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Original poster

6 year old's Birthday 'Gift' from Ex

101 replies

GallowayESS · 12/09/2018 03:41

Hi

Please can anyone advise as this is keeping me awake. It was my DD 6th b'day last week.

Ex has a very well paid job, nice transport, mortgage, just returned from a holiday in Far East for 3 weeks, binge alcoholic sort of thing. Ex never sees DD, point blank refuses. Day to day we get on just fine, we simply ignore each other but polite if required. This year he had a disagreement with me over the child maintenance service, wants 'family based' arrangement at much less than Direct Pay. I refused. Child maintenance has gone up also following review.

My thing is, DD's Grandad (Ex's Dad) kindly dropped a card and money in for her birthday - £100. Ex posted a card and money - £40.

I was so embarrassed and crushed for her when she saw. I wished I had known before hand. She may only be 6 but she knows £100 from Grandad is way more than £40 from her Dad. She knows she is in a very fortunate and lucky position to receive such any gift of money, but I had to hide my disappointment for her. Ordinarily he has given her £100 in the past for both xmas and birthdays, so it looks glaringly obvious to me, that he's done this due to our disagreement. He doesn't put any money away in a bank account for her or anything like that either.

I'm a wall flower by nature, and dont normally backfire about anything. But this has really bothered me. Im trying to figure out the words to put in 1 blunt text to him what he has done and that I had to make excuses for him.

He has 1 other Daughter from a previous who is 16 (and probably gets gifted most weeks at her age) and a son who is 24, two grandchildren and my DD.

Am I right in considering saying something - or am I being unreasonable ?

TIA

OP posts:
AntipodeanOpalEye · 12/09/2018 06:37

He refuses to see his daughter and resents paying maintenance (obviously as he isn't short of funds, he see it as some sort of twisted principle). The £40 is nothing to do with your daughter as he obviously could not care less about her, but to do with having to be seen (probably to he family) to acknowledge her birthday somehow and most likely her Grandfather, his Father is overcompensating as a result.

Quite frankly from the little information you've revealed about him I'm surprised your surprised. Don't make a big deal out of it to your DD and realise it's a Powerplay.

AJPTaylor · 12/09/2018 06:42

If he literally never sees her, how do you explain it? If they have no relationship i wonder why you dont just put the money into savings without mentioning it?

Waitingonasmiley42 · 12/09/2018 06:45

Her being upset at him making no effort to see her would be understandable. Being upset being she only got £40 is ridiculous. It doesn’t matter she got £100 from someone else.

Bumdishcloths · 12/09/2018 06:45

£40 is more than ample as a monetary gift for a 6 year old child. I mean shit, I'm 34 and I'd be happy with £40 ffs. Grow up.

AgentJohnson · 12/09/2018 06:46

Your Ex is a knob and knobs do knobby things. Once you accept this, it’s easier to detach. If he has no contact with your DD and pays maintenance via CMS, is there any reason for you to be in contact?

Stop feeling sorry for your DD, the only thing she’s missing out on is being in contact with a knob, he isn’t a loving father.

BlancheM · 12/09/2018 06:49

£40 is a lot of money.
I'd be gutted for her that he doesn't ever see her

cakecakecheese · 12/09/2018 06:50

I think I get why you're upset, given his means £40 may not seem much but as others have pointed out it is quite a lot for a 6 year old. Please don't send an angry text it won't achieve anything.

LannieDuck · 12/09/2018 06:50

My 6 yo wouldn't be concerned at the discrepancy; she'd just be excited that she'd been given £140!

But if you're concerned, put the £100 from grandad in the bank (and obv tell DD so she can thank him - do you have contact with him?), and use the £40 from dad to buy a physical gift.

AnnieAnoniMoose · 12/09/2018 06:54

Ignore the bitchy posts - they’re not worth your energy.

As for the comment about her knowing the value of the money, at 6 she’s probably really doesn’t. But knowing that 100 is bigger than 40 of course she’s should and I’d be concerned if she didn’t..

If he doesn’t see her, stop communicating with him. He’s an arse, let him get on with his sad little life.

Take her shopping, let her chose a few bits and anything left over put into savings.

Move on. Don't let the tosser affect your daily life. Be grateful he stays out of your life on a day to day basis.

ichifanny · 12/09/2018 06:57

£40 is a fine amount to be honest what would bother me is the fact he can’t even be arsed putting any thought into buying her a gift and just puts money in an envelope , .

crazydoglady6867 · 12/09/2018 06:57

I have never understood why people think that just because a person has money they should give it to someone else. It is irrelevant how much money your exH has he wanted to give his DD £40 and in real terms for a 6yo Birthday is a lot of money. Please don’t try and assume a 6yo would equate less from daddy as being a bad thing, that is you and you only thinking that. If anything, Grandad needs to put money away and give her less cash going forward if he really wants her to have that much.

H1dingInSight · 12/09/2018 06:58

I think you’re reading much more into the relative values than any child would. I’m also not clear why you think your ex is picking the amount to give just to wind you up - he might well feel, as many do on this thread, that £40 is generous for a 6 year old.

In any case, it’s important for children to learn that different people can afford different gifts and it’s kind of the giver to think of the givee, irrespective of the amount.

H1dingInSight · 12/09/2018 07:03

My former in-laws spend way more that I do on my DCs’ birthdays.

I probably earn twice what they receive in pensions. But they live mortgage free in one of the cheapest parts of the country and I have a huge mortgage and commuting costs in the Home Counties - they can afford to spend more on gifts that I can.

I’m just happy that my DCs have people who love them.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 12/09/2018 07:03

You build up to the £40 reveal by letting us know how very bitter you are about your ex. That he goes on holidays, has a lot of money.

Do try not to influence your daughter to see life only in monetary terms.

He sounds like a serial twat, sure, but don't let him turn you into a bitter money-grabber.

pinkhorse · 12/09/2018 07:04

No 6 year old would pick up on the fact grandad gave them more than daddy did. This is clearly you. It sounds like you're bringing her up to be all about money. £40 is loads for a 6 year olds birthday

Frouby · 12/09/2018 07:05

Just ignore it OP.

My dd is 14 now. She gets £100 every Christmas and birthday from her paternal gran. And sweet FA from her useless bastard father. After 10 years of eow she stopped seeing him 2 years ago. At aged 12 I said she was old enough to make that decision.

Lots of reasons why but one thing she did mention was that he never buys her anything for Christmas or birthday beyond a token pair of fluffy socks or maybe a pair of pjs. And because he refuses to work and is reliant on benefits and has a 10 year old court order stating he has her eow he doesn't have to pay maintenance.

She hasnt seen him for 2 years. She is much happier not going and feels not an ounce of guilt because she says 'he's never put me first so why should I put him first?'.

MudCity · 12/09/2018 07:06

£40 is a generous amount for a 6 year old. If your DD is upset by it then you have far bigger problems than your ex’s gift.

Teach gratitude for any gift. Lead by example.

Aprilshowersnowastorm · 12/09/2018 07:07

Just wow...

tootiredtospeak · 12/09/2018 07:14

Listen I am not out to be cruel but if you are going to get pissed about something make it the fact he doesnt see his child especially on a birthday. If you have made peace with that then I think you need to do it about the money too. Appreciate it smarts as you know its a dig at you but she doesnt. My 6 year old wouldnt have a clue he would only be interested in how quickly he could spend it.

JacNaylor · 12/09/2018 07:15

I mean, the sad thing about this story here is that he won't see her and hasn't bought her an actual gift. Poor girl!!
The amounts of money, at six really really won't make a difference unless you highlight it and make a drama out of it.
"Gosh grandad was kind this year, so how much is that all together?" Then make a plan about what to do with the money. As pp said, if he doesn't see her then she doesn't have a relationship with him to be personally offended by his lack of present.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/09/2018 07:15

You're going to turn her into a greedy little shit just like you

Yes, of course it’s greedy to expect a parent to support their child to a legal minimum amount of money and expect that parent to come up with a gift on Xmas and birthdays. Confused

OP - you have no real idea of his motivations so just ignore it. If it was the case that he was trying to get at you in some way, letting him know it worked isn’t the way to deal with it.

HighwayDragon1 · 12/09/2018 07:16

Does he pay child maintenance?

oldgimmer78 · 12/09/2018 07:19

Why are you gutted about the money when he doesn't even see her? Your scale of disappointment seems to be a bit off. £140 between 2 people is a huge amount for a 6 year old.

Bluecloudyskies · 12/09/2018 07:22

I wouldn’t say anything.

She got something. All in all she got £140 in cash for her birthday - it’s a lot.

I think your putting your aggravation on to her.

MarthasGinYard · 12/09/2018 07:22

She's 6

Cash Issue is with you

Don't even mention it