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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

6 year old's Birthday 'Gift' from Ex

101 replies

GallowayESS · 12/09/2018 03:41

Please can anyone advise as this is keeping me awake. It was my DD 6th b'day last week.

Ex has a very well paid job, nice transport, mortgage, just returned from a holiday in Far East for 3 weeks, binge alcoholic sort of thing. Ex never sees DD, point blank refuses. Day to day we get on just fine, we simply ignore each other but polite if required. This year he had a disagreement with me over the child maintenance service, wants 'family based' arrangement at much less than Direct Pay. I refused. Child maintenance has gone up also following review.

My thing is, DD's Grandad (Ex's Dad) kindly dropped a card and money in for her birthday - £100. Ex posted a card and money - £40.

I was so embarrassed and crushed for her when she saw. I wished I had known before hand. She may only be 6 but she knows £100 from Grandad is way more than £40 from her Dad. She knows she is in a very fortunate and lucky position to receive such any gift of money, but I had to hide my disappointment for her. Ordinarily he has given her £100 in the past for both xmas and birthdays, so it looks glaringly obvious to me, that he's done this due to our disagreement. He doesn't put any money away in a bank account for her or anything like that either.

I'm a wall flower by nature, and dont normally backfire about anything. But this has really bothered me. Im trying to figure out the words to put in 1 blunt text to him what he has done and that I had to make excuses for him.

He has 1 other Daughter from a previous who is 16 (and probably gets gifted most weeks at her age) and a son who is 24, two grandchildren and my DD.

Am I right in considering saying something - or am I being unreasonable ?

TIA

OP posts:

Sharksbees · 12/09/2018 08:29

£40 is fine

HermioneGoesBackHome · 12/09/2018 08:33

I don’t see the issue of the granddad giving more money than her father. My parents wouod tend to donthat because they ahve the spare cash. My PIL aren’t wealthy at all so will give gifts (or money) or a much lower value. And we tend as parents to avoid cash anyway.
For a 6 yo, if she was asking anything (which she may well not do), I wouod just mention that not everyone can give the same thing and it’s the thought that counts.

As for your ex using his dd to have a go at you. I wouod ignore completely.
This man won’t have a lot of meaning to your DD if he never sees her. That alone is telling her how crap he is as a father. More or less money compare to other years or to her grandfather will just add the the LONG list of things that make a crap father.
As for you, why giving him the pleasure to know he has annoyed you? It has no effect on you as such. You are still getting the money you shouod be getting for your dd and that’s the most important thing.

As an aside, if your ex dad is sending money to your dd, does it mean she sees her paternal grandparents?

ponderingonthings · 12/09/2018 08:33

I simply do not understand the posters saying you and she should be grateful for anything. Such low standards for how to be treated.

Yes PinkAvacado I agree, but I think these posters are just genuinely naive to the fact it's not about the money, it's the statement the father is sending behind it. If Grandpa normally gave £40 and so did daddy but this year daddy had given £10... it would have the same message. It's nothing to do with the OP being ungrateful or grabby

It's a message... she gets less because this happened. Mummy look at the consequences you have caused your DD.

Except OP you haven't. He has. And your DD won't be as smart as your both assuming - she'll just accept it if it's paid no attention and give it no further thought.

FWIW mine I have been told is getting nothing this year and not being seen (because I have spoken up and stood up to him the last year) and yes I feel awful for my DC but unless I let on they will be truly unaware and not think too deeply about it. Previous years they were taken round toy shops by their dad and told to pick anything they wanted so it's massively different and a statement but OP I have had to come to terms with the fact I can't cover for their dad being a shit, of course I shouldn't point it out either but one day they will click and direct some hard questions his way

Lweji · 12/09/2018 08:34

Wait...
He never sees her?
And what do you mean day to day you get along? When do you deal with him if he doesn't see her?

The key here is: what was her reaction to the gift?
Was there a card with it? What did it say?
Why is she fortunate to get money presents?

sexnotgender · 12/09/2018 08:35

At least he knew what day it was and remembered.

My ex has more than once given nothing and actually even argued with me over the date of her birthday

Namechangeforthiscancershit · 12/09/2018 08:36

^He never sees her?
And what do you mean day to day you get along? When do you deal with him if he doesn't see her?^

I wondered this. Why do you have to have anything to do with him if he isn’t seeing your daughter? Can you stop? Give him less opportunity to play his stupid games?

HermioneGoesBackHome · 12/09/2018 08:37

I have had to come to terms with the fact I can't cover for their dad being a shit

YY to that.
He is the twat and he is the one doing something that he KNOWS will/might hurt his dd, all that to try and have a go at you.
Shame on him!
What sort of father wouod purposely hurt his own child?
She knows or will know that.

RB68 · 12/09/2018 08:40

I think you have to let it go. 40 is sufficient for a birthday for any child so you need to be a bit more objective about it and look at it in isolation. In the end it will reflect badly on him via child but that is not your problem its his. I think Grandad knew so has given extra so I would let it lie and try and take an emotional step away. At least there was something and it arrived on time. My friends daughter got a moonpig card end of. It arrived late and no message etc. It has sealed his fate and he doesn't even realise it.

Lweji · 12/09/2018 08:46

My point is also, never mind the money in the card.
You can't get hurt a child more than by refusing to see her.
Money in cards is just that and can't possibly compensate. So, why all this drama for £40?

