6 year old's Birthday 'Gift' from Ex

[GallowayESS]

Hi

Please can anyone advise as this is keeping me awake. It was my DD 6th b'day last week.

Ex has a very well paid job, nice transport, mortgage, just returned from a holiday in Far East for 3 weeks, binge alcoholic sort of thing. Ex never sees DD, point blank refuses. Day to day we get on just fine, we simply ignore each other but polite if required. This year he had a disagreement with me over the child maintenance service, wants 'family based' arrangement at much less than Direct Pay. I refused. Child maintenance has gone up also following review.

My thing is, DD's Grandad (Ex's Dad) kindly dropped a card and money in for her birthday - £100. Ex posted a card and money - £40.

I was so embarrassed and crushed for her when she saw. I wished I had known before hand. She may only be 6 but she knows £100 from Grandad is way more than £40 from her Dad. She knows she is in a very fortunate and lucky position to receive such any gift of money, but I had to hide my disappointment for her. Ordinarily he has given her £100 in the past for both xmas and birthdays, so it looks glaringly obvious to me, that he's done this due to our disagreement. He doesn't put any money away in a bank account for her or anything like that either.

I'm a wall flower by nature, and dont normally backfire about anything. But this has really bothered me. Im trying to figure out the words to put in 1 blunt text to him what he has done and that I had to make excuses for him.

He has 1 other Daughter from a previous who is 16 (and probably gets gifted most weeks at her age) and a son who is 24, two grandchildren and my DD.

Am I right in considering saying something - or am I being unreasonable ?

TIA

I wouldn't say anything to be honest. It would cause more drama that none of you need.

I'd say to DD "it was lovely of daddy and grandad to give you money, what do you want to do with it" or similar.

I’d expect a parent to buy a gift but if giving cash I think £40 is ample for a 6 year old.

£100 I would probably put into savings but £40 I would let them buy a toy so more fun. I understand her bring hurt if it’s less than usual but I think you need to encourage her to be grateful not ‘make excuses’.

I'd say £100 was a very generous gift from Grandad!

Agree with nobby - lump it together, wow, how lucky you are to gave so much money, shall we put some into a savings account, and go look at the toy shop.

I wouldn't say anything. What they both choose to give is up to them.

Im a bit confused. If he never sees her what is her understanding of who he is? Personally I think if this is his only connection to her I wouldnt make a fuss. Just treat it as any gift recieved from an associate "okay you got some money how would you like to spend it."
If his small gift is a dig at you I would not bother to communicate with him at all as it gives his gesture more power and attention than such a petty act deserves.

He's trying to provoke a reaction from you, don't say anything other than a thank you from your DD. Honestly give it another couple of years and she'll work out for herself what her dad is.

Agree that DD can spend half and save half and go and have a lovely trip to the toy shop or Smiggle or wherever. Don't let it bother you.

I wouldn't think a child would have any worries that grandparents gave more than parents unless you put that into her mind.
We spend about £40 on our children at birthdays, usually a gift, but sometimes money, so it doesn't seem a ridiculously small amount to me.

I too wouldn't give him the satisfaction of saying anything - but I'd encourage her to write a thank you to grandad

I would help DD through her feelings and support her resilience, sounds like it may not be a one off

It's probably better that she sees him for who he is and she'll come to her own conclusions as a result - telling him he was 'out presented' may only mask his future behaviour and buy his daughter's affections

At 6 I don't think she'd really be aware of "who gave what", she'd just be pleased to get money to spend. Like the others, I'd suggest just saying "How nice, lets put half in the bank and half to spend at your favorite shop".

40 is a lot of money for a 6 year old!!
100 is a HUGE amount.

Don't compare the two.

If grandpa had given ten pounds would that make everything ok?

You're being silly.

It will only be a big deal at this age if you make it one.

I hope your DD doesn't judge the difference. That would be just wrong.
At least her df pays maintenance. Unless I have read it wrongly.

Charolais who pissed on your cornflakes this morning? Totally unnecessary and I’d hardly call not allowing her waste of space ex to pay less than he should to support his child greedy!

OP it’s shitty of him to give her less than normal because he’s pissed off at having to pay what he’s due but hopefully she won’t think too much of it. It’s also really shitty he doesn’t see her, has he given a reason?

I wouldn’t make a thing out of it as he sounds like the type to take it out on Dd again next year.

You can't demand bigger and better gifts from people.

You'll look terribly grabby (which you do sound tbh), you'll set a dreadful example of entitlement for your daughter and he'll just blame you for forcing him to pay more CM anyway so it will get you nowhere.

Don't say anything other than thank you. As pp said he might be looking for a reaction from you. £40 is still a lot at 6yrs. I would also save the £100 so it's not as if my dc would get double the number of presents anyway.

I really would not even compare the two. I know at 6 it is hard but what if a best friend only gave something worth £5 whereas a not so good friend gave something worth £20, you wouldn't want her to complain to the best friend. She needs to learn not to compare the value of presents and graciously accept what she is given. Don't bring her into an adult argument.

I'm a bit stunned that a six year old understands money values so well, I do get the impression that the money is WAY more important to you op than the child, I don't really get how it's become a 'thing' for your daughter!

It seems ridiculous. The £100 sounds well over the top and the £40 is ample.

The sad bit is cash in a card, delivered by someone else.

£100 is a ridiculous amount of money for a 6 year olds birthday. £40 is fine. Stop being ridiculous and trying to find fault.

Just put the £100 in the bank.

You know he's done it to wind you up. If you say anything you will appear as petty as him. Fuck him and his petty point scoring.

I can’t see the issue with the card/gift. The maintenance he has behaved really badly about but that’s separate.

I’d be really worried if a 6 year old thought £40 was an insulting gift. It’s a lot of money to some adults. I don’t believe she’ll be able to remember how much she got at 5. So I’d just help her enjoy it. She can get something lovely for £40. Her granddad is nuts for giving her £100.

I think a gift and it being given by him would be better.

However, I think a grandparent giving a 6 year old £100 In cash is over the top.

Don't teach her to compare the cost of presents. And don't teach her that the cost of presents equates to love. It's just not a good lesson.

My brother adores my kids. He can afford to spend about £10-£15 each on them. He is a single parent. My Dp bought my ds a £50 present. Just because the other day. No way I would be letting ds think that my Dp loves him more than my brother does.

So maintenance has gone up, birthday money has gone down. He still pays both and you want to send an angry text?
I can't see what you have to complain about.

Definitely don’t text. It won’t achieve anything and if he was after winding you up then he’ll know he’s achieved it