, you just need to be informed about your choices and don’t listen to horror stories about childbirth or let people minimise your feelings!!

Good luck

There’s no waiting to be had. You are 39, it might be that you can’t conceive now. If you really want children you’d better get on with it.
If you are lucky enough to get pregnant then that’s the time to deal with your phobias.
Honestly, you don’t really sound like you’ve got the strength..
Not being unkind here, just truthful

Get to your GP Now.

Time for putting it off is done. You are 39.

1. you have a mental health issue (anxiety) which is affecting your behaviour (not getting pregnant) this means you can argue that your GP has to discuss and provide a course of action under nice guidance relating to mental health and pregnancy

2. your situation is unusual but not unheard of (hello I'm a walking example)

3. you want to get a referral to counselling or to a specialist perinatal service in birth anxiety. Not being pregnant is a disadvantage as you are low priority but it's possible. I got one.

4. Do your research. Where locally (or regionally) can you get this help? Go armed with this info to the GP. My GP didn't know and was happy to refer me after I gave this info. Speaking to a friend who is a GP she also didn't know. It's an unusual request so it's understandable.

5. take your partner. Prep them. Men get listened to more

6. my 4 year old is awesome.

Good luck.

Ps. Please feel free to post on the childbirth section on mn for more about this. There's a few people who have been through this there.

As other have suggested hypnotherapy/pregnancy yoga may help. I did a course when pregnant with DC1 & whilst a lot of it went out the window it defo helped with my breathing.
I found the hypnobirthing much more beneficial when having a CS (transverse baby) with DC2. I only had gas & air once DC1 was on route (not out of choice but labour was super fast) & for me the contractions were worse than giving birth if that makes sense so the idea of a epidural, catheter 2nd time round petrified me, plus a good friend had a CS a few days before & had to be given a general half way through as she could feel it. The epidural needle wasn’t as bad (excellent anaesthetist who really calmed me) as I thought although I did hate the feeling of being out of control & just lying there but hypnobirthing helped me focus elsewhere. I’m debating about having one more child and looking into a private midwife as personally I would much prefer a VB again but who knows what will happen.

Op here. I just wanted to update you and say thank you for the support and kindness on this post. It has honestly really helped me so much and I wish I’d opened up about this sooner. Sharing this and reading the responses has given me so much more confidence in knowing others have felt the same and still got through this. I am more determined than ever that this irrational fear will not stop me and my DH having a family that we dream of. So much so that I actually had a conversation with DH last night about it. He said that he had been thinking about this over the last few weeks and in a nutshell we decided that it is time to give it a go.
This is a really life changing moment for me, to the extent that we were planning a trip to Asia in the Spring and we have now decided to change our itinerary / destination so that we don’t go to any Malaria risk places (as if I would have to wait 8 weeks before TCC / be at risk if pregnant.)
Can’t believe this is going to be my life now but feel confident it is the right decision. Lots of research needed on all the various options people have suggested but first things first need to get pregnant. Going to get match fit and start taking folic tablets etc and then give it a go!! Wish me luck and thank you again.
Xxxxxx

That’s really great, lots of luck

That's fantastic news @Radio5tar - wishing you the very best of luck 😘😘

Really pleased for you and your DH OP. Hope to hear from you in the future on your progress.

@Radio5tar It sounds to me that you have a genuine phobia of giving birth (and possibly medical procedures). I’d recommend going to your GP and/or seeing a qualified counsellor to help you start to alleviate the seriousness of your phobia.

Lots of people on here are giving helpful and encouraging stories about pain and selective memory. Personally, I’d say your concerns go way beyond being a bit scared of the pain (which is totally natural, by the way) and encompass a number of different aspects that you may have to overcome. Midwives and medical professionals will be there to support you as and when the time comes. Until then, it couldn’t hurt to get a head start tackling the root of your phobia and determining manageable techniques to move forward.

Wishing you the very best of luck and I hope you get the happy result you deserve!

OK. Right. I was 17 when I had my first pregnancy, birth and child. I had never touched a baby, no-one I knew had one or had been pregnant. I read a LOT about what was happening to and within my body and decided to [with the help of my social worker] attend NCT classes. I was the only single mum and the youngest by far. What those classes gave me [for a token financial contribution] was KNOWLEDGE and with that came understanding of what to expect. I DID NOT listen to any woman [including my mother] who attempted to instill a fear of giving birth to my child and I had a drug free positive experience of childbirth and breastfeeding which I have shared with women in order to try and even the experiences out, mostly we hear about what an ordeal birthing a baby is, well, it is hard physical work with an amazing purpose. I can describe the birthing process as being at times, almost unbearably uncomfortable, but NOT painful. Please, OP, learn about what will be happening to your body beforehand and think about how to make the birth of your DC darling children a positive experience which you can then share with women who have listened to the wrong people and are frightened.

Another who knows exactly how you feel! I desperately wanted a family but was almost sabotaging getting pregnant through fear of birth. I was having panic attacks and breaking down just thinking about it.
When I finally got pregnant at 37, I spoke to several midwives and a consultant who were not hugely understanding and put it down to normal nerves. Eventually I was referred to a specialist independent midwife which we had to pay for. She was excellent and after weeks persuaded the consultant to offer and ECS.
And then I was able to enjoy my pregnancy if only for the final month or so. The actual section was fine and the team were very kind. Happy to talk further on pm. It can be a very lonely place to be as not many people understand true tokophobia

Good luck OP!

Good luck and smooth sailing!

Keep talking to people, keep researching and get going, so to speak!!!! Best of luck, keep us updated!