Bluelady · 12/09/2018 08:51

To be blunt, your daughter's gift from her father is nothing to do with you. If he'd ignored her birthday entirely it would be different. He remembered, sent a gift and got it there on the right day. That's a lot more than a lot of men manage. Here's your opportunity to teach the lesson that it's the thought that counts.

ponderingonthings · 12/09/2018 08:53

Bit unfair to call it drama - OP is naturally upset for her DD. That's totally understandable

But if she doesn't make it obvious to her DD, the DD won't click at her age and will make up her own mind as time goes on.

Just step back OP. Take off the mummy guilt. It's not you doing this, it's not naughty mummy causing this... it's shit dad and it's sad but you can't change it and trying to will only backfire. You can't control shit dads - just have to ignore their bad behaviour

reallyanotherone · 12/09/2018 09:05

*He has 1 other Daughter from a previous who is 16 (and probably gets gifted most weeks at her age)

What does this mean? Does she get given stuff? By her dad/other family or you?

I agree, £140 is a lot for a 6yo. I’d be thinking more that it’s very generous of the grandparent, rather than mean of the parent.

ShalomJackie · 12/09/2018 09:14

Why is "gift" in inverted commas? It is still a gift even if it is not as much as you want it to be.

Maybe he thinks that his daughter won't be given the money and that you will use it. Maybe he has decided to.open a separate account for her in his name.

You don't know for sure.

£40 is ample for a 6 year old! I bet she can't even remember what he gave her before because she is too little!

Micah · 12/09/2018 09:14

This.

He remembered, sent a gift and got it there on the right day. That's a lot more than a lot of men manage. Here's your opportunity to teach the lesson that it's the thought that counts

Set your standards high! In this case it’s not “the thought that counts”, he’s her dad. There is no thought beyond using money as a parenting substitute, and manipulating it at that. The thought counting is my 90 year old granny sending a cheque for £2. There is no lesson here. It’s how her dad is and as she grows up she can make up her own mind about whether money in a card demonstrates the value of their relationship.

O/p, i wouldn’t even comment. Daddy sent you this, grandad sent you that, how nice, what shall we do with it? Maybe a thank you card each..

Rhiannon13 · 12/09/2018 09:14

Teach your child to be appreciative of all gifts, regardless of the value. It appears you want her to think that love has a monetary value, which is storing up no end of problems for you and her in the future. Materialism is not the way forward.

Lovemusic33 · 12/09/2018 09:17

I wouldn’t say anything. My ex gives my dd’s Around £30 for their birthdays, sometimes less, I spend about the same plus take them out for a meal. I don’t think £40 is that shocking. I would be more upset about him not being in dd’s Life. He sounds like a rubbish father who doesn’t want to pay his way, I would continue to get the correct amount of child support payments from him, don’t back down but I wouldn’t say anything about the birthday money. I don’t think the amount people gift necessarily has to relate to what they earn.

SleepingStandingUp · 12/09/2018 09:21

It isn't about the present amount, its about him throwing his toys out the pram because he's expected to support his child financially and he was hoping to knock it down despite being financially comfortable

Ignore him op, thank him as normal, go shopping and do something nice with Grandad

ScottishInSwitzerland · 12/09/2018 09:40

I think £40 is a fine enough amount to give a six year old.

But I am surprised by those posters saying a six year old won’t have that understanding of the value of money. My six year old would definitely be capable of adding up one gift to 40 and the other to 100 and asking why there was a discrepancy.

But I don’t think it’s worth you saying anything. 1. Because £40 is an ok amount to give (grandads gift was incredibly generous) and 2. Because it will only cause grief and not solve anything.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 12/09/2018 09:46

I can't believe the amount of posters implying OP should be grateful for maintenance! Or grateful that the childs other parent even remembered her birthday! Surely they are the bare minimum of parenting? You should have higher standards for your children if not for yourselves.

Wrt the money I'd just go down the route of "wow what will you do with your birthday money?" Maybe make a day of it?

Iamagreyhoundhearmeroar · 12/09/2018 09:50

How can he never see your dd, yet you deal with him on a day to day basis? About what?

Bluelady · 12/09/2018 11:04

Of course she shouldn't be grateful for maintenance. Or that he remembered the birthday but teaching a small child that love is measured in ££ is a shit life lesson.

WaterOffaDucksCrack · 12/09/2018 12:30

Where does it say that's what she's doing? Her feelings about her dad are likely to come out at occasions such as birthdays and Christmas tbh which is probably where it's come from.

Witchofwisteria · 12/09/2018 13:52

He obviously doesn't care about being a parent, 1 24 year old, 1 16 year old and now your son. Has one child and leaves because he cant handle it!

If I were you I wouldn't mention your Ex to your DD anymore, I would chase him up and fight for his money but I would stop trying to get him to see her and if your DD has questions I would just be honest and probably say that its just her and mummy from now on, and that's like lots of families too.

Witchofwisteria · 12/09/2018 13:53

I would probably emphasise how lucky DD is to get so much from grandad as opposed to so little from her Dad. £100 is quite a large gift from a Grandparent I think.

Guavaf1sh · 12/09/2018 14:00

Agree with others - £40 is enough. I never had £100 from anyone ever!

